Friday, September 30, 2011


It is what it all comes down to. To get what you want you have to put away the easier options, the safer options, the known options. You have to decide on one path, one choice and one goal.

I have been struggling with this.

The wedding planning brought this idea to the forefront and it is one that I wasn't ready to accept. I was talking with some of my girls over cocktails and beets about how I felt that I was going to have to make large ones and Valeska pointed out that was the point of what I was trying to do.

I was hoping for a better answer.

In the aftermath of hashing out guest lists and locations and bridal parties I started to freak out in my head. Because to get married would take a lot of turning down and giving and putting aside. I like my life the way it is--nights out and new clothes, itunes shopping sprees and trips out of town. I worked hard to make my life debt free and something that allowed for all of that and planning the wedding was proving that would all have to stop--or least not be as easy.

I got upset.

I tried to wrap my head around why.... Part of me suspected that it had to do with the fact I never thought I would get married. I'm from that gay generation that didn't grow up thinking that would be possible. I wanted the right but never put it in perspective.

I always imagined myself in some kind of witty party--filled with townhouses and art shows and high fashion and good books. I would have a lover who I lived with--we would both be creative and urban--we would be free to do what we wanted as long as we shared the memories with each other. No picket fences or car pool lanes for us.

And while there was part of me that wished for the other side of the coin--the two kids and the house and the ease of being of homebodies and the challenge of child rearing it was an abstract idea. Kind of a "Sliding Doors" moment--the life unled.

And now I am at that crossroad and I have to figure who I am and what I want. I love Johnno and want a life with him but how to make that happen? if i could we would be married tomorrow in a simple quick ceremony with our nearest and dearest--fuss or muss. But the other side of me likes the romance and uniqueness of a wedding. One of the first gay weddings to be legal--we will wait that long--the first of our friends and families in most cases.

But now I have to work on making that happen. Of putting aside shoes and Vegas and David Levithan books to make that real. I know I can do this and it is what I want but change is hard and I don't want to miss a thing.

I have always wanted it all.

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