Thursday, June 24, 2010

The First Month

So it's been a close to a month since Johnno moved in with me to the Dollhouse. The girls, Edie and Lola, have been been amazing and gracious about the whole thing even when it became a bit complicated and possibly messy-due to boxes and refridgators and move in dates. But there seems to be a natural synch that has happened where we have yet to be all up in each otehr's way which seems impossible with four people, three bedrooms and two bathrooms. We make do.

Incredible enough.

Now I'm not sure if it is supposed to feel different when you live with someone. i have always dreaded the idea of a shared closet, lack of personal time and the general maintence that some relationships have needed. I worried we wouldn't be as romantic or remember to close the bathroom door when we pee. I thought we would run out of things to say or would have too many things unsaid because of all the people involved in the living situation.

Instead it feels like nothing has really changed. We spent the same way with our feet intertwined, we still squeeze our ring fingers to say we love each other before we head off to sleep, we still find time to just run around the place independent of each other. It feels as if we are doing the same things we have been doing all along except now we know at the end of the day that we can hug it out in bed before drifting off to sleep.

But don't get me wrong-sometimes I feel like I miss out on alone time with the roomies, sometimes I wish the boy didn't always offer to pick me up from places, but those are small and fixable things at the end of the day. What makes me so happy though is all my fears about cohabitation have been mostly disproved. We work out and cook dinner but we can still head out and hit the town. We sometimes get our clothes and schedules confused. But we talk things out-we never really fight because we always really share. There hasn't been a going to be angry or a going out to hide away from each other.

And while I know this is just the first month-I always thought the first one would be the hardest. It turns out that i was wrong--which i am more than happy to be.
Pride with Some Prejudice

Let's start with a confession. I have never been to Pride.

I know.

How did this happen? I ahve been out since I was 16. i was the first gay friend for a bunch of college classmates, everyone I work with knows the score, my parenst and I have dealt with the iusses and moved on beyond. But still somehow i never managed to make Pride in any way shape of form.

Mostly it was the timing.

During my high school years i didn't really have anyone I could have gone to Pride with. And way back then it wasn't really geared towards young kids and even though my mother would have taken me if I asked--it seemed like that would be a Bad Idea. mostly because-to me then-Pride seemed like a big dance party that would be geared towards flirting and meeting boys which are things one should not normally do with a parent. Even a hip mom such as my own.

Then during college Pride fell during the height of summer-the time when most of my college friends had headed back to JErsey or the Midwest or foregin countries far and wide. I felt like it would be weird and lame to go to Pride alone and friendless-non matter how cute I may have been it still would have been akin to a ttoo exclaiming loser.

so when I moved to LA post school I alwys kind of figured I wiuld get around to it. But at times money got in the way, sometimes it was about the lack of interest in anyone around me, other times I just couldn't even figure out the ways to get there. Not having a car was a great excuse to hold off. And then once the subway was built I was always at jobs that made it hard to try and go-working at the summer program, being a manager at Pier 1, my various gigs with Big Brother that always fell during the event... I just never made it.

I also never really tried.

But being with Johnno has always been a bit more expanding my horizons. He is very gay Pride, he hosts on a podcast about the gay nightlife back in Seattle, he has lived in the gay ghetto and had a lot more gay friends than straighst at various points in his life. I knew he would want to go this year and so i braced myself.

See for all of my strum and drag about doing gay things--they usually make me uncomfortable. Something about the crowds, the over the topness of the situation, the feeling of there is something to prove. Add to my own fears and worries about plans in general, crowd in particular and just my own insecurties about not feeling like I had teh friends and the need to be there....

I just would rather hide my head then do anything

But Johnno and I decided that we would give it a serious shot this year. We made plans with friends to meet up at the events which all fell through and led to me feeling like I didn't wnat to go but Johnno insisted we give it a shot. So we made our way down Saturday night for the clubs in Weho, the dance parties and the general crowds of boys and girls and men and womyn who were taking the city by storm.

What amazed me is that once I relaxed (with a few cocktails) I found myself seeing that was really just a big reason to go out and see that we're here. (And yes-queer). There were all types of people and things going on from tough dykes holding hands on the corner to silly skinny bitches being bitter and sarcastic. We danced in a lesbina bar, met a bartender who somehow remembered our drinks when we went back the next morning for the parade. I managed crowds and the heat and the confusion of what we were doing like a champ.

I discovered that Pride is really about a sense of community. Not that we all hold hands and get along-there were the various groups you imagine roaming the streets to busy to talk or notice each other-but it was about the fact that all thee different people thought it was important to be out whether for drinking or danicng or showing off or standing up for something. I admit it was a bit much but it was something I needed to see.

And at the end of the day I am grateful that johnno pushed the issue. We wouldn't have hand held Cher face fans or dance for two hours at lesbina drunk in the middle of the afternoon or watch people learn the Lady Gaga dance or seen a million randon things like out teens or leather queens on bikes or even just the senior citizen bus with the one sign that said 'I'm straight? who cares?' as the lady rode along with all her old gay boy friends.

It was amazing and something to hold to more than my preconcieved thoughts about Pride.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Like An Enrique Song

The gameplan for the night portion of Kelly's birthday pub crawl was to start off slow-the girls and I (as well as Johnny the husband) were going to have a quick dinner at the hotel before heading down to LA Live for drinks at Trader Vic's. The theme of the pub crawl was bars of different locals-Tropical with Trader Vic's, Middle Eastern with Hotel Figeroa and finally Irish with the beloved Casey's Pub.

What this meant was we had more to to eat at most of the locations as well as not dealing with lines or waiting for clubs or trendier place-a nice change from the year before. But this also gave us more free to drink pre pub rawl and when Pretty and I returned from out Little Tokyo trip we found that most of teh group had kept drinking after we had escaped for some culture.

Dinner was funny because everyone seemed to realzie it would be a bad idea to have cocktails with our meal--I imagine we drove the waiter insane with the amount of wtaer we drank through the hour or so and everyone seemed focused on filling up for the long night ahead. Of course, since most people were buzzed it was a fun time but it meant that we also had to haul butt for me and Pretty to be changed to hit the bars. We came back late from our trip and had no prep time for the day

So we sent Kelly and Johnny ahead to the bar-both tipsy and egaer to meet up with the guests waiting while the girls and I quickly changed and adjusted for the night time looks to come. I was a bit thrown by how drunk everyone was but managed to work in a drink for myself before we headed out of the hotel room and on our way down to the first stop.

Most of the evening was a bit of a blur-between the handfuls of people coming and going from the first stop--everyone seemed to be there with drinks in hand from Shannon and Lola down to Nolan and Dominic. People were mingling and snacking on bar food as Kelly asked for me to help direct people where to go as she was constantly being handled drinks and needed to hand off responsibilty. I was cool with it and had both Robin and Johnny trying to help but Johnny was a bit more than tipsy and Robin was a bit more overwhelmed by the crowds. So I took charge and began wrangling people to the next bar as they joined us before heading over myself-leaving people behind to close out bills and finish off food orders.

Now the rest of the night is not going to be described in depth but can best be described in lessons learned.

One, some hotels do not care when your friend throws up in the lobby because they are so drunk and cannot contain themsleves--mostly because said hotel had most all bathrooms blocked off for an African themed wedding party.

Two, when volunteering to take said drunk friend back to the hotel where one is staying you should make sure to take the room key from said person before turning your back on them at any given point.

Three, do not waste time arguing with a cab driver after helping clean out vomit because you will not win at all-instaed claim all items from the vechile, apologize profusely and take your friend upstairs-if not you will ned up eventually punching the cab driver, losing your drunken friend and debating how to discretely call your boyfriend to get him to come help you search the city for the drunken person.

Four, always check the hotel room even if you assume that there is no way that anyone in that condition can remember the room number, muchless mke their way to said room--they will be waiting.

And finally--do not ride in the elevator trying drunk person's cell phone when you already have said phone in your back pocket. It just makes you look drunk to the Eurasian Punk party you will share the elevator with.

But do realize that if you succeed at getting thing back under control that you will become the hero of the night. When, after you put said drunken person to bed and wait a half an hour sipping bubbly and reading Glamour to make sure they won't choked to death in their sleep, you reemerge in your new outfit at the last bar on the pub crawl everyone will by you drinks and sing your praises. Unless you twitter the whole time at which people you will be forced to own up to losing said drunken induvidual for 25 minutes which does take a bit of the shine off the halo.

But oustide of that-it was a great night with lots of crazy moments. Sometimes the best memories come from the least best moments and I am glad that I was able to do the right thing and still be rewarded for all my efforts

That and it felt bad ass to actually use my fist. Even if I had to ice my hand afterwards
Sometimes All You Need

So as Rachel Zoe wrapped up and Big Brother loomed ahead of me I was feeling the pressure to make as much time with people as possible. Pretty, my college friend from the Middle East, was in town for a few weeks and Kelly's birthday was rolling up the pike. She had decided to have the girls (Ali, Valeska, Edie and myself) join her for a night downtown for dinner and then we would spend the night at the Standard before her pub crawl the next day.

Pretty was added to the guest list and I was excited. i had been feeling a bit out of the social loop between long work hours, the boyfriend moving in and various odds and ends going on pre BB. So the idea of some dinner and cocktails pre slumber party seemed like agreat idea. Even though it weirded me out to spend my first night away from the boyfriend since the move in.

I managed to make my way downtown post work alone and met up with the girls at a new spot that both Kelly and Edie had found on-line. First and Hope is a new resteraunt around the way from the Disney Concert Hall-smack in the middle of a strip mall but well beyond the scope of it's home. The food was very Southern themed with collar greens and fried chicken but I managed to find a pork salad i could eat and between the extreme decor--all teals and crystal--and the amazing service--everything brough at once by six waiters in unison--we had a great time.

Of course then Edie discovered that there was a backroom where they had live jazz so we settled in with some new cocktails and great conversation. The best part was how much in synch we all were even though it had been ages since we had all been together--this is not even including the bonus of having Pretty in town. And even though we had a bit of a time getting back to the hotel-LA cabs suck--we managed to make it back in one piece

We then spent the rest of the evening lounging on the various beds with mixed drinks and trashy magazines as we all took turns catching up on our lives. We stayed up later than we meant to but with good talk and many laughs we finally crashed out in the late morning the next day.

After a morning cocktail for some of us--we took to the streets for coffee and gameplanning. We decided that we would all try to end up at the rooftop pool for their Saturday party action--then Kelly Pretty and I would head out to do some light shopping while the othrs tanned or napped. The pool was hot and heavy with sun and scay chairs but between dips in the pool and martini glasses we all managed to relax and keep up the flow of gossip and laughter well past noon.

Then Kelly Pretty and I headed out to go to the mall--Kelly wanted to look at new sheos for her birthday (of course) while Pretty just wanted to poked around the city and I figured I could always look at new clothes. A couple of shoe purchases later and some great sweater debate for Pretty we parted ways--Kelly to head back to the room to meet up with the husband while Pretty and I decided to head to Little Tokyo to see what we could find.

Now LA's Little Tokyo is nothing like Chinatown in San Fran or even the North End in Boston--it was very spare but every so often you could a neat store with various statues, t-shirts, swords or Buddhas but it was mostly sushi resteraunts and Christian Churchs in Japanese. However I had stolen a map from the hotel earlier so Pretty and I managed to search through out the 5 block radius for the various temples listed-we're both into Buddhism and catch up on what we have been living through as of late.

Somehow I ended up with a super cool Japanese t-shirt featuring Paris and geisha but it also ended up being a women's verison and not the mens so I felt kind of weird but Pretty swore I could pull it off so that became the top for the store part of the trip. Unfortunately both shires were closed but it was about tim,e for us to head back to the hotel to regroup.

As we made it back to the hotel i was glad that everything had played out so well. I felt like I had really reconnected with all of the girls between the sun and the shopping and the sipping and was eager to get the party portion of the night rolling. And even though I had no idea how it would play out I did know it would be amazing--hanging out and rememebering who your friends are can totally change your view of the world.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Wanting More

Here is me

As you can see--I have spent a lot of time working on my stomach. I find myself at points getting caught up in the idea of my abs. To work on them more and more each day and if I skip a few days of working on them I get kind of let down with myself.

One of the things I constantly worry about is how far I can take my self image issues. I have spent the better part of the last year really working on my eating habits and changing a lot of elements to my diet. I barely eat sugar, most carbs are off the table and I even gave up caffiene

That was the hardest

The thing is I don't really miss most of those things anymore. Losing close to 50 pounds can do that to--makes you not want the cake or the soda or that full piece of pizza. I'm proud of the hard work and yet when i slip and fall i find myself very upset about what seems my abilty to sabatoge all my good work. I don't know why I do this but suspect it is a safety move-a way of stopping myself from getting to hung up on trying to be thinner and better and a way to say to myself you'll be fin either way

But then why do i feel so guilty?

I guess because for the first time in my life I feel like I can walk around shirtless and not feel awkward. Even at my thinnest in college and early LA I still felt like my body wasn't enough, that I didn't have it the right way and now I am learning that there is no right way. that if I want to feel good about it then I have to put in the work and cut out the extra. It is nice when I can wear a swimsuit that makes everyone talk about how much i have changed. it's nice to see the reaction of people who haven't seen me for a while

But what i have to do is balance my need for validation with a need for healthy awareness. To know that what i want is okay if i keep at it the heathly way. that it is okay to be proud of what I have done and can be.

That it's not looking at the picture that is the problem

It's letting the picture become all I see.
Book Whore

So I recently just finished up two books by a new author I discovered named Frank Anthony Polito. I wanted until I finished both books before even considering a review mostly because-while these books are not a series--they are tied very much into each other and i wanted to see the full picture of the plotline that he was trying to spin.

The story bridges over two books "Band Fags" and "Drama Queers" and focuses on teh friendship between Jack and Brad-two high sophmores in the year of 1982. Neither character is perfect and I spent huge mounts of time wishing they were better people but what Polito does so well is capture the nature of friendships in high school, the way teachers and classmates, friends and romantic partners drift in and out of our lives during that window of time.

One of my favorite things about the books is that they both cover the same period of time but in very different ways. He uses the gaps in exeperiences-moments where Jack is missing his novel are cover in Brad's story and vise versa presenting not only the 'missing time' but also the two very different views of the same exeperience. How each character sees and feels about things is as important to the plot and at points things that seem odd or misunderstood come to a clarity that enjoyed.

But the best thing about the novels is how Polito really gets into the head and time period of the story. The time frame of the 80's is used not for a gimmick but these kids really care about things that Polito goes into great depth about whether it is an obsessing over Hope from 'Days of Our Lives (the plot point where one of the boys meets the actress is so dead on in teen earnestness and agnst--we've all been there about something) and carries through to the muisc, the fashion and the events that shaped the time period. There is an honest love of things that only teenagers can have and it is brough out in all glory and shame.

In the end, the two books give no easy answers for either character. Things are left unanswered and choices continue to come at them in a way that is very true to life. It's about what friendship means, what beinga teenager is about in terms of wants, desires, hopes and fears. It will be interesting to see where Polito goes as a writer since so much of the books seems so true to his life and exepereinces but I am eager to se where he can take us
You Always Take Something

So I recently finished up my job for 'The Rachel Zoe Project' on Bravo. If you don't know who Rachel Zoe is--she is a fashion stylist for celebs and red carpet events-Demi Moore, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson to name a few. She is also well known for her love of maxi dresses and former clients likes like Nicole Richie.

Perez Hilton hates her.

It was actually one of my favroite shows to work on ever. I don't really talk about it much but I love fashion and styling and clothes--I find it interesting and consider it to be an art form when you get to couture looks. And though some people, you know who you are, would consider my take on taste to bea bit mainstream I did love learning the thought proccess that goes into creating looks for public events of all types.

And with losing so much weight in the past year I have found myself having to get rid of tons of clothing. Things stopped fitting and became cumbersome and awkward but was strange was that I didn't just run out to replace things willy nilly. What I learned from the show was that you really have to take time and think about the look you want to create-the story you want to tell

As a writer I love this.

Since then I have really tried to stop and think beofre I buy clothes. I don't just snatch up easy shirts from Forever 21 Men or shorts from Americna Eagle--I look with an eye towards who I want to be seen as. It's about poking through vintage stores and buying my first pair of boots ever. It's knowing why dark wash jeans are better for most looks and trying on all cuts to seee what really shapes and flatters. It's putting away flip flops and slogan t-shirts for boat shoes and art print t-shirts. It realzing that I have to really think about the man i want to present

That's right. Man. Not boy.

But it's also remembering how much I love color and layers, shorts and comofrt but paired with an eye to building looks and telling stories. I'd like to think there is a million different me and I want to work on finidng a way to expresss that without looking like a store windnow or a walking sales pitch for the local mall.

It's nice when the work I do is more than just a paycheck but something that i can enjoy well after the show has faded away and on to the next thing.

But it does feel gay to admit it

Sunday, June 06, 2010


Somehow I have been headhunted. I randomly recieved a call out of the blue room a production company tghat just wants to meet with em to talk about my future. it's not about a current position opening or something in the near future but a company that wants to discuss my acreer goals and see if we can fit together on some project down the line

This doesn't really happen in my line of work

Of course this is super nice bceause I have been feeling very slighted career-wise. The current job that is wrapping up as been driving me insane with all the work i am being asked to finish up alone-the pure amount is staggering and not possible and when I pointed this out i was told it was no big deal becasue they would just hire someone else easily. I'm a monkey to replaced obviously

Fuck you

So between the end of the RZP and my return to BB where there is no room for more growth--I have just been feeling so unimportant in what I do. It has been actually nice to heel like somebody wants to meet me, seees my career as something they want to be a part of and someone who is not just another position to fill because anyone can do it. But still it feels weird to be so sought after.

Being headhunted is a bit more exotic and let needed than I thought
Thank God I Don't Have A Jury of Peers

So of course I got called into jur duty. It happened on Thurday so I spent the night beofre a complete mess--on edge about missing work and losing money, concerned about the fact that Friday night I was supposed to head to downtown LA for the start of Kelly's birthday weekend and whether or not I would be free for the first day of BIg Brother and be able to sign my work contract.

I drove poor Johnno and Edie insane with my stress freakout.

And what was the real bummer about this situation was I was more than living to do jury duty eventually-just not now. I was looking forward to seeeing what it was all about, doing my duty, getting to see how the worked outside of an NBC tv show. it just couldn't be now.

So I headed to the courthouse in a foul mood--ready to pop if I was pushed too hard by the processs. But I did make the courthouse in record time, managaed to get through all my papeer work only to be told by one of the courthouse employees that my time could be rescheduled easily because i fell under the realm of hardship with the entire 'my job is ending during this time period so i will lose and not be able to make it up'. I was totally surprised because I went in with such a bad view and no hope and instead I was out of the courthouse in 20 minutes and off to work.

I made my own drama and then realized I am my own worst enemy. I could go and finish out my job, I would not lose any pay and could head off for the party and everything Ihad lined up easily. In otherowrds it took care of itself.

I have to learn to stop making myself crazy.