Tuesday, September 06, 2011

7 Days

So technically I made it 7 days without smoking. A full week. I should be excited about this development, embracing forward movement, getting beyond certain time frames and just being positive. I should be focused on all of that.


I managed to spend the week post Lola's birthday party not smoking, not being being tempted and even getting back on par with my workout schedule. The better eating is still being balanced out but is a work in progress for both me and Johnno. I can't really get worked up too much on that. I do though--always my flaw.

I get too worked up.

So Sunday night--because of the holiday--it was decided that a handful of us would hang out for drinks. Not unusual but we were going to do our drinking on the West Side so that we could pick up Valeska from the airport and catch last call with her. Originally the line was to be Kelly, Johnny, Sabine, Dominic, Johnno and myself--the perfect amount of people to be able to move around from bar to bar before Kelly picked up V.

Johnno and I had made a game plan of sorts... We were going to go and grab some In N Out to eat on the way--one of the few diet approved fast food options--and I would be able to grab CBTL since the coffee house was next to my bank. Everything was lined up to be an easy night of Johnno driving us to meet up with everyone and continue the easy going flow of the weekend.

Of course things changed.

Last minute Kelly's husband decided not come out--he had too much work to catch up on from home--so she decided to offer Johnno and I a ride with her. I was in the shower and just starting to get ready when this conversation began--and my night went from burgers and coffee and long showers to having to be ready in ten minutes, no time for food and no way to get coffee.

I lost my shite.

Not in a yelling, crying, throwing things type of way--more of a seething annoyance. Johnno picked up on the new vibe right away and managed to keep his distance from me-I'd like to believe he was giving me space instead of worrying I was mad at him. And the truth is--I wasn't mad at him. He didn't want to drive if he could avoid it, he wanted to be able to have more than 2 drinks the whole night and I don't ever get to present that option to him.

But I was still upset.

Of course I stuffed it into myself and just kept doing what I was supposed to do. I was really upset but had no way to vent my feelings without feeling like a spoiled asshole. Which I was being. So began the slippery slope towards me and a pack of cigarettes later that night.


But thinking about it all after the fact--I have learned that I use(d) my smoking as a form of meditation when angry. In the past when these things would happen--I would go off away from the situation and take several moments of deep nicotine-d breath away from the stress factor whether it was a person, place or thing. And I have yet to figure out how to replace that coping mechanism with anything else healthier.

I could learn to mediate on the go. I could try and get less worked up in general. I could take up counting things or yoga stretches in the moment. But I always feel so foolish doing things like that--a silly guy doing foolish things.

Somehow it has not clicked in that it is more foolish to engage in a seriously unhealthy, expensive and disgusting habit. That should be my focus--the negative more than anywhere else in my life. But it is not yet.

Which is how I broke my 7 day streak.

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