Friday, September 30, 2011


It is what it all comes down to. To get what you want you have to put away the easier options, the safer options, the known options. You have to decide on one path, one choice and one goal.

I have been struggling with this.

The wedding planning brought this idea to the forefront and it is one that I wasn't ready to accept. I was talking with some of my girls over cocktails and beets about how I felt that I was going to have to make large ones and Valeska pointed out that was the point of what I was trying to do.

I was hoping for a better answer.

In the aftermath of hashing out guest lists and locations and bridal parties I started to freak out in my head. Because to get married would take a lot of turning down and giving and putting aside. I like my life the way it is--nights out and new clothes, itunes shopping sprees and trips out of town. I worked hard to make my life debt free and something that allowed for all of that and planning the wedding was proving that would all have to stop--or least not be as easy.

I got upset.

I tried to wrap my head around why.... Part of me suspected that it had to do with the fact I never thought I would get married. I'm from that gay generation that didn't grow up thinking that would be possible. I wanted the right but never put it in perspective.

I always imagined myself in some kind of witty party--filled with townhouses and art shows and high fashion and good books. I would have a lover who I lived with--we would both be creative and urban--we would be free to do what we wanted as long as we shared the memories with each other. No picket fences or car pool lanes for us.

And while there was part of me that wished for the other side of the coin--the two kids and the house and the ease of being of homebodies and the challenge of child rearing it was an abstract idea. Kind of a "Sliding Doors" moment--the life unled.

And now I am at that crossroad and I have to figure who I am and what I want. I love Johnno and want a life with him but how to make that happen? if i could we would be married tomorrow in a simple quick ceremony with our nearest and dearest--fuss or muss. But the other side of me likes the romance and uniqueness of a wedding. One of the first gay weddings to be legal--we will wait that long--the first of our friends and families in most cases.

But now I have to work on making that happen. Of putting aside shoes and Vegas and David Levithan books to make that real. I know I can do this and it is what I want but change is hard and I don't want to miss a thing.

I have always wanted it all.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Fiancee and the Reality Showboy

As aprt of our trip out of town Johnno and I decided the weekend of the lesbian wedding would make a great kick off to playing our own. We would have a cabin to oursleves and the isolation from the rest of the weekend's events to pour over planning manuals, make lists and figure out the details that would matter to us.

One of the funny things about the hotel is that it has a rumors of being haunted. There is a handful of cabins where Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, and the Kennedy brothers used to stay. Johnno was not real thrilled at the idea of huanted spaces or ghosts--

Of course the only cabin availible was the Marilyn Monroe cabin. Haunted by hers truly--due to the rumor that she actually died there instead of in LA. I was thrilled of course--I was hugely in Monroe growing up and I always love a chance to spook the hell out of the boy. Not one of his favorite things.

Here are some pictures to give you an idea of the space.

Of course the first thing I did was explore the one room cabin. I found the weak spot in the floor where the old secret tunnel used to come into the cabin. The rumor was that our cabin and the two next to us all had tunnels underneath that innterconnected between each other and the casino. The reason being that if the place was raided people could get from Nevada to California secretly. And while there was a tour of the tunnels--we didn't have time to go.

Though I did have time to try and set my phone ring to a spooky recording of Marilyn singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." It didn't work and Johnno probably would have made me the second ghost of the cabin.

Of course the irony was not lost on me of trying to plan the wedding in a room that was haunted by a well doucmented loser at love. I decided bad juju be damned--we had work to do.

So Johnno and I stocked up on food and spent the better part of Saturday evening hashing out ideas and lists. The one thing that kept coming up was how hard it was going to be to pay for a wedding. I know it is snotty--but I couldn't help but feel resentful that unlike a straight wedding--it became clear that neither of us would have any parental money for the event. It stressed me out.

Money is one of the biggest issues in my life. I am in a good financial place with little debt--everything is like a Desitny's Child song cause it's mine, I buy it and I depened on me. So the idea of having to somehow come up with thousand of dollars made me so edgy and nervous that we didn't really nail down much in terms of cost.

But we did manage to work out a guestlist, the list of people for the bridal/groom parties, the ways we would like to try and include some other people in the ceremony. We came up with some unexpected choices which will be great if they work out--unusal things that are true to us and the relationships in our lives.

What took me by surprise was how much I freaked out over the family aspect of the wedding planning. Not so much Johnno's family--that is his battle to pick and choose--but my own. I have always been a bit removed from my family--more by circumstance than choice--but suddenly it became clear to me how hard this situation was going to be.

To try and balance my mother and my father, my stepfather's family versus the other families, picking who I would like to be there and who I don't want. I was emtional and found myself very locked up. It is going to be hard and I am not sure what to do and how not to offend.

But at least I am glad that there is no family money in the mix--paying our own way means it is on us and us alone. I like to think that Marilyn was guiding that school of thought--that to create one's own moments in life is what gives it meaning. And even if it doesn't work out exactly right--it is ours to make and own.
Fashion Makes Me A Whore

I have decided to try and do a tumbler account of my various fashion wants and wishes seperate from my blog. It will be about things I like, things I want and things I will have. Not sure it will be to everyone's taste but I think it is a great side project

You can follow the story here

And of course--feel free to comment or email on it. it is meant to be a discussion piece more than this blog will ever be.
A Weekend Away

So Johnno and I spent last weekend away up at Lake Tahoe.... It was for a friends' wedding--a lesbian wedding--and with marriage on our mind it seemed the perfect time and place to start thinking about ours. Of course we were a little distracted.

The place we went to was called Cal Neva and it was just like stepping into the lost sets from "Dirty Dancing". It kind of stopped me in my tracks.

This is the view from our friends room. Goregous and reminded me that city life is not the only pretty life.

This would be the recurring theme of the weekend. Random art and folk accents. Truly a different world.

Key word is rustic

The name of the hotel comes from the fact that is was right on the state line. It had gambling and smoking on one part but the other was strictly California legal. It made it obvious why the place was briefly owned by Frank Sinatra and visited by such people as the Jack Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Judy Garland, and Marilyn Monroe.

This was the weird mix of Indian, Mexican, Esmiko art in the Celeb Stage Room. This room was redone for Nancy Sinatra to perform in when Frank owned it... It is also were Judy Garland and her sisters were discovered in the 30s.

The recurring theme was that NOTHING had been updated since the 60s. Lots of weird and random details that made me laugh. I like a bit of camp when in the woods.

All that said--the wedding itself was beautiful even if it did take place in the Indian Room. Politically correct this place was not. But what an inspiration for us.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

This Won't Hurt A Bit

So I think I finally figured out my back issue. It has to do mostly with the way I sleep and how that aggravates my old injury. So now I have to learn how to sleep on my back--and if you have ever had to retrain yourself on how to sleep then you know this...

It is tiring.

My body is so used to relaxing into sleep with me on my stomach--something that I had done since I was younger as part of a way to help my asthma. It is such a calming way for me to drift off that it has been extremely hard to adjust to... Even as I wake up every morning with a better and better back.

And now I debate doing a week of sleeping pills to for me to drift off in the proper position and get used to the idea of that kind of sleeping. Which seems unhealthy as all get out but would get me back in the swing of things.

Of course this is not meant to sound ungrateful. The ability to walk normally and work out and dance and all adult things with pain is pretty much the bees knees... Or the bees back?

I guess that is a bad analogy.
The Garden of Eden

So it has been exactly one week since my new phone. I finally broke down and got a smart phone--I have been very against this but figured it was time. I was sent a "Deal"--to good to be true as it turned out--and decided that it would be helpful to have things like instant bank access and a camera that I could email pictures from instead of doing it the long way through the fiancee's phone.

I even bought an iphone.


I have a lot of issues with Apple as a company. While I understand most of the benefits when it comes to their computers; virus free (for the most part) and able to run particularly graphic and image programs well, I love the instant gratfication of itunes (a little too much) but when it has come to Ipads and Iphones I have had a huge problem.

There is the amount of censhorship that Apple has engaged in when it comes to these two particular platforms. I am not a fan of someone taking something that is basically free (in the sense of free trade of ideas) and suddenly imposing their own limitations on it. I don't like that Apple will ban any appilcations for the Iphone that it "has issue with" because honestly free speech is important.

Now I am not saying I want kids to get free porn texts or want to down load the KKK locator but I should have that option when I buy my own operating system. Which is what these things are. I don't want to have fashion layouts in Out Magazine censored for being too "risky" or Madonna's nipples airbrushed off any magazine. I'm an adult and can choose for myself.

Now if Apple had options for parents to remotely censor applications on their childrens' phone--I would be behind that. It would be similar to the parental locks on TV and cable or warning on CDs. Give people information and let them make their own choices. That is important to me.

But why was it not important enough to prevent me from buying their product?

Because it is the top of the line option. In terms of battery strength, in terms of techinolgy it is the best. They dominate the field. Which is why this censorship is scary.

We love it so much we forget about the price we pay.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Perfect Day

I guess I am more simple than I thought... This time last week I had a perfect day and I didn't realize how happy it made me until after the fact. There was no huge moments in the day--just a smal smattering of different things that happened--my new phone was up and working, I managed to order a handful of items from the Target Missoni collection, I started and was doing well with a new eating program and even Johnno and I were just in a good vibe.

It was nice.

I don't think I realzied how often that is not the case; how often things get messy or petty or emotional for me. The fact that all it took was technology working how it was suppsoed to, some light shopping and better focus on my own life goals--such a simple and easy list to push through... It makes me wonder if I need to work on focusing much smaller in my aims.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Last night after wine with the girls--I was walking home and ready to climb into bed. I did have an offer for a ride but I turned it down because I wanted to enjoy the weather. This is usually when I would have a cigarette as well.

Walking along I thought about how easy it would be to swing by the store and grab a pack of cigarettes at the 711. I only really wanted one and could just hide away the rest of the pack and be fine.

This NEVER works.

But having made my mind up--I actually pulled the patch off my arm and started to walk down the longer way--past 711. But then I caught myself and turned the corner for the shortcut home because I realized I did not WANT a cigarette.

This is HUGE

So much of the struggle with this comes down to training yourself to say no, act indifferent and remind yourself constantly why you can't. But you always still want one; always always always. Which is what made tonight so different.

I didn't...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Fashion Whore

I really want this

I don't know it is ridiculous or not but I love this look.... I really want it but cannot justify that much money on a retro piece... I need to win the lottery ASAP

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Life Notes With Rory

This is the view from my desk--not of it. Without my co-worker Hector here to mock i have taken my former smoking breaks to try and learn all the states. I am a nerd.
As The Leaves Fall

Obviously it is fall... I have cleaned my closet out of gross summer shoes that didn't last, t-shirts that grew to big or were always to small, the flipping through of last springs clearance purchases AKA new items to break in. The bed gets a slightly thicker blanket, i'm not as concerned with the abs and flip flops become laundry shoes once again.

It is also time to change up the hair. One of the great things about being a dirty blond with thick hair is that I can afford to grew it out to long surfer-lite bangs and blond shades all summer but when fall comes around--time for a new look.

Dark brown hair with reddish tones, a nicely kept but still rugged looking beard. The fake glasses come out more often and hats become less about hiding un-styled hair and more about seasonal warmth.

And it is always funny who loves the change and who bemoans the lack of blond. While the boyancee is always fairly mute when it comes to my looks; it is always the random girls in my life who seem to notice and comment. I have people like Chloe and Raquel saying it is sexy and hot while Edie seems to wait for summer to roll back around for her favorite blond to return.

It's nice to have the options though. For some people it is caramel coffee drinks but for me it is dark caramel locks. To each his own I guess

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Like A Sheryl Crow Song

So this weekend ended up being very low key but also very informative... Last weekend I had bought a new desk for Johnno to set up in the bedroom--I felt bad that he felt he had no space and so I managed to work out a game plan (or two)in my head for him to have a space all his own for his podcasting and general desk/space issue. It actually has worked out well and he seems quite happy with the whole situation. He gave me a thank card later that week and while it made me happy--it gave me pause.

Something in the card realy stuck with me; a brief line that implied that I was a good boyfriend for dealing him... It was an innocent turn of phrase but it made me feel like maybe he thought I thought of the relationship that--dealing with things. I didn't like it. Because I know that I am the more difficult one.

Between the non-smoking attempt and general work madness--my fuse has been shorted by at least a mile. I can be snappy or get worked up pretty easily--I have started to see that around him I can be incredibly high strung and snappish. Something I tend not to do around other people because with them I get moody and silent and drift away--I don't get WORKED UP.

Being aware of this, I decided to try and step up the romance game. We went and had a nice expensive dinner on Friday night just because, I spent most of Saturday cleaning out my closet, catching up on grooming and basic household stuff while he was at work. We then decided to head out for the night by ourselves.

One of the things we have fallen into is going out to one of the three gay bars in the neighborhood--different ones different times--which is a nice change from the usual places we hang with the hang. I can see that Johnno misses his gay lifestyle from Seattle--have the boys to hang with and the bars to hit with them--I never really had that but I am finally seeing the appeal of that.

Unfortunately, we don't really know any gay guys that we "hang out" with and so we head out to these bars, drink and talk amongst ourselves and it is usually a variation on what we would do at the Dollhouse. And recently it has become more drinking then I am comforatble with--not alcoholic or anything--but we are drinking out of boredom or lack of anything else to do. I really would like to change that because I'm tired of slight hangovers and late night dinner food that may or may not be good for the diet.

So I have decided that we need to work on doing things away from the bars--just the two of us. I suspect it will be a lot of movies, maybe mini-golf or roller skating, drives to the beach or something along those lines. I like the idea of us being more than just out at bars--this isn't to say we won't go out with our friends and stuff cause we will but we as a couple need more than nightlife.

A change would do us good.

A change would do some good.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Music Whore

I just love this song right now... Thanks to Chloe for the exposure... Happiness

No this is not some pretentious piece about the process or the calling or anything like that. (Though maybe it should be at some point.) Instead it is about those objects that hang on walls, from ceilings or sit in many a display case.

Traditional objects de art

I started getting curious about art again mostly through watching Edie... Not that she has suddenly taken up painting or sculpture--though that would be interesting-but through her recent obsession with purchases and collecting small pieces of it from a mutually favorite artist. I'm not copying her per say but was taken aback by how easy she made it look to find, purchase and display something only you own the original off.

Anyone who knows me well has at some point seen my collection of art prints/posters. I love a picture painting whether it is classical, pop art, cubism and everything in between. It just never occurred to me to search and find artists that I like--artists whose work I can own for my own.

It feels very mature.

So I decided this birthday that I would buy myself my first piece of art. It didn't have to be expensive or huge--just something that spoke to me, my personality and my sense of humor and whimsy. And this is what I came up with.

I know.

It is goofy and pop culture and more than a little gay. There was something ironic and iconic about the picture that spoke to both my sense of humor and my current state of mind. I wasn't sure how I would feel until it arrived and then I fell in love with it. Johnno himself seemed to like it--and he has been down this road before with friends who start to collect art. He reminded me that the point is to like what I am collecting and not just look for the popular style or name or whatever. And he is fine with this new hobby.

As long as I don't call myself a "patron of the arts".

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

7 Days

So technically I made it 7 days without smoking. A full week. I should be excited about this development, embracing forward movement, getting beyond certain time frames and just being positive. I should be focused on all of that.


I managed to spend the week post Lola's birthday party not smoking, not being being tempted and even getting back on par with my workout schedule. The better eating is still being balanced out but is a work in progress for both me and Johnno. I can't really get worked up too much on that. I do though--always my flaw.

I get too worked up.

So Sunday night--because of the holiday--it was decided that a handful of us would hang out for drinks. Not unusual but we were going to do our drinking on the West Side so that we could pick up Valeska from the airport and catch last call with her. Originally the line was to be Kelly, Johnny, Sabine, Dominic, Johnno and myself--the perfect amount of people to be able to move around from bar to bar before Kelly picked up V.

Johnno and I had made a game plan of sorts... We were going to go and grab some In N Out to eat on the way--one of the few diet approved fast food options--and I would be able to grab CBTL since the coffee house was next to my bank. Everything was lined up to be an easy night of Johnno driving us to meet up with everyone and continue the easy going flow of the weekend.

Of course things changed.

Last minute Kelly's husband decided not come out--he had too much work to catch up on from home--so she decided to offer Johnno and I a ride with her. I was in the shower and just starting to get ready when this conversation began--and my night went from burgers and coffee and long showers to having to be ready in ten minutes, no time for food and no way to get coffee.

I lost my shite.

Not in a yelling, crying, throwing things type of way--more of a seething annoyance. Johnno picked up on the new vibe right away and managed to keep his distance from me-I'd like to believe he was giving me space instead of worrying I was mad at him. And the truth is--I wasn't mad at him. He didn't want to drive if he could avoid it, he wanted to be able to have more than 2 drinks the whole night and I don't ever get to present that option to him.

But I was still upset.

Of course I stuffed it into myself and just kept doing what I was supposed to do. I was really upset but had no way to vent my feelings without feeling like a spoiled asshole. Which I was being. So began the slippery slope towards me and a pack of cigarettes later that night.


But thinking about it all after the fact--I have learned that I use(d) my smoking as a form of meditation when angry. In the past when these things would happen--I would go off away from the situation and take several moments of deep nicotine-d breath away from the stress factor whether it was a person, place or thing. And I have yet to figure out how to replace that coping mechanism with anything else healthier.

I could learn to mediate on the go. I could try and get less worked up in general. I could take up counting things or yoga stretches in the moment. But I always feel so foolish doing things like that--a silly guy doing foolish things.

Somehow it has not clicked in that it is more foolish to engage in a seriously unhealthy, expensive and disgusting habit. That should be my focus--the negative more than anywhere else in my life. But it is not yet.

Which is how I broke my 7 day streak.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Holiday Rift

It's weirdly nice to get a day off... It is not normal when it comes to what I do. I work long hours, under tough deadlines in some harsh places. I spend my time at my job trying to do so much with so little, never knowing for certain when a show might wrap, where I might end up next and how I will get from point to point B.


I love my job. It makes me happy, hopefully it makes other people and at the end of the day I am usually quite proud of what I do. No I don't get health benefits, no 401K, there is no union for me to join. Sometimes it makes things harder, to chase the dream with no guarentee other than the ones I make myself. And sometimes I wish it was easier to feel protected from bad jobs.

Which is why when people complain about unions, bargaining rights and the like I have to wonder... Do you get health care? Paid sick days? Paid vacatiobn?!? I sure don't.

And there are some who argue I could have all this is I walked away and got a real job. Settled down into something stable with all the trimmings. That all us union supporters are just whining for no reasons. When I know that I work hard--harder than most people making that arguement. I wouldn't trade it for the work but sometimes I just want to look at them and say


Saturday, September 03, 2011

Todays Lesson

Never forget that I am the only one responsible for myself, the only one to be trusted to handle my business and the only one who values what I hold dear. Letting anyone else into that process is a step towards failure--no matter their intentions.

Something I need to remember

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Fashion Whore

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "hello lover..."

I shall have you--tis my birthday gift to self.

So this week has been spent trying to get things back together. The job is finally back on track with filming in Florida--which is a good thing because I was able to catch up on other tasks but still have a job through Thanksgiving. Something to be grateful for indeed.

And I actually seem back on task with my workout schedule. I have been taking advantage of the new free gym machines in the park by my house... Even though it is weird to work out at night and have already been scared by a coyote and a homeless person. But free is good and I find I like the quiet and open air just as much as doing videos in the apartment. Not sure if much has changed body-wise but being able to work out consistently while on the patch is impressive.

Speaking of patches and non-smoking--after falling on my face Thursday I stumbled again on Saturday. I was cranky and mean during the day, the heat kept the patch from sticking to my skin and I just kind of took it out on Johnno. To the point that he--usually unflappable--called me out on it. The problem is that the first few days or even weeks of quitting smoking make me a bit less comfortable and social. He basically said that I wasn't spending time with him and acting like I even like him much--so that stung and spun me straight into a pack of smokes.

But that is an excuse

So I woke up on Sunday, put on my patch and started the process over. I'm doing better than before in terms of moods, sleep has gotten a bit easier and I am trying to put extra effort into how we react together. Hopefully I'm doing enough to make this all work. And I have decided to take a step away from some of my usual haunts like Tranny Karaoke and BB drinks post live show to get a better grasp on being a non-smoker.

Hopefully this all pays off. I want it too