Monday, August 29, 2011

Fashion Whore

I sense a little inspiration coming this way. Let's see how I can adapt this in the near future without spending much money. i know it can be done--I've done more with less. Loves it

Hmm hmm hmm...

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fashion Whore

It is expensive and probably tacky but I love it.

It is so me right? Except for the pink part but--whatevers

From Miss Lucy's blog

at some point in my life i made the decision that i needed to do everything by myself because the world owes me no favors and if you want something you’re going to have to do the work to get it.

no one told me that not everything has to be work and no one told me that it’s not about favors or anyone owing anyone anything.

I should cross stitch this somewhere. Or a tattoo.
Face Is Bruised

Tonight I fell on my face. Not literally but in the metaphysical sense. I had 3 cigarettes with BB people. I should not have. At all. No excuses.

But what I learned tonight is how emotionally manipulative I am. I had one of those moments with Johnno where I presented different options of what to do in a situation but in my heart there was only one answer. I tried to gently tried to push and pull him towards doing what I wanted but when it didn't work out I felt myself get angry! Super angry.

And I realize I do this all the time. It is a test without knowing. Awful.

At least I was about to acknowledge the mistake and was processing it through as I headed out for the night. I had plans to stop by the BB show for a glass of wine before heading down the street to Kato's birthday party. I did well around the temptation and managed to get in and out easily

I then hit up the birthday where I had a couple of drinks and some fried cauliflower. I made some conversation with the birthday boy and his wife, with Ali and Kelly and Thomas before deciding it was time to head home. I was tired but needed the walk.

And this is where it went off the rails. I walked past the BB bar where everyone was clearing out and managed to get talked into having "one more drink" with them. Now there some people like Bumble and Nina who I had not seen yet so I did honestly want to catch up. But this led to more than one drink and to 3 cigarettes.

Right now I hate myself. The only high point is that i did stop at 7/11 on way back and grabbed water and a bag of chips. The idea of buying smokes never entered my head.

But still

Do I need a sponsor?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Adult List

This almost sounds like a porn career... However-for many reasons--it is not and instead is the ever growing list of things I need to figure out how to deal with. Things that make me nervous or give me pause--I know I need to handle them but I DON'T WANNA!

It's important and random things like dentist appointments and budgeting for a new computer and figuring how and when I can get the couch reupholstered... When are Johnno and I going to sit down and work out a game plan for a wedding, much less the budget for one... When am I going to work out all the little life necessities that i just don't have right now and how can I budget for them...

The list overwhelms me.

I wish there had been a class in college called "How to handle real life shit" that would have touched on insurance and retirement plans and budgeting and scheduling things like teeth cleaning and car tune ups and all the other stuff you only figure out by failing at.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This Could Be Me

Who would have guessed?
Day Three

Patches give you weird dreams. Like really weird dreams that cause real anxiety.

No I am not a pirate.


As part of my non-smoking plan I have decided to get back on the nicotine patch. I know that there are some people who would suggest just going cold turkey but I do like being employed, engaged, and entertaining. None of that would be possible if I just stopped.

Honestly--I would either end up in jail or the morgue.

But I always forget how strange the patch makes me sleep; either I am tired all the time or deeply stuck in weird night dreams. I have been back to my high school, hooked up with my boss, being in horror film where I was the killer, lost all my money and became a hobo, and even one where I was married to one of my friends--girlfriends. I even had one so scary that I caused an asthma attack and woke myself up.

Freddy Kruger wouldn't be able to beat that type of self control.

Still--it is just weird. Going to sleep continues to feel like a potluck of emotion and memory. I am still going strong though--which is the good thing. Outside of a general and slight crabbiness, I think I am doing fine. But...

In the past Day Three has always been the sticking point

Boxes of Memories/Inbox of Forever

I write thank you notes. Not the handwritten, self stamped, post delivered kind but various e cards I tack down over the internet. I'm never quite sure if this appropriate because I get the feeling that this offends some people.

which offends me.

I have never been a huge fan of useless mail. I rarely keep Christmas cards or birthday wishes--I have no scrapbook of past events to look back on. Mostly because people tend to sign generic things in them.

"Happy holidays-- Jack and Jill!"

"Make a wish Rory! Sarah and Sam"

Nothing about this kind of message will mean anything to me in the future--besides a show of possible popularity. If I am forgetful I highly doubt cards reading "keep in touch" or "Happy new Years" alone will suddenly trigger memories of those in my past.

However--I do keep cards with either amazing art which shows the person knows my taste, ones with inside jokes or memories and the few that have real sentiment scrawled inside. But even then I do wonder if I will need 30 plus "awesome story" cards when I am 70.

Maybe I will regret it.

But I just find that most people don't keep their greeting cards in general. And at least with the internet ones, people can chose to print them out if they'd like or keep them in the in box or delete at will. I'd rather give people the choice, not waste the paper, but still seem grateful

Maybe I'm just projecting.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Maybe Not So Much Of A Working Girll

So this is happening at my show.

A staple of MSNBC’s weekend program, the docu-series “Lockup” is facing a bit of a challenge in Florida. Florida Department of Corrections secretary Ed Buss approved a contract to let the production company behind the series film in a prison, but Governor Rick Scott says that Buss did not have the authority to approve filming.

Buss worked with the production company when he oversaw Indiana’s prison system. For now, it isn’t clear whether Scott’s office will approve of filming, or whether the crew will have to go to another state to get tape.

Sources within Buss’s office said the warden sent the film crew home Wednesday after hearing from Scott’s office.

Buss failed to vet the contract with Scott’s executive staff before signing it, Burgess said.

“The feeling is that it was outside the scope of the Department of Corrections purview to engage the state in an entertainment-related contract,” Burgess said. “Right now the Lockup contract is locked up and I don’t’ know if it’s going to be unlocked. It’s not going forward at this point.”

I have a job for now but who knows for how much longer.... Maybe I will do NaNoWriMo in October... That would be a good thing.

looking at the positive

Sunday, August 21, 2011


My last cigarette was slim, purple, and with a gold tip. Nothing less the best for the end of an era. I realzied that with this birthday I would have been a smoker for half of my life--a very somber realization.


It's not like I haven't tried to quit before--I have tried what feels like a million times. I tried cold turkey, with gum, with hard candy and the little patches. I tried giving up things like wine and coffee to get my head around the association--I tried using sex as a replacement, shopping for clothes as an enticement, even sleeping away my cravings.

Nothing ever stuck.

People who have never had to fight an addiction can only imagine what it feels like--what they're shown in movies and tv, what they read in novels and biographies, hear in the lyrics of the sad little songs. The thing is--addiction is nothing like that when it comes to most people. I'm not hookering myself out for cash, I'm not shaking on the floor, I'm not losing jobs or cheating on boyfriends for a fix.

But I have used old butts to string together a cigarette, I have counted out to my last penny to buy a pack, I have snuck out of events both work and social for my fix. I walked in the rain and smoked in the coldest weather to do this habit. I know how hard I have made things because of my smoking. I just want it to stop.

And the thing is--I have a past with addiction. I was a bulimic in high school--continued to binge and purge at points during college and even life in LA. I learned how to move beyond it, how to talk myself through those moments and how to exist without it. I worked through the reasons I have made those choices; the insecurity from my childhood and high school, the feeling that I would never be hot enough as a gay man, the feelings of lonliness and unattractiveness. I managed my feelings in a new way and while my body/food/mind/sex appeal will always be hard to understand--I know how to cope.

But with smoking--it has been much harder. Part of it is I cannot find the root of what it does for me. Part of it is the actual cravings but there is so much more to the experience then that. Part of it is how I use the smoking as a way to not eat, part of it is a way to deal with my social anxiety, part of it is a way to give space when I am upset or stressing or whatever emotion or situation I am choosing to ignore.

When I do try and quit and fail--it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it's an obvious emtional trigger--something is stressing me out and I want that space and comfort. Sometimes it has been panic attacks and sudden anxiety. Sometimes it has been the comfort of an old friend and memories. Unlike my food issues I haven't figure out what to put in it's place. Maybe it should be words?

I don't know.

And what makes it harder is how the failure feels. I feel like so many people in my life have moved on from smoking easily--Nolan, Joy, Willie were all smokers on par with me and have each quick in seemingly easy ways. We have talked about it at various points but it always felt like their struggle was so not mine. And then there are the social smokers--the Lolas and the Kellys who would pick up the habit for a bit and then one day just stop. Easy and simply without even the appearence of difficulty.

I had to find a way. I know there are a million different possibilties. People with patches and gums, pills from the doctor, needles and massage, hypnotism. A million other ways to handle the problem.

All I know is I want it over. I'm tired of living like this--tired of feeling so out of control. I guess that is why I am putting it out there--to try and make myself accountable--not to you--but to myself in a new way. Hiding my attempts makes it easier to fail.

This makes me accountable.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Liberty of London was Child's Play

I am OBSESSED with the designs of Missoni--I first really got into that look while working on the Rachel Zoe Project. We had an episode about visit the family's fashion house and the neat looks, knits and colors there. I love a fun pattern and I love the mix and match ideal that they have.

So Target is making me lose my mind

I love the simplcity of the black cardigan with the fun of design.

I love things that are stylish and simple. Just so amazing

This makes me want to change my whole room... So warm and inviting

It just looks lux and pretty and my favorite colors

And I will kill for this. Like step on your ass and knock you down for this.

I will be there on September 13th in full padding. Wearing a cup.

Ready to fight for it. Makes liberty look like cheap shit

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Quote of the Day

From Garrick regarding Nolan possibly being in a college dorm.

"Bang those freshman like their daddy never loved them. "

Monday, August 08, 2011

For me please

a new drink recipe to try

Old Cuban

Rum, Champagne, Angostura bitters, Simple syrup, Lime juice, Mint
1 1⁄2 oz Rum, Barbancourt (or Bacardi 8 yr)
3⁄4 oz Lime juice
1 oz Simple syrup
6 lf Mint
2 ds Angostura bitters
1 oz Champagne (float)
Lightly muddle mint, lime, simple. Add rum, bitters and ice. Shake. Double strain into cocktail glass. Float champagne.

Dear Esty

NO No no... There has to be better things to do with your time than this.

Volunteer or something

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Be Who You Are--Not Who You Were.strong>

So I am planning a party.

I hate parties.

I don't hate the act of parties--the music, clothes, dancing, socializing.... These are all things I like. But I hate the drama that comes with putting together the event. Part of me thinks it is because I never like being the center of attention, the one in focus but the other part of me thinks it is about my doubts and insecurities as a person.

I have some.

But a few weeks ago I was hanging out with the BB people--even with me no longer on the show I still make an effort to head out for their weekly drinks. The people on the show have become friends and a part of my life in unexpected ways. It's not normally something that happens with people I work with.

Not sure why.

I decided to randomly invite a bunch of the people from that world to the party that Kelly is throwing for my birthday. I was surprised at how quickly I got positive answers and how many people wanted to come. I don't ever think of myself as someone who gets that type of attention.

There is always a part of me that is still the small town boy from Pepperell--the kid who never went out on the weekends, never attended Homecoming, never needed to worry about overbooking. My life has changed in some many ways since then but at the end of the day--alone with myself--that is how I see things. Still working towards making people like me, doing everything I can to make people like me, never needed or wanted but just a part of the scenary.

But the truth is I am not that person anymore. I do have people who care about me, miss me when I am not around, who care and want to do for me. I have to learn to embrace that fact and embrace that person. I don't mean to say I'm the belle of the ball, or someone who needs all eyes on him but I am not ingored or lonely either.

I have trust in that and act accordingly.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Oh Esty

Seriously people

who does this to someone? what crime is being committed... And can I do it twice so I can get two of these for the fall season?

But least we forget

Hipsters will make and wear anything. This is why I hate them.

Monday, August 01, 2011


I am kind of obsessed with furniture and once I see something I like--cannot stop thinking about it... Even if expensive and possibly ridiculous.

Like this here

At least this could work out to be practical... We do need a new dining room table--it has an extension leaf for it--it is the right shade of blue that I currently love... But i cannot justify the money/moving expense for it.


But my love for this other piece is just ridiculous

It has no basis in reality and yet
Music Whore

So this isn't so much about an album as much as it is about a service. I am OBSESSED with Spotify--the new music service that just hit stateside. It's a free--for now at least--service that allows you to have an "itunes like" experience by setting up playlists, finding various songs on the web but also adds a social media experience through both twitter and facebook if you choose.

I love the fact that whatever playlists I make on one computer are available on any other computer I have to use---the idea of my music following me with no real effort is a great deal to have when you work freelance and don;t like to drag your own computer from job to job.

Add in the idea of being able to see friends' own lists on-line, email or post songs and playlists to share and it just creates an amazing open and easy to maintain musical source.

I loved it so much that I had to play with for 2 1/2 hours when I first downloaded the program. And I am one of the least musical of my friends...
Getting Served!

I suspect I am about to get served tonight... Johnno and I are having dinner with a lesbian couple tonight--one of the girls is a friend of his from Seattle who now lives in LA--and this will be the first time we have seen them since becoming engaged. This is only important because they are the only other engaged gay couple we know--and their wedding is coming up this fall.

which will be nice.

However i am sure this dinner will revolve around those type of conversations--weddings weddings gay weddings. Johnno and i have yet to make any serious or real progress on that issue for ourselves but I suspect that tonight's conversation will be all about that on some level.

I can't tell why i am so weird put off about discussing this. Maybe because we don't have any date, maybe because we have yet to sit down and look at money and how to pay for things, maybe because we're not at all sure what we want.

I know ignoring things doesn't make them easier but I'm being a baby and want my head in the sand a bit longer.

Le sigh