Friday, September 30, 2005

I’m A Junkie—I’ll Admit

I’m in love with ‘Veronica Mars’. I just finally watched this season’s opener for the 3rd time and I think I love it as much as I loved ‘Buffy’—or at least ‘Angel’. I just think how cool it is that each season is a stand alone story like Buffy yet with the emotional core of its characters to keep us caring but not too heavy handed to be too soapy. It is just so witty and smart and coy. Just like my beloved Wedon shows.

And with this season’s new storyline focused on social status and wrong versus right side of the tracks—I am just loving it. What a shocking twist at the end but the romantic twists were even more shocking. This show is making me in to a fan boy all over again. I just love ‘Veronica Mars’.

(At this point I would like to point out that I do have a life and everything outside of television and spent most of this past year doing cool things like going to baseball games, shopping, partying at friends’ houses and going to bars. I do have a life and this show is not making me into a total geek. Yet.)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Book Whore

“Life Is Funny” by E. R. Frank

“Life Is Funny” is one of the those books that once you’ve read it you just have to turn around and read it again because you realize how tightly it is all twisted together and how much you have might of missed the first go through. This young adult novel is set in Brooklyn, New York and covers the stories a slew of different children—the rich and mostly poor, the educated and streetwise, the white, black, and Hispanic children of the public school system and how life is funny—in how it ties together, in all the places it can take you and in everything that is common to the human experience.

E.R. Frank manages to patchwork together a tale of gritty reality and wild escapism with relative ease—from pretty models to victims of the social service system—without ever making you question the hows and whys of these characters knowing each other. It has a “Tales of the City” quality to it in how it makes you believe life is special and hard and ever so worth it and that every corner of Brooklyn has a story that is not only important but special and worth savoring.

What is most amazing of all is how “Life Is Funny” makes it’s characters so real and fun—especially for a young adult book—and how invested you get in who they are and who they are making up to be. I don’t think there has been another couple that has captured me as much as Gingerbread and Keisha in recent history—I found myself caring and rooting for these two teens more than I do in most ‘adult’ novels. There is a sense of universal humanity in these kids, something that we all have and which allows you to believe, know and want the best for each of them well after the end of the novel.

It’s a rare moment in current literature for a story to want to work on so many levels—economic, racial, educational and even sexual—much less for an American young adult novel but it is even rarer that “Life Is Funny” does just that. And if that’s not a reason to pick up a book then I don’t know what is.
It's Funny Cause I Do Have A Crush on Him--I Mean I Did

Gay Bear
Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Taking A Chance On Chance.

I called the boy. I have to admit that it was Charity who truly convinced me that I had to at least try for Chance—to make the effort. We had gone to dinner and were in the process of working ourselves through some lemon drops when I—in a bit of carb free tipsiness—asked if she was happy.

See Charity is my oldest of Los Angeles friends—even older than my parents—and the first person that made me feel like I belonged in this city. She is single and wonderful and funny and quite a bit like Mrs. Madrigal in her own way. She is probably the person I would most want to grow up to be like—no questions or mistakes—she just is, was, and will continue to be the same as always. A very genuine person.

The funniest thing about my question is how nonplussed she was by it—just a simple yes. As she prodded me on the whys of my questions—I let it spill out what happened with Chance after the wrap party, how confused I was and scared and at the place where IO had to something but I didn’t know what and since I didn’t that maybe I shouldn’t call him and that I should just let it while but that I do really like him in a way I have never liked a boy before so if I couldn’t pull it together for him then maybe I should just give it up.

After telling me to pull my head out of my ass and stop with all the navel gazing—which she blames on ‘My So-Called Life’, ‘Felicity’, and ‘Dawson’s Creek’—Charity asked what I was Chance would do if I called? I didn’t have an answer because I knew that nothing bad would happen which Charity pointed out was an answer within it’s self. She then forced another drink in me and dropped me home after extracting a promise from me to call the boy.

In my tipsy state I did call, got his voicemail, and my courage. The happy sounds of his ridiculous outgoing message complete with monkey sounds (I know how that sounds) and I just found my voice. I left a very direct straight-forward message about how I was doing what he asked and now he had to call me if he was serious about all this and that if it is just a thing that is fine but that he had to at least tell me. (This message was stated much simpler and silly than this brief recap.) And then I hung up and just sat on my stairs and stared at the phone. It’s hard to be the one putting himself on the line. I hate it.

But the boy did call. And he was so happy and so funny and so eager in his message. I’m not sure what this means yet. But at least I took a chance and now have a chance to find out.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

This Is My Horoscope?

"You're the fireplace. Pass out the marshmallows!"

Is this dirty or is it just me?

Monday, September 26, 2005

Kissing Is For Fools?

So I haven’t really talked about what happened after the wrap party last week with Chance. I guess I am just not sure what to say or do with the night’s events and am worried that not only is this a rehashing of last year for myself but for everyone who reads this blog—and I don’t know if there has been any true forward movement.

The thing is that I did what I wanted to do last year at this time—and did later at the Halloween party—which was to basically ask Chance flat out if he liked me. I mean—when the straight boys at work like Stone and Denny are noticing then it is time to just get it all out in the open and own up to what I have been feeling al summer. A lingering chemistry between us that just sits there, a kind of longing mixed with liking that needed to be addressed—and Chance admitted that it was still there.

And I found out lot more—like how he does still like me and that he was confused last year by me and felt that I was just playing hot and cold with him. That he wasn’t sure if I was really into him and what I wanted from the situation because one minute I was trying to call and send e-mails and the next he is just on random mass mailing lists with no personal contact at all.

That his concerns where less than the things brought up by Anita last year or about him being in San Dimas and me in Studio City but more about how his life is just built different than mine. He was honest that his band is a huge part of his life and that his weekends belong to the band and the traveling and the music and the show because that is what he loves to do which I totally get but means that most of times when I tried to include him in stuff or invite him to parties he couldn’t do them and wouldn’t ever really be able to.

I also learned how scared he is to trust in me and that he doesn’t get why I would like him at all and that he thinks I am seven shades of dumb for thinking that he is just all bright and shiny while he is running around thinking I am fabulous which I don’t get at all and which I tried to explain that makes us even but he just seemed so thrown by the whole “I really like you and want to try and date you” thing. Which I get and understand.

I know that if this is to go anywhere that we both really have to try and that he needs to believe that I do like him and I do want to see where this goes but I am scared of coming off as being “too into him” and scaring him away with my aggressive approach or that I will get in too deep and allow myself to like him as much as I already kind of do and then I will be really hurt when he is not interested.

The thing is that I know that either way I have to call him today—either to try and make more of an effort or to just let this all go and move on. I don’t know which is better and which will be harder and which will hurt more. It just feels like a deadline that I don’t know how to deal with.

I just wish we hadn’t spent a good part of those three hours outside my building making out and holding hands because it just makes everything seem more important and thus scarier.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

A Month and 7 Days.

It’s been a month and 7 days since my last cigarette—since my big ass birthday and the fiasco that happened afterwards—the hospital trip and the no phone call from the parents and just feeling awful and a bit deserted.

The one upside of the whole event though was that it forced me to quit smoking—not by any tough love but I just woke up and was done. I mean, I have tried quitting in the past and have even wrote about here on my blog multiple times but never before have I just woke up finished with it. I can’t stand the smell, I don’t feel it’s attractive and I am just completely beyond that place or want in my life.

My mom once told me that when she saw me light up a cigarette, each time she had a brief flash of wanting one—that the gesture seemed familiar and a memory of good things. I kind of have that weird flash to—of how much fun it was—but I don’t find myself fighting the craving. I don’t need the patch or gum to get me through it like before—I don’t notice every cigarette butt on the street or think about asking to bum one because “if I don’t buy a pack then I’m not a real smoker”.

The reason I haven’t written about this before now was in the past when I tried to quit and failed—it was hard to have people judge me on that behavior—and know that somehow everyone knew that I was a failure again at breaking the habit. But I don’t have this fear of failing again.

It’s kind of a cool feeling.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Quote of the Week

That doesn't constitute fraud. It's definately the gay thing. Renee woke up one day and said, "Oh my god, I married a gay man." then called her agent.

Regarding Renee Z/Kenny C split.
If You Want To Know...

What do you do with a mohawked monkey?

A lot of things and they are all fabulous! Really really fabulous.

(Look below for an idea)

Monday, September 19, 2005

How I Get It Down

You're a Sloppy Kiss!! You're laid back, and love
to have fun!! WOO!!

What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
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Sunday, September 18, 2005

List Are For When You Are Bored.

10 Favorites...
Favorite Color~ Orange
Favorite Food~ Salad--Caesar or wedge
Favorite Band~ Velvet Underground or Abba
Favorite Movie~Beautiful Thing.
Favorite Sport~ Hockey-hockey-hockey
Favorite Season ~ Fall
Favorite Day Of the Week~ Thursday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor~ Vanilla.
Favorite Time of Day~ Just after one am.

9 Currents...
Current Mood~ Bored
Current Taste~ Bitter from black coffee.
Current Clothes~ brown polo & plaid shirt with baseball cap and watch.
Current Desktop Picture~ Kaysar from BB.
Current Toenail Color~ Clear
Current Time~ 6:25
Current Surroundings~ MCR at Big Brother
Current Annoyance(s)~ The house guests of BB.
Current Thought~ Why can't I kiss boys at work?

8 Firsts...
First Best Friend~ Hope Taylor
First Kiss~ Robin Campbell
First Screen Name~ Glamkatte
First Pet~ Eightball--my cat.
First Piercing~ Ear--then nose
First Crush~ Axel Rosen--red head.
First Music~ Blonde--my mom loved them.
First Car~ VW Bug.

7 Lasts.....
Last Cigarette~ A month ago--yeah!!!
Last Drink~ Wine--red and at benefit.
Last Car Ride~ home from benefit.
Last Kiss ~ Last week or so--.
Last Movie Seen~ Red Eye--good fun.
Last Phone call~ My roommate.
Last CD Played~ Jackson 5--Greatest hits.

6 Have You Ever....
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends~ Never.
Have You Ever Broken the Law~ In every way possible but murder.
Have You Ever Been Arrested~ Not yet
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped~ Of course
Have You Ever Been on TV~ Yes--chewed out by Judy Tunona on talk show.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know~ Yeah--plenty of times--kind of a tease.

5 Things....
Things You're Wearing~ Watches, earphones, nose ring, puka shell necklace.
Things You Did Last Night~ Worked the night shift at BB. .
Things You Can Hear Right Now~ My house guest Ivette and Maggie as well as Lucky whistling.
Things You Can't Live Without~ Water, sleep, clothes execrise, my computer, music.
Things You Do When Your bored~ Internet and shop.

4 Cool Places You've Been to : San Francisco, Nantucket, Rockport, Boston

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: Charity, Edie and Kirby

2 Choices...
1. Black or White~ White is fun--but black is cool
2. Hot or Cold~ cold always

1 Wish.....
That everyone gets what they deserve--as bitchy as that sounds.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Life is Boring

So we lost Janelle--if you watch 'Big Bro' where I am working then you know what this means--it means that it is boring at work. Truly boring as I sit and watch Maggie and Ivette play cards and talk about how much God wants them to win the grand prize and they are such great people who love and and give and I just want to DIE!!!!! (Or kill them--depends on time of day.)

But at least I only have another 4 days of this crap and then I am unemployed with all the joys and concerns that it brings. Whether Mrs Garrett (Better known as Spinster Roommate) will annoy me--what will Edie want to do for fun and if I can get unemployment checks...

Oh and search for a new job...

As If You Need This

Birthday:August 19th
Birthplace:Somewhere in Mass
Current Location:Studio City Ca
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color:blond
Right Handed or Left Handed:righty
Your Heritage:English, English, English
The Shoes You Wore Today:Brown skater sneakers
Your Weakness:Being bored
Your Fears:Being poor.
Your Perfect Pizza:Jalepenos with meat--any kind.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:finish my teen novel
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:Tis me
Thoughts First Waking Up:Have to put on pants
Your Best Physical Feature:Hmm--eyes or calves
Your Bedtime:Late-late-late
Your Most Missed Memory:I never remember
Pepsi or Coke:Diet Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:Burger King
Single or Group Dates:Single dates
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:Coffee
Do you Smoke:Used to.
Do you Swear:Like a sailor.
Do you Sing:Like a drunken sailor
Do you Shower Daily:At least once
Have you Been in Love:I don't think so
Do you want to go to College:Been there and done that
Do you want to get Married:Yeah
Do you belive in yourself:Yeah
Do you get Motion Sickness:Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:I think I can be.
Are you a Health Freak:Not really
Do you get along with your Parents:I guess
Do you like Thunderstorms:yes-yes-yes
Do you play an Instrument:No-
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:No--
In the past month have you been on Drugs:No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Hell no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Yeah--several times
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:Hate chocolate
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Fish makes me sick.
In the past month have you been on Stage:No
In the past month have you been Dumped:NO
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:Not yet
Ever been Drunk:Hmm--yeah---kind of.
Ever been called a Tease:Hell yeah
Ever been Beaten up:Not ever
Ever Shoplifted:When I was younger
How do you want to Die:Hmm--tragic accident.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Someone I am proud of.
What country would you most like to Visit:Egypt.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Blue
Favourite Hair Color:Dark
Short or Long Hair:Short
Height:Hmm--not particular
Weight:I like a gut
Best Clothing Style:Something that is unique to them.
Number of Drugs I have taken:Not important
Number of CDs I own:Lots--have to love music
Number of Piercings:Anything but there--if you don't know then can't say.
Number of Tattoos:As many as needed
Number of things in my Past I Regret:Enough to make it interesting.


Friday, September 16, 2005

Even When I'm Good i'm Still Bad

discover what candy you are @ quiz me
If You Know Then This is True--Big Bro Fans Only

Which Big Brother 6 Houseguest Are You?

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I would never make a good prostitute.

I went on a job interview today. Now I have not had to go on an interview in years--mostly because once you are in the tv family then you can jump from show to show just based on reputation and a certain since of wit and panche--so I will freely admit that I was out of practice.

But what I didn't expect was one of those interviews where you leave thinking--what the Fuji? You briefly debate how much of your time was lost and whether you should have even bothered because the person didn't know what they were doing and you spent more time brushing your teeth than in the interview.

"So I need you start Monday.."

ME "But the show doesn't end till Tuesday night?"

"So you can't start Monday?"

ME "No--I'm still working."

"You sure?"

ME "Um yes. And all of the Big Brother people will be working till Tuesday"

"So none of you can Monday?"

ME "No."

It was one those conversations--where you just want to slap the guy. I kind of hope I don't get--just because I feel like it is dodging a bullet.
It’s Weird.

It feels a bit weird as of late—the new computer arrived, is set up and has already turned one of it’s many tricks—printing out the first of a handful of very needed resumes. It’s hard to not feel like I shouldn’t have the new machine—the medical bills, the future unemployment, the fact that (as Kirby points out) it will be outdated in like 2 years and so maybe I should have thought about it more.

But I know I needed it because my last machine—Caulfield was the name (after Holden as well as Maxwell)--was very old and couldn’t do a lot of things like burn cds or scan photos or print or even go on the internet. So I do need this for multiple reasons. It is just weird to feel like this isn’t an expensive toy but a necessity.

It doesn’t help that I have bought a lot of clothes in the last few months.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


My work is so boring--few HG and nothing to do. I find myself window shopping on-line and googling random people that I shouldn't. I find myself looking through random blogs and games, staring at so many film trailers, listening to underground music. I think I might lose my mind. Sooner than later.

Keep me from being bored. HELP!!!

Friday, September 09, 2005

I'd rather be rory than right

So the aftermath of the birthday drama is starting to carry itself through with the arrival of my first medical bills. After a bit of sticker shock I had to debate some choices of mine--whether I should have bought my new computer, how I should not be going to Palm Springs and how badly I need a new job in two weeks. Now the right choice would be to cancel or return my computer and just buckle down financially. To just wait a while longer even though as a writer I need a better computer that runs better programs so that I can be more professional.

but to give up the computer would be the right thing--so I'll do the Rory thing.
My Work Is Making Me Straight?

I had a huge long and rather dirty sex dream about Janelle from BB. It was actually quite good and rather interesting which gave me a moment's pause when I woke up. It's been a long time since I wanted a girl sexually and yet--there I was... Thank God this job is done soon eh?
Taking a Break from Happy.

So I have decided to not be happy for a while. Not to be depressed or dull or boring but to just not want happiness. I think that where I get into my troubles is that I get so worked up about trying to figure out what to do to be happy, how to be happy and how find happy and then what would make me happy that I get all caught up and chasing my own tail. It's gotten to the point where I get depressed watching HGTV shows because they show cute partners and their remodeled former firehouse turned brownstones and I realize that they aren't much older than me and that I have never been close to a relationship like that ever and what am I doing wrong and then I get upset and then I do something stupid. Like shopping on-line or having a one night stand or drinking or all three at once. And then I wonder why I can't seem to get my shit together.

At least for now I am taking a break from the expectations and just letting myself be. Maybe then I can have more fun. Hopefully.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Quote of Week

"if we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time."

Edith Wharton

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Way to Go Cali

SUMMARY: Handing gay rights advocates a major victory, the California Senate approved legislation Thursday that would legalize same-sex marriages in the nation's most populous state.


On Thursday the California Senate became the first legislative chamber in the country to approve a bill legalizing same-sex marriage by a vote of 21-15. The historic move was hailed by gay rights advocates across the United States.

"This is a bill whose time has come," said Sen. Sheila Kuehl, D-Santa Monica, one of six gay members of the state Senate. "Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens," she said in a quote published by the Associated Press (AP).

"This is probably the most profound civil rights movement of our generation, without a doubt," said Sen. Jackie Speier, D-Hillsborough.

"Equality is equality, period," said Sen. Liz Figueroa, D-Sunol. "When I leave this Legislature, I want to be able to tell my grandchildren I stood up for dignity and rights for all," she said in a quote published by the AP.

But Sen. Dennis Hollingsworth, R-La Mesa, claimed that a "higher power" opposed the legislation. "This is not the right thing to do," he said. "We should protect traditional marriage and hold all of those values and institutions that have made our society and keep our society together today."

The bill, known as the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act, was originally introduced last December by Assemblyman Mark Leno, D-San Francisco. After his original measure failed in the Assembly by four votes in June, he gutted a piece of approved legislation and replaced it with his marriage bill.

According to the bill's summary, "Assembly Bill (AB) 849 redefines marriage in California as a union between two persons, making it gender-neutral and thereby permitting same-sex marriages in the state. It does not, however, require any clergy or religious official to solemnize any marriage in violation of his/her right to free exercise of religion as guaranteed by the United States Constitution and the California Constitution."

"Today represents another milestone toward the fulfillment of the American dream for thousands of lesbian and gay couples in California," stated Assemblyman Leno. "Society is strongest when it upholds the basic civil rights of all its citizens, including the right to marry the person you love."

Several LGBT organizations praised the actions of California's Senate.

"It will make all California families safer and more secure if it becomes law," said Seth Kilbourn, director of the Human Rights Campaign Marriage Project in New York. "The fact they debated and voted on this relatively quickly today sends a message that there is momentum for this bill."

"The actions of Democrats ensured this victory for California families," said Eric Stern, executive director of the National Stonewall Democrats, noting that every Republican voted against the bill. "The Democratic Party in California has displayed its strength by demonstrating its commitment to the family."

Geoff Kors, the executive director of Equality California, the organization that sponsored the same-sex marriage bill, told the PlanetOut Network his organization was now focusing its lobby effort in the Assembly, where the bill will soon be debated.

"What was so powerful today was that the senators who voted for the bill have districts which overlap with Assembly members who voted against it the last time it was debated," Kors said on Thursday.

"We're going to continue to work around the clock to get the votes we need for next week's vote," Kors said, noting the California Legislature faces a Sept. 9 deadline for getting bills to Gov. Schwarzenegger's desk.

"The governor has said he won't make any decision until the bill gets there. He has said that he is fine with marriage for gay and lesbian couples. In his heart he opposes discrimination," Kors said. "Whatever he does will be an enormous part of his legacy. We hope and believe he will want history to judge him being on the right side of this civil rights struggle."

If you'd like to know more, you can find stories related to Calif. Senate OKs gay marriage bill.
Growing Out Bangs

Last night I was called old. By some guy who blows up balloons on the street corner for money. I wasn't pleased when I was told I looked the oldest out of the group I was with--especially since there were another person there who was older--if not by much. And so me, being somewhat vain and paraniod came home and just stared at myself in the mirror for a bit. Counted the wrinkles in my forehead. Looked at the lack of smile lines--good thing about being angsty. And realized I should just grow out some bangs. Though that is the same trick that Farrah Fawcett and Suzanne Sommer use. And it hasn't really worked for me. Or Goldie Hawn.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Are We Shallow?

So we went turtle racing the other night--I was rather hesitant because I have problem with exploitation--much less animal exploitation. I figured the poor turtles had no plan for escape and were just left to their own devices. But I was bored and it was my Sunday and so I decided to head off just because it got me out of the house and away from the TV and CNN and all the things I didn't want to see.

See I have been having a problem with Katrina--or rather the aftermath of Katrina. Normally I don't write about things like this, about things that don't involve me because it feels trite and self indulgent to write about my feelings regarding things that really--ibn some way don't effect my life.. Who am I to be expouinding on the tsunami or the war or things that don't etruly touch my life? It just seems condescending when there are people who really are suffering and hurt and have real losses.

But Katrina upsets me for another reason--our response. It is amazing that we have been so unprepared. That our government has taken 4 days to launch any type of real relief effort. I mean, this hurricane didn't just show up--it's not like an earthquake or a tsunami that just came out of the blue with no forewarning. We should have been prepared. It shouldn't be this way--with looting and raping and guns and just the worst of human behavior.

It just feels like there should be more that we should have done. That the awful things happening down there could have been avoided. And I just can't help but feel guilty about my life right now--working on a reality show that doesn't help anyone, shopping for nicotine ptaches and wrinkle creme and going to watch turtles. Even giving money doesn't feel like it is enough.

I just feel at a loss as what to do. It just feels like it shouldn't be this way.