Cue The Porn Music

The title comes from a tweet i sent out last week... After visiting the job I was very nervous--they have revamped the whole story department and are trying out something new with AVIDs and stringouts. Something I am not familiar with... So coming out of my visit I was feeling pretty damn disheartened even though I was still meeting up with my producer.

This is when I sent the tweet.

Imagine my surprise when I recieved a phone call from my producer the next day... He gave me a start date for the show, explained that the position would be changing somewhat and that they were eager to have me back. I was so relieved until he joked--"you dont have to cue the porn music"

BEAT

Turns out I forgot that I was friends with him and my bosses on facebook and they saw my tweet... Fortunately I was able to dance my way out of the situation with some ease but not before I was lectured by the office. I was told to remember that they like me, want to work with me and all I need to do is ask the right questions and they will steer me in the right direction.

I wish I knew why I was so mistrustful... i have no reason to be.

Nerves

I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.

And I'm pissed.

It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.

It's just so unfair.

But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...

I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.

Refocused

So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.

I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.

I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.

Going Crazy

I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.

I'm going off the rails.

18 Becomes 200

So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.

Wince

I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.

It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.

Refocus

So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out

It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.

How to Do Happy

I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.

Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.

It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...

It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.

Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.

Writing

So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.

Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that

But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.

Stir Crazy

I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas

But it is all so pretty

Cheap Dates

I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...

And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...

But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all

Mona to My Mouse

I cannot wait till this time next week when Chloe is here!!!! I am so excited to wander the streets of LA with her, share coffee and chats, meatballs and movie award shows, and all the ways we will catch up. I have been feeling a bit detached as of late but reconnecting with her always puts me back in the right head space. We have a lot of things to talk about that arent done easily over the phone--they need hugs and laughs and all the booze we can handle... Plus she has lost a ton of weight and it is going to make me gag with jealousy but push me back into getting more motivated.

I cannot wait to see her!

Tragic

I know it is ironic to use that word with Whitney Houston's death--whether she was off the drugs when she passed away or still using doesn't really matter... Her body was already shredded by her choices and it's not surprising that her body could have eventually given up.

But I still cant believe it.

She was one the first albums I owned, one of the first singers who I felt got me and she was just as strong an actress as well. The fact that she is just gone from existence blows my mind and makes my heart hurt. I cant explain what her music has done for me or how it changed me--it just did. Every so often someone comes along who makes you feel like they are sharing your experience and giving it shaped and meaning beyond what you could do or say yourself.

This is that song for me



I just hope she is at peace. But I also hope she knew how much better she made the world for people like me--regardless of all she lived through she did make a positive change on so many levels

Asshole:

The wedding planning has been driving me insane--to the point where I get so angry and frustrated with all of it that I become an asshole to myself and Johnno. I know exactly why this is happening and yet I cannot seem to stop. Its making us fight which I dont like and making things awkward which he doesnt like and it rides the line of turning mean sometimes.

...

The problem in this is all me--my need to know, my need to have answers, my freak outs about money, about having things set and in motion. The not knowing and not getting straight answers is pushing my buttons while Johnno is the driver's seat when it comes to contacting places and getting numbers. But we both keep misstating what we mean and what we want from the other person so then things get lost or ignored or ramped up. It makes the planning miserable.

I think part of the problem is I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to about it... It's not that the broom's men wouldn't listen but I feel like I can't turn to them--there is a million reasons why I just don't feel comfortable. And this lack of a sounding board has made me turn more and more to Johnno and he is part of the stress at times so....

I'm at a loss... But I am trying to work on this more and more--pulling myself more and more away from the situation to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this will actually start helping soon... Not sure how much more time I can take.

Hiatus

I am finally on hiatus from the job... Not that my show would normally have one but because the production company was behind on signing new locations and didnt need me. As of now I am off for the next few weeks which is good--I havent had much time off in the 14 months I have been at the show.

The time will allow me to get things done; get my workout schedule back, work on reading War and Peace, researching wedding venues and planning things, hopefully catching up with my friends and family. I have a lot of phone calls to make in the near future.

But the biggest thing I am hoping to work on is my stress level. Since I have quit again my stress has been through the roof and I am desperately trying to work on containing it. It hasnt worked out well yet and I spend more than half of my time feeling like an asshole and the other half feeling misunderstood. I need to fix things one way or another. Maybe I should start smoking pot again....

or deal with my issues--which ever comes first.

The Speech ABout What It All Means To Me



I have cried so much watching this very Meta speech about One Life To Live... Goddamn I will miss this show

This Just Makes Me Sad



The hard part is how much I dont feel like I can talk about this with other people because they dont get it. Growing up Agnes Nixon was a huge idol of mine--if not the idol--for the work she did in daytime... Not just creating All My Children, One Life to Live, and Loving but also having writen for various other soap operas. She is created with the first contract Black characters in daytime, the first to explore sexual abuse, addiction, Downs Syndrome and many other issues before most shows were aknowledging these issues existed.

I just wish she had passed on before seeing her entire live's work canceled and dismanteled. Just so sad...

Psycho

I feel like I am going crazy... The current offshoot of my life plans has led to me barely being able to sleep. Not that I don't want to sleep--I crave it all the time--but it is NOT happening. And since I am trying to break my nap habit this has become unbearable. I am about to develop an addiction to sleeping pills cause papa needs his rest.

I do not know how people like Dominic do this all the time.

and the worst part is I am just tired enough to be miserable but not enough to do anything worth while. I cant concentrate on my new books or the final episodes of One Life To Live so its not like I am using my time effectively. I need to just have a "sleeping cure" like Neely O'Hara in 'Valley of the Dolls'.



This is how it feels.

Out With The Old

I need to make more time and space in my life. I have been slowly deleting shows off the DVR record lists so I can use my time better, I try and combine my lunch with chores and I'm giving my closet the side eye and debating when and what to take out for donation.

I'm not sure what has brought on this sudden urge to purge things out of my life but it feels good and making me lightweight. Of course as I make more space I want to fill it but with less things and more events, more phone calls to friends, more space for my own words and ideas than others. I'm taking stock of who and what I want around me--while I cant have everything I want do to circumstance I can do everything to have a slot ready when it is time.

And no more naps... Every since I was giving a book poking fun at my passion for it I have been trying to break the habit. It's not working yet and I am dragging ass. some things never change.

Off To A Great Start

I spent my last day of vacation getting things done.... Cleaning the mold out of my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen floors, wrote thank you notes for my holiday gifts, put most of them away, started my second new book and even re-upped my workouts with the classic P90X which is already making me sore. It's great

Now lets see if I can carry this new monmentum for a few more days... Tomorrow it is tumblr and patches and work again!!! I cant wait to get back on course with everything.

A Little Slice of Heaven

I made the joke last year that 2011 would be a little slice of of heaven--while it would be easy to harp on all the bad things, the sad things, the things I failed at or didnt work at--I have decided to list the positives of the past year.

-) I was able to spend more time with Edie then I have in years... Usually her job has her travelling so much of the time and to so many places in the world but this year I was really able to see her and all our friends together.
-) I was inspired by Chloe's dedication to her fitness goals... The girl keeps running and boxing and doing yoga and being healthy. She's reminded me to get my goals back in focus and the value of truly chasing after it.
-) I made the time for a real vacation... Spending the days I did in the midwest on the river did really help me destress and reassess the importance of relaxation. Its not something that i have been good at but I have learned its importance.
-)I learned to trust more in my career... So many people this year had tough moments in their jobs and I was really blessed to be able to stay at the same production company for over a year. But I was impressed by people who had some really crappy moments and were able to jump up and brush themselves off. Good luck at the 2nd new job Joy!
-) I did 75 days of P90X--which was very hard at points and I am restarting with the harder program in the new year!
-) I now know that I have to figure out what I want to care about and focus on those things, people and events. It will help reduce stress and strife and make my goals and choices easier and stronger.
-) And finally--I got engaged. It may not have planned in its details and the wedding still causes me the shakes but it's amazing and is only just begining to have ripple effects through out my life. Cannot wait to see what happens next

So NOT A Bookworm

I promised myself that I would read 50 books in the new year. It helped that Johnno had worked at Boarders and the story went under--this allowed him to stock our library with lots of cheap books and an employee discount. So it was not for lack of reading material that I failed.

I only hit 40 books--just ten short of my goal. I have to blame Anne of Green Gables and Fitzgerald equally--too much of either books would set me in a slump that I couldnt get out of. But I did pretty damn well all things considered.

Maybe I'll make a reasonable goal this year--like 20. Why so much less than last year? Johnno gave me a copy of War and Peace--unabridged.

This Is Going To Make 2012



One of my favorite books being made by one of my favorite directors with some of my favorite actors... Though I am NOT pleased that Jordan is being played by an unknown--does this mean she is not have a large part in the story?

But how dreamy is Leo as Gatsby.

....

I'm trying not to get too excited but it looks like Johnno and I may have found the place that we want to have our wedding at. It's local and interesting and the money looks good and the vibe is very us. It's hard sometimes with this wedding stuff--hard to talk about it without feeling like I am boring people, hard to not get wigged out over money and planning, hard to accept that this could really happen.

But now it feels in motion with a real proposal from the venue, all the bridesmaids asked and they all said yes. No idea what I will make Kelly, Chloe, Valeska, Kirby and Ally wear--and I have to make sure Edie doesnt do something crazy to outshine them all. And while I know the event is almost two years away that doesnt make me breathe any easier.

I need to find a way to talk it out so that I am comfortable without making it all wedding all the time. I dont want to be that kind of guy even if it is okay to be.

Finally

So work has FINALLY let up between me catching up on my tape load and just getting things done as quickly as possible. It's nice to go into the holidays and feel confident about where I am with the show--not so nice to have the idea of an end date being tossed about. But I have decided not to worry about that until the new year.

We'll see if that sticks

And now it is just a countdown to the holidays... Between Johnno's sister Siobhan coming down to LA and a slew of misfit holiday events planned it should be great even if money will be tight with a week's break from the job. But I figure I can come up with some things to do on the cheap even if just playing video games and hanging around naked with the boy. (After his sister leaves of course)

All that being said--it still doesnt feel very Christmas yet. I know it doesnt for most people who stay in LA but I have developed a sense of tradition even in the balmy days. But with no Griffith Park Lights or last minute holiday parties or gift exchanges it hasnt felt that cheery.

But I suspect that is about to change once break starts.

Guilty and Just In Time

As we start the Jewish holiday--I can't help but find myself touching on some guilt I have been feeling for the past few months. (IRONY) But I havent written about any of my writing projects because I havent been doing any. Between a killer work schedule, bouts of sickness, and various holiday plans I didnt do Nanowrimo which made me feel really disappointed.

I suck.

I havent been able to work out a balance when it comes to my time. I know I have touched on this before but I cant help but wonder if I shouldnt be more concerned that when push comes to shove I push the writing back most of all. It's not like I dont have stuff to work on--Johnno recently finished re-typing an old manuscript I had of an earlier novel I worked on and i recently began the process of re-plotting, name changes and cutting to turn it into a viable piece.

But I still feel like it is not enough.

I'm hoping that by using my break well I can regroup and restart my own work. I hope to find a way in the new year to create balance within myself. It's not because of the holiday that I will be doing this but rather because I will be less stressed by work which allows more time to schedule.

I just have to push through this and I can refocus. Guilt can be a good tool so here's hoping I use it properly.

Well The Cranky Pants Still Fit

Woke up really cranky this morning. It didn't help that shower handle wouldn't turn off so I spent about 10 minutes naked struggling to turn off the water posy shower. I even got a hand cramp. YAY

Part of me suspects that this crankiness is because I have got back on board with the calorie counting. I woke up starving and headachey so maybe that is more to do with the situation then not.

I am spending the rest of the morning practicing the smile technique. The idea is if you keep smiling even when upset it will eventually put you in a good mood. Fingers crossed because if I get even crankier it might get cray cray in here.

Time Goes By

I wish I knew how to make my day more effective. At the holiday party this year I really felt like i had little to talk about--I go towokr, I nap when I come home, I work out, eat dinner, watch some Tv and go to bed. That's about it. And it has left me feeling boring and uninspired.

Johnoo--to his credit--says I am not boring and thought I was too interesting when we met. There's a reason we're engaged.

It's part of the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I felt bad baout not doing NaNoWrit--because all of my writer friends pushed me on. I will admit I opened the door but I didnt realize how bad I would feel if I didnt do it. I missed my goal to read 50 books this year--though I did make it to 40. I haven't put the time in with my friends how I would like and havent worked on myself in some time.

And part of it is work and how stressful it has been. part of it has been me being lazy about doing things beyond the norm and part of it has been a lack of money now that the wedding is being planned for. Saving up has been hard.

But I need to work out something. A way to write, to make time for friends, to work on my body and eating issues, to continue to put my words here. I need a new project, a new goal and new means to get there. I can do this if I think about it.

I want something to bring to the table.

And A Unitard On A Pear Shaped Boy

So this started back around Thanksgiving.... Edie had return from New York for a brief stop before heading up to Canada for work. I had heard that she lost a bunch of weight while living in the street--I was hoping she would notice the difference P90X had been making on me for the last two months. Nothing was said and I was a bit bummed but made it wasn't obvious.

A few weeks later Johnno, Kelly, Ava, Bailey and I had plans to go out to a club night that Johnno and I had been to before with some other friends of our. We all had a good time--too much of a good time--but I felt cute and had fun. It wasnt until the middle of the next week and hanging out with Ally that I heard that I had taken some pictures back at Kelly's in a unitard.

Oh My God.

I didnt remember taking them and all I could think was how fat I must have looked in the outfit. I topped off that night with a conversation about this new jacket I had bought on line last year--it didnt fit very well at the time but I figured that I would shed about ten pounds over the year and it wouuld fit. It didnt

I told Ally about how it was more bothersome that it was extremely tight through the shoulders. This led to a conversation about how it was because my lats werent toned and she showed me the proper form for the exercise. I could feel the difference in the muscle and this lead to a two prong discussion. One was that it seems that I might need to work with a trainer to see if I am getting proper form on my exercises--I was honest that sometimes I dont feel things work when I am lifting or contracting them. The other part was about how P90X didnt seem to be working, that my diet wasnt helping things and I need to reassess.

It was a bit upsetting.

And then came this weekend and the Robin/Ally holiday party. I went in knowing that I would be going off diet and the real quetion would be as to how much. I tried to avoid chips and cookies--did okay on chips but not cookies--however I also finally was able to see the unitard picture.

It was awful.

There is a part of me that knows this is my fault--I make deals on food, I dont work hard enough to keep certain things out of my mouth and I have to be consistant with my eating, tracking my eating, how I work out and what I am doing when I am working out. I'm not upset with anyone but myself--I just feel like I try so hard and feel little acomplishment. I wish I didnt care as much as I do or could work on accepting things.

I mean--I know I will never look like Ryan Reynolds shirtless or a model from a magazine. That's not me and not what I want. But I do want to believe that I can look good, have things fit better, maybe be okay with going shirtless. I just want something so simple and try so hard and feel like I am failing. There is a part of me that is being to hard on myself and I know this but if I dont work on it and push myself then I feel like nothing gets done.

At least now I have a picture for motivation

I Love The Nightlife

So the boyance and I have being going out a lot in the past month. Its more than just the average social onslaught that happens after Halloween--we tend to end out to the gay bars on the regular. Its something I never did much unless single and hooking to hook up. I like it.

But what bums me out is that we go to these bars and events and I see all these groups of friends hanging out. Its always been hard for me to make friends--even harder to make gay friends. Once I am comfortable then I am good to go but until then I am a silent partner in the process. Johnno is much more firnedly and social but we have yet add any good gay friends to our soical mix.

I'm not sure why it bugs but it does.


Maybe its because I can see the value of having similar people in our lives. It gets depressing to go to bars and just talk amongst ourselves after awhile. It leads to more drinking then I would like sometimes and it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.

But it is something to work on.

....

Instead of spending time putting down my words anywhere--much less here--I have been busy working on Tumblrs and Amazon and various other websites when not working. I should probably feel bad about this but I am trying to get my shite in order for the upcoming holiday and all the things that come with it. That being said--I will be posting more often because there is so much to post about.

even if some of it is vain and some of it is offensive.

Return to Form

So I recently went back to a strawberry blond hair color--an accidentally result of going as Mitchell from "Modern Family" for Halloween. I forgot how much I like this color, how much it reminds me of being 19 in Boston, 23 in San Francisco, very old school. It probably helped that within weeks of doing it I was flirted with several different times in different places.

I like being a ginger.

I'm hoping that this change will push me to feel more confident. I do worry that it does mess up my coloring in terms of my clothing but there are worse problems to have in the world. That and gaining any upcoming holiday weight.

Be

I have to stop. I have to work on having trust, on having faith in things, on being okay. I have to learn that I am not who I thought I was and stop being afraid of every little possible crack in the moment. The truth is I am fine and I can take anything that comes my way. That I don't have to be in charge and clean and polished with everything in place. It doesn't make things better and it doesn't make me happy and it puts everything at risk.

I have to learn to be and trust in that.

This Cheating Heart

So I am half assing NaNoWriMo this year.... I decided that I would revisit my second attempt at a novel--one that has yet to be read by any besides me and Johnno... He's only read it because I am paying him.

Really.

This novel was one that I had printed out a few years back and then somehow lost the actual computer files. I'm still not sure when it happened but it took me a while to notice. I freaked out when I did because the idea of retyping so overwhelming that I kind of flaked out. But I managed to convince Johnno to take on the project for some cash and it has worked out well.

And now I am being to try and retool it. I haven't really typed a new word yet but have been working on renaming the characters and restructuring the plot in my head. What is interesting is I have found I have a handful of odd archetypes I revisit in my work. It will be interesting to see if I can get close to actually finishing it. But what I have reread I do like.

It's reassuring. It means I am taking up a hot lover instead of desperately holding on to hope for a love past it's prime. Plus it reassures me that I can have talent at points.

Forever Isn't Too Far Away

Been gone a bit... Not the first time or last time this will happen but at least i still feel guilty for not writing... Means I am keeping perspective I guess... Still its an excuse.

Boo...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I almost actually quit my job--it had become one of those situations where things were getting worse but no one was listening even though I am the only one in my department... I had been spending the last few Saturdays in the office (4 weeks worth) to try and make things better and when the show suddenly tried to upend that with list of new tasks to add to the ones I was hired for....

I lost my shite

I had to hide for at least an hour the day it happened--and every other day I was so upset that it was like the heat source radiating off my body. I try to be good at my job, I push myself very hard but even I reach a breaking point. I think the need to pay for my wedding is the only thing that kept me going--no matter how much Sophie try to convince how great it feels to just walk away from a job.

And then they saw the light.

Out of the blue my two bosses had a meeting with me and suddenly shifted my work load to something much more manageable, something I had pushed for almost 2 months ago and both were like-this makes the most sense right? I almost passed out from relief and in the time since then things have gotten much better. Much much better.

But until then I could barely string two words together much less a blog entry.

I always feel sorry about that.

This Life Is Out Of Service

So I have fallen apart a bit in the last week. Not emotionally but more in terms of schedule and doing the things I want to do versus need to do. I made it into month 2 of P90X and proceeded to fall off the schedule. I didn't just stop but I had to miss a day or two which made me feel crazy guilty which then made me double on workouts which made me super sore and tired which made the next day harder.

I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Add to the mix an internal debate... I am trying to figure out if and what i should do about NaNoWriMo this year. There is a novel that I have that I need to rewrite that Johnno has been transcribing for me from the last hard copy I had before my computer crash back in 2005. It is not the same novel as my first NaNoWriMo so it doesnt feel like full out cheating but still... I like to play by the rules which insist on new work each time.

Its not like I even have an idea or a plot to do but I just feel like I don't want to cheat. This makes me crazy of course--no one will know or care besides me so I can do what I want. But work has been crazy too so will I want to sit back down at a computer and write after a 9 hour day? Only if work gets better.

But the most important part is this--if I do p90x and NaNoWriMo I will have no life at all outside of these projects. Both mean the world to me in different ways and both would benefit me immensely but would they drive me crazy if combined? That is the part I am not sure about.

But it would save me money from not going out as much. A benefit to be considered.

Emerson Don't Have Math Majors

Weddings are expensive. Weddings in LA are more expensive. Weddings in LA when you do the math wrong and get really excited about a location and cost are really expensive when you figure out the proper amount

This is not surprising and yet I was surprised.

I am trying hard to not get too let down as the wedding search continues. It doesn't help that I have found one place I would really like to have the ceremony but due to bad math I thought we had found the place. My math was really off though and it made me depressed for the better part of a week.

But there are other places that I like as well and we are so FAR out from even paying for a place that this is all just window shopping. Edie noted that she was surprised I was so gun ho about everything wedding when the truth is I just want things settled and to have it all planned out.

Maybe Johnno and I need to rethink LA--maybe just a random place in the country could be cheaper. Nebraska anybody?

Broken Engagement (Ring That Is)

My ring broke apart the other night and I kind of freaked out. I'm not surprised that it happened--its an Esty ring that is not meant to be worn full time. But still I felt a little snapped when the clock came off of the band when I bounced my hand against the door frame at Kelly's house.

And while I hid my reaction from the girls that night--at home I was really sad. I dont miss wearing the ring but I miss the meaning of it which bummed me out. Now I have to wait on the seller to tell me the best way to get it fixed.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long.

Like An Episode of Gossip Girl

I have been the process of asking people to be apart of the wedding. It's been a hard thing to do--mostly because I wanted to ask certain people in certain order, some people I have had to struggle to have the time to ask them face to face and with others there has been debate.

Not naming names.

But the hardest thing about picking people to be in your wedding is how much of it is about trust, how much of it is about shared history and how much of it is about politics. I know it should always be "ask who want when you want" but it doesn't feel that simple in the moment. Especially since I have to take Johnno's side of the wedding into consideration as well.

In terms of numbers and order--I am not telling him who he can and can't ask.

But the hardest part has been nailing certain people down. It should be no surprise that Edie is my maid of honor--or as she prefers the title "First Bitch"--but it took me forever to get to ask her. Part of her job is traveling and I just really wanted to have a moment with her to make sure that she could take the position.

(Like in football--which i have taken up watching.)

But after a much of missed opportunities to talk on both sides--I finally sent her a video from my phone just flat out asking her to be in the wedding. It felt ridiculous when recording it and took forever to send but I'm also glad it played out that way. We often joke that we are Blair/Serena from Gossip Girl and this is so how they would do this.

It's funny.

And so now I have two members of the bridoom party settled on my side. Now I just have to get ready and track down all the others. Hopefully it should get easier now.

Right?!

Working Through It

So I have been working on the body. I find that doing that helps remove some of the stress in my life and makes me feel better about myself. It has been hard counting--in some cases guessing--my calorie intake but I have learn to boost some numbers and cut back on others. I never realized how little I ate during the start of my day and how much that affected me.

It's good to learn.

My only compliant is that I have been doing P90X which is hard and yet easy at the same time. It is easy in the sense that my back has been fine with the workouts and with the exception of the pullups I have been in pretty good space through the process. The only problem is that it is at least an hour of working out six days a week. Sometimes it gets ready hard to make the time.

I am not a gym bunny.

But it is amazing to know what your body is capable of when you fuel it correct and maintain it properly. I like how things fit, I like knowing how to eat better and I am proud of how good I have been doing.

I feel like less of a machine and more like a work of art in progress.

Caught In The Middle

Samuel is in town. The ex returned for a local friend's wedding and decided to spend a week here in the city catching up with various odd friends. It's kind of weird. I mean, he and I have hash and rehashed our history and came to a certain peace with how things worked out. We talk about writing and TV, share scripts and stories about dating and family but even still the idea of him lurking around my neighbor threw me.

Sometimes I'm crazy.

I guess it was because the last times we saw each other in person, in the same space, were uncomfortable at best. I wasn't sure how I would handle seeing him and he was more than willing to meet Johnno and vise versa.

It felt awkward.

But the three of us went out to dinner last night--Samuel made a point of buying since he felt I did most of the paying in our relationship. It was a sweet but unneeded gesture. We talked over salads and soups and through coffee and a small neighborhood walk. It was easy if jumpy at points--being in person I think reminded me of everything about us as a couple both good and bad.

Perspective.

Later on we went to the local lesbian bar for trannioke. I figured if the conversation died we would at least get a good show out of it. It was fun and we each had a chance to sing and drink. The two boys got along well and I was given the ex approval on my fiancee. And Johnno-for his part--understood a bit more about my past and could see me clearer.

Interesting.

And outside of an exchange or two everything stayed polite and light and fun. I'm glad that we are all over that hump. I feel now like I have settled something more in my past--not that there were lingering feelings but I just know more now.

In The Air

I'm getting kind of tired of being stressed.... Between work driving me up the wall--not good or bad but just up a wall, feeling like I am broke--because I have to pay for all the upgrades in my lifestyle, and just the stress of even thining about wedding planning--how do most people do this? I am feeling all weird and annoyed and frustrated.

That being said I am doing myu best, still working out doing P90X and staying on my caolorie counting.... Not sure how i feel about things yet but I have to hope that somehow it will all come together...

A change is in the air right?

Sacrifice

It is what it all comes down to. To get what you want you have to put away the easier options, the safer options, the known options. You have to decide on one path, one choice and one goal.

I have been struggling with this.

The wedding planning brought this idea to the forefront and it is one that I wasn't ready to accept. I was talking with some of my girls over cocktails and beets about how I felt that I was going to have to make large ones and Valeska pointed out that was the point of what I was trying to do.

I was hoping for a better answer.

In the aftermath of hashing out guest lists and locations and bridal parties I started to freak out in my head. Because to get married would take a lot of turning down and giving and putting aside. I like my life the way it is--nights out and new clothes, itunes shopping sprees and trips out of town. I worked hard to make my life debt free and something that allowed for all of that and planning the wedding was proving that would all have to stop--or least not be as easy.

I got upset.

I tried to wrap my head around why.... Part of me suspected that it had to do with the fact I never thought I would get married. I'm from that gay generation that didn't grow up thinking that would be possible. I wanted the right but never put it in perspective.

I always imagined myself in some kind of witty party--filled with townhouses and art shows and high fashion and good books. I would have a lover who I lived with--we would both be creative and urban--we would be free to do what we wanted as long as we shared the memories with each other. No picket fences or car pool lanes for us.

And while there was part of me that wished for the other side of the coin--the two kids and the house and the ease of being of homebodies and the challenge of child rearing it was an abstract idea. Kind of a "Sliding Doors" moment--the life unled.

And now I am at that crossroad and I have to figure who I am and what I want. I love Johnno and want a life with him but how to make that happen? if i could we would be married tomorrow in a simple quick ceremony with our nearest and dearest--fuss or muss. But the other side of me likes the romance and uniqueness of a wedding. One of the first gay weddings to be legal--we will wait that long--the first of our friends and families in most cases.

But now I have to work on making that happen. Of putting aside shoes and Vegas and David Levithan books to make that real. I know I can do this and it is what I want but change is hard and I don't want to miss a thing.

I have always wanted it all.

The Fiancee and the Reality Showboy

As aprt of our trip out of town Johnno and I decided the weekend of the lesbian wedding would make a great kick off to playing our own. We would have a cabin to oursleves and the isolation from the rest of the weekend's events to pour over planning manuals, make lists and figure out the details that would matter to us.

One of the funny things about the hotel is that it has a rumors of being haunted. There is a handful of cabins where Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, and the Kennedy brothers used to stay. Johnno was not real thrilled at the idea of huanted spaces or ghosts--

Of course the only cabin availible was the Marilyn Monroe cabin. Haunted by hers truly--due to the rumor that she actually died there instead of in LA. I was thrilled of course--I was hugely in Monroe growing up and I always love a chance to spook the hell out of the boy. Not one of his favorite things.

Here are some pictures to give you an idea of the space.






Of course the first thing I did was explore the one room cabin. I found the weak spot in the floor where the old secret tunnel used to come into the cabin. The rumor was that our cabin and the two next to us all had tunnels underneath that innterconnected between each other and the casino. The reason being that if the place was raided people could get from Nevada to California secretly. And while there was a tour of the tunnels--we didn't have time to go.

Though I did have time to try and set my phone ring to a spooky recording of Marilyn singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." It didn't work and Johnno probably would have made me the second ghost of the cabin.

Of course the irony was not lost on me of trying to plan the wedding in a room that was haunted by a well doucmented loser at love. I decided bad juju be damned--we had work to do.

So Johnno and I stocked up on food and spent the better part of Saturday evening hashing out ideas and lists. The one thing that kept coming up was how hard it was going to be to pay for a wedding. I know it is snotty--but I couldn't help but feel resentful that unlike a straight wedding--it became clear that neither of us would have any parental money for the event. It stressed me out.

Money is one of the biggest issues in my life. I am in a good financial place with little debt--everything is like a Desitny's Child song cause it's mine, I buy it and I depened on me. So the idea of having to somehow come up with thousand of dollars made me so edgy and nervous that we didn't really nail down much in terms of cost.

But we did manage to work out a guestlist, the list of people for the bridal/groom parties, the ways we would like to try and include some other people in the ceremony. We came up with some unexpected choices which will be great if they work out--unusal things that are true to us and the relationships in our lives.

What took me by surprise was how much I freaked out over the family aspect of the wedding planning. Not so much Johnno's family--that is his battle to pick and choose--but my own. I have always been a bit removed from my family--more by circumstance than choice--but suddenly it became clear to me how hard this situation was going to be.

To try and balance my mother and my father, my stepfather's family versus the other families, picking who I would like to be there and who I don't want. I was emtional and found myself very locked up. It is going to be hard and I am not sure what to do and how not to offend.

But at least I am glad that there is no family money in the mix--paying our own way means it is on us and us alone. I like to think that Marilyn was guiding that school of thought--that to create one's own moments in life is what gives it meaning. And even if it doesn't work out exactly right--it is ours to make and own.

Fashion Makes Me A Whore

I have decided to try and do a tumbler account of my various fashion wants and wishes seperate from my blog. It will be about things I like, things I want and things I will have. Not sure it will be to everyone's taste but I think it is a great side project

You can follow the story here

http://glamkattefashionwhore.tumblr.com/

And of course--feel free to comment or email on it. it is meant to be a discussion piece more than this blog will ever be.

A Weekend Away

So Johnno and I spent last weekend away up at Lake Tahoe.... It was for a friends' wedding--a lesbian wedding--and with marriage on our mind it seemed the perfect time and place to start thinking about ours. Of course we were a little distracted.

The place we went to was called Cal Neva and it was just like stepping into the lost sets from "Dirty Dancing". It kind of stopped me in my tracks.



This is the view from our friends room. Goregous and reminded me that city life is not the only pretty life.



This would be the recurring theme of the weekend. Random art and folk accents. Truly a different world.



Key word is rustic



The name of the hotel comes from the fact that is was right on the state line. It had gambling and smoking on one part but the other was strictly California legal. It made it obvious why the place was briefly owned by Frank Sinatra and visited by such people as the Jack Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Judy Garland, and Marilyn Monroe.




This was the weird mix of Indian, Mexican, Esmiko art in the Celeb Stage Room. This room was redone for Nancy Sinatra to perform in when Frank owned it... It is also were Judy Garland and her sisters were discovered in the 30s.




The recurring theme was that NOTHING had been updated since the 60s. Lots of weird and random details that made me laugh. I like a bit of camp when in the woods.



All that said--the wedding itself was beautiful even if it did take place in the Indian Room. Politically correct this place was not. But what an inspiration for us.

This Won't Hurt A Bit

So I think I finally figured out my back issue. It has to do mostly with the way I sleep and how that aggravates my old injury. So now I have to learn how to sleep on my back--and if you have ever had to retrain yourself on how to sleep then you know this...

It is tiring.

My body is so used to relaxing into sleep with me on my stomach--something that I had done since I was younger as part of a way to help my asthma. It is such a calming way for me to drift off that it has been extremely hard to adjust to... Even as I wake up every morning with a better and better back.

And now I debate doing a week of sleeping pills to for me to drift off in the proper position and get used to the idea of that kind of sleeping. Which seems unhealthy as all get out but would get me back in the swing of things.

Of course this is not meant to sound ungrateful. The ability to walk normally and work out and dance and all adult things with pain is pretty much the bees knees... Or the bees back?

I guess that is a bad analogy.

The Garden of Eden

So it has been exactly one week since my new phone. I finally broke down and got a smart phone--I have been very against this but figured it was time. I was sent a "Deal"--to good to be true as it turned out--and decided that it would be helpful to have things like instant bank access and a camera that I could email pictures from instead of doing it the long way through the fiancee's phone.

I even bought an iphone.

*Shudder*

I have a lot of issues with Apple as a company. While I understand most of the benefits when it comes to their computers; virus free (for the most part) and able to run particularly graphic and image programs well, I love the instant gratfication of itunes (a little too much) but when it has come to Ipads and Iphones I have had a huge problem.

There is the amount of censhorship that Apple has engaged in when it comes to these two particular platforms. I am not a fan of someone taking something that is basically free (in the sense of free trade of ideas) and suddenly imposing their own limitations on it. I don't like that Apple will ban any appilcations for the Iphone that it "has issue with" because honestly free speech is important.

Now I am not saying I want kids to get free porn texts or want to down load the KKK locator but I should have that option when I buy my own operating system. Which is what these things are. I don't want to have fashion layouts in Out Magazine censored for being too "risky" or Madonna's nipples airbrushed off any magazine. I'm an adult and can choose for myself.

Now if Apple had options for parents to remotely censor applications on their childrens' phone--I would be behind that. It would be similar to the parental locks on TV and cable or warning on CDs. Give people information and let them make their own choices. That is important to me.

But why was it not important enough to prevent me from buying their product?

Because it is the top of the line option. In terms of battery strength, in terms of techinolgy it is the best. They dominate the field. Which is why this censorship is scary.

We love it so much we forget about the price we pay.

Perfect Day

I guess I am more simple than I thought... This time last week I had a perfect day and I didn't realize how happy it made me until after the fact. There was no huge moments in the day--just a smal smattering of different things that happened--my new phone was up and working, I managed to order a handful of items from the Target Missoni collection, I started and was doing well with a new eating program and even Johnno and I were just in a good vibe.

It was nice.

I don't think I realzied how often that is not the case; how often things get messy or petty or emotional for me. The fact that all it took was technology working how it was suppsoed to, some light shopping and better focus on my own life goals--such a simple and easy list to push through... It makes me wonder if I need to work on focusing much smaller in my aims.

Maybe?

Last night after wine with the girls--I was walking home and ready to climb into bed. I did have an offer for a ride but I turned it down because I wanted to enjoy the weather. This is usually when I would have a cigarette as well.

Walking along I thought about how easy it would be to swing by the store and grab a pack of cigarettes at the 711. I only really wanted one and could just hide away the rest of the pack and be fine.

This NEVER works.

But having made my mind up--I actually pulled the patch off my arm and started to walk down the longer way--past 711. But then I caught myself and turned the corner for the shortcut home because I realized I did not WANT a cigarette.

This is HUGE

So much of the struggle with this comes down to training yourself to say no, act indifferent and remind yourself constantly why you can't. But you always still want one; always always always. Which is what made tonight so different.

I didn't...

Fashion Whore

I really want this



I don't know it is ridiculous or not but I love this look.... I really want it but cannot justify that much money on a retro piece... I need to win the lottery ASAP

Life Notes With Rory



This is the view from my desk--not of it. Without my co-worker Hector here to mock i have taken my former smoking breaks to try and learn all the states. I am a nerd.

As The Leaves Fall

Obviously it is fall... I have cleaned my closet out of gross summer shoes that didn't last, t-shirts that grew to big or were always to small, the flipping through of last springs clearance purchases AKA new items to break in. The bed gets a slightly thicker blanket, i'm not as concerned with the abs and flip flops become laundry shoes once again.

It is also time to change up the hair. One of the great things about being a dirty blond with thick hair is that I can afford to grew it out to long surfer-lite bangs and blond shades all summer but when fall comes around--time for a new look.



Dark brown hair with reddish tones, a nicely kept but still rugged looking beard. The fake glasses come out more often and hats become less about hiding un-styled hair and more about seasonal warmth.

And it is always funny who loves the change and who bemoans the lack of blond. While the boyancee is always fairly mute when it comes to my looks; it is always the random girls in my life who seem to notice and comment. I have people like Chloe and Raquel saying it is sexy and hot while Edie seems to wait for summer to roll back around for her favorite blond to return.

It's nice to have the options though. For some people it is caramel coffee drinks but for me it is dark caramel locks. To each his own I guess

Like A Sheryl Crow Song

So this weekend ended up being very low key but also very informative... Last weekend I had bought a new desk for Johnno to set up in the bedroom--I felt bad that he felt he had no space and so I managed to work out a game plan (or two)in my head for him to have a space all his own for his podcasting and general desk/space issue. It actually has worked out well and he seems quite happy with the whole situation. He gave me a thank card later that week and while it made me happy--it gave me pause.

Something in the card realy stuck with me; a brief line that implied that I was a good boyfriend for dealing him... It was an innocent turn of phrase but it made me feel like maybe he thought I thought of the relationship that--dealing with things. I didn't like it. Because I know that I am the more difficult one.

Between the non-smoking attempt and general work madness--my fuse has been shorted by at least a mile. I can be snappy or get worked up pretty easily--I have started to see that around him I can be incredibly high strung and snappish. Something I tend not to do around other people because with them I get moody and silent and drift away--I don't get WORKED UP.

Being aware of this, I decided to try and step up the romance game. We went and had a nice expensive dinner on Friday night just because, I spent most of Saturday cleaning out my closet, catching up on grooming and basic household stuff while he was at work. We then decided to head out for the night by ourselves.

One of the things we have fallen into is going out to one of the three gay bars in the neighborhood--different ones different times--which is a nice change from the usual places we hang with the hang. I can see that Johnno misses his gay lifestyle from Seattle--have the boys to hang with and the bars to hit with them--I never really had that but I am finally seeing the appeal of that.

Unfortunately, we don't really know any gay guys that we "hang out" with and so we head out to these bars, drink and talk amongst ourselves and it is usually a variation on what we would do at the Dollhouse. And recently it has become more drinking then I am comforatble with--not alcoholic or anything--but we are drinking out of boredom or lack of anything else to do. I really would like to change that because I'm tired of slight hangovers and late night dinner food that may or may not be good for the diet.

So I have decided that we need to work on doing things away from the bars--just the two of us. I suspect it will be a lot of movies, maybe mini-golf or roller skating, drives to the beach or something along those lines. I like the idea of us being more than just out at bars--this isn't to say we won't go out with our friends and stuff cause we will but we as a couple need more than nightlife.

A change would do us good.






A change would do some good.

Music Whore



I just love this song right now... Thanks to Chloe for the exposure... Happiness

Art

No this is not some pretentious piece about the process or the calling or anything like that. (Though maybe it should be at some point.) Instead it is about those objects that hang on walls, from ceilings or sit in many a display case.

Traditional objects de art

I started getting curious about art again mostly through watching Edie... Not that she has suddenly taken up painting or sculpture--though that would be interesting-but through her recent obsession with purchases and collecting small pieces of it from a mutually favorite artist. I'm not copying her per say but was taken aback by how easy she made it look to find, purchase and display something only you own the original off.

Anyone who knows me well has at some point seen my collection of art prints/posters. I love a picture painting whether it is classical, pop art, cubism and everything in between. It just never occurred to me to search and find artists that I like--artists whose work I can own for my own.

It feels very mature.

So I decided this birthday that I would buy myself my first piece of art. It didn't have to be expensive or huge--just something that spoke to me, my personality and my sense of humor and whimsy. And this is what I came up with.



I know.

It is goofy and pop culture and more than a little gay. There was something ironic and iconic about the picture that spoke to both my sense of humor and my current state of mind. I wasn't sure how I would feel until it arrived and then I fell in love with it. Johnno himself seemed to like it--and he has been down this road before with friends who start to collect art. He reminded me that the point is to like what I am collecting and not just look for the popular style or name or whatever. And he is fine with this new hobby.

As long as I don't call myself a "patron of the arts".

7 Days

So technically I made it 7 days without smoking. A full week. I should be excited about this development, embracing forward movement, getting beyond certain time frames and just being positive. I should be focused on all of that.

But...

I managed to spend the week post Lola's birthday party not smoking, not being being tempted and even getting back on par with my workout schedule. The better eating is still being balanced out but is a work in progress for both me and Johnno. I can't really get worked up too much on that. I do though--always my flaw.

I get too worked up.

So Sunday night--because of the holiday--it was decided that a handful of us would hang out for drinks. Not unusual but we were going to do our drinking on the West Side so that we could pick up Valeska from the airport and catch last call with her. Originally the line was to be Kelly, Johnny, Sabine, Dominic, Johnno and myself--the perfect amount of people to be able to move around from bar to bar before Kelly picked up V.

Johnno and I had made a game plan of sorts... We were going to go and grab some In N Out to eat on the way--one of the few diet approved fast food options--and I would be able to grab CBTL since the coffee house was next to my bank. Everything was lined up to be an easy night of Johnno driving us to meet up with everyone and continue the easy going flow of the weekend.

Of course things changed.

Last minute Kelly's husband decided not come out--he had too much work to catch up on from home--so she decided to offer Johnno and I a ride with her. I was in the shower and just starting to get ready when this conversation began--and my night went from burgers and coffee and long showers to having to be ready in ten minutes, no time for food and no way to get coffee.

I lost my shite.

Not in a yelling, crying, throwing things type of way--more of a seething annoyance. Johnno picked up on the new vibe right away and managed to keep his distance from me-I'd like to believe he was giving me space instead of worrying I was mad at him. And the truth is--I wasn't mad at him. He didn't want to drive if he could avoid it, he wanted to be able to have more than 2 drinks the whole night and I don't ever get to present that option to him.

But I was still upset.

Of course I stuffed it into myself and just kept doing what I was supposed to do. I was really upset but had no way to vent my feelings without feeling like a spoiled asshole. Which I was being. So began the slippery slope towards me and a pack of cigarettes later that night.

Yep.

But thinking about it all after the fact--I have learned that I use(d) my smoking as a form of meditation when angry. In the past when these things would happen--I would go off away from the situation and take several moments of deep nicotine-d breath away from the stress factor whether it was a person, place or thing. And I have yet to figure out how to replace that coping mechanism with anything else healthier.

I could learn to mediate on the go. I could try and get less worked up in general. I could take up counting things or yoga stretches in the moment. But I always feel so foolish doing things like that--a silly guy doing foolish things.

Somehow it has not clicked in that it is more foolish to engage in a seriously unhealthy, expensive and disgusting habit. That should be my focus--the negative more than anywhere else in my life. But it is not yet.

Which is how I broke my 7 day streak.

Holiday Rift

It's weirdly nice to get a day off... It is not normal when it comes to what I do. I work long hours, under tough deadlines in some harsh places. I spend my time at my job trying to do so much with so little, never knowing for certain when a show might wrap, where I might end up next and how I will get from point to point B.

However

I love my job. It makes me happy, hopefully it makes other people and at the end of the day I am usually quite proud of what I do. No I don't get health benefits, no 401K, there is no union for me to join. Sometimes it makes things harder, to chase the dream with no guarentee other than the ones I make myself. And sometimes I wish it was easier to feel protected from bad jobs.

Which is why when people complain about unions, bargaining rights and the like I have to wonder... Do you get health care? Paid sick days? Paid vacatiobn?!? I sure don't.

And there are some who argue I could have all this is I walked away and got a real job. Settled down into something stable with all the trimmings. That all us union supporters are just whining for no reasons. When I know that I work hard--harder than most people making that arguement. I wouldn't trade it for the work but sometimes I just want to look at them and say

SHUT UP--UNIONIZE!

Todays Lesson

Never forget that I am the only one responsible for myself, the only one to be trusted to handle my business and the only one who values what I hold dear. Letting anyone else into that process is a step towards failure--no matter their intentions.


Something I need to remember

Fashion Whore

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "hello lover..."



I shall have you--tis my birthday gift to self.

...

So this week has been spent trying to get things back together. The job is finally back on track with filming in Florida--which is a good thing because I was able to catch up on other tasks but still have a job through Thanksgiving. Something to be grateful for indeed.

And I actually seem back on task with my workout schedule. I have been taking advantage of the new free gym machines in the park by my house... Even though it is weird to work out at night and have already been scared by a coyote and a homeless person. But free is good and I find I like the quiet and open air just as much as doing videos in the apartment. Not sure if much has changed body-wise but being able to work out consistently while on the patch is impressive.

Speaking of patches and non-smoking--after falling on my face Thursday I stumbled again on Saturday. I was cranky and mean during the day, the heat kept the patch from sticking to my skin and I just kind of took it out on Johnno. To the point that he--usually unflappable--called me out on it. The problem is that the first few days or even weeks of quitting smoking make me a bit less comfortable and social. He basically said that I wasn't spending time with him and acting like I even like him much--so that stung and spun me straight into a pack of smokes.

But that is an excuse

So I woke up on Sunday, put on my patch and started the process over. I'm doing better than before in terms of moods, sleep has gotten a bit easier and I am trying to put extra effort into how we react together. Hopefully I'm doing enough to make this all work. And I have decided to take a step away from some of my usual haunts like Tranny Karaoke and BB drinks post live show to get a better grasp on being a non-smoker.

Hopefully this all pays off. I want it too

Fashion Whore


I sense a little inspiration coming this way. Let's see how I can adapt this in the near future without spending much money. i know it can be done--I've done more with less. Loves it



Hmm hmm hmm...

Fashion Whore

It is expensive and probably tacky but I love it.



It is so me right? Except for the pink part but--whatevers

Perspective

From Miss Lucy's blog

at some point in my life i made the decision that i needed to do everything by myself because the world owes me no favors and if you want something you’re going to have to do the work to get it.

no one told me that not everything has to be work and no one told me that it’s not about favors or anyone owing anyone anything.

I should cross stitch this somewhere. Or a tattoo.

Face Is Bruised

Tonight I fell on my face. Not literally but in the metaphysical sense. I had 3 cigarettes with BB people. I should not have. At all. No excuses.

But what I learned tonight is how emotionally manipulative I am. I had one of those moments with Johnno where I presented different options of what to do in a situation but in my heart there was only one answer. I tried to gently tried to push and pull him towards doing what I wanted but when it didn't work out I felt myself get angry! Super angry.

And I realize I do this all the time. It is a test without knowing. Awful.

At least I was about to acknowledge the mistake and was processing it through as I headed out for the night. I had plans to stop by the BB show for a glass of wine before heading down the street to Kato's birthday party. I did well around the temptation and managed to get in and out easily

I then hit up the birthday where I had a couple of drinks and some fried cauliflower. I made some conversation with the birthday boy and his wife, with Ali and Kelly and Thomas before deciding it was time to head home. I was tired but needed the walk.

And this is where it went off the rails. I walked past the BB bar where everyone was clearing out and managed to get talked into having "one more drink" with them. Now there some people like Bumble and Nina who I had not seen yet so I did honestly want to catch up. But this led to more than one drink and to 3 cigarettes.

Right now I hate myself. The only high point is that i did stop at 7/11 on way back and grabbed water and a bag of chips. The idea of buying smokes never entered my head.

But still

Do I need a sponsor?

The Adult List

This almost sounds like a porn career... However-for many reasons--it is not and instead is the ever growing list of things I need to figure out how to deal with. Things that make me nervous or give me pause--I know I need to handle them but I DON'T WANNA!

It's important and random things like dentist appointments and budgeting for a new computer and figuring how and when I can get the couch reupholstered... When are Johnno and I going to sit down and work out a game plan for a wedding, much less the budget for one... When am I going to work out all the little life necessities that i just don't have right now and how can I budget for them...

The list overwhelms me.

I wish there had been a class in college called "How to handle real life shit" that would have touched on insurance and retirement plans and budgeting and scheduling things like teeth cleaning and car tune ups and all the other stuff you only figure out by failing at.

This Could Be Me



Who would have guessed?

Day Three

Patches give you weird dreams. Like really weird dreams that cause real anxiety.

No I am not a pirate.

Yet.

As part of my non-smoking plan I have decided to get back on the nicotine patch. I know that there are some people who would suggest just going cold turkey but I do like being employed, engaged, and entertaining. None of that would be possible if I just stopped.

Honestly--I would either end up in jail or the morgue.

But I always forget how strange the patch makes me sleep; either I am tired all the time or deeply stuck in weird night dreams. I have been back to my high school, hooked up with my boss, being in horror film where I was the killer, lost all my money and became a hobo, and even one where I was married to one of my friends--girlfriends. I even had one so scary that I caused an asthma attack and woke myself up.

Freddy Kruger wouldn't be able to beat that type of self control.

Still--it is just weird. Going to sleep continues to feel like a potluck of emotion and memory. I am still going strong though--which is the good thing. Outside of a general and slight crabbiness, I think I am doing fine. But...

In the past Day Three has always been the sticking point

Boxes of Memories/Inbox of Forever

I write thank you notes. Not the handwritten, self stamped, post delivered kind but various e cards I tack down over the internet. I'm never quite sure if this appropriate because I get the feeling that this offends some people.

which offends me.

I have never been a huge fan of useless mail. I rarely keep Christmas cards or birthday wishes--I have no scrapbook of past events to look back on. Mostly because people tend to sign generic things in them.

"Happy holidays-- Jack and Jill!"

"Make a wish Rory! Sarah and Sam"

Nothing about this kind of message will mean anything to me in the future--besides a show of possible popularity. If I am forgetful I highly doubt cards reading "keep in touch" or "Happy new Years" alone will suddenly trigger memories of those in my past.

However--I do keep cards with either amazing art which shows the person knows my taste, ones with inside jokes or memories and the few that have real sentiment scrawled inside. But even then I do wonder if I will need 30 plus "awesome story" cards when I am 70.

Maybe I will regret it.

But I just find that most people don't keep their greeting cards in general. And at least with the internet ones, people can chose to print them out if they'd like or keep them in the in box or delete at will. I'd rather give people the choice, not waste the paper, but still seem grateful

Maybe I'm just projecting.

Maybe Not So Much Of A Working Girll

So this is happening at my show.

A staple of MSNBC’s weekend program, the docu-series “Lockup” is facing a bit of a challenge in Florida. Florida Department of Corrections secretary Ed Buss approved a contract to let the production company behind the series film in a prison, but Governor Rick Scott says that Buss did not have the authority to approve filming.

Buss worked with the production company when he oversaw Indiana’s prison system. For now, it isn’t clear whether Scott’s office will approve of filming, or whether the crew will have to go to another state to get tape.

Sources within Buss’s office said the warden sent the film crew home Wednesday after hearing from Scott’s office.

Buss failed to vet the contract with Scott’s executive staff before signing it, Burgess said.

“The feeling is that it was outside the scope of the Department of Corrections purview to engage the state in an entertainment-related contract,” Burgess said. “Right now the Lockup contract is locked up and I don’t’ know if it’s going to be unlocked. It’s not going forward at this point.”

I have a job for now but who knows for how much longer.... Maybe I will do NaNoWriMo in October... That would be a good thing.

looking at the positive