Saturday, April 19, 2008

Being a recluse as it were.

So I have been pretty much away. I guess this is a recurrent theme as of late--every blog starting with some type of apology for my absence. The truth is I haven't wanted to share anything because I have been trying to stay closed off. Being a recluse as it were.

I've been frustrated with everything in my life. From feeling like I am losing my friends (whether to life changes or actual new locations), to feeling awkward and unwanted (I mean, nothing of any real importance relationship-wise has happened since the ex and I broke up), to feeling creatively stifled between my jobs and my art(And being back at BB was very hard thing to do--much harder when it feels like it did nothing for the long haul), from being afraid that I would be losing my apartment (from Kaylie moving as well as Edie and Bradley and where they might go next in their relationship) and just an overall feeling of failure (even though I constantly feel like I try so hard.)

So instead of trying to get over things I let myself wallow in them. I either ignored people by not being responsive to them at all when they contacted me or purposely I did nothing but wait for my 'friends' to make the first move and when they didn't I could pretend to be right about how they weren't my friends anyways.

I let myself be beat down by the job instead of stepping up and being the best at it. I let rumor and innuendo get the best of me as opposed to just putting it in it's place. And instead of going after what I wanted I tried to sit around and act like it would come to me. I was angry and spoiled and miserable at the same time.

And I have known all this for awhile. I knew it was bad form, that I am better than second place and yet I didn't want to try and get out from under it. I set the bar so low for everything then bitched that the bar was so long to begin with. I'm tired of being a lazy boring whiny bitch and figure the best way to get over it was to put it out there

I have forgotten that I have to do stuff to make stuff happen. Lets see if I can get right back on that.

In about a month or so.