Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Can I Haz?

I am obsessed with boots... I'm not sure why--LA is not boot weather and only will be boot weather for like five minutes out of the year... And yet all I have done is look for, pant after and stalk boots for the last three months. It's to the point that I am wonder if my mind is trying to tell me to move somewhere cold, somewhere with wind and snow, somewhere with scarves and gloves for more than three weeks.

I know that is not going to happen in LA---and I love LA more than fashion and footwear. But I still want to be able to buy these things and not feel crazy to do so in a city thick with Indian summer. These make me greedy-

So can I haz???
Sad Sad Sad

Details are still coming in, but it seems that after complications stemming from his accidental overdose on prescription pills on Saturday, our good friend Greg Girald​o, at the age of 44, has passed away. He was, without a doubt, one of the funniest people on the planet and will be missed by all who had the chance to know him.

He was so funny.... So witty.... This is so sad
Time To Get Back To It

I am sore today.... Working out is hard in the heat, hard after not doing it for months, hard because it is working out. But I have to do it... Just like I have to get back to all of my writing.... back to all of my friends.... Back to working on my social contacts while I try and find a job...

Funemployment is fun up to a point but it can't be about pool and daytime tv... It can't be all naps and coffee breaks but has to be something more. It's fun to be able to go to the movies whenever or hike with the others that are "free" but I have to remember to use this time for something more too...

It is time to get it together

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

5 is Not A Number

Now that I am back to my "normal" life I was finally able to do something I had been dreading. For the past year and change I have been changing my eating habits, working out a regular basis and trying to put the effort in to be good to my body. However once BB sprung the promotion on me, things kind of fell apart.

Not that I went off the diet but my workout schedule collapsed on itself. I wasn't able to make the time for the gym or the DVr workouts from home. I fell back into drinking soda for a bit, I struggled with food choice from the food services and eventually I just broke down and cheated a bit more than I should of.

So I knew when I went to weigh myself on the Wii Fit that I would be looking at a different number. It had been 40 days since I weighed myself, 40 days of knowing there was something probably unpleasant waiting for me. But I decided to bite the bullet and get some answers.

5 pounds.

That's what I gained in the last forty days. Now there is one part of me that is bothered by that number. That now I know why certain things fit a bit different. That's where my abs went to hide. That's what you get with soda and chips and accidental bread intake.

But conversely, this was not the worst thing that could have happened. I know that with a little bit of effort, a return to standards and a mindful routine that I can knock this back into place. The body does respond to diet and exercse--it takes time and effort and planning to make real change. That I should be grateful that the number is not higher or more crushing.

After all, given all I have done thus far, 5 is not a number to worry about. It is just a bump in the road. I slight sidestep towards the things that I want. I can't let me think that it means everything else isn't possible. That would be self defeating.

I'm more about defeating other things

Monday, September 20, 2010

Prisoner of Myself

Being sick is awful. It's not one of those stay in bed sickness but more of I'm just uncomfortable enough to know that I shouldn't be around people. I'm a little sore and achy with a bad throat and it is enough to drive me nuts.

Because I was hoping to get back to people. I have missed my friends, making time with people, and being out in the world in a meaningful way. And what hasn't helped is that i have reached out to people to make plans but I am getting little feedback.

Instead the people who are furthest away physically have been the most receptive my overtures. And it makes me paranoid when I feel like people are avoiding or ignoring me. And there is a part of me that knows that i am being unfair but I want things back to the way they were.

Maybe it is the sickness but I want everything and everyone now. I want nights at houses and bars, shopping trips and day adventures. I want to feel like people missed me and want to be around. And i don't feel that way right now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Art of Handwriting

I spent the better part of an hour tonight writing out my thank you notes for this season of BB 12. I always feel weird when I do work related missives because I always wonder if they are seen as being "too much". The reason I do my little cards with the notes inside--and a business card with my email--is because I want to keep track of people I want to work with again. I freely admit that it takes a lot for me to respect a co-worker but once you have my respect I will go the distance.

And I am selective about who I include on these lists of people because I don't want to be seen as someone who just does it for everyone. I want people to feel special and noticed when I take the time, effort, and money to reach out but that doesn't work if you are handing it out all over town. I also try to be discrete about how and when I had out the cards--I would never do it in front of another co-worker who wasn't receiving a note from me, i wouldn't do it in a crowd place or event and I don't need you to read the card in front of me either--I do it to put myself out there and not to be patted on the back.

Although I do sometimes worry if it comes off as a bit "ass kissing". I do my notes partially to thank people but also partially to put out there how much i liked working with them and would want to do so again. Part of the dance of freelance work is how one goes about building relationships--I'm not a big partier or a happy hour guy so I try to make more of an effort with people beyond that.

There is also the part of me that thinks the time and effort that goes into a card--written out by hand or typed out for the internets--says something about the thought you are putting into the message. It says that I am thinking of you and want you to see how much am do that. It is my attempt to try and continue a connection after the current show has passed.

But other times I wonder it is just seen as strange and pushy.
Manners Matter

So I talking the other day at work about manners--the little social graces that make life more interesting, pleasant and worthwhile--and I realized that for all of my talk about the subject i don't really hold situations as accountable as I should. Part of it is my WASP background and my tendency to avoid social drama but part of it is that i honestly don't understand some of the faux pas I see around me. i don't know it is time for a refresher course or if some people just never learned how to treat people properly.

That said--here are things that annoy me.

The hiding of social events.

I get it. Not every person can be included in every event; it's just the nature of life and popularity. Of course everyone wants to be included and most people would love to be able to have all their friends share in life moments. But it is not possible. It's just not and with that said--

It is really insulting when people try to "hide" events from others. Like 6 people are going to dinner for some "special" reason and somehow this event is never mentioned in front of the uninvited. I'm not talking about last minute weekend plans or spur of the moment Tuesday nights--I'm talking about planned in advance events where there is considerable effort being made.

And I'm not talking about a casual member of the social group being excluded--I'm talking about someone who would be considered to be an intimate in the group being left out. This is awkward because people talk about the plans--usually to try and make additional plans--and when 6 people somehow all manage to not mention a dinner, night out or event it just seems manipulative. "We couldn't include you and didn't want to hurt your feelings so we never mentioned" is not a defense. Lying to someone's face is ten times more painful then being told why it could happen. Most people are mature enough to understand limits on group sizes or event restrictions. Lying is just disrespectful.

Constantly discussing events in front of the excluded.

Now this might seem to run against what i just spoke about but they really are two different things. Let's say you managed to get an amazing table at a new bistro for four friends and everyone in the social group understand how hard that was to do. Let's say people understand exactly why they didn't make the guest list and everyone is fine with that. Okay then.

What would not be okay is constantly talking about the event in front of the uninvited--especially if it is something that the uninvited would attend. it's great that you're going to have this amazing dinner with the lucky chosen few but should the uninvited have to hear constantly about what you are going to wear? What you are thinking of having? How amazing the night will be? It's just rude and unnecessary. If it is something that requires tons of planning--have an email chain, a night out for coffee or conference call to work it out.

But what is even ruder is if you are not clear on who is going to be invited. There is nothing worse then hearing all the time about an event from your friends to one day realize that you are not being included. It is even worse if it is known that you are not apart of the social plan and people still ask advice, give details, or want opinions from you. Think about how you would want to be treated.

Being Invited But Not For The Company

Now this is a new problem I have run into--being invited to events for the sole purpose of giving something to the host. It's one thing to be invited to a huge wedding where everyone and their brother is going too but another to be invited to the engagement party and given the gift registry for the event when you are not included in the wedding. (This has not happened to me recently but did years ago with a friend of friend.) There is something tacky about including people for the gifts or to spilt the cost or share the load of the planning.

It is one thing to throw your best friend's birthday party in your home--it's another to be asked to "chip in" for a birthday party for someone you barely now. And when the events get bigger--house warmers, baby showers, weddings--it seems that people lose perspective when it comes to the even. If it is not someone who you could spend a day with one on one and have an interesting time then maybe you shouldn't be including them.

I just don't understand the idea behind these type of guest lists. I especially don't understand the idea behind the "you're invited to one part of the event but not the whole event". I understand birthday dinners at small dinners before all of your friends meet up at a bar and I totally get inviting people to the after party if the event is too small to include everyone. But if that is the case, tell people that. Don't have a dinner for 20 people and not include two but they can come out and buy you birthday drinks later... It's tacky and rude and says that you don't want them for the company. You want them for what physical gifts they can bring.

Now I am sure there are people who will find this post offensive or assume it is about them. This is not a rant about anything specific or some current event I am "covering up". It is just something that I have noticed happening around me and to people I care about. I cannot guess that everyone is on the same page or was brought the same way so by putting it out there--maybe that changes things.

Or maybe this post is rude?

Friday, September 03, 2010

Happy 90210 Day?

I have a confession. Even though i was more than willing to join in on the campiness of the date--to celebrate a well known teen soap from my youth--I HATED 90210. I mean, I would watch anything with a continuing story line but this show was like an emotional laxative to me--it made me shit out everything from my head.

I mean--I laugh when Tori Spelling was pushed down the stairs by her abusive boyfriend. I rooted for Brenda every time she even thought about cat fighting with Kelly. My favorite thing about the whole show was when Brenda had the fantasy about drowning Kelly Taylor in the pool after she came back from Paris to Dylan had cheated on her.

I was like--GO GIRL GO!

Now this sounds like I watched a lot of the show--I did not. i knew when the God awful was going to happen and turned in accordingly but for the most part avoided this drivel. The show was so heavy handed in it's messages, so up-right in it's morality, and the characters so dumb, unappealing and age inappropriate that I just wanted to die. To this day I would rather watch an episode of "7th Heaven" over the entire run of 90210.

So there. i've admitted my hatred and disdain. The only good thing that 90210 ever gave the world was Tori Spelling and that was only so she could go on to give her tour de force performance in the the television film "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger"

But outside of that? Nothing but bad bangs, bad side burns and a belief at 30 year olds can play 16 year olds. We still haven't gotten over that development yet!

Thursday, September 02, 2010

How Do You Handle Crazy

I don't ever talk politics here. I barely talk politics in my everyday life--between the Sonnys and Nolans and the Edies and the Lolas--it is just a door I don't tend to open. I guess I tend to live by the idea that we each have a right to our own beliefs and things only get murky when people try and tell others what is "okay" or "moral" to do.

This is not about gay marriage.

I was on-line today at work and i stumbled across an article about how Glen Beck and Sarah Palin are just "somehow" having an press event on 9/11. This information came just days after the Glen Beck event on the Washington Mall on the anniversary of the MLK speech "I have a dream". Both times the people involved claimed it was just random timing and not meant to be a statement for or against either historical event.

I call bullshite.

This is one of those things that can set me off into a blinding rage. I understand that Sarah Palin and I disagree STRONGLY on key issues, I doubt that Glen Beck will ever come within 50 feet of agreement about anything and this does not bother me one bit. I can use my voice at the polls, I can chose to not watch their shows, and I can decide to stay away from the things that they represent.

What makes me angry is that idea that they would use the deaths of so many innocent people as a prop on which to attempt to build their agenda on. People who they did not know, some people who would NEVER want to be associated with the racist, homophobic, Christian Right Wing propaganda that these two spew. It is one thing to give people the option to listen or not, to watch or not, to care or not but to use the memories and tears of the dead to push any agenda is disgusting!

I am not one of those people who is going to claim a deeper connection than anyone else to 9/11. I think we all knew someone who was more personally effected, we all felt something together on that day and our lives were all changed in different way. I am not going to pretend that this is about me.

It's not.

But what it is about is respect. Respect to those who died in the WTC, on the three planes, in the city of NYC that day. It is not about using those faces, those lives, those memories to try and push another round of us versus them. It is not to build a presidential campaign off of. It is not to try and split this nation further apart.

At least with the MLK association we could easily call out the rally what it was. An attempt to use one of the most important days in the Civil Rights movement as a tool for racists to protest our Black president. Was it in poor taste? Yes. Was it obvious what they were doing? Yes. Did it in anyway defame MLK?

Not at all

If anything the idea of such hatred happening on that day just highlighted the true end game of the rally. To continue to whip up anti-Obama feelings by playing a version of the race card but this plan tricked very few people. Yes it was self centered and well planned but it didn't come right in your face the same way that this 9/11 rally will. It is shameful in every since of the word. Very few this disgust me

Glen Beck and Sarah Palin have succeeded.
There's No Place Like Home

It has been over a month and a half since I last wrote here... It wasn't on purpose and I completely missed it but I had to step away from the words because I had so many other words I was responsible for. The promotion at BB both was a blessing and a curse--I was able to finally adjust and prove my abilities to the higher ups but it took a lot more than I imagined it would. For the first time--ever really--I second guessed what I was doing with my career. Did I really want this? Is it really worth? Can it make me happy? Can I even do it?

After a long summer I know the answers to all of these questions is yes.

Yes to the long hours. Yes to the moments where it takes all I have to make it happen. And yes to knowing now that I have so much more I can give and do. There is something to be said for surpassing all your resources to find out that there is so much more in you than ever thought. It may have been hard but I love it.

There I said it.

But of course my life wasn't totally consumed by the show. Yes there were 18, 20, 23 hour days--there were days when I could see straight or find the energy to be the person that everyone else in my life needed me to be. But I knew this as it was happening and I did try my best to address it.

When I was not working or sleeping I was at parties for all my friends. I had dinners with Chloe and Naomi, I spent time buying things to go with the "new" couch Lola got the Dollhouse, I saw more movies than I have in a long time and I think I was able to try and stay connected with people.

I bought a lot of t-shirts and boots and grandfather sweaters.... I continued to lose weight throughout the summer.... I read more books suggested to me by friends then the same 6 authors... I laughed a lot more when I could... I came to master living with a boyfriend and continue to work on being a better person all around.

Which brings me back to the blog. Something that I need to give me clarity and an outlet for all the silly. I promise now that things are getting slower to try and recommit to my words and those who choose to read them. Maybe things will be better because of how much I have had to write this summer

Or not. We shall see.