Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Saga of Seattle

The Final 48

In the lead up to our trip, Johnno and I planned out our own Christmas game plan. I wasn’t keen on the idea of bringing gifts to Seattle to open in front of his parents—mostly because it was something that was meant to be personal and for us alone. So I made a plan for us to have a private Christmas the Sunday before we flew out—it worked out well because we would be doing Griffith Park Light stroll the night before then the next day was a holiday dinner party at Kelly and Johnny’s so it would feel very Christmasy.

Of course, I didn’t plan for the fact that on Saturday we would both be all over the place, tying up the loose ends for our trip. Lola and I had to exchange gifts, Johnno had to pack and clean up his apartment, I had to balance out check books and bills to send. So because of that, we just made it to the Light Stroll but still left things unaccomplished. And though I had fun at the Light Stroll, and at Johnny and Kelly’s post Lights, I knew there was still so much to do. So even though we kissed and wished each other a Merry Christmas, I was still worried when it came to me and Johnno’s last day.

So I woke him up Sunday morning with ‘Get up and get dressed bitch.’ Or so Johnno claims—which I kind of believe.

We made our way out of the house to run our last few errands. I really just wanted us to be able to settled in, no pending to-do list, once we decided to open our gifts. Johnno really wanted to go and buy an ornament for our first year together over the holidays and I really wanted to get the food we needed for the dinner party later. We made our way to Pier One and had an amusing exchange about how we both liked the same ornament but both thought the other would find it tacky. But he is cute.

His name is Arturo.

After we nailed down Arturo and food for the party, we came back and switched back into pjs for the gift swap. I think we both lucked out between clothes, cds, gift cards and various other items but more importantly, we made a moment just for us. Champagne and cuddling, music and a little bit of making out before we had to pull ourselves out of the moment and get out the door.

Then we headed off to the dinner with all the LA peeps still in town. Ali, Robin, Dominic, Thomas, Kelly, Johnny and a handful of other people made a night of it which felt very Misfit holiday in all the right ways. There was karaoke and cocktails, jokes and advice, and last minute holiday wishes between everyone there before Johnno and I headed out. We doubled checked our travel plans before he went home and I made some last minute to-do lists before bed.

The next day was pretty easy; I only had to wait for the super shuttle since Johnno had the suitcase with him so I spend my time doing all my last minute grooming between shaving and deep conditioning before making my way out. I was a bit worried because I can tend to get stressed out when traveling with other people but I made the airport in good time and found Johnno easily in the hustle and bustle of LAX.

What I wasn’t expecting was to be delayed.

Turns out the crew for our flight was somehow trapped in San Francisco so we were delayed about three hours—for a two and half hour flight. I was annoyed but mostly due to the fact that the announcer for Virgin America kept saying that we were delayed but that “all the other pending flights were on time, even those going to the East Coast since there was no weather issues so only Seattle had to wait.” I wanted to punch him.

It didn’t help that it finally set in that I was about to be dealing with Johnno’s folks and I was not really ready to accept whatever was about to happen. This led to me being in a pretty snotty mood and one that was wearing on Johnno over the course of the delay. It wasn’t until he snapped at me that I tried to get myself out of my funk—mostly because I realized that with the delay I would not have to share a supper with his parents once we arrived.

Even still, I did almost punch the Virgin American announcer when he pushed past me later. I mean, he did continue to make announcements about how we were stuck because they did not have a crew for our plane—it was just annoying to have that said constantly in a chipper voice. But we finally made our way to the plane and took off.

We held hands the entire flight—it seemed to help with the nerves.

Now I love flying so I was able to calm down by just staring out the window at the clear and pretty sky. Johnno spent the flight rocking out to music and I practiced taking deep breathes as we made our way up the coast. Once we landed, I basically didn’t even try to get off the plane because I needed more time to prep myself for what was to come. What can I say? I was a mess.

Eventually we had to get off the plane or risk looking like security risks.

Johnno and I made our way through the airport, me keeping one eye out for his folks why Johnno was more concerned about finding our luggage. He had worked so I think he was just very tired but I was worried his parents would spring out behind a column or up behind us. I wanted to stay alert and prepared.

I saw his mother first, alone and in a jaunty hat. I kept one eye peeled for his father since I was about being prepared. I hung back as Johnno greeted his mom and distracted myself by looking out for our luggage. I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

His mother came up hugged me—taking me by surprise.

The weird thing about this was that his mother barely said two words to me when we met last summer—matter of fact she only spoke to me when we left the restaurant and she suggested I looked tired and that Johnno should take me home. So the hug was weird.

So, sticking true to form, I made my way outside and had a smoke while updating my Facebook. I took the moment to try and adjust to the friendliness before heading back inside—but I somehow managed to blow past Johnno’s Dad outside and ignored him in the process. I only found this out after I headed back inside.

I will say I did feel bad.

Then we made our way out to Johnno’s sister’s house. We were staying there because the parents didn’t want us to stay at their house—which was fine with me. While the family made small talk, I stared out the car window into the darkness of Washington. It was very beautiful and woody, like ‘Twilight’ promised with a light fog and bright stars filling up the space between the thick trees—and as we continued I realized that Johnno really did live out in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually I chipped in little comments during the car ride but spent most of my time just trying to take in the scenery. His mother was friendly while Johnno and his father made conversation about sports and politics and local things—I didn’t really have much to add. But after a long ride, we finally made it to his sister Siobhan’s house which left me pleasantly surprised.

Johnno had, at the last moment, told me that she lived in a trailer park which I was weirded out by because I am a bit of snob. (I know) But it turns out that her house was just in a module home park and I would not need to be afraid of the house rolling off in the middle of the night. So we said our good byes and I began to prep for bed as Johnno caught up with his sister. She seemed tired so I just kept out of the way.

That and it had been a long day.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Saga of Seattle

Reality Sinks In

So because our flight had been so delayed, it was decided that Johnno and his dad would reschedule their plans to drive out to visit his grandfather. The long story short, Johnno’s grandfather was sick and was possibly going to die in the near future so he planned to ride off and visit with him while I would be left to hang out with his mother one on one. I wasn’t looking forward to it-like I said, she had barely spoken to me in the past—but I understand how important it was.

But because all of us didn’t end up in bed till about 3am, it was decided it would be better for us to spend out day running errands for the upcoming week. Johnno’s dad would be taking us grocery shopping on the local Navy base (I KNOW!) so we could get the food we needed for the diet as well as pick up booze for Johnno’s special punch for a party later in the week. So after some hemming and hawing we finally pulled ourselves together and headed out the door once his dad drove over.

Being on military base is weird, mostly because I had only been on Fort Devens back East, but also because I didn’t realize how much of the area was really just a Navy Town. But we managed to run through our errands easily however, I started to realize that Johnno’s Dad wasn’t really talking to me but around me. I let it go as we checked things off our list but in the car ride back to Siobhan’s it was starting to become uncomfortable as Johnno struggled to keep me involved in the conversation but his dad wasn’t taking the bait.

It probably wouldn’t have bother as much as did except once we got to Siobhan’s Johnno left me in the car with his father alone. He ran the food into the house so that we could keep going about the town but not before he had to tell his father to ‘tell Rory the story since he has never heard it’. During this exchanged I shot Johnno death stares from the backseat of the car because the only thing about being in an awkward conversation is TALKING about being in an awkward conversation. But Johnno’s Dad and I managed to forced conversation about the film ‘The Deer Hunter’ (Of all things!) while I prayed for some type of freak accident to stop the awkwardness. No such luck.

After forever, Johnno, Dad and I were on the road to kill some time. Turns out that Dad had an eye appointment so we were going to drop him off so Johnno could show me the town for a bit—which I was excited about. I spent the ride to the doctor’s just staring out at all the scenery because I am a sucker for mountains and clear air which the town had in spades while Johnno debated what to do with our free hour.

Dropping his dad off, Johnno took me through to downtown Poulsbo and explained the history of the places we passed. It was nice to hear about his childhood and the neighborhood he grew up in as we drove by where Siobhan got married and the various stores that he used to shop for used books and pastries. We eventually made our way down by the water and parked the car and sat there for a moment, holding hands and alone in the silence. I never knew that there was so much water in Washington but it was beautiful to stare out at all the boats and docks—reminded me of Nantucket.

Taking the moment’s pause, we finally headed off on foot through the main streets down by the water. I knew that Johnno had said it was a town founded by Norwegiens but I wasn’t really expecting everyone to be so blond, blue eyed and pale like he was—it was kind of trippy. And then we made our way through the dowtown which was like walking through a hallway of cuckoo clocks with all the Alpine decorated buildings, pretty but strange at the same time. I have to admit I fell in love with it.

After a lunch at a local British pub, during which Johnno left to get his father back from the doctor’s, we made our way back to his parent’s house. I got a slight tour of the house and ended up making out with the boy in his childhood bedroom which was pleasant if awkward since his parents were down the hall. But then it was time for us to head out and try to change for dinner with Johnno’s grandmother, aunt and cousin.

The dinner was nice if a bit much—his cousin was awesome and quite a bit like my brother which was nice and familiar, but I wasn’t seated next to his aunt who was a bit strange. I got the vibe that she was forcing herself to polite to me which made me uncomfortable but his cousin’s one year old son made the meal a bit more enjoyable. That and Siobhan and I kept exchange looks of “WTF” through the meal.

Dinner done and it was time for Siobhan, Johnno and I to head out and hit the town. She had made plans with some of her friends to meet up at a local townie bar and so we were off. It is weird, because everything is so tied to the naval base, to be in a bar full of service men. It’s not like there were uniforms or anything but you could tell who was in the armed forces and who wasn’t. Siobhan introduced us to her friends Jay and Allie and the five us proceeded to drink which led to both Johnno and I get quite a bit tipsy.

What can I say? The drinks are very cheap.

And that was the saving grace of the day—hanging out with Siobhan and really getting a chance to know her. She is like a weird hybrid of my mother (At that age-25) and my brother (Townie drinker and partier) but a lof of fun and could see myself being friends with her away from Johnno. And even with all the awkwardness of dealing with service men, Jay was very friendly and nice—something that comes from moving around a lot for work. It was nice to relax and not worry about who or what was going on.

I slept well that night.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Saga of Seattle

It Waits For No One—Even on Vacation

The third day of the trip was to be the first of several visits to Seattle proper—Johnno had plan two sets of lunch plans in the city and I was excited. I had been dying for some time alone with the boy and showing me his city seemed the perfect way to spend the day. His mother brought us down to the ferry—we were going cross Puget Sound to the city—and soon we were off and running.

Now I have been on plenty of ferries (Shut your mouth) but there was something really beautiful about going across the waters. Maybe it was seeing all the trees along the shore or the mountains off in the distance but the day was clear and so pretty. And it was surreal to see the Space Needle off in the distance. It felt like I was finally really in Washington.

After a half hour, we made our way off the boat and over to Pike’s Place for our first lunch. As we wandered around the various shops, restaurants and bakeries, I was a bit bummed to find out they no longer toss fish due to PETA but also realized that flying fish would probably freak me out. We eventually stumbled across the 1st Starbucks, where I had to have a coffee, but it wasn’t all that. But it is cool to have that charge on my bank statement.

Then it was time for lunch one. This lunch was to be with Johnno’s old co-workers from Washington Mutual so I expected to basically just sit back and watch more than anything. It was a weird lunch, mostly because it was a group of people who didn’t share much more than an office space, and didn’t seem to hang out much outside of the job. But Johnno got to catch up about all his old co-workers and where they ended up after Washington Mutual collapsed which was kind of funny. They were all nice and I had a good, if small, meal in a new place. This even though I was shaking at points because I was so cold.

After some polite conversation Johnno and I headed out into the city. We wondered through the nooks and crannies of the city in search of a Trader Joe’s. We were off to find some almond flour for dinner the next day which allowed Johnno to show off some sights. I was able to see there city’s amazing library, the building looks like it was built upside down, and one of Johnno’s old office buildings; though the city has it’s own flavor it has enough hills to challenge San Francisco and was glad when we got to flat land.

The Trader Joe’s was up past Capitol Hill, Seattle’s answer to Boys town, and Johnno was able to point out all the various bars, stores and places he lived as we made our way through the town. It is weird, I have never lived in a Boys town type environment and forget that Johnno’s life pre Los Angeles was a lot like ‘Queer As Folk’ with him living along the big gay drag of Seattle. He showed me where his old apartment building used to be, the clubs that he had told me he missed and even the drag nightclub he used to work at.

Eventually we found the Trader Joe’s and were making out way towards our next lunch restaurant when his phone rang. It was his mother, calling to let Johnno know that his grandfather had taken a turn for the worse and was in early kidney failure. I was at a loss as how to be helpful while Johnno and his mom debated what to do next. His father doesn’t have a cell phone so everything was on hold until he could be reached and both of us worried that we would have to cancel our lunch plans with his friends Brad and Erik.

This wouldn’t be a big deal—there was a chance that his grandfather could die soon—except for the simple fact that Brad had to be as equally important. The story of Brad was simple—Johnno’s friend has a brain tumor and at best has about 14 months to live. This was probably the last chance that Johnno would get to see his friend and it was important for that reason. And as we made our way to the lunch, all I could think was “Really God? You have to stack up all the deaths and gloom two days before Christmas?” And I felt useless and actually disappeared to vent on voicemail to both Edie and Kirby—because it felt bad to vent to Johnno.

Eventually Brad and Erik joined us at the restaurant and we had our second lunch on pins and needles. I felt the need to hang back and put social Rory in a corner—if only because this meal was about making time between Johnno and Brad and not about some boyfriend that Brad would probably only meet once. But we had a great time talking about the things Erik and Brad had been doing, looking at pictures of his brain surgery and listening to Brad’s plans for the future.

And for someone who is facing death, Brad was cheerful though he can barely read and has problems holding conversation. We talked about cruises and their mutual friends, joked about the holidays, and had pleasant conversation. It was a bit difficult at points, not because of Brad, but because we were still waiting to find out what would happen with Johnno’s grandfather. I was worried for myself because if Johnno was going to try and say good bye then I would have to go with him and his father since the hospital was on the other side of Seattle. It just felt like I would be in the way and while it was selfish, I knew I didn’t want to do that. I just didn’t want to be a problem to handle while they dealt with that.

Eventually Johnno’s mother called as we wrapped up lunch and we realized that we would need Erik and Brad to give us a ride back to the ferry to make it in time to do anything. This led to me and Brad riding together in the back of the car so Johnno could give directions. We had a nice conversation about various things he had been doing and I was stuck sad by just how sweet and funny Brad was. I can’t imagine what his life must feel like and I felt bad for his poor boyfriend Erik as well. Brad was Erik’s first boyfriend and he had come out of the closet to be with him—just so tragic.

We finally said good bye out side the ferry and Johnno and I had to run to make the boat back across the Sound. During this time, it came out that Johnno’s father had decided that Johnno did not need to go and see his grandfather so there was no rush to get back to town. I was struck by how weird this was—just because it had been such a goal of the time up in Seattle. I asked if Siobhan was going and found out that Johnno’s grandparents had costly cut off Johnno’s sister due to her getting married so young and that she was not part of any plan to visit with grandfather. It was the first time I realized how odd the family dynamic really was.

With no plan to visit his grandfather, Johnno and I could be clear to head off to his friend’s party that night. His friend Kate has an annual Christmas party with her family and this was to be the last year so Johnno was eager to go. I was excited to meet Kate finally and it helped that it was more time with his friends than his family. It would be less stressful.

In the car ride back to Siobhan’s, I drifted off in the backseat as Johnno and his mother talked out the grandfather situation and how the grandparents decided that it should only be their sons up at the hospital. I tried to fake sleep as Johnno’s mom talked about how she was used to being ignored by the family and even joked to me about how their family was crazy. I faked a snore in response that statement.

No way was I taking the bait.

After we arrived at Siobhan’s, the family talked about the situation while I went to take a nap. I was tired and drained from everything that had happened so far but was grateful when Johnno finally joined me in bed. It felt like no time before we had to jump up out of bed and get prepped for Kate’s party. I was unsure what to wear or what would happen since everyone seemed so relaxed in Seattle but figured I would just go all LA and let it happen.

Johnno borrowed Siobhan’s car and we headed off to the party. On the way there, Johnno pointed out where he had his first job, the neighborhood that he and Kate had grown up in and told me little bits of story about the family. I needed a smoke and a break before heading into the house—I was starting to get overwhelmed at what promised to be a large party.

Entering the house I realized that Kate’s party was exactly like Robin and Ali’s Christmas party—except I knew no one besides Johnno. I can barely handle the large groups of friends I know so this promised to be difficult in the beginning but once we nailed down drinks and food I started to get fine. Johnno had told me that his friends were mostly band geeks and kind of nerdy which turned out to be true—one was a biochemist, one was a former umpire, another was a teacher—they were all interesting. But what crackled me up most was as the party started to wind down, they put on the film ‘White Christmas’ in close captioning so they could sin along. It was surreal.

But it was a nice ending to the party—drinks and music, new friends and being shown off by the boyfriend. So we made our way home, tired but cuddly, and I got another tour of his neighborhood which included the high school. The only bummer?

I couldn’t convince him to make out in the parking lot.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Saga of Seattle

Twilight Oversells the Excitement of the Pacific Northwest

So it was decided that the next day Johnno would head off with his father to visit his grandfather in the hospital. Turns out that his kidneys weren’t failing but rather the doctor had changed grandfather’s meds without telling the nursing home—so when bodily fluids changed everyone panicked for no reason. What this meant for me was that I would be left alone at the house while Siobhan went to work and Johnno took off with his father.

What to do in backwoods Washington? Besides look for glitter boys and wolf abs?

No worries, I was left with a bunch of food I had to prepare for the family while they went about their day. I was a bit put out by this—mostly because I would be preparing either things I couldn’t eat or things I didn’t know how to make like chocolate fudge. Simple things like that.

So I spent the day counting the hours till Johnno would be home, watching A&E’s ‘The First 48’ (a show about real life murder investigations) because I couldn’t figure out how to change the television, and trying to figure out how to melt chocolate without melting it. And there was no coffee, the house was cold and I was in a pleasant mood. It didn’t help when Johnno texted me that he would not be back before the family dinner at 6—even though he left at 9am. I felt trapped.

So I peeled potatoes, burnt beef, made a salad by picking nuts out of a cocktail mix while resisting the urge to murder Siobhan’s loud and needy cat. But eventually Siobhan showed up and we had a nice talk about various things like her boys, Vegas, her family and where she hid the TV remote from the cat. I was still annoyed at not getting any time with the boyfriend but took a nap to try and get over it.

Eventually it was time to get up and dressed for the Christmas Eve/Johnno’s mother’s birthday dinner. I was still a bit cranky and it took a while for me to warm up to the family because I wasn’t thanked for any of my kitchen help. (Except from Johnno. And his mother much later on in the night after a drink of punch.) I was also very put off by the fact that Johnno’s dad was still not talking to me at all but yet when Siobhan’s friends Jay and Allie (From the bar two nights before) showed up—he was all about talking with Jay.

It also didn’t help things that the weird family dynamics continued to play out with Johnno’s Dad forgetting it was his wife’s birthday but instead kept wishing Siobhan a happy birthday. But it was amusing to see Johnno’s mom get a bit tipsy from one glass of punch and she loosed up enough to talk more than a few words. She was quite funny once she got started—even if Johnno’s Dad kept to himself in the living room while we all sat around the dining room table. I guess he was done dealing with us.

But at least this annoyed Johnno too so I wasn’t alone in that feeling. But once the parents left for the night, Jay Allie, Johnno, Siobhan and I got down to some drinks and shit talking which was a great time. It still surprises me how cool solider Jay was with both Johnno and I—which speaks more to my own misconceptions about the Navy than anything. But they did help relax me.

That and the fact that Johnno and I were heading back to Seattle the next morning to stay with his friends Jonathan and Pikachu until we would fly out. I don’t think I have ever been so eager to pack a suitcase in my life and was more than ready to get my Boystown on.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Saga of Seattle

Boys Make My Palms Sweat

So it was the final morning with Johnno—a Christmas gift of sorts—but we still had to wait and see if the infamous gift would make an appearance. I spent the morning repacking our suitcase-aka Big Red- before Johnno even had a chance to shower I was so eager to get on with the next leg of the journey.

Eventually Siobhan arrived with her oldest son, back from his father’s house, and all was left to do was wait for the parents to arrive. I spent my time preparing snacks for the gift exchange to come since I didn’t want any excuses for us to have to stay and linger. Johnno kept an eye on me as I bustled around the house and prepared everything to hit the ground running.

His mom and dad finally showed up with gifts in hand and we sat down for the gift exchange. I sat as far away from the family scene as much as possible and waited to see how things would play out. Turns out having a grandson to open tons of gifts means that the focus is strictly on him and Johnno and I were able to exchange our final gifts with little to no fanfare. I was also touched when Siobhan gave me a gift herself and felt guilty that I didn’t have one for her.

But instead, I decided to help her out by setting up her son’s new television and Play Station 3 while the family swapped gifts between the older kids. While I was trying to make the wires work, Johnno was handed to wrapped gifts and told they were calendars—one for him and one for ‘someone else’. The gift fiasco avoided, I spent my time watching video games in the boys’ bedroom while the family hung out in the living room.

It worked out well.

Then it was time for Johnno and I to be dropped off at the Seattle ferry to meet up with his friends in the city. I was a bit sad to say good bye to Siobhan—she was really amazing and reminded me so much of my mother and brother combined that I was a bit nostalgic for my own family. But after a quick hug—which surprised us both—Johnno and I were off with the parents. As I watched the woods fade away, I held Johnno’s hand and felt myself start to relax as his mother tried to convince me that I should love the Pacific Northwest. She was very subtle about her intentions there.

But eventually it was time for the final good bye and I managed to hug Johnno’s mom and shake his father’s hand instead of riding Big Red down the gangplank to the ferry. In the end, it could have been better and less confusing but we survived as a couple and it did make us stronger. Plus now—the first visit is out of the way.

I spent the ferry ride just feeling all the tension starting to drift away as Johnno made small talk. I could tell he was eager for me to meet the boys, Pikachu and Jonathan, which made me a bit nervous but in a different way. Because the truth is, I usually don’t make friends with other gay guys easily. I’m not sure what that is about but I knew I would be trying really hard since I knew how important they were to him.

Plus he has had to deal with my friends for 11 months now.

There was two other things that put me off about meeting the boys; one is that Johnno, Pikachu and Jonathan have a podcast they do once a week and I had been talked about on the show multiple times which was akin to being on a reality show and meeting the staff at the wrap party. They know all about you but you don’t have any idea who they are.

The other part was that Pikachu and Johnno had dated years ago. It wasn’t a grand love affair by all accounts but between meeting him and Brad—I had spent a notable amount of time with boys who had seen my boyfriend naked. And while I like to think I am not competitive—broomball and ex boyfriends bring it out in me. Which I think amuses Johnno but I also think that is because he won’t ever really meet any of mine. Exes, in my life, tend to be like fashion trends—you did them and groan a little when you see pictures of yourself with them.

That aside, I was more than ready to drink, hold hands, and kiss with Johnno away from his parents and their prying eyes. Pikachu met us at the ferry and we were off to Capital Hill—aka Boys Town. I sat in the backseat of the car as Johnno and Pikachu caught up during the drive through the city—I could feel myself nervous and tired but ready to just sit on a couch and just observe for a bit.

We arrived at the boys’ apartment—which was cute and very West Hollywood like—were Jonathan was busy cooking Christmas dinner for us. The place had a fun kitschy feel to it—with S&M reindeer, tasteful nude artwork and garish Santas sprinkled through out—and I was quickly had a drink made of Crown Royal and cider to wash away the cold. I was amused as I watched Jonathan and Pikachu bicker over dinner as Johnno which made himself home by breaking out the Wii.

The boys and I bowled while Jonathan made like a housewife with the food prep in between bouts of showing off his various china and flatware collections. I could see why Johnno had liked Pikachu but could also see how Jonathan and Pikachu made more sense as a couple. They were very amusing in their ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’ relationship.

Dinner ended up being delicious and served up on tv trays with the best china while we watched ‘French Cooking’ with Julia Child. It was kind of like being in Brini Maxwell show—goofy and witty with plenty of drinks and laughter to be had. After awhile, I began to cut back on the drinks, I just couldn’t keep up as the boys continued with shots and beer and wine. It was very much an adult gay boy’s night in.

But Johnno was eager to show me all his former bars and haunts so after dinner we put Pikachu to bed—he had to work the next day—while me and the two J’s ended out into Boys Town. I was a bit worried that I wasn’t dressed for a night out, I can be very LA without meaning too, and I don’t really hang out in Boys Town type place very often. But heading out with two eager and buzzed boys makes it easy to be relaxed and I couldn’t help but feeling like showing off a little bit as I held Johnno’s hand.

The first bar he took me too was kind of a bear bar but with out all the leather and sneers—the novelty of the place was the way they made their drinks. Johnno had warned me that the drinks were made for ‘big boys’ but I kind of laughed off the description. But I was wrong—the drinks were thick and strong and made me gald I had slowed down hours before.

(If you want to know how strong—grab the largest glass in your house, pour 80 percent vodka, a big handful of ice, then garnish with tonic. Seriously people—how was that legal?)

Afterwards we continued our way down the strip, stopping in all the various bars on the way. There was the average ‘just hang out with pop music and pool tables’ bar, the pretentious hipster bar which more LA than ANY bar I had been in, then the weird hybrid bar with bears and daddies and a pop dance floor. It was funny to hear Jonathan’s descriptions of every bar cause he hated them but Johnno would then defend them while I would just hang behind and hold his hand with one and my drink with another.

It was a good time and nice to be in the gay environment after all the family time.

Eventually we headed back up the hill with both J’s buzzed while I shivered in my non winter coat. But Pikachu had made up the bed for us and I gladly tumbled into the warm sheets. Even if I had to wait for Johnno to pull himself together post all the cocktails.

But that night I spent while in his arms and was happy that I made the trip. This is one of few moments.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Saga of Seattle

Ladies Night

So after a slow start—both Jonathan and Johnno were a bit hung over—it was decided that we should head out on to the second street of Boys Town for brunch. Johnno was eager to show me one of his favorite bistros in the city as well as by tickets for a show at the club he used to work at back in the day.

See, Johnno had been a part of a popular Seattle drag show and wanted to hit the show while in town. It helped that his friend Loretta was making her last performance with the club and he wanted to be there to say good bye to her character ‘Tammy Whynot’. Johnno pointed out all the places he used to go for drinks and dinner, porn and groceries, old gyms and apartment buildings. I felt like I was learning more about him but with Jonathan’s snarky commentary track. It was fun.

Eventually we ended up at the brunch spot and Johnno did not lie. It was exactly like Stevie Nick’s closet but with food served instead. I was a bit freaked out—there were tables in closets with curtains that close, candles close to velvet drapes, and funky mismatched lamps, chandeliers and various other light sources.

(Seriously, grab some scarves, go in your bathroom and throw them up in the air. Then bring in three small tables—one for the tub, on at the sink and one that can fit in the cupboard under the sink and you will have the same effect.)

But the food was amazing and probably the best meal I had in a long time. We spent our time lingering over drinks and conversation as we debated our plans for later. Pikachu would not be able to joins us for the drag show but we planned on heading back to the big boy bar from the night before for drinks with him and Loretta post show then an early bed time. It promised to be an early night.

I was wrong.

Jonathan decided that we need to hit a thrift store on the way back to disco nap. Is there anything gayer? But I had fun as we made our way through racks of polyester blends, Precious moments figurines and oversized cat art for the walls but Johnno decided we needed to counter balance this with a stop at the local leather shop. It was fun to play around in Boys town and is something I think I should do more of. Either in LA or San Francisco or maybe another trip to Seattle.

Then it was nap time. The boys slept off the remainders of their hangovers while repacked the suitcase again—I wanted to be ready to get out of town by 6am the next morning. But I managed to get some sleep before Jonathan woke us up for a dinner of pork chops and wine on grandmother china. I was worried about what to wear out again but figured being dressed up would be nice for the ‘ladies’ we were about to see.

Eventually we made our way out into the cold and made the trek down to the club for the show. I planned to make sure I drank enough to warm up—a decision made possible by shots post dinner proceeded by glasses of wine. I should know better.

Now the show was amazing. I will admit I have never seen a live drag act and demanded we sit in the back of the show so as to not be ‘sang’ to or dragged up on stage in any way shape or form. But the costumes were amazing between the Brittney, the Gwen Stefani and the Liza—I was very impressed by the whole theatrics of it and could see why Johnno really missed the drag scene. I just wish the MC had been better—I don’t care if she was on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ because it was obvious why she didn’t win! But seeing Loretta doing the show was hysterical as the only really ‘lady’ of the show and I was excited to meet such a larger than life performance.

After the show wrapped up, the boys and I waited for Loretta to be done with her part of the MC responsibilities so we could get a move on to the next bar. Jonathan called Pikachu and told him the game plan as I once again felt cold and in need of some booze to warm me up. It was decided we should head off ahead while Loretta got out of her stage clothes and grab a table and some drinks.

This would be my downfall.

I don’t remember much of what happened after my first vodka tonic—I know that Loretta showed up and we made jokes about everything from bad drag, to being the ‘big’ girl at the bar, and all the way to Carol Channing impressions before Pikachu showed up and bought us all another round of drinks. I know that I had a good time making jokes and laughing with Johnno’s friends—I felt like he must with the LA gang when it comes to seeing and getting to know the people who love your boyfriend. It fleshes out your view of who you’re dating and what’s important to them.

In this cause-it was drinking.

I do remember that I was somehow convinced to buy another round of drinks at closing because I figured it would help me get some deep sleep in the four hours between then and our flight back to LA. We were almost chased out of the bar except for Johnno charming the bartender while I slammed my drink so we could be ready to go. The last thing I remember at the bar was Loretta making new friends with a group of Latina drag queens and posing in their pictures—just because.

The fact that I even remember saying good to Loretta in the parking lot and then the long walk back home is a testament to my memory more than anything. The boys all talked amongst themselves as I tried to keep myself together enough to not freeze to death—the Russians had tricked me into thinking vodka would keep me warm. Damn them.

But soon enough we were back at the boys’ place and into the warmth. They all made conversations and said good byes while I spent my time getting ‘things under control’. But I did still manage to repack Big Red one more time before passing out alone in bed. I was done with Seattle and ready to be home. It was a great trip and I was glad that I survived it. I’m just surprised I got sick to my stomach with his friends and not his family.

I’m joking. I would do it again.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Gift of the Magi?

I'm terrified. Johnno is alseep in bed behind me; it has been a long night of Griffith Park Lights, packing for Seattle, and preparing for our Chirstmas tomorrow morning. I am tired and should be sleeping but can't.

See we are exchanging gifts tomorrow.

This scares the crap out of me. I don't like presents, not because I don't want anything but because it means so much. I am worried that what I am giving is not enough. I don't know if it is normal but I have a irrational fear of gifts. Always have, always will.

Because on some level I believe a gift says so much. Not about your feelings for the person (or them to you) but about how you see that person. Whether it is a cute piece of clothing or paperback novel, music that you think they will like or some off beat item you stumbled across--it on some level shows what you think of the person, what you think matters to them, what you believe they value.

And I am not sure that I am giving the right things to Johnno. Things that show how much I love him, how I need him in my life, or how much he has changed mine. I know that he loves me and I love him but I can't help but wonder if he'll see that in the things I managed to choke into boxes and wrapping paper. I hope that it is--on some level--enough.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Lines In The Sand

So Johnno's mother sent him an email asking what type of gift I would like for Christmas. He forwarded it on to me and I sent back a quick reply--but not before I struggled with my own urge to email her myself.

I want nothing.

This upcoming week to Seattle is going to be diffcult for me. I plan on being cold, I expect to be awkward and will be doing my best to try and keep myself polite, civil and fair. This trip not only plays into my uncomfortabilty of being around parents and families in general but also to my abilty to keep up a good poker face.

But the truth is I don't want to.

The problem is that Johnno's parents have been sending him mixed messages about the 'gay thing' and, by default, our relationship. Between being sent off to stay at his sister's house (Instead of the parents' home), the debacle of the air matress (His parents planned on only providing twin mattress for us to be sure we slept in different areas), and his parents' inabilty to tell Johnno themselves but rather using his sister to text or call about these developments--I have been trying to prepare myself for an unfriendly environment.

This isn't to say his parents will be rude--I met them back over the summer and they were kind and nice to my face--but I am really bothered by their stance on us as a couple. And it became worse when I found out his father told Johnno the following

"I am glad that you are happy but we cannot be happy for you in this..."

In other words, his parents have said that it is great that Johnno is happy but not great that he is happy because of his relationship with another man. It is not about me personally but about their inabilty to accept that Johnno is gay. Something they have know about for about ten years and have struggled with. And I know it is not my place to start anything or make a scene--I am doing this trip for Johnno, to see Seattle, to meet his sister and various friends, to go to the places he loves and be apart of something that is such a huge part of his past.

But I do have a line in the sand

I have decided that I will not be accepting any gift from his parents. The idea of them giving me a Chirstmas present when I know that they wish I did not exist in their son's life is just something I cannot bring myself to do. If Johnno and his parents want to dance around issues then it is their right but I cannot allow myself to be willingly dragged into the fray. To accept the gift is accepting a part in the farce--it is the ultimate WASP powerplay to try and cover about guilt or discomfort with material things. I grew up with that shite.

But the few people I have explained my stance to have said that I am not being fair. That I will be making things awkward, I will put pressure on both Johnno and his parents, that I will appear ungrateful. It's not like I plan to stand up, damn the gift to Hell, and then toss it directly into the nearest fireplace--I plan on discretely rejecting the gift, or more likely, giving it to Johnno to open and take for his own. I don't think I am being unfair--Johnno knows and understand how I feel about this subject.

I just feel like I have struggled enough with polite "acceptance" in my life--the fact is Johnno's parents' don't respect or accept their son being gay which means that they don't respect of accept me either. And while they are entitled to their beliefs, I am also equally entitled to mine. I don't want shite from people who don't respect, care or understand me. I think that is fair.

And as it is, I will be biting my tongue for most of the trip. It is very hard to see Johnno be hurt by his parents' careless and ceaseless disapproval. He is an amzing guy--sweet and funny, laid back and outgoing, someone who most people like and love. To see him so casually hurt by his family is hard enough for me to swallow and to ask me to swallow fake generiousity is just too much to ask.

I like presents but not at that pricetag.
OCD aka Outside Cigarette Distraction

So this weekend was Ali and Robin's 10th annual Holiday party. It is part of the (for me) Holy Trinity of Los Angeles parties between Detriot Street Hollywood and Super House Super Bowl and is on my must list of places to go. Between the copious amount of food, the traveling bottle of tequila, pantless madness and everyone in one place at one time--it is not to be missed.

And yet every year I struggle a bit at this party. It feels like everyone I know in Los Angeles is in one room and there isn't enough of me to go around so instead of making the best of it--I tend to float around like some drunken butterfly. There's Ali's friend from the law office, there's the couples with children who I rarely see, there's the people who work long hours and i haven't seen in months, there's the new boyfriends and girls. It's a lot to take in so instaed I end up with conversation at the bar, a quick picture in the hallway by the bathroom, a stolen moment on the couch then I get up and start all over--ending up usually hidden in a corner by myself before I push my way outside.

See, I like to imagine that I am a social person, someone who can balance a cocktail and conversation, but at the end of the day I tend to find myself needing time away from the action in order to process all the stimulation. I honestly believe this is why I smoke like I do, so that I can discretely make an exit from the pressures of trying to balance a million relationships at once. To take in the air and the silence of myself and allow for an moment of respite.

I don't know if this bothers people.

Of course, the best thing about this year was having Johnno with me. There is something relazing about being part of a couple that allows for him to pick up some of my social slacking--Rory and Johnno are a unit of sorts and so as long as you get one it feels like you got both. He makes plans for us or tells stories about the things we do to the people we know and it feels as if he is catching up the room about us.

That said--I wish I knew a better way to handle myself and the stress. It's not fun to feel like I am doing people wrong or not being a good guest. But it is what it is I guess.

Le sigh

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Welcome to Hollywood-What's Your Dream?

So Rosemary's trip has come to an end. We did a lot of stuff with her; lunch down by the beach and a stroll on Santa Monica Pier then dinner in Burbank while we ran party errands, then the girls and I took her to the Standard on Sunset and dancing in West Hollywood, Kelly and Valeska took her to a film premier of one of our friend's films and we all partied at Ali and Robin's on Saturday, Sunday Edie, Johnno and I took her down to Hollywood and Highland to find t-shirts for her foster daughter before driving her around Beverly Hills and even found her a celeb sighting at dinner. We finished off the trip with one last big hang out with Dominic, Johnny, Kelly, Valeska, Ali, Robin, Edie, Johnno and I at Kelly and Johnny's new house.

It was very packed and a good time.

The hardest part of trips like this is how it can sometimes make Los Angeles seem like one non-stop adventure. It looks likes bars and cute outfits, small talks in kitchens and walkable friends, late nights with all your friends and small brunches over which we rehash all the gossip. It's a million people with a million new places that can look like an everday occurance. It's not.

But when someone comes from far away, like Rosemary, who doesn't have the same support system or advanatges it can be very depressing. We're, for all of our drama and silliness, very lucky to have the friendships and closeness we experience here in Los Angeles. It can sometimes being overwhelming to all of us; it can feel like you're alway on the go and that it's nonstop.

And it is true.

I just feel bad because I feel so blessed to have the life I do. I feel guilty when someone, anyone, comes from out of town and sees how much we have. It is so easy to take for granted the nights of coffee, daytrips to the mall, that there is always someone close to call out to when you need it or be there in a jiffy. But it is also easy to glaze over the negative of the lifestyle we have. That we can be too close sometimes for our own good, that being ina group this huge forces people to not speak their minds sometimes and can feel like work when it comes to the social world.

But at the end of the day, it is so much more than what some people have. I hope that this visit pushed Rosmeary not to move to Los Angeles but to realize that she not only has good friends here but that she can make changes to get a more rounded life for herself. It was very hard to see how moved she was by what we have and to see her feel like she had so little. I wanted her to realzie that not only is what the group has unique but also that comes with its own pitfalls and price.

And while I would love if she could move out here and become a part of the Los Angeles group--she still has a place in it regardless. I want her to see that she can also make the steps to create her own verison of what we have here for herself. I know that she can be the girl is sings out loud with stereo to Lady Gaga, can find cute tops at Forever 21 if she wants, that people do like her and she can form new friendships like she did with Johnno and Valeska and that she has the abilty to be and do anything regardless of where she is.

If she did decide to move here, I hope she also saw how the social structure works. That while we have nights out and parties, it is also about the small moments that make up our lives. It is as much about grocery stores as it is drinks and traffic as much as it is shopping sprees. That we aren't perfect because we're all here together--it is still just as much work as anywhere else

But most of all? I guess what I am saying is that I hope that Rosemary had fun.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Life Has Been Busy

Sorry I haven't updated much in the last few days. That being said, I will catch up shortly with blogs about Ali and Robin's holiday party, JJ's holiday dinner, Rosemary's visit as well as the coutdown to Seattle. I just need to make a night to sit down.

It's all coming soon though. Promise

Friday, December 11, 2009

Quote of the Day

From Johnny

"Please don't kill "her"... I just bought her roses."

Thanks for making me smile--I really needed that.
Something Interesting

When Same-Sex Marriage Was a Christian Rite
By ThosPayne

A Kiev art museum contains a curious icon from St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai in Israel. It shows two robed Christian saints. Between them is a traditional Roman ‘pronubus’ (a best man), overseeing a wedding. The pronubus is Christ. The married couple are both men.

Is the icon suggesting that a gay "wedding" is being sanctified by Christ himself? The idea seems shocking. But the full answer comes from other early Christian sources about the two men featured in the icon, St. Sergius and St. Bacchus, two Roman soldiers who were Christian martyrs. These two officers in the Roman army incurred the anger of Emperor Maximian when they were exposed as ‘secret Christians’ by refusing to enter a pagan temple. Both were sent to Syria circa 303 CE where Bacchus is thought to have died while being flogged. Sergius survived torture but was later beheaded. Legend says that Bacchus appeared to the dying Sergius as an angel, telling him to be brave because they would soon be reunited in heaven.

While the pairing of saints, particularly in the early Christian church, was not unusual, the association of these two men was regarded as particularly intimate. Severus, the Patriarch of Antioch (AD 512 - 518) explained that, "we should not separate in speech they [Sergius and Bacchus] who were joined in life". This is not a case of simple "adelphopoiia." In the definitive 10th century account of their lives, St. Sergius is openly celebrated as the "sweet companion and lover" of St. Bacchus. Sergius and Bacchus's close relationship has led many modern scholars to believe they were lovers. But the most compelling evidence for this view is that the oldest text of their martyrology, written in New Testament Greek describes them as "erastai,” or "lovers". In other words, they were a male homosexual couple. Their orientation and relationship was not only acknowledged, but it was fully accepted and celebrated by the early Christian church, which was far more tolerant than it is today.

Contrary to myth, Christianity's concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has constantly evolved as a concept and ritual.

Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the "Office of Same-Sex Union" (10th and 11th century), and the "Order for Uniting Two Men" (11th and 12th century).

These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiatied in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE) and his companion John.

Such same gender Christian sanctified unions also took place in Ireland in the late 12thand/ early 13th century, as the chronicler Gerald of Wales (‘Geraldus Cambrensis’) recorded.

Same-sex unions in pre-modern Europe list in great detail some same gender ceremonies found in ancient church liturgical documents. One Greek 13th century rite, "Order for Solemn Same-Sex Union", invoked St. Serge and St. Bacchus, and called on God to "vouchsafe unto these, Thy servants [N and N], the grace to love one another and to abide without hate and not be the cause of scandal all the days of their lives, with the help of the Holy Mother of God, and all Thy saints". The ceremony concludes: "And they shall kiss the Holy Gospel and each other, and it shall be concluded".

Another 14th century Serbian Slavonic "Office of the Same Sex Union", uniting two men or two women, had the couple lay their right hands on the Gospel while having a crucifix placed in their left hands. After kissing the Gospel, the couple were then required to kiss each other, after which the priest, having raised up the Eucharist, would give them both communion.

Records of Christian same sex unions have been discovered in such diverse archives as those in the Vatican, in St. Petersburg, in Paris, in Istanbul and in the Sinai, covering a thousand-years from the 8th to the 18th century.

The Dominican missionary and Prior, Jacques Goar (1601-1653), includes such ceremonies in a printed collection of Greek Orthodox prayer books, “Euchologion Sive Rituale Graecorum Complectens Ritus Et Ordines Divinae Liturgiae” (Paris, 1667).

While homosexuality was technically illegal from late Roman times, homophobic writings didn’t appear in Western Europe until the late 14th century. Even then, church-consecrated same sex unions continued to take place.

At St. John Lateran in Rome (traditionally the Pope's parish church) in 1578, as many as thirteen same-gender couples were joined during a high Mass and with the cooperation of the Vatican clergy, "taking communion together, using the same nuptial Scripture, after which they slept and ate together" according to a contemporary report. Another woman to woman union is recorded in Dalmatia in the 18th century.

Prof. Boswell's academic study is so well researched and documented that it poses fundamental questions for both modern church leaders and heterosexual Christians about their own modern attitudes towards homosexuality.

For the Church to ignore the evidence in its own archives would be cowardly and deceptive. The evidence convincingly shows that what the modern church claims has always been its unchanging attitude towards homosexuality is, in fact, nothing of the sort.

It proves that for the last two millennia, in parish churches and cathedrals throughout Christendom, from Ireland to Istanbul and even in the heart of Rome itself, homosexual relationships were accepted as valid expressions of a God-given love and committment to another person, a love that could be celebrated, honored and blessed, through the Eucharist in the name of, and in the presence of, Jesus Christ.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

So It Begins

Tonight my friend Rosemary arrives in town, tomorrow is when Edie arrives. it is going to be a nonstop whirl of cookies, partys, bars, Jewish dinner and late night dancing. Things will be crazy, there will be pictures and outfits, gifts and hugs, money spent and money gained.

This is my favorite time of the year when we all put a little more effort into our friendships. I don't think it is about gifts or scoring invites but rather we all know that we are making memories for when we are older. We'll remember roaming bottles of tequila, first Christmas kisses under mistletoe, the random cards from friends and those weird moments when you get sentimental over food prep and late night couch sessions.

It is the perfect distraction from things to come.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Scenes from a Relationship

The boyfriend wants us to go and buy a Christmas decoration to celebrate our frist holiday together. It is so weird when things like this happen to me because on one hand they are as romantic as well but on the other they can feel abit much. Not silly or over the top but just kind of like 'whoa'.

I personally want to buy two ornaments--one for us to keep for ourself and his wall tree but another to give to his parents to make things more awkward. I know I shouldn't want to play into this type of game but his parents are driving me nuts with their mixed messages. Not to me--but to their son.

And what is so weird about this and makes me so on edge is that Johnno is a great son. He calls his family at least once a week, he is polite and thanks them for things, he always wants to go and visit to make time for them. And yet...suddenly both his parents have made rumbings about how they "are happy for him but can't be apart of 'this' part of his life" What?

I have always been honest about my parents and the faults in our relationship but they have never attempted to play that card with me. I can be spoiled, I can be aloof, I can be demanding and unforgiving at points but I have never been treated in such a way. It makes me angry at his parents because I see how they are hurting someone is such a sweet, laid back and respectful person. He's the type of son my parents would love and the type of guy most people would want in their life. And I struggle with this situation because I don't believe you can love someone and not rspect them, you can't pick and choose what you value in a person and make that their only value.

You love people despite their flaws, you value people because of the efforts they make to be better people and you can only have real relationship in which respect is the basis of the dialouge. Anything else is a fools' game.

Yet I know I have to hold my tongue. The truth is, if things stay the way they have been going, I will outlast his parents in Johnno's life. I will be there for him and make him happy and at the end of the day that makes us both winners. And buying an ornament together is just another symbol of who we are and want to be for each other.

But I still plan on giving one of those "Your name here" ornaments you can buy at the mall. Just because it will keep me for saying anything-pictures being worth a thousand words.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Why You Got to Make Things Complicated?

I hate those moments when you are planning to hang out with people for something, like a dinner, and it occurs to you to make plans to hang out the next day. Something like this--you and Jane are having dinner with Scott, Chris, Mandy, Erika and you and Jane decide that you should totally go ice skating the next day with everyone but you don't have time to send an invite or email to everyone else though you plan to suggest it at your dinner.

But then you get an email from Scott (for example) saying that he wants Chris, Mandy, Erika, Jane and you to go skating later that weekend. Now the truth is you are already planning on going skating that weekend but you can't say 'Oh hey, Jane and I were planning on going skating so you guys should come' because it looks like you and Jane were sneaking off to go skating yourself and are now only including them by default. That's not what really happened but that is how it will look to people you haven't already talked to.

It sets up an idea that there is a ranking order to friends and who gets to do what when that wasn't really the point. So then you either say nothing and go along with Scott's plan or you still do what you want and rsik him thinking he wasn't included.

I hate when tenitive plans become about who was and wasn' included in the planning. It makes things seem more like a popularity contest then they are. I'm not sure if this makes sense but I can't help but feel bad in these type of catch 22.

Of course I could be overthinking things.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Yes Please

Dallas Moves Along
Filed under: TV News

Will they do it?

Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman and Linda Gray have all been approached to reprise their roles on the remake of Dallas that is set to air on TNT, but there is no word yet on whether they will accept.

The story line hasn't been discussed at great length, but supposedly the initial idea was to have the series center on J.R. and Sue Ellen's son John Ross and Bobby and Pam's adopted son Christopher.

The network has decided to wait and see what newly hired screenwriter Cynthia Cidre comes up with for the show.

Do you want to see Bobby, J.R. and Sue Ellen return to your TV?

From perez hilton
All It Takes

All it takes is a couple days of off diet food choices--nothing major, not fully done, not on purpose--to leave you feeling like a big fattie. I know that the diet makes a difference and I have been doing well with getting back on a workout routine but between pub crawls, drinks without enough in the stomache and a late night and I just feel so wasteful and icky.

And I have a friend coming from out of town and a big party or two coming up which makes me even more hyper aware.

I know I can get back on track but I want results now.

But I know it doesn't work that way.
Moving Forward But Still A Bit Awkward

I love those moments in a new friendship--when you realize that you actually really like the company of someone and want to be more a part of their life. The type of person with whom you have an easy dynamic, instant connection and novel conversation--someone who just stumbles into your life and yet manages to fit in a such quick and easy manner. But there is always that little dance...

I think everyone at some point has had that person who 'wants to be your friend'. It's not obvious why but this person has taken a shine to you--a co-worker or friend's new relationship, a neighbor or even a good friend's outside friend--and all they want is to find a way to be buddies. It can get creepy when someone tries to force a relationship on you and can make you feel awkward and want to avoid that person. And most people feel slightly guilty about this, no one wants to be unliked but it can quickly turn from 'let's give it a shot' to 'please lose my email address, stay of my facebook page, don't text me at all'.

So when it comes to making a new friendship, I tend to be tenative because I don't want to risk coming off as one of those people. I try to take my cues from the other person; hug for hug, email for email, text for text. It is almost like a courting ritual in that it feels like there are so many steps.

And even with all of that--it is still nice to meet a new friend

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Damned if You Do

So I have gotten myself in a slightly sticky situtation as of late. In short, I opened my mouth about something when I didn't have the full story and half opened a can of worms. I now know the full monty and have to try and figure out how to fix things without making anything worse.

And I hate when I do this.

If there is one sin I am completely and regularly guilty of is overstepping my bounds. I try to be a mediator when it comes to my group of friends to prevent drama and miscomunication but sometimes that has the opposite effect. I hate when I do this--get involved to help but make the situation more murky than it needed to be.

LE sigh

Now I am off to send an email and clean up my mess before it becomes someelse's mess.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Deal Breaker

I hate hwne I do this. When I make a deal with someone that is a positive and good thing then turn around and break the deal with ease. It's not anything bad, as a matter of fact it is good, but I know that I have to hold myself back from here on out.

I spent this morning with Kelly shopping for Black Friday. We hit the mall in Northridge to try and score some gifts for the various people on our lists. This isn't a bad thing but I did something I promised I wouldn't.

A while back I made a promise to Johnno that neither of us would break a spending cap of seventy five dollars on each other. i did this because I hate that awkwardness that can come from either being too generous or not generous enough. I find gift giving hard and even more so with someone I am dating. There is always a temptation to go out and get everything I think their heart desires meanwhile I end up with very little. Which is fine.

I'm not greedy

But it makes things weird because the person who is spoiled ends up feeling guilty about not doing enough. This can throw off the balance of the gift exchange and can make one person feel badly--whether for flaunting their money or not having enough to give the other person. So I made the deal to avoid that.

I also broke the spending cap about 25 minutes into shopping with Kelly. I feel bad about it and while I know he will love everythng I have for him it is still not okay.

At least his birthday falls right after Christmas. I can split up the gifts then!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What I am thankful for...

I didn't get a chance to say what I was thankful for this year at dinner. Johnno and I had dinner at Johnno and Kelly's new house along with Dominic. Johnny's dad came up from the OC and joined us for the meal and I was a bit off when it came time to list off what I was thankful for.

I always have a fear when it comes to people's parents, one that makes me hold back and bite my tongue in more ways than normal. I worry that i will be the bad friend, the bad influence, the one that makes people's parents worry about their adult children. I smoke, I curse, I'm gay and I can be quite cutting without meaing too. So when it came time to say what I was really happy about in the past year I didn't say much. And I kind of regret it.... So i decided to bring my list here...

1) I am thankful Kelly and Johnno found the perfect house to rent. They needed the space not only for their belonging but because they are social and like to host things and I think Kelly really missed out on being able to do that.

2) I am grateful that Kirby is working so much. For son long I know she worried about what she was doing in Los Angeles and I think working, and being good at it, has helped her so much.

3) Even with the Tranny Tree, I am still very thankful that Lola is apart of the Dollhouse. She is fun and maddening and we have such a great vibe so much of the time that it makes me happy to be home and not go out. It's nice.

4) That I will have both Edie and Valeska in town together for the foreseeable future. As much as it is not ideal for them, I am greedy in that I like the idea of my girlfriends being home here in LA.

5) I am grateful that I have been able to show Sabine, through actions and deeds, how much I value her place in my life. Things have been crazy and we haven't always seen each other much but when we do we have real moments.

6) I am thankful for how much Ali and mine's friendship has grown in the past two years. We were always friends but i feel like we turned some corner and became close and more real with each other. I like it.

7) I am happy that Nolan has a girlfriend who makes him so happy. Sometimes I wish I saw him more but I know that he is out there and is in love with someone who is constantly amazed and amazing.

8) That my brother has finally started to make steps to fix his relationships within my family. He is growing up and learning how and where the past fit and making an effort to make things better than they have been. It's very surreal but very touching.

9) I am grateful that Dominic respects our friendship enough to be open and honest with me. I have always known he has more going on then he allows to be known but to realize that he values our dymanic so much makes me feel honored.

10) I am most thankful that I took a chance and followed through on trying to date and how it lead me to Johnno. I am in love with someone who is so wonderful and giving and charming and funny and a million other things I never thought I would have. He has made the past year so much more than it could have been.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Curse

So this past week I had kidney pains--nothing bone crunching or truly painful but, like a worked muscle, I was suddenly just really aware of them. And, in a moment of foolishness, I decided to take a look on-line and see what it could mean.

This is a bad idea wrapped in bad idea jeans with a lit cigarette and a bottle of Aqua Net. Just saying.

Needless to say, the next day I made my way to a clinic in Hollywood to try and get to the bottom of things. After you read words like 'failure' you tend to get on board with a doctor visit real quick. And going to a new doctor is terrible and makes me nervous and all I could think about was the Thanksgiving Curse.

Almost 6 years ago, I was horribly sick a few days before the holiday, so much so that I could barely walk. My friend Charity had to take me to the ER because I could not get up off my couch I was in such pain. I mean, I cried in public ALOT and this is not who I choose to be. The doctors were never fully sure what I had outside of an infect that caused swelling that pushed against my spinal cord. A few days with drugs, no sugar, no alcohol, no coffee and I was close to being upwardly mobile.

And I ended up fine.

But every year since then something seems to happen badly on Thanksgiving-if not to me then people I love. It is enough to make me dread the last few days leading up to the holdiay and makes me super sensativbe to anything that happens in the last few days of November.

So I was dreading the doctor visit and was afraid something terrible might happen. Instead, it turns out I was fine and the doctor was great and all I needed was to work on my water intake and just be aware if it continues for the next few days. The pain has gone away already and I feel like a million dollars. The curse is broken!

Except for the fact that I have to cook for the actual day. Here's hoping there is no black potatoes this year like 7 years ago. Because that would be a fitting way for fate to reassert the curse

Monday, November 23, 2009

Top Ten Things

I know lists are a cop out but it is what I am feeling.I have been thinking a lot about what I think is sexy, clever and cute when it comes to guys--I blame it on working on the novel and the teenage view of crushing

1) Flip flops with jeans and long sleeve shirts. There is something that screams casual and free wheeling when a guy pulls himself together but keeps the playful footwear.

2) Glasses. It is probably the pseudo intellect but I love a guy in glasses. I was heartbroken as a child that I could not wear them.

3) Shaggy hair. There is something charming and careless abot a guy with shaggy hair. He isn't trying too hard and yet it is still kind of styled and whimsical.

4) A bit of fat. A guy who works out too much freaks me out. Abs are great and arms can been hot but when a guy looks like he needs the gym everyday then I wonder when he would have time for me.

5) Guys with babies. There is something so manly and yet sensative about a guy with a baby in his arms. It also means, usually, that he can have a funcitional relationship long enough to get a child and has no comittment issues.

6) Reading on the subway. I like anyone who really loves to read and there is something really attractive about a guy who uses his time well and loves the written word. It is very East Coast college.

7) Guys who know how to dance. Anyone who can move and feel the music without feeling awkward or weird is someone I admire. I'm not the best at that myself so I find it a turn on.

8) Artists who work in public. There is something about a guy at a cafe table working on a sketch, at a park scribbling in a journal, painting with the door open in his apartment. Someone who has is drawn to art is someone who has something to share.

9) Ties for no reason. I like a guy who wears a tie for no reason because it says something about how polished he is for his own reasons. It is sexy to see that dashing look without being at an office or an wedding.

10) Guys who hold hands. Something about being comfortable in their relationship is put out to the world when they do that. Like they want the entire world to know they are in love.

I am curious about other people's lists. What works for you?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Sample

Lucy did this on her blog and I thought it wa a great idea. This is just a small sample of my novel--the set up is that it is a young adult novel where Timothy (The lead character) has decided to stop taking crap for being gay and has a showdown with one of the high school jocks.

Jasper pulled again on Timothy’s arm. “Let’s go,” the British boy pleaded and Timothy let him lead as he stepped away from the jock.
“Fucking faggot freak.” Morgan’s voice was low but echoed across the hall. Timothy stopped dead in his track and the silent continued as he slowly turned back to the football player.
“That’s your one,” Timothy said simply and clearly. “And by the way-this,” Timothy said as he turned and pulled Jasper in by his shirt, “is what a faggot does.” The Asian boy was startled as Timothy leaned in and kissed him fully on the mouth. Timothy felt the other boy’s lips part in surprise and he could taste Chap Stick and cigarettes as he let the lip lock linger. Jasper didn’t fight him but instead leaned more into Timothy as the moment continued.
Abruptly Timothy pushed Jasper back and away as he turned back to Morgan. “Just so we’re clear here. Yeah I’m gay. Yeah I kiss boys. But,” Timothy said as he pointed a finger in Morgan’s face, “you don’t have a fucking thing to say about it.”

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sometimes The World Remind You

Sometimes the world reminds you that yuou are not that important and you hang ups are just placeholders for when real things happen to you and you love. I am going to try and take time today to enjoy the people I love and make time to enjoy being with them more than anything else.I don't want to assume that I will have time to make people feel how important they are in my life.

I plan on trying to show it today
Just A Quote to Keep in Mind

This is from an old college friend--he's a laywer.

"It would be a lousy world if the only people who were concerned about mistreatment or discrimination were the victims." -Barney Frank(D), Congressman, Massachusetts, 4th District

This is more than true and I wonder how many people realize that?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Own Your Sh*t

I haven't been really doing this as of late. I let myself get sucked into all the bad habits; not working out, letting the novel slide, not making enough effort with the people and things that matter. Part of me was chalking it up to not feeling well and being nervous about that.

But the truth is that it is rather easy to make excuses for letting things slide. That if I want the things I say i do then I have to really focus on them. Successful people do things--not make lists and hem and haw over them.

I have to own that I haven't been the best at that as of late. But here's hoping i can restart the fire and getting cracking with it. It's what i need to do now that i can do that.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Song Feels Like Falling In Love

I know Lily Allen is not a must have for most people. But I love her music and this song in particular.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

This is True Advice and I Need to Remeber it

You should be anxious and stressed out; it's appropriate to be anxious and stressed out. Your nervousness is prompting you to take things slowly and to be careful and conscientious

This should make me think twice before I go off the deep end and freak out over stress. I mean, it can be a good thing at points and forces me to focus and work on my stuff which can be very important.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

At Least I Was First in the National Press

Here is an article that one of the roomies was quoted in. It is kind of silly and crazy but if you know us, it makes totally sense.


I mean, I really hate this trend but i know that not only will she show up in these some day but it will possibly be my wedding, my birthday or some other moment guarenteed to make me roll my eyes.

I kind of think that is why we love each other.

Monday, November 16, 2009

In-Family Versus the World.

I wasn't sure I was going to write about this. I'm still not sure if I should and that doubt kept from blogging the last few nights. But I decided this is MY blog and I can say what I want to. And I feel like I have something I need to say.

My friends and I play play games with words, with jokes, with witty. We cut each other up sometimes, we point out flaws and foilbles, we sometimes push when really we should hug. There are in jokes that sometimes rub the wrong way, things that can go too far, and we don't know when to leave well enough alone. I am most definately guilty of opening my mouth and crossing lines without meaning to. But I always say I am sorry when it gets that far. And I try to learn to learn from my mistakes.

What I don't do is make statements to third parties that attack my friends. I know the difference between a fight in-familiy and something that can be shared with outsiders. I am careful--even here to try and not hurt or out people's feelings or flaws in a public space. (Yes there is an arguement for the fact that people who know me know who I am talking about. But by default that makes them in family.)

I was just so taken aback that someone would make not only a comment that could possibly be hurtful but took such joy in spreading that comment to our friends who would KNOW that it was aimed at me. It puts a bad taste in my mouth, makes me wonder how someone I care about could be so flip about my feelings.

And the thing is, the person in question will not even care that they hurt my feelings. So it is not worth my energy or time to even try and point out what they did.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Quote of the day

From Johnno regarding the random homeless man who stepped out in front of his car today.

"He may be laughing but at least I have a bed to sleep in tonight."

Touche baby

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The End of Gypsies

So I have been feeling guilty. The boyfriend made an off hand comment a few weeks back about looking forward to getting his new bed. That wasn't the bad part, I am excited too, but the second part is what killed me. He said that he wouldn't have to be a gypsy anymore and lug over bags of stuff to stay at my place as much.

It made me feel bad.

Not because he meant it too; right now staying at my place allows for us to be able to sleep comfortably in a bed large enough for both of us. He only has a twin bed which can make for very restless sleep. I have, in a half daze, almost rolled off his bed face first into the floor a handful of times. I have had to try not to step on him climbing around the small bed. It takes effort.

But there is a part of me that worries that I have taken over his life. We hang with mostly my friends, we do the things that my group plans, we spend nights at my place, he has to drop me off at the end of the night. I hate feeling like the power in the relationship is mine--on some level--and that he feels a bit like I run the show. That's not what I want.

And I know that he didn't mean to upset me with the comment but I was. Not because it hurt me but because I know it is true. That he has to do so much of the 'heavy lifting' that I feel like I take advanatge of him by accident.

I feel like the tramp and the thief. Which, of course, makes him the gypsy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

This Is So True


Without exception--I would hook up with each of these novel leads. Though my order would be different and Jay Gatsby would have to be number one and Logan would have to be number two.

And I would sleep with Holden just to make him cry afterwards when I say the sex was really bad and that he needs to get over himself

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Everything is important

I had an epihany this past week in regards to my novel. I was struggling with making certain events big enough, worrying that the struggles and crosses my characters have to bear were not big enough. I was stopping and stalling because hings did not feel huge enough to be threats or challeneges to the people in more story. But then I remembered something important.

To teenagers EVERYTHING is important and world ENDING.

It's not their fault either. In high school, dances and friendships, popularity and gossip are important. Who says what, what they wore, how they saw it--these things are a matter of life and death. And even the ones who ignore it or don't by into the social mores are still fighting against those things--AGAINST EVERYTHING that shapes their world.

It takes the pressure off to know this.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sometimes You Have to Wonder

So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.

But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.

Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.

I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.

There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Quote of the Day

The Lord wanted me to go back to bed so he filled my coffee shop with Gap sweatshirts and tennis shoes.

From Lucy regarding coffee shops, computers and college students
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof or FB Update

I have spent the day restless. I am sure it is being unemployed for such a long time, being tired from my weekend, feeling the weather and a bit overly stimulated but under challenged. Whatever the reason, I spent my day on edge, bored and looking for something to distract me.

Watching Gossip Girl did not help.

The truth is I have been feeling rather comfortable as of late--something that dulls my edges, makes me less interesting, doesn't allow for stories and experiences to draw on creatively. What I want is to be trouble for a bit.

And that is not a typo--I want to be trouble. I want to make out with my boyfriend against fences, dance around the Ganja house, go to a party and dance all night, wear great outfits in dive bars and end up in loft parties with spoken word and naked art. I want to feel like I have been expanded and bent and mended into something new. I want to feel something more.

And I am not sure where this feeling came from but it is not going anywhere yet!

Monday, November 09, 2009

Knick Knacks Or This Dog Doesn't Need a Bone

Today I was getting coffe, stumbling around the aprtment when I knocked a magnet off my fridge. It wasn't my magnet-it was one of the dolls-and as I put it up I wondered what it meant. I don't have magnets, I don't collect shot glasses, I only put up pictures of friends and family recently. I guess I'm not a sentimentalist.

I have been dealing a lot with knick knacks, bric a brac, souveniers lately. I have been helping the boyfriend redesign his apartment; moving around furniture, putting up shelves and mirrors, organizing things to prepare for his new bed. I spent all day Sunday putting away books and films, pictures and papers but I had the hardest time figuring out what to do with his momentos. I spent last Monday helping Kelly and Johnny move from their apartment into their house, struggling with boxes of letters and cards and handfuls of leis from concerts and novelty items and not getting it. Because I don't have those type of things.

Part of me wonders if this is weird. That outside of letters from college and college friends, a handful of stuffed animals from various family members and carnival fairways and old journals--I don't really keep much other stuff. Part of me doesn't like the clutter of greeting cards with just signatures or empty plastic cups from casinos or ticket stubs from concerts. Maybe it is because I try and write down all the important things here and in my other journals--that the emotions and memories, songs lyrics and quotes from friends, are all in one place with context attached.

I document my life this way because it feels easier to keep contained and understood. Even when things change and grow, when the plot twists and turns, I can look back and with in minutes understand and remember everything so clearly. That by choosing words and sentences with though and detail I can reenforce all the moments and people in my life by putting it down in black and white. That I don't need to be reminded that I got lots of holiday cards or that people like to remember me on my birthday--that instead I can go back and read my story any time and know how I got where I am and who got there with me.

But still-there is a part of me that wonders if I am weird for this since everyone else seems to keep boxes and shelves of the past's most physical aspects. That maybe I am more aloof than I think because I don't feel the need to have tactile proof of my adventures and associations.

Or maybe it is just that I have an amazing memory?

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Quote of the Day

"If someone tells you they are an asshole, believe them. Don't think you can change them, that if you stick by them, they will get better."

My mom once told me this as a piece of dating advice. She said this shortly after I came out to her about being gay and ating boys. I like to think that this was her way of showing how accepting and proud she was of me.

That and she did not want me to make her mistakes.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Not Sure

There isn't really much to say about today. I spent my day focused on my novel, rewriting from the beginning to clear up new plot elements which is eaiser and yet more diffcult than I thought. I do believe I have made the right choice when it comes to most of my changes but there is still a nagging doubt about the project.

I don't know if I am doubting my prose, my structure or my abilty to create fully realized characters. there is also a huge chance I am just staring at my navel as a way to prevent progress. I don't know.

Instead I am going off to watch 'Vampire Diaries.' Judge if you must

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Curse of A Beautiful Bed

I spent today being superfical. I went and had my hair cut, I use my handheld micro derm machine on my skin, I colored my hair, I wore an eye mask and even did that thing with the trays and the teeth whiting. I cuddled up on my couch and watched bad tv while I did these things in the proper order for no real reason except I felt I needed to.

I like to think I am not a shallow person; that I have deep thoughts, that I care about people and ideas and things, that I make an effort to make my friends', my family and boyfriend's lives better which, in turn, makes mine better. I spend time labeling all my music, decorating my house and other people's space, I work out regularly and keep myself on a meal plan so that I can look the way I want in all the clothes I buy.

I like the way my cursive writing looks.

But somehow liking those things seems to be so skin deep, so on the surface that sometimes I wonder if I am a terrible person for wasting my time and energy there instead of elsewhere. Because most people would say that having these things as a focal point in my life shows that I m only concerned about myself and I can't help but think if that is right.

I worry and wonder.

I am not sure why I am driven to do this--where this all comes from--this need for perfection. Part of me chalks it up to control, that I try and manage and handle what I know I can so that I don't worry about all the things that I can't. That on some level I believe if things look good and are clean and in their place then it means that all the underlining stuff is also in it's place. That by having it in order then somehow that adds up to everything being in order.

Or maybe it just makes me happy. Maybe that is all it takes for me to be content is a made bed, a stylish outfit, ten less pounds and one easily found song in my itunes. And if that is all it takes then maybe I am more easily pleased with things.

I am not sure if that is good or bed but it makes me sleep easier in bed. Even if that means I will have to remake that bed the next day and start all over.

So-after a two week wait I finally contacted Piper about my job interview from two Tuesdays ago. I decided to take Edie and Johnno's advice and sent off an email asking for the status of the situation. Piper wrote me back a few hours later, promising me an email to work out the details about what was going to happen.

The weird thing is that in her email Piper said she called me last week. I have no voice mail from Piper, nor any indication that she even tried to call me. I grew worried about there being a problem with my phone but held off on doing anything since I didn't have time to check the situation.

I then spent the rest of the day helping Kelly and Johnny move into their new rental house--I checked my email periodicaly but there was nothing sent to me by Piper and I was getting even more frustrated. One minute she is calling me about my resume but the next she can't even call or email back when she says she will. This has been the pattern this entire job proccess--if I don't keep on her with constant attention then nothing happens.

In all of my time working freelance in television I have NEVER had this much of a song and dance in order to get a job. Most producers want to hire someone ASAP, they either let you know right away that you are hired or let you off the hook a day or two later. And I have worked on the staff of some in-demand, high pressure shows, high rated shows, one's that there are people lined up to take my place. This is not one of those shows.

As I was finishing up with the move, my phone rang but I had two boxes in my hand and couldn't do more than just glance at the number. I didn't know who the caller was but figured they would leave a message if they wanted to talk to me or else it was just a telemarketer. No harm no foul. And once the call ended, and no message was left, I forgot about it.

It wasn't until I was home that night and working at my desk when I flipped open my phone and glanced again at the number on the screen. The number looked vaguely familar and I tried to run through the options in my head. It was only as I moved around some papers on my desk that I realized it was Piper's number from my interview notes. And I was dumbfounded.

Because this meant that Piper had called me last week but never bothered to leave a message. I was so stunned because from the tone of her email she implied I should have KNOWN she had called. But she didn't leave a message?

NEVER in ALL my time working in television have I had to deal with a POST SUPERVISOR who does NOT leave messages! It is part of the JOB DESCRIPTION to make phones calls, to FOLLOW UP with possible hires and make START DATES. WTF?

So I called her today (AGAIN) and spoke to one of the girls in the office who SWORE she would have Piper call back tonight to talk. And, once again, Piper DID NOT CALL or EMAIL me anything at all.

So I am done with this. I have been pushing and pulling with this woman to get the job and the details nailed down. I made a choice that if she did not contact me tonight through email or phone then I would wash my hands of the situation. Because I do understand busy shows and hectic production schedules but even LIVE TELEVISION handles this stuff with more professionalism and timeliness.


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Hot Mess

Everyone that I know at some point has been a hot mess. Maybe they were dumped and took up competitive eating, per chance they were tired of dating and took up a hobby of one night stands, sometimes they send a little too much time at the bar or with the bottle; life happens.

And there is nothing wrong with this, this need to act out, spiral off and lose control, try to drop out of life for a while but there is a point when enough is enough. It's when you burst a blood vessel from too much drink or when you can't remember all of the people you've spent with in a month or maybe it is after you gain that first ten pounds and have to see your ex at a holiday party but there is always a point when it is time to stop and get yourself together.

But some people don't know how to do this. They get thrown out of parties or end up at the free clinic, maybe they wake up in the ER after having they stomach pumped or when they can't fit into their 'fat jeans' and everyone else in their life knows that something has to to change. But they don't know how to speak up or want to be the person to have that 'talk'.

It makes one question the bond of friendship when this happens. Part of being in someone's life in a meaningful way means have to risk the relationship to talk about real things. To ask what is really going on, to point when things have gone too far, to stop allowing excuses and justifications to override common sense.

And if you are not capable of having this type of conversation then maybe it is time to question the reality of the friendship. If you don't care enough to help someone when they are hurting then maybe you don't care enough. Being a friend is not all cocktails and secrets, photographs and parties. Sometimes it is about being the one person who can chance rejection to make a difference.

Hopefully you and I have people in our lives who can do that.