Friday, October 30, 2009

Like A Twist of a Kaleidoscope

So I have recently restarted on the novel. I hit a huge snag in the spring of last year and put it on a shelf until i could figure out how to best deal with my plot issues. I let the boy read and give notes which helped open up a bunch of doors for me. I picked up where I left off in the story pretty easy after a few days.

And then I hit a wall.

What I came to realize is that I had this HUGE plot device, a high school play, that was becoming more of a burden than a help in the overall story. I just felt it was unfair to have ALL my main characters involved in the play production without being able to have parts of the play in the novel. This wasn't because the high school was doing some established play (Hello copywrite issues) but because the play was a original work for the school and something I felt, as the writer, I would have to explain.

And it was becoming so much of a headache that I was lost and losing ground on the story. But fortunately last night I had a 'lightbulb' moment and figured out how to replace the play with something equally useful as a device without having to scrap the whole story. What is even more interesting is that an old idea, one I threw away, has now been reintroduced in the story as an effective plot element and even led to a couple new stylistic choices.

I feel like with one flick of the wrist I have saved the whole novel and am eagerly rewritting and continuing with my story. It might even be good now!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What is Your Responsibilty

Question-at what point do you wash your hands of a situation?

Two weeks ago I sent my resume in response to a posting with a reality website. The job wasn't ideal but I figured I needed a job more than anything so I just decided to try and apply. They called me back about a half hour later and we talked about meeting up for an interview. I couldn't do one that day so we made plans to talk on that Friday to schedule up.

On Friday I called into the office, as I was asked, and was told that the woman I was dealing with was busy but we would talk in a few hours. During this time, I went and plotted out my travel time for the trip and even went so far as to make a dry run as I waited for a return call. I never got one and in the meantime I started to feel like maybe it wasn't the right job for me.

After a day of hemming and hawing, Kirby and I talked about it and she pushed me to pursue the job. It was the right choice but I decided that I would wait until they called me back to set up a new apppointment. When I hadn't heard anything by Tuesday I called in and Shirley and I set up an interview for 3 o'clock that afternoon. She was to send me exact directions for the office and so I gathered up my stuff to be ready.

By 2 o'clock I still hadn't heard anything and was freaking out--for me to get to the interview I would have to leave the apartment shortly and was about to just go when I got an email changing my interview to 530. I was a bit annoyed because IO had to email back and request the address again but was good to go.

The interview itself went well; the office was closer than I thought, the vibe of the place seemed cool and I would even be learning anew program as part of the job. Shirley asked me to email another copy of my resume so that she could get the final okay but told me I was pretty much her man. I was the only person they even called in to interview so I was pretty much their only hope.

I have not heard a thing since last Tuesday from them. There is a part of me that says I should call in and check on what is happening but there is another part of me that says I shouldn't have too. They supposedly want me so why do I have to be the one chasing? And if they are this disorganized then do I really want to be a part of this production?

I kind of feel like I should just wash my hands of the whole thing. If they call and hire then I am willing but this shouldn't be my call to make. But I can't help but wonder if I might regret this down the road.
The Egg and I

I have always had food allergies since I was a small child; not the normal peanut allergy or the brief milk type but unique and multiple ones. I cannot have bananas, pumpkin, zucchini, squash, yams, sweet potaoes, gourds or avacados. I get hives, I swell up, I turn blue in the face, I get a burning sensation when I come into contact with any of these. It's always been that way and was more diffcult since my parents were basically veggies when I was growing up.

I am used to this shite.

But as of late I discovered something new. The boy and I switched to a new meal plan which is breaks down to being mostly carb free--we eat lots of chicken, red meat, turkey, salmon, eggs, veggies and nuts. It's been hard but finally forced me to cook more and led to me (and him) each losing about twenty pounds. It has been great to have things fit differently, to wear belts and smaller sizes.

But recently something has come up. Early this summer I went to the ER because I was horribly sick; I felt a huge pain in my stomach that wouldn't go away and which they finally told me was type of gas situation. It was gross but it passed and I was fine with almost everything. This was weird though because I usually have a steel stomach and could eat almost anything from hot salsa, peppers, japelenos and even tobasco without batting an eye.

Then the sick feeling started again early this month. I would have breakfast with the boy of eggs and bacon or eggs and chirzo but hours late I would be in miserable pain. It made no sense whatsoover so Johnno and I tried to figure out what was wrong. At first we thought maybe it was the chrizo but I could eat it fine sometimes, then we thought maybe it was the grease from the bacon when we made eggs but then that was fine when I would make bacon to crumble for salads.

So then we started to wonder if we weren't cooking the eggs enough. After one particluar day when I just felt so sick I was unable to even sit comfortably we decided to give one last test. We went out to brunch at one of our normal haunts and I had the usual eggs with cheese and bacon and veggies scrambled in. As we got home that day I was suddenly in such pain I had to throw up my entire breakfast to even be able to try and lay down for a nap. It was horrible.

And so then we took to the internets to try and see what we culd find. Turns out that I may have developed an intolerance to eggs. It's the only common feature in each inccident--that makes me sick and uncomfortable to the point I would lay on the floor in the bathroom and roll on the cold tile.

It sucks because I never really like eggs growing up and had finally seemed to gain a taste for the little suckers. But what is rather odd is that I can still have mayo with things--it just seemed to be any egg dish itslef that causes the problem.

Last thing i need is another food off my menu

Monday, October 26, 2009

Ten Things Learned

So I went to a Hollywood Hills Halloween party--friends of Edward and Vivian's were hosting and the girls (Kelly, Valeska, Ali, and Lola), the boyfriend (Johnno) and I hopped in a taxi, costumed, and pre party tipsy. It was different the usual Detriot Street Halloween (which is next weekend) in that it was a set of brothers, Greg and Wayne, who were frat boy type friends of Edward's so the vibe was guarenteed to be unusual. I have hung with the brothers before but it's hard to get a read on whether they like this group--and I am not sure but suspect that I and Johnno might be their token "gay friends".

That all said--I did learn the following ten things.

1) Straight boys always seem to think it is the late 80s, early 90s when it comes to music. One is assured to hear Bizmarkee, Young MC as well as early Biggie, Tupac and Snoog multiple times at said party.

2)If the hottest guy at the party is in his speedo in the hot tub it is your duty to find your boyfriend, your best friends, your roommate and the two girls you always see at random parties to help enjoy the view.

3) Nobody uses Grey Goose, Sky or Absolute Vodka in their jelly shots ergo any jelly shots you take will be made with cheap ghetto vodka. Forewarned is forarmed.

4) Douche bags belong alseep in the closet at the end of the night.

5) Tying a corset is hard regardless of the condition of your hands.

6) Never put your lighter on the edge of a balcony at a party with drunken slutty girls in costume. It will ALWAYS be knocked off the ledge and impossible to retrive.

7) At some point your body will decide it is time to leave--go before the party turns all tranny-like and hot mess laden.

8) NEVER DRINK GATORADE AND BOOZE TOGETHER. (Most people learned this in high school but some people still have to be schooled.)

9) Your boyfriend can throw up out a cab window effortless and should be rewarded by making sure the cab driver does not notice.

10) Never trust a drunk girl when she promises she can get herself and your friend home. She cannot handle this task and you will be called out on this decision

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Playing House

The week before Halloween is always so busy for me between juggling costumes and planning I find myself suddenly busy and all over the place. And this past week has not been any exception. But what has been odd is the boy has been over to the Dollhouse every night thus far this week--since last Friday.

It is weird--I find I am the type person who needs alone time; time for DVR and face masks, closet time and singing all with my itunes as I bounce around the apartment either in sweats or overly dressed. But instead I have found myself making dinners and lounging on couches for sitcoms and reruns with the boy as we craft and laugh and cuddle. It's like living together without the lease or the bills or the worries.

I'm not sure how it makes me feeel.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Somewhere Unfamilar

Johnno fell down the stairs tonight. It was an accident and my fault--we were throwing out parts of our halloween costume and I took him out a different way than nomral and he couldn't see.

My heart stopped.

It was one of those loud and heavy falls where you just eat the pavement and all you can do is just take a second and ctach your breath. But I felt my heart freeze up because I heard the sound and didn't see it and when I turned around I felt myself just go stone cold. I was almost sick.

But he is fine--he dusted himself off before standing--and yet I felt as if everything wasn't.

I have been dealing with a lot of my crazies as of late--jobs and friends and money and art and a million small cracks in the looking glass--and this just shook me up more. I don't think I knew until recently how poorly I handle change because I am so good at chaos that I just kept associating the two when they are not the same. Chaos is fast and in your face, it requires quick thoughts and snappy wit or reflexes and candor but change, true change, is slow and small and creeps in behind the scenes. It replaces each part of the stage until the scene is different while chaos is like a fire or a tidal wave that just happens and you have to fight to stay above it.

But the most crazy thing is the boy. Everytime I think I have a grasp on what I feel about him and where it could be going (Thanks Sex In The City for that) I find myself somewhere new and different. Having him fall in front of me made me so upset and the depth of that feeling took my breath away. I actually had to hold on to him for a moment until I could believe he was okay and thus taken in air again. We walked hand in hand back to is car and hugged a bit longer before he drove off.

And as I headed back in I wondered if I had felt this deeply before. He is not the first boyfriend, not the first time I used the love word, not my only prospect for the future and yet it feels different. But then I wondered if that was genuine because every time I have given my heart, on some level, I have believed that to be the case. And yet, once you break up and go through all the shit and the strife and the drama and depression somehow that feeling ends up being boxed away. Sometimes it is the friend's box--that you can still make room in your life for each other--and other times it's the box you leave on the curb--for the trash collector.

But I am being to see that it is more than that. That Johnno means so much to me that for a moment tonight my world stood still at the end of him not being in it. This has never happened before, never been that shaken by something so throughly, and I did not like the novelty of this feeling.

And it made me realize that I have been making myself too crazy when it comes to us. That on some level, it is enough for him to be in my world because the idea of him not being there makes mine cease to exist. I don't know who or what this makes me outside of changed.

Maybe there is something to that.
Just a Small Word

Thanks Kirby. You've been more help than you could ever know.
It's The Thinking That Kill It

I have been frozen in place as of late. I have been trying to put off serious decisions by surrounding them with so much claptrap that by the time everything is settled the time for action has passed. This is not a good thing.

Last week I submitted myself for a job; not a job I wanted but a job I figured I should go after. It isn't what I want, it is more like a step backwards, so I found myself creating ways to hesitate. I did the bare amount of effort and then put the ball in the hands of the other party to ensure that I didn't have to make a choice. This is not smart for a bunch of reasons; finanical, careerwise, and lifestyle but i seemed unable to stop myself.

And now I feel guilty and worried and have to see if I can fix things. But the truth is I know what I need to do but I am scared and spoiled and being selfish. I don't know where this all came from but it is making me into someone I know I am not. I just have to push myself to remember how hard I can fight and what I am fighting over.

Just trust and go forth as oppossed to navel-gazing. It's hard

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What A Difference...

A day makes... I was feeling down and out of sorts yesterday--so much so that I was kind of put off by myself. But today somehow seemed to make everything better--I sent emails, made plans, caught up with old frineds by both phone and mail and pushed myself.

I managed to put in a full solid work out, took some long over due pictures to make a contest deadline and finally managed to plot out then next 6 chapters in my unfinished novel. I feel reengerized and hopeful that I can make things happen again.

I feel like a real Rory again.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Pushed More than Pulled.

It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.

And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.

And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.

I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.

But how to make this happen?

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Mystery Solved

Thanks internets!

We Are the World Lyrics

There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)

We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
And the truth (Billy Joel)
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)

We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)

Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jurreau)

We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Logins)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)

When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)


(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)