Thursday, October 19, 2017

Four More Years

Tonight is our fourth anniversary. We usually do something big--we've done Mexico and Ashland and Palm Springs but this year we stayed close to home, easy restaurants and time on the couch with TNN shows...

It can't always be glamorous.

The truth was that this past year was the hardest this far in our marriage. I spent part of the past year sick. Johnno took a position at a startup that seemed more like a stopping point than a job. I worked the hardest position I ever have while making the lowest pay in almost 6 years. We both struggle and sacrificed and it didn't always make us supportive or kind.

A lot of it sucked.

They always say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I always figured it was about changing roles, changing expectations of family and friends, the abandoning of some single behavior and the creation of what the married life would look like. And we were lucky--most of the things that happened that first year (leaving the Dollhouse, moving away from Edie for the first time in 10+ years, husbear losing his job)--were things that were beyond our control. They were a struggle and forced us to face problems head on as a couple.

This was a good thing.

This past year just shook us both in unexpected ways. Losing the show made me insecure about my career and talents, we both struggled with illness and solutions to them, our friendships have shifted and have added distance both physical and emotional. This was the first year where it truly felt like work and it was hard and ugly.

But it also felt necessary. It is easy to make things work when the cash is coming, when the parties are nonstop and everyone is always getting what they want. This year really was about "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"--it was a wakeup call about the work this can be and also a reminder of what we are fighting for.

I'm not going to say I'm not a little bummed about how tonight turned--burgers and 'Major Case' reruns while we ate snacks from 7/11. But I also felt like we deserved it each more, felt each other more and loved each other more... Supposedly the fourth year present is an appliance or electronics--I feel like our gift this was to do a tune-up or two to get everything up and running.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Home Decor Fun

Just a little happiness--I wish I could do something this over the top.


It's been a long time since I last wrote--a year and 10 months and a couple weeks give or take. I never really intended to stop writing but so many things happened at once and I was too scared or worried or raw or nervous to sit down to a keyboard.

It started with my show ending--6 years of 'Lockup' ended in a random phone call after the holiday break. I knew that something was up--the episode order had shrunk but we were going into an election and that was to be expected. But we were filming in a new location and I was FINALLY getting the chance to step up and become more of a story team leader. And we had a great location and a great team and it felt like Jim finally saw me as being good at  my job.

I was so excited and then so very crushed.

And rather than think about what was happening, I went into crisis control. How do I get the most days out of the show, how do I get to be the last one standing and how do I make everyone notice me. I didn't think about how upset I was or what a stumbling block it felt like. I did what I have always done since a child--be good, be perfect and don't let them see you break.

And it worked for the most part. Until it didn't.

I was upset once the show was done and there was no real attempt to move any of the story people to other shows at the company. All the AEs and editors were giving other shows, they moved around some of the support staff but the rest of us ended up with food from Islands and a slap on the back. I don't think I realized how personal I took it until I had some distance...

But I didn't write about it because I couldn't be honest without hurting my career and I couldn't make it  like a roman à clef which could be worse. So I just didn't write at all.

But why not write about something else? Because I was too scared.

During the same time the show was ending, I started having breathing issues. At first I thought it might be panic attacks or stress but my lungs didn't feel right. Then I thought it was my asthma flaring up due to seasonal changes until I blacked out lifting weights on the floor at the apartment.

This was new.

But every doctor I saw thought it was asthma or my weight gain (which happened after I stopped working to due to my blackout) instead of listening to me. It took three trips to urgent care before they took my blood oxygen properly--I had a level of 79 which is VERY BAD. But even after the ER visit they still were not sure--I had inhalers and pills and x-rays and tests. I couldn't walk about half staircases without sounding winded and I spent my time thinking about lung cancer or COPD...

I was so scared and tired I couldn't write.

Eventually my doctor guessed it was possibly untreated bronchitis and after 9 months they put me on aggressive steroids. It took awhile (and I am still not fully recovered) but they think it was that with some new allergies mixed in. I still have times when I can't breathe well and I have to sit or take a moment but I try to force myself forward.

I just wasn't ready for all of this change.

So I had to hide away from the world. Lick my wounds and take some space to resettle in my head and my heart. To heal and get perspective about what was happening around me, to me, for me. And it scared me away from this because I didn't know how to share. I forgot about how so much of this is about honesty and ownership. Of my words and my life.

Sorry if this seems to ramble but I am in the process of still adapting to change. Hopefully this will help--it always has in the past.

Monday, May 01, 2017


It's a work in progress… but guess what it's coming back… It's been over a year and five months since I last wrote and I'm sure you are shivering with anticipation of what's happened… It's been a lot and that's gonna take some time to unpack but the blog shall ride again

Probably with some rebranding

Sunday, January 03, 2016

The way my mind works

The way my mind works

Last night I was in my kitchen… Cleaning my Jesus dinner plates (he is the reason for the season) thinking he looks dirty, which made me think I would have made a bad Christian, which made me think I would have played a good Christian in Clueless, which made me wonder what happened to Justin Walker the actor…

It's really all just held together by gum dental floss and thumbtacks sometimes

Also according to Wikipedia Justin Walker owns a restaurant in California

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Beginnings and endings

Beginnings and endings

Reminiscing today caused me to have one of those epiphanies where when you think about it afterwards you feel foolish for not jumping to ithe same conclusion earlier…

Growing up my favorite holidays were always Halloween and New Year's eve – – I always assumed that it was because for one you just dress up and be whoever you wanted and for the other it was all about new opportunities.

It wasn't until today through a kind of random conversation that I realized that the reason those are my favorite holidays is because of my childhood. See growing up with my parents' divorce, they fought about everything involving me and my brother. Every holiday was split down the middle – – Christmas breakfast with mom Christmas dinner with dad,  thanksgiving with Nana and later Thanksgiving with my french grandparents. Don't eat too much… Don't talk about your other presents… How dare you like one thing more than the other?

 Add to this my stepfather's extended family definitely made no effort to make us feel like we belong and my dad's family treated us like we adopted stepchildren we were… gifts for everyone but us sometimes, not making enough food to include us, always missing out on the family photos…So unintentionally or not they did things that made us feel bad

But no one ever fought over Halloween and New Year's… Neither cared about trick-or-treating or dressing us up and neither really wanted to watch us when they want to be up late and to seeing the new year 

It was the one holiday where there was no fighting, no awkward family moments, and was just simple. We got a large pizza and a bottle of soda and nonalcoholic side--we were left to watch movies like Grease 2 or Gremlins or total request live as late as we wanted on NYE

it was the happiest holidays we had and I'm not sure why I blocked that out except that explains a whole lot

Monday, December 21, 2015

Inspiration Blonderexic

Inspiration Blonderexic

So I've gone and colored (not dyed--never dyed) my hair platinum blond... Bright, shiny, over-the-top blond. I haven't done a color this extreme in a long time and I haven't done platinum since my senior year of college. I forgot how liberating it is.

Fortunately for me, the actually upkeep of my hair is easier since I am a natural dirty blond already. This means that I just have to keep up with the face shaving for my hair to seem somewhat natural and on-point. But I always forget what a change  of lifestyle being this blond is; how it is almost addictive.

1) I look different to a lot of people... There is something about wispy blond hair that makes people think you look younger, sometimes you look more ditzy, other times you look more approachable. I am never carded more often than with this color--and I get more smiles from strangers in general

2) Once you get the hair care process locked in--your hair will never feel unhealthy if you do it right. I mean--going this blond requires upkeep between purple shampoos and conditioners, leave-in hair masks and dry shampoo for the other 5 days a week you don't wash your hair...  What all this does is keep you from stripping too many of your hair's natural oils (from shampooing), helps you keep the extra junk out of your hair with the better hair products designed to deal with hard water and environmental damage and it encourages a lot of deep conditioning and leave-in serums which are IMPORTANT for a great head of hair. 

3) finally, drastically changing colors-which going to a platinum blonde from a dirty blonde is just as much is going from blonde to a brunette-really helps to shake your personality out of a routine… you're forced to dress different, do your grooming different, and it really is just a shift in mental gears.

I can take someone to serious and turn them into someone lighthearted and flirt orsomeone from two cheerful and kiss you too turkey mysterious… And it's always great to shake it up and not only for the ones who love you but also just push yourself outside the box

Seriously though this platinum blonde thing is pretty addictive