Friday, December 30, 2005

Pleasantries in Threes

The last 48 hours have been great and fun and make me realize how lucky I am to live the life I lead. I know it is hokey as all hell but every so often I do forget how good I have it and then a couple of days come along that make me sit back and take notice.

It all started yesterday when Samuel surprised me. It was mid afternoon and I had spent most of the day in my pajamas working on e-mails and e-cards and just trying to catch up on old e-mail. I was on the porch all greasy and nasty and smoking-bad-when Samuel came bounding up the stairs. Turns out he only worked a half day at his temp job and was very eager to see me.

We spent the rest of the day lying around and watching television and kissing and cuddling and it just made me very grateful to have him in my life. I am constantly amazed at how well we fit each other; the way that we delight in each other’s company., One minute we are very sexual and touching, the next laughing and making fun of each and then next debating the pros and cons of season 6 “Buffy” and whether Joss really did achieve his character arcs; all in the same hour. It is odd how soul mate we tend to be and even if we were to end things, we still would be.

Speaking of soul mates, I was able to finally get Chloe on the phone for a long overdue conversation and catch up. It always amazes me who in synch our lives tend to be, with our being out of sorts in our apartments or what stage in our relationship or how we have even felt at certain times. She is someone I wish was in my life 100% more than she is and I adore just the thought of her voice--much more the reality.

And finally I was able to hang out with Kelly and Valeska both back from their trips home. We went to Ernie’s Taco House and drinks/dinner and just talked and gossiped and laughed. It is always fun to hang with two of my best friends and just make a night of it. It is always funny how we think the same and are totally different. I really missed those girls.

It’s just been a great couple of days and makes me realize that we are so to lead the lives we have. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Boredom Sits In

I am midway through my second week of vacation and am so bored I could run screaming down the street. I spend my time reading "Sandman" (thanks Sam!) or working on notes for some writing I am gearing up to work on or imagining how I could rearrange my living room. It's amazing how little I have to really due with time off unless I have people to spend time with. Almost makes me wish I was working.

I said almost. Off to play with the living room I guess.
Q: Where Did You Go For the Holiday? A: To Crazy Town—No I Didn’t Take Photos

So Sam and I broke up on Christmas Eve. This may be surprising to anyone who saw us over the holiday parties but for 14 hours Sam and I were done. Like over and possibly forever.

It wasn’t my intention to break up but over the course of two days I realized that I wasn’t sure of my feelings. And because I couldn’t figure out my own mind, every time Sam said “I love you” I felt like a huge poser, a fake and asshole for not being sure.

I guess where it started to boiled over was during Christmas Eve Day when we joined Patty for “Sex and the City”. As we watched the entire start of Steve and Miranda relationship I suddenly realized I wasn’t sure if Sam and I were truly compatible. I tried to figure out where my head was at with Patty but I just couldn’t string my thoughts together.

The thing is in some ways we are two very different people; he is always sure of himself while I have to work my way through things. We’re both passionate but by very different means about key parts of our personalities. He’s loud and decisive in a way that I’m usually not.

See, I fail a lot. I have to fail and hurt myself and learn and slowly grow through experiences in a way that Sam doesn’t seem to need to. And what I pictured in my head the night of Christmas Eve was two very different people eventually reaching a serious impasse and not being able to survive it; not even as friends. And so I started to realize that maybe I should break up with him to have our friendship instead of losing him if the romantic relationship continued.

My head was racing that night as we came back to the apartment and I realized I needed to take a walk and work things out. And when he said “Okay, go for your walk--I love you” I responded with “thank you”. I don’t remember this but when I returned Sam was in the dark and upset. And so we fought and I tried to figure out where my head was but I couldn’t and so we broke up and he left. Angry.

And I spent most of the night on my floor, torn up and sick to my stomach, edge of tears and just so confused. And this was because when Sam asked me if I loved him and I couldn’t answer. It took me a night of restlessness to realize what the answer was and what I was concerned about.

Because the question for me was never “did I love him?” but whether he could love me even when I failed him, made mistakes or did something stupid. Because I do that all the time and I wasn’t sure that if I somehow crossed some line with him or did something unintentional that he wouldn’t just walk. I needed to know if he could try and love me in spite of all my faults and mistakes. Because I couldn’t give my heart if he wasn’t capable of it.

So I called him on Christmas and asked him to come over and he let me just spill everything out. And Sam listened and understood and told me that it would be okay. He explained how all he wanted me was for me to at least give him the chance and that if we were both honest then we could work through pretty much anything. And I needed to hear that. Because I do love him—as crazy and fast as it all seems. He’s me if only a bit louder and more sure. And I have to put faith in the idea that that is enough.

I beginning to think it might just be.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Sum of Things

So I am back in my apartment. It's been about a week and between redoing the room and all my laundry and sorting my bills, mail and books I have been feeling very out of sorts. But as of now I feel like my life is back in order and I feel better about things.

Sam and I are still going strong and moving forward--he has now hung out with the big group a handful of times and they seem to love him as most as I do. And though there have been some rough patches we both are able to talk our way through them. It's a good sign and makes seeing him better each time.

I also finally spoke to my mom for a bit and cleared up some things that have been bothering me as of late. It's nice to know that we are still able to be honest and on good terms and that everything is truly ok with us. I was feeling odd about things but realize I have been the victim of too much navel gazing. But I'm over it.

And work has sent us on our holiday break which means I get to do all the stupid stuff I love to do like catch up on General Hospital and see ranodm friends before they head off for the holiday season. It also gives me time to try and get back to the art of writing. If I can consider what I do art. Sometimes that is hard.

But all in all things are good and hopefully getting better. It's nice to be back.

I missed me.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Raise Your Hand If Surprised.

You are a Slutcom 3, and are on the prowl. A hook-up each weekend isn't unusual; the distance a hook-up will go is high. Your friends talk about you behind your back, and even you're shocked you haven't broken your bed yet. You for some reason are semi-proud of your track record. After all, not many can claim they've gotten as much tail as you.

Take the slutcom litmus test!

The slutcom litmus test originated in A Word of Advice.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Must Be One of You--Not It! (thumbs down people!)

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
Yes or No--No Excuses or Blame

yes or no
Current mood: blank

You can only say yes or no you are not allowed to explain anything:

1. Taken a picture naked? yes

2. Painted your room? yes

3. Made out with a member of the same sex? yes

4. Driven a car? yes

5. Danced in front of your mirror? yes

6. Have a crush? yes

7. Been dumped? yes

8. Stole money from friend? yes

9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? no

10. Been in a fist fight? yes

11. Snuck out of your house?yes

12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes

13. Been arrested? no

14. Made out with a stranger? yes

15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yes

16. Left your house with out telling your parents? yes

17. Had a crush on your neighbor? yes

18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes

19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yes

20. Seen someone die? yes

21. Been on a plane? yes

22. Kissed a picture? no

23. Slept in until 3? yes

24. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes

25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes

26. Made a snow angel? yes

27. Played dress up? yes

28. Cheated while playing a game? yes

29. Been lonely? yes

30. Fallen asleep at work/school? yes

31. Been to a club? yes

32. Felt an earthquake? yes

33. Touched a snake?yes

34. Ran a red light? no

35. Been suspended from school? yes

36. Had detention? yes

37. Been in a car accident? yes

38. Hated the way you look? yes

39. Witnessed a crime? no

40. Pole danced? yes

41. Been lost? yes

42. Been to the opposite side of the country? yes

43. Felt like dying? yes

44. Cried yourself to sleep? no

46. Sang karaoke? yes

47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes

48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? yes

49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes

50. Kissed in the rain? yes

51. Sing in the shower? yes

52. Made love in a park? yes

53. Had a dream that you married someone? NO

54. Glued your hand to something? yes

55. Gotten your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no

56. Gone to school partially naked? no

57. Been a cheerleader? yes

58. Sat on a roof top? yes

59. Didn't take a shower for a week? no

60. Too scared to watch scary movies alone? no

61. Played chicken? yes

62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes

63. Been told you're hot (cute) by a complete stranger? yes

64. Broken a bone? no

65. Been easily amused? yes

66. Laugh so hard you cry? yes

67. Mooned/flashed someone? no

68. Cheated on a test? yes

69. Forgotten someone's name? no

70. Slept naked? yes

71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? yes

73. Blacked out from drinking? yes

74. Played a prank on someone? yes

75. Gone to a late night movie? yes

76. Made love to anything not human? no

77. Failed a class? yes

78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? no

79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? no

80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? yes

81. Celebrated the 4th of July? yes

82. Thrown strange objects? no

83. Felt like killing someone? yes

84. Thought about running away? yes

85. Run away? no

86. Done drugs? yes

87. Had detention and not attend it? yes

89. Made a parent cry? yes

90. Cried over someone? yes

91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? yes

92. Dated someone more than once? yes

93. Had a dog? yes

95. Owned an instrument? yes

96. Been in a band? no

97. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no

98. Broken a CD? yes

99. Shot a gun? yes

100. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? no

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

What Song Age am I and Other Unsolved Mysteries

You Are 21 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.
Quote of the Week

This is from the GRB Christmas video and almost killed me...

"Dramatically convenient..."

This will be the title of my autobiography!

Monday, December 12, 2005

I’m Tired

I know in the grand scheme of my life I shouldn’t be complaining—but I’m going to. I am tired. I am tired of not being in my room, of not having my things; my clothes, books, music, pictures, food, shoes, bed, phone, computer and a million other things. I miss my shower and my coffee maker and my daily does of GH and the little hall I walk every morning on my way to the shower.

I am tired of my managers telling one move in date and then being wrong but only after I get all excited about coming back and then finding that I can’t. I am mad about how I will have to redo EVERY aspect of my room which took me about 7 years to get the way I wanted.

And I am tired of feeling bad about being this selfish but it is my home and I miss it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

When You Try

So I did what I needed to and owed up to my mistakes thus far. Thanks to Ruby and Patty for helping me sort out my head and getting me through it. Sam is--as always--amazing and I'm learning the past is the past. Really.

I think I just heart him.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Welcome to Bored

Take the first sentence or two from the first post of each month. Pass it on.


February: I am Butch Damn It!!!!

I am only 46% gay!!! Go me!!!

March: I am boring—I did nothing at all today.

April: You're "Cheerleader". You love
cheerleading, Le Girl magazine, and looking so
good! You are popular and the leader of Teen
Girl Squad.

May: This Makes Me Cry.

LOS ANGELES - William Joseph Bell, an Emmy award-winning daytime TV soap writer, producer and co-creator of "The Young and the Restless" and "The Bold and the Beautiful," has died. He was 78.

June: Friday I discovered the glory of "Eurotrip" the film with Kelly and Lizzie.

July: I’m not huge believer in tarot cards, psychics or fortunetellers. I say not huge because I have two rather odd experiences that make me open to the possibilities—things that would be extremely hard to explain away and so I leave myself open.

August: Am I Normal? Solitude does strange things to you

September: So we went turtle racing the other night--I was rather hesitant because I have problem with exploitation--much less animal exploitation.

October: Overhead at work

"Hey-don't I know your sister--Cinderella?"

November: Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path.

December: It's Less Sleazy then It Seems.

Ok--truth time. Part of the reason I was so bummed about things with the apartment is that I knew that being trapped in a hotel meant I couldn't see Sam.
The Wprld Could Use Another

"Imagine all the people living life in peace"


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I'm Nosy

I wanna know 21 things about you .. fill in all the blanks .. leave no question unanswered! ANSWER iT & SEND iT TO ME (REPLY) THEN COPY & REPOST iT FOR YOURSELF!

1. Your Name:
---> Rory George Lapointe

2. Age:
---> 30

3. Favorite Color:
---> Orange or gold

4. Favorite Movie:
---> “Beautiful Thing’ though ‘Gone With the Wind’ and ‘I think I do’ come close.

5. Favorite Song:
---> Hmm—I don’t know if I can pick. “Gold Digger” by Kanye West is my latest favorite

6. Favorite Band:
---> No Doubt or Velvet Underground

7. Most Embarassing Moment:
---> Hmm—I peed myself in class in 3rd grade waiting for an audition. I did get the lead though

8. Are you a virgin:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Are we friends: Yes—Jessica and I are Mona and Mouse people.

2. Do you have a crush on me/are you attracted to me:
---> Well—if it went that way.

3. Would you kiss me:
---> Probably and sober too.

6. Would you ever ask me out?
---> Hmm I don’t know

8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:
---> I have nude pictures of me on the internet.

9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick:
---> Yes—unless I was sick

10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before:
---> nope—we’re pretty open.

11. Have you heard any rumors of me lately:
---> Well I did hear about a pirate ho running around San Fran leaving men broken in her wake—could be you.

12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me:
---> Never.

13. Do you think I'm a good person:
---> One of the best.

14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed):
---> We have done that silly…

15. Do you think I'm attractive:
---> Yes and yes.

16. Are there ever times when you want to call me but don't:
---> All the time.

17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they don't involve you:
---> I do that already silly.

18. If you could change anything about me, would you? What would it be:
---> You would be in Los Angeles.

20.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out:
---> The old sofa has ass imprint from when I did that.

21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Yes!

I love words—it’s the writer in me. They have meaning and purpose and change and evolve and give depth and understanding to so many things. Without them I feel lost but sometimes I still feel out of sorts when I don’t know how to use them.

See—there have been some changes in my vocabulary and I am trying hard to work my head around how they are being used. It’s not because of the speaker because I know that they are being sincere and genuine but I can’t get past what the words meant to me before. I know that’s not fair and I am trying to process through but…

I have been freaking out. But this is only about me and my own bag of crazy,

And I know that I am being roundabout and silly and overly dramatic,

All I can say is I’m trying.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I So Wanna

I want to Carrie Bradshaw out and just blogg about everything but I am using a computer that just might be the Terry Schiavo of laptops and should be dead but just won't go yet. Hotels are't great for writing but what can I do? Nothing...

But everything is great.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Annoyances Grow

So I was called yesterday and I was told I would be locked out longer than I thought. Much longer. But I was told I could stop by and grab some stuff so I tried too. Imagine my surprise when I got inside the apartment and found the set of ET. Like when the scientists quarantine them at the end.

Tight white plastic and scaffolding and no way to get in any room in the whole place. And no sign of the workers or Alma. I was not happy since I have only 3 shirts 2 pairs of pants and one sweatshirt. I guess I'll have to buy new clothes. Sighs abound and yet…

It's Less Sleazy then It Seems.

Ok--truth time. Part of the reason I was so bummed about things with the apartment is that I knew that being trapped in a hotel meant I couldn't see Sam. And since this was his first night back in town, there was no guarantee that that would even happen or that he would even call. But even if he did call, I wouldn't be home to answer so we wouldn't be able to talk which is-was-very upsetting. I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice.

So I e-mailed him and the girls my hotel and room numbers so they could call me and I could play coy with my motives. I was just laying all alone in my king-size bed, flipping through bad tv and missing my orange walls and art prints when the phone rang. It was Sam, eager to see me, not jet lagged and happy sounding. I hesitated before explaining where I was--the irony of the 3rd date in a hotel room when we are not having sex was not lost on me.

But I threw caution to the wind and before I could even try to get ready Sam was here. He was at my door with cute hair, a cuter scarf, and the cutest little bounce in his step. And I realized he missed me like I missed him and we fell on each with lips and jokes and sentences--just amazing.

And I had him stay the night for kissing and hugging and cuddling--there was a bit more but we are still virgins in the eyes of the most major religions. It was joyful and nifty and swell but the best part is we slept well together. We cuddled and held hands and nestled into each other less like spoons and more like a Chinese puzzle box. Each move was hard to make but opened up another hidden part of whom we are in relation to each other.

Words and glances and slight sighs were exchanged till early dawn until there was this moment when everything skipped for me and I realized that this is not 'just some guy'. Not that he ever really was 'just some guy' but now I'm starting to own up to what that means. Really.

Hotels Are For Vacation.

So I am staying in a hotel right now. I wish I wasn�t. But when your ceiling is falling in and you are evicted from your place you don�t have many choices. It doesn�t help that one of the building�s owners is a bitch about it and you�re a bitch to the other owner.

I guess I was upset about being blamed for the ceiling when the truth was that the building used a cheap ass construction crew to reroof the building thus creating the problem. I did complain when I saw problems in the ceiling, as did Edie on my behalf. So when it is implied that I did this by not being vocal enough about the problem and allowing it to get worse--fuck you.

And after I managed to move all my furniture out of my room, all the art off my walls and my bed out of the way Charlotte showed up to get her things to leave as well. I have to give credit where it is due; she knew all the questions to ask and how to ask them.

So now here I am alone in my own room, feeling as if I am out of town and out of place. Thank god I brought a candle and a book and this laptop. At least I feel somewhat connected. But that doesn�t chase the lonely away.