Thursday, October 27, 2011

This Life Is Out Of Service

So I have fallen apart a bit in the last week. Not emotionally but more in terms of schedule and doing the things I want to do versus need to do. I made it into month 2 of P90X and proceeded to fall off the schedule. I didn't just stop but I had to miss a day or two which made me feel crazy guilty which then made me double on workouts which made me super sore and tired which made the next day harder.

I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Add to the mix an internal debate... I am trying to figure out if and what i should do about NaNoWriMo this year. There is a novel that I have that I need to rewrite that Johnno has been transcribing for me from the last hard copy I had before my computer crash back in 2005. It is not the same novel as my first NaNoWriMo so it doesnt feel like full out cheating but still... I like to play by the rules which insist on new work each time.

Its not like I even have an idea or a plot to do but I just feel like I don't want to cheat. This makes me crazy of course--no one will know or care besides me so I can do what I want. But work has been crazy too so will I want to sit back down at a computer and write after a 9 hour day? Only if work gets better.

But the most important part is this--if I do p90x and NaNoWriMo I will have no life at all outside of these projects. Both mean the world to me in different ways and both would benefit me immensely but would they drive me crazy if combined? That is the part I am not sure about.

But it would save me money from not going out as much. A benefit to be considered.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Emerson Don't Have Math Majors

Weddings are expensive. Weddings in LA are more expensive. Weddings in LA when you do the math wrong and get really excited about a location and cost are really expensive when you figure out the proper amount

This is not surprising and yet I was surprised.

I am trying hard to not get too let down as the wedding search continues. It doesn't help that I have found one place I would really like to have the ceremony but due to bad math I thought we had found the place. My math was really off though and it made me depressed for the better part of a week.

But there are other places that I like as well and we are so FAR out from even paying for a place that this is all just window shopping. Edie noted that she was surprised I was so gun ho about everything wedding when the truth is I just want things settled and to have it all planned out.

Maybe Johnno and I need to rethink LA--maybe just a random place in the country could be cheaper. Nebraska anybody?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Broken Engagement (Ring That Is)

My ring broke apart the other night and I kind of freaked out. I'm not surprised that it happened--its an Esty ring that is not meant to be worn full time. But still I felt a little snapped when the clock came off of the band when I bounced my hand against the door frame at Kelly's house.

And while I hid my reaction from the girls that night--at home I was really sad. I dont miss wearing the ring but I miss the meaning of it which bummed me out. Now I have to wait on the seller to tell me the best way to get it fixed.

I just hope I don't have to wait too long.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Like An Episode of Gossip Girl

I have been the process of asking people to be apart of the wedding. It's been a hard thing to do--mostly because I wanted to ask certain people in certain order, some people I have had to struggle to have the time to ask them face to face and with others there has been debate.

Not naming names.

But the hardest thing about picking people to be in your wedding is how much of it is about trust, how much of it is about shared history and how much of it is about politics. I know it should always be "ask who want when you want" but it doesn't feel that simple in the moment. Especially since I have to take Johnno's side of the wedding into consideration as well.

In terms of numbers and order--I am not telling him who he can and can't ask.

But the hardest part has been nailing certain people down. It should be no surprise that Edie is my maid of honor--or as she prefers the title "First Bitch"--but it took me forever to get to ask her. Part of her job is traveling and I just really wanted to have a moment with her to make sure that she could take the position.

(Like in football--which i have taken up watching.)

But after a much of missed opportunities to talk on both sides--I finally sent her a video from my phone just flat out asking her to be in the wedding. It felt ridiculous when recording it and took forever to send but I'm also glad it played out that way. We often joke that we are Blair/Serena from Gossip Girl and this is so how they would do this.

It's funny.

And so now I have two members of the bridoom party settled on my side. Now I just have to get ready and track down all the others. Hopefully it should get easier now.


Saturday, October 08, 2011

Working Through It

So I have been working on the body. I find that doing that helps remove some of the stress in my life and makes me feel better about myself. It has been hard counting--in some cases guessing--my calorie intake but I have learn to boost some numbers and cut back on others. I never realized how little I ate during the start of my day and how much that affected me.

It's good to learn.

My only compliant is that I have been doing P90X which is hard and yet easy at the same time. It is easy in the sense that my back has been fine with the workouts and with the exception of the pullups I have been in pretty good space through the process. The only problem is that it is at least an hour of working out six days a week. Sometimes it gets ready hard to make the time.

I am not a gym bunny.

But it is amazing to know what your body is capable of when you fuel it correct and maintain it properly. I like how things fit, I like knowing how to eat better and I am proud of how good I have been doing.

I feel like less of a machine and more like a work of art in progress.
Caught In The Middle

Samuel is in town. The ex returned for a local friend's wedding and decided to spend a week here in the city catching up with various odd friends. It's kind of weird. I mean, he and I have hash and rehashed our history and came to a certain peace with how things worked out. We talk about writing and TV, share scripts and stories about dating and family but even still the idea of him lurking around my neighbor threw me.

Sometimes I'm crazy.

I guess it was because the last times we saw each other in person, in the same space, were uncomfortable at best. I wasn't sure how I would handle seeing him and he was more than willing to meet Johnno and vise versa.

It felt awkward.

But the three of us went out to dinner last night--Samuel made a point of buying since he felt I did most of the paying in our relationship. It was a sweet but unneeded gesture. We talked over salads and soups and through coffee and a small neighborhood walk. It was easy if jumpy at points--being in person I think reminded me of everything about us as a couple both good and bad.


Later on we went to the local lesbian bar for trannioke. I figured if the conversation died we would at least get a good show out of it. It was fun and we each had a chance to sing and drink. The two boys got along well and I was given the ex approval on my fiancee. And Johnno-for his part--understood a bit more about my past and could see me clearer.


And outside of an exchange or two everything stayed polite and light and fun. I'm glad that we are all over that hump. I feel now like I have settled something more in my past--not that there were lingering feelings but I just know more now.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

In The Air

I'm getting kind of tired of being stressed.... Between work driving me up the wall--not good or bad but just up a wall, feeling like I am broke--because I have to pay for all the upgrades in my lifestyle, and just the stress of even thining about wedding planning--how do most people do this? I am feeling all weird and annoyed and frustrated.

That being said I am doing myu best, still working out doing P90X and staying on my caolorie counting.... Not sure how i feel about things yet but I have to hope that somehow it will all come together...

A change is in the air right?