Thursday, January 29, 2009

Unlikely Boy Crush

His name is Adam Sevani. He is super young and possibly dating Miley Cyrus. But man he can dance ever so amazing and is just so awesome which is why I find him so crushable.

He is in the baseball cap and is awesome. But not fuckable.

(Just putting that out there so post not creepy)
Nothing But Heartcakes

So I haven't been writing much. The reason isn't the usual 'oh I am boring' but rather that I have been kind of afraid to put out there what is going on with me. Mostly because some of it could be used against me at a later date. But it does me no favors to just hide out.

The biggest thing-ha!-going on right now is that I am quite possibly in mid-infatuation with a new guy. Now without going into all the details, let's just say that he and I talk a lot everyday and we're gearing up for the first date this upcoming weekend. And I am scared shitless by the whole thing.

I mean-I am not a sweet, hearts and flowers (we all know how I feel about flowers), gushing guy. I am snarky and flirty and inappropriate more than some foolish romantic and yet for some reason this seems to be where my head wants to go. (Though I fight with all my might) It is just the first time that I feel like I have ever had chemistry with someone--in the sense of what 'chemistry' means romanticly.

And I know that sounds cheesy and weird but I have been around the block a few times with a number of different guys. I know that I am not coming from some 'babe in the woods' ideal that some people do but I have never had someone who seems to be so in line with me mentally, so in synch with me about so much and just on top of all the right things. It drives me to distraction, I can't help myself when we talk and I just feel like this could be important. So much so that I feel at a loss at what to do next.

I mean--I know that we'll have the date. I know we won't be sleeping together because I want much more than that. I have to try and calm down. I have to make sure I eat and sleep and do normal things as opposed to constant navel gazing. And yet I can't help myself and this kind of scares me. Heart on the line and all.

What is even scarier is I know that there is a good chance he will be reading this. And yet--this is the first risk of some many more risks to come with him. I am assuming it will be the first or else it is nothing but heartaches.
This Seems Mostly True

The Executive

You scored 76 Extroversion, 78 Intuition, 45 Emotional, and 25 Spontaneity!

Relationships ESFJs are warm-hearted individuals who highly value their close personal relationships. They are very service-oriented, and their own happiness is closely tied into the happiness and comfort of those around them. They are valued for their genuine warm and caring natures, and their special ability to bring out the best in others. They usually do not handle conflict well, and may tend to be very controlling or manipulative. Relationships are central to their lives, and they put forth a great amount of energy into developing and maintaining their close interpersonal relationships. They expect the same from others.

Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, they want to please others
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities
Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them
Generally very good money managers
Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This Makes me Ever So Happy

LOS ANGELES – The creator of "Star Trek" and his wife will spend eternity together in space. Celestis Inc., a company that specializes in "memorial spaceflights," said Monday that it will ship the remains of Gene Roddenberry and Majel Barrett Roddenberry into space next year.

The couple's cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules designed to withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-launched spacecraft will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from fans. The Roddenberrys' remains — and the spacecraft — will travel ever deeper into space and will not return to earth, company spokeswoman Susan Schonfeld said.

After Gene Roddenberry died in 1991, his wife commissioned Celestis to launch a part of his remains into space in 1997. She died Dec. 18, 2008.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Quote of the Day

This morning to Edie after the events of last night after 1am. (Yes--there were events after 1am on a Sunday night) This was my response to her being annoyed I did not take better control of the situtation. (Though it was all fun and stuff)

"If I am your guardian angel then you are fucked!"

Because seriously people--if we have learned nothing at all about me--I am the last person to take responsibilty for your morals. I can barely handle my own

Friday, January 23, 2009

Quote of the Week

This email is from my high school friend Taylor. He just thought I should know the following....

"shopping for cowboy attire for the cattle baron ball tomorrow night. "

Seriously? This still exists? Why have I not been to said event? Why can I not use this as a theme for my birthday party? (If I were to have one?) Seriously! It is so Dallas 1986!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Nines, Ones, Ones

So I have been having the weirdest recurring moment as of late. For the last four days I have been waking up on my own (no alarm) and doing the slow rise up out of slumber only to find that I have been doing this at exactly 9:11 each morning. Not on purpose, no repeating stimuli to trigger the wake up, just a random fact as of late.

I am sure it must mean something; that idea that I feel like my life has been in flux and a bit too hectic and all over the place has somehow led to me just snapping out of sleep at such a pinpoint period of time. Does it mean that I am feeling weak and helpless like the time of 9/11? Is it a some way that my mind is trying to cue me in to get help like 9-1-1? Bceause I just can't understand why it is so exact.

Maybe it is some weird numerology thing involving the number two which would tie into the amount of flirting I have being doing lately and my desire for a relationship more than sex. or maybe it is my body's way of telling me to pay antention, to get focused, to get back on track.

I don't know anything except this is weird. Really weird

Saturday, January 10, 2009

How I Feel

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Lord Help Me

Thursday, January 08, 2009


For two hours last night I fell apart. Like the edge of all insanity and sadness and whatever you think that feeling might encompass. It was so hard for me to just keep myself together and while I did want to talk about it--I realized I didn't trust talking about with the people I was with. Which is horrible on so many levels.

I just have felt very much a hot mess at points. The New Years Eve party at my house caused me to freak out on some levels but not the expected ones. I wasn't upset by the guest list issues but by the fact I couldn't cook--because I have NEVER bothered to learn how. I just felt so incapable and not in a Bridget Jones way but in a 'stupid way'.

Then there is the neverending novel issues. I had plans to have certain parts done by New Years--which didn't happen. Then I made a goal to have certain parts done by the start of my new job--which will not happen. (Unless I either stop time or ignore everything. Neither is a real option) And since my goal to make up for the selfless-ness (word?) of 2008 I had decided to just really focus on myself for the back end of the year and going into the new year with a continued focus. I just feel like if I am not careful I will continue to not make my goals. (Though Samuel has been a HUGE help in all of this.)

It didn't help that I am not at ALL happy with my job situtation. I did take a job without really pushingh for information--which was stupid and I KNOW better--because I allowed the idea of working with people I like to trump any common sense. It doesn't help that the few people I have dealt with thus far have been IDIOTS and have MISLED me on pieces of information. I mean-I knew it wouldn't be great but wasn't expecting all this crap--the location being different than I was lead to believe (which makes getting there HARD), the money being so low for a SUCCESSFUL NETWORK SHOW (the least amount of money I have made since being the DRAMA DIRECTOR at a SUMMER PROGRAM), and just the general misinformation and stupidity of the people I have dealt with thus far.


And of course there is a guy that I like... It is making me crazy. He and I started flirting off and on on OkCupid before Thanksgiving and now we have started IMing. We just have weird, yet silly, long conversations--but I can't tell if we are really flirting or just playing at flirting. Then I wonder if I have ever really been good at flirting which leads me back to the 'bitch' comment on got on the night before NYE... (The story--I went out with Ali for cocktails and she ended up making friends with some strangers there--it was fun until one guy asked if I was a bitch. Because I didn't seem to be fun at all. It was AWESOME!) It wouldn't have phase me as much if I had not--last year actually--gotten the same comment from someone I know about how much of a bitch I come off as when people first me.

So there is one part of me that is worried that I can't make things work with this guy on-line (in terms of just getting somewhere) and there is another part of me that is overthinking how I come off when I go out because apprently I am just a BITCH.

Not that I have been going out much. I have been really self aware of my weight gain between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve which has less to do with eating choices and more to do with, once again, throwing my back out briefly. So now I am constantly paraniod about how easy it has been to retrigger my back issues--even though I have been doing and trying different things--and how I just want to get back to the weight I was at at the end of BB 10. Not that I have gone double wibe or anything--its me just being afraid to push so I don't hurt myself again but also really wanting to see results because now that i know I can have them--I want them back.

I guess the crux of my situtation is that what I have always found to be very 'clever' about myself is now seeming like weakness. The not cooking, the not getting enough of the novel, trusting my career choices, the playful non-flirting/flirting, the bitchness, the self awareness... Suddenly it seems like these are all weak points as opposed to strengths.

I just don't know right now. Really.
Quote of the Week

"If I was any more excited I would have to change my underwear."

Gabe regarding his feelings about a new job. Sarcasim people!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

How Do You Know

Where you stand? I mean, you can be flirty. You can have a handful of great talks. You can like each other looks and laugh at each other jokes. But how do you know if you are really flrting or just playing nice?

Sometimes I wish I was less subtle when it comes to guys. If only life was more like Melrose Place then I could just throw them on desks and have my way...
Unlikely Man Crush

He's funny. He has a rather deep voice. He is probably not the best in bed but at least there will be a sense of humor about it. And he does great voices

His name is Seth MacFarlane-the creator of 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad'-which should make me think possibly less about him but I can't help but think he would be a good time for a night or two. What is scary is that one of my friends in Los Angeles works on one of his shows and i could ask all about him but am afraid I hear stories about hookers, coke and Vegas and i would rather imagine that he is just cool and laid back and not a big Hollywood guy. I already had Aaron Sorkin ruined for me.

But Seth does fit into my type of witty, cute over sexy, smart type of guy. I can't even tell you how hard it is to watch the behind the scene stuff on Adult Swim. I just squee.

I don't like to squee

Monday, January 05, 2009

Is It Writer's Block?

I have hit a wall in the novel... One of my fears with the book is that i have made the plot too dense and now I am starting to realize that maybe that fear was correct. I'm not sure yet what to do--to either ditch a plot point midstream or try and find another way to work with the plot point. I think I need to take a day to just think really hard--maybe pick Samuel's brain for ideas--before any final decision is made.

I just hate the fact that I have been at a stand still for the past few days... And this stand still is conviently before the 2/3, big drama moment in the whole story which sets things off. But I just can't seem to figure out how to make my characters do what I want them to but in their own way. But i'm sure they do have their own way

Or else I have a huge hot mess to clean up

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Goody Bye/Hello and Hello/Good Bye

2008 has come to an end. It was a year of me working on doing more for others; a year were most of my choices weren't really about myself as much as they were about being there for other people. Some people would think this was a mistake or a waste of time but by allowing me to make others a priority I allowed myself more freedom.

So much of the time I put so much pressure on myself. To be a certain way, to do certain things or to not be a certain way or to let certain things go because they seem like they are impossible. I am my own worst critic and also the first to downplay my abilities and truimphs.

But somehow, by taking my own goals out of the equation I managed to make the most impossible things happen in my life. It was like by giving myself a break from the overthinking and planning, drama and introspection I suddenly allowed myself more time for more realistic goals.

It was a year of change that went by mostly by chance then planning and it was a year of learning that I can make changes if I don't oversell or overplan.

I was a go-go dancer.

I was a bridesmaid.

I was able to finally see the start of ab lines and a flatter stomach

I was able to start and really create a strong first novel

I took back my professional reputation from those that doubted me

I was able to take back my heart from past hurts and play it forward

I was braver than I thought

I was sexier than I knew

I was more heartfelt and passionate about things that matter

I was able to do right (mostly) by those I love

I learned how to be a better friend

I learned how to harp less on the negative

I saw what was important

I also saw what was not

And I was able to let more people into my life.

And while 2009 is only a few days in I already can feel myself recommitting to things that matter, continuing to be creative and brave, to trying to continue to create and nourish the things that matter and learn to let what does not make me happy is what I need to learn to let go.

Here's hoping that 2009 is the year of fine.