Thursday, March 15, 2012
Nerves
I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.
And I'm pissed.
It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.
It's just so unfair.
But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...
I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.
I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.
And I'm pissed.
It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.
It's just so unfair.
But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...
I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Refocused
So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.
I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.
I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.
So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.
I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.
I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.
Going Crazy
I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.
I'm going off the rails.
I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.
I'm going off the rails.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
18 Becomes 200
So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.
Wince
I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.
It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.
Refocus
So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out
It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.
So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.
Wince
I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.
It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.
Refocus
So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out
It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.
Monday, February 27, 2012
How to Do Happy
I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.
Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.
It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...
It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.
Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.
I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.
Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.
It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...
It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.
Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Writing
So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.
Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that
But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.
So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.
Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that
But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Stir Crazy
I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas
But it is all so pretty
I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas
But it is all so pretty
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Cheap Dates
I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...
And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...
But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all
I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...
And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...
But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all
