Friday, December 31, 2010

The Best Laid Plans

I am not a good planner. I think things through too much and get caught up in the details or I go so far beyond what is possible that I cannot possibly achieve it. I hate this about myself. I need to try and change.

The other night i tried to plan a date night for Johnno. He had been sick recently and his work schedule was asking for over nights. So I decided that we needed a night out on the town and worked out a game plan. a game plan that fell completely through.

And instead of just rolling with the change in the plan i grew frustrated and what was supposed to be a fun night out became about me being a cranky pants. I was snappish and short tempered and negative. I wasn't much fun and i definitely was making good memories with the boys.

I tried to figure out what this was about--why I couldn't stop myself. I realized that what i was most worried about is that i am not a good boyfriend. I'm not awful, i can be fun and charming and I try to be generous. But I worry.

I worry that I am not as good as Johnno deserves--that he is so sweet and giving, funny and outgoing that he will one day see that he can have a relationship without the stress and the nerves. that he will see me as high maintenance and high strung so I try desperately to do things that will show how much he matters and how much better i can make his life.

But it doesn't always work.

What i need to do is learn that the plans don't make the relationship work. That what I have to do is be more giving and flexible, be more open and honest than creating things and scenes and memories. I have to learn to trust more in the day to day and work on myself being more able to enjoy it.

That should be the plan.

Monday, December 27, 2010


Christmas is finally over.


I am sure that I will do a more in depth posting later but for now I am just glad to feel like I am free of the whole thing. It's not that I don't love the sentiment or the bustle but every year I worry. Not about what I am getting for gifts but what I am giving.

See--I pride myself on knowing the people in my life reasonably well. I like to think that I am a good observer of human nature and can read people up to a point. I am not saying I am pyschic or can see deeper than most people but I like to think I can usually get close to the bone within my friendships.

And I always try to make my holiday gifts an extention of that--something that they would get for themselves, or something they need, or something that they would enjoy discovering for the first time. And I worry that when I mess up--a book someone won't like, or a shirt that doesn't fit or something unequal to what I am given by them--that it is a sign that I might not know the person or that the relationship is not as good as I imagined.

There is historical proof on this subject.

So when the final days count down to the holiday I tend to get jumpy. I worry that I have read those I love wrong or done the thing or sent the wrong message. And I am well aware of how "crazy" this makes me and yet--there it is.

Yet now the day has passed and i can get back to the other stuff. Back to working out and eating right, back to New Year's lists and taking stock of myself from A to Z. I have no problems doing that at all.

I think that is why New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday--I hold myself accountable.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sometimes I think I am not a hipster.... And then I post a picture like this.

And there is a part of me that should hate this---and knows if I saw this on the street I would burst out laghing. I am starting to realize that as I get older--the things I laugh at the most are usually the things I wish I was too.

When I giggle at the hot pink shirt guy at the club or a certain friend's feathered jacket or the girl who always wears inappropriate shoes or the guy who always tries to be super dressed up--what i am really thinking is that I kind of wish that I was that person.

Don't get me wrong--I don't doubt my abilty to be cool and daring but I also spend my time reigning in--a little bit. But then I have days where i run around in headbands and cardigans from Sears 1970 and love it.

I should trust that more

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

That Party Was Sick--No Really

So this past weekend was Ali and Robin's yearly holiday party--a time for dressing up, trying new cocktails and for guests to crash at the Dollhouse. It was great as always and it really added to things that Mary Francis flew out from Maine for the event because it meant we got to catch up. Though ironically Johnno spent the most time with Mary Francis out of all of us.

But what i didn't expected was that the party would make a slew of people sick in the aftermath... Johnno, Thomas, Kelly, Raquel, Ashley, Beau, and I have all been in various stages of fighting off a cold in the days afterward. Some, like Johnno, failed at it all together while others, like Kelly and Raquel, recouped with 24 hours. I have been on the cusp of the entire thing which is good because starting a new job usually means having to hold back on sick days.

That being said, all i would like is for this illness to go away so that I can get on with things. it's not like I am canceling plans or missing out on work but I would just like to feel good enough to work out. The bonus with this new job is the ability to have much better hours and an awesome commute so i would like to use this benefits better.

But we shall see how it all plays out but the party was totally worth it. Even if Johnno partook in the annual pants off portion of the night--which lead to many people congratulating me on the BF's "package". That was a bit much even for me.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

My Mother Is On Facebook and Other Vague Worries

So this morning I received a message on Facebook from my mother--a vague note that I would almost doubt the reality of except she mentioned a handful of things that only she would know. It gave me pause.

I have no problem with people having an open look into my life; I'm not doing anything wrong, nothing too shocking and there is a part of me that thinks if one wants to look they don't get to complain.

But there is also the eternal 16 year old who worries what she might think, that doesn't want her to know everything, that worries that she might have "opinions" about the things I do. How much I hit the bars, the people that I spend my time with, the things I say that are important to me.

I don't want her to blow anything back at me.

That being said--part of having an adult relationship with one's parents is owning who you are in spite of what they might think or want for you. So I have to prepare myself for the reality that she will have an open window into my life--that it is okay as long as I am careful to not complain to much about her.

Which I don't--though if she oversteps then i might have to.

Like I said--vague worries

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

You Always Think There Is More

So I start a new job tomorrow--which means I should already be in bed by now. But instead I have spent my day trying to get all the things done that I thought i had more free time to do.

When you work free-lance you get used to a certain set time management routine. You spend the first few weeks sleeping in, catching up with old friends that got ignored due to the schedule of work, watching tv and promising to get back on the work out routine.

And then you get a routine of sorts; you workout for an hour or so everyday, you spend your days on-line catching up on the various things you missed, you have a handful of romantic nights to make up for what you missed out on, you clean out your closet. And then it happens.

You suddenly get a job.

And you spend the last few days trying to wrap up things you forgot or the promises you broke. You realize you should have written more, spent more time reading the classics, dropped of your dry cleaning, cleaned out your kitchen's "spice rack". You try and jam in all the forgotten chores to make up for the nerves that come when you face a new job.

You try to not worry if you are good enough for the position, if you will fit with the production, if you will be able to charm people and create new connections. You instead plan out outfits for upcoming parties, spend everyday with plans to hang out, you try and make sure that you cover all your bases.

And then suddenly its time for bed and you realize you haven't blogged in awhile so you stay up late instead of tucking yourself in. It's a noble waste of time but still a waste of time.