Thursday, July 28, 2005

Everything was Worth It

So last night was amazing. The last of the 24-hour shows went up and it was just good. My piece—the one that caused so many problems—went up so beautifully it made me cry. The actors and Kirby just nailed the piece as I saw it and became what I say in my mind. I never thought that would be possible.

Joy’s piece was just as amazing and I felt so proud of her and her work. The best part of the night was seeing the entire Fringe piece going up and seeing how well it worked together and all we had gone through—Ruby, Chuck, Kirby, Valeska and even Joy as worth it. Theatre done well and smart and just so dead on.

I do again in a heartbeat. Thanks to all who came and who helped. I love you for it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Book Whore

Okay—this is gonna be like the quote of the week in that I’ll be listing current books I’m devouring… Since I read anything this could be a fun listing. And I’ll take suggestions.

First book—“Dance, Recover, Repeat.” By AlasdairDuncan. Most people I know will never read this book and it’s a shame. The book is about a gay teenager living in a small Australian city whose life is composed of pills, video games, fantasy, porn, drinking and sex—lots of it. This is no kid’s book though, it’s depth comes from the skewed mindset of Calvin which is composed of Ims, day dreams, nuanced observation and film scripted moments of self awareness which comes together to form a scary, degrading but truthfully lived life.

It starts as just another teen’s life, which is all about the parties, the sex, the lack of parenting and all the places these kids go that their parents don’t dare to see. Calvin’s life is just like any kid, the lack of thought about school, the constant pressure of his social life and the incest-like nature of his circle of friends and the hope to feel something more. It’s about the shallowness of sex and looks, about self-destruction and how so many young people feel disconnected to the lives they lead.

The end is shocking and disturbing and yet the only place that a character like this can go as upsetting as it is. I would definitely put “Dance, Recover, Repeat” in the same category as “Go Ask Alice”, “Lisa Bright and Dark” and “Catcher in the Rye” for its honesty, rawness and harsh tones. It’s been a long time since I read some that made me not reflect on my life but see shadows of the story in the lives of many people I have know. It is a book that should make the reading list of any college.
Quiz fun

Body: Copy, Paste this with your OWN answers into a new bulletin, DO NOT HIT "Reply To Poster", blah blah blah!

1. Whats the first thing you look at in the mirror?
My eyes--I like the way my iris adjust.

2. How much cash do you have on you:?

3. What rhymes with test?

4. Favorite plant:
Orchids--black ones.

5. 4th person on your missed calls list:

6. What is your main ring tone:
Blah blah

7. What shirt are you wearing:
My "I dated your honor student" tshirt.

8. Do you label yourself:

9. Brand of shoes you're wearing:

10. Bright or dark room:
Half light--tis sensual.

11. What you think about the person who did this before you: I find Nichole fascinating.

12. Ever "spilled the beans": Of course--it's a hobby. Really. look at my profile!

13. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping

14. Last text message on your phone said: Blah, blah

15. Do you ever click on pop ups or banners: Yea--love the slap the celeb ones!

16. What's something you say a lot: Tis.

17. Who told you they loved you last: The guy I slept with a week ago.

18. Last furry thing you touched: See above

19. How many hours a week do you work: 50.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to develop:

21. Favorite age you've been so far: 15.

22. Your worst enemy: The first boy that broke my heart.

23. Current desktop picture: Justin Catilano from his first album. .

24. Last thing you said to someone: I could lick him.

25. If you could have a million bucks or go back in time and fix all your mistakes which would you do:
fix my mistakes.
Quote of the Week.

Debating the sexuality of a co-worker

"When Catholic boys go off the rails, they really go off the rails."
Self Destructive Tendencies...

So the other day I fucked. It wasn't my intention but I did it and I took out quite a few along for the ride. I wasn't being fair and I do realize that. My intention was to voice my anger at the circumstance and it came of as my anger at someone else. I then let it go pretty far and really hurtful before I took a moment to pause and reflect. All I can say sometimes is sorry. I'm sorry I can't do what some people want, I'm sorry that I need room to do what I do, I'm sorry that I'm not all about failure--I don't like to gamble with a stacked deck and that was how I felt. What is bad is I just assumed that things would be fixed on their own and that my offer of help wouldn't be taken. That was stupid. I should have known better.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Weirdness abounds...

So last night I went to a party-and fell alseep---for two hours as Davis supposedly took picture of the whole deal. That's the hard thing about this job. I guess it just makes me all fucked up time wise. On top of this I have phone calls to make, people to see and things getting dropped left and right.

Still it was a fun party at the Ava household and I am quite gald I went. thought davis really did need a slap. But i figure that is par for the course. But maybe things will get better as I catch up on the sleep stuff. That and feel like being around people is normal.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Blog Death--Kind of Like Bed Death

So I have nothing really to say at the current moment. Nothing truly funny or witty or even that great. I have become boring which is why the lack of entries. Big brother has made me his bitch and thus life goes along. I spend each of my days in some version of the following.

I get up--have my hour of wake up where I watch CNN or headline News as I put around the house. I check my e-mail for anything exciting and then I take the time to shower, shave (which I hate and debate about every morning) then I make my way slowly out of the house. The walk to work is funny--if only because I tend to let my mind wander up and down the neighborhood and into the strange place that are out.

I then spend anywhere from 7 to 10 hours watching the little monsters in the BB house. This can good at points and even fun but more often it becomes very boring. So then I distract myself by staring at the various cute guys on the show--Libby, Linus and a few other who at least make me have a reason to focus. (Also a reason to shave and look good). If I am feeling spry after then--

Then I hit the gym for an hour and hope like hell that now I know comes in the gym while I am there. There is nothing more gross to me then trying to dodge cute guys or girls from work so that hey don't see me as the sweaty gym mess that I can be. That and I hope each shift that the teamster aren't there--thus making me feel like some prison bitch in "oz" as they lift more weight then Delta Burkes's husband. I don't like this vibe.

Then I make my way slowly home and have a beat where I debate--depending on time frame--and either make phone calls or catch up news/general hospital. Then I have a debate about how long I can sleep, pack my gym bag and then climb into bed and fall asleep slowly but surely.
Obsessed with This

I'm totally into this....

Seriously people--this is just out of control!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Sex Rocks.

So sex rocks--really really rocks. I know that I shouldn't be surprised by this but I am. It's just I had taken some time off of sexual pursuits and stayed abit more pure and chaste. Til last night of course. Then I made up for all the lost time in the course of several hours. It's weird how recharging a good, safe, no strings throw down can be. It just is.

I guess I should set it up--how we met, how we got together, all that type of detail stuff that will place the sex into either black and white/good or bad. But instead I'll talk about how it surprised me--the intensity of making out with someone who you'd wouldn't expect to make out, the very sexual eagerness from a guy who seems so very straight, the amazing aspect of a guy who is the type I want and him being into me. Making me feel attractive and making me believe that the dream guy I want does exist somewhere out there. It's very positive. It's very life affirming. If if won't happen with this guy-it's nice to know it's out there.

That and the sexy was good. Two cigarettes, hide the cat, blush when your roommate sees you the next morning sex.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Surprise Surprise

You're most like Carrie
You're a passionate, expressive, theatrical chick who craves the thrill of roller-coaster relationships. Though you may have a lot of romance ups and downs, you're a rock-solid confidante, whom friends run to with their most intimate problems. Be just as good a friend to yourself the next time Mr. Wrong pulls a fast one, and it won't hurt half as much.

Your ultimate date: Sexy old boyfriend + trendy new restaurant

Your signature style: Eclectic glamazon

Your dream job: Journalist, TV writer for a drama series, actress

Your fave movie: The Way We Were

Your bible: Codependent No More

Your typical workout: Running to the dry cleaner's in stilettos

Your dating persona: Romantic drama queen

Your idea of foreplay: Make-out session in elevator/restaurant/hallway

Your classic crush: Toxic bachelor or married man

Your best love match: Tall, dark, handsome -- and won't stutter the word "commitment"

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Quote of the Week

"You got the LA face and the Oakland booty!"
This Makes Me SO HAPPY--if it works!!!

Sides will have to ratify new news services

NEW YORK -- The NHL and the players' association reached an agreement in principle Wednesday on a six-year labor deal, ending a lockout that wiped out last season.

The sides met for 24 hours starting Tuesday afternoon to hammer out the collective-bargaining agreement that will return the NHL to the ice on time in the fall. In February, commissioner Gary Bettman canceled the season, making the NHL the first North American sports league to lose a year because of a labor dispute.

"It's a new day," Philadelphia Flyers coach Ken Hitchcock told The Associated Press. "It's pretty exciting."

Both sides still need to ratify the deal, a pact that is expected to contain a salary cap -- something players' association executive director Bob Goodenow never wanted. That process is expected to be completed next week, the league and the union said in a joint news release.

If all goes according to plan, training camps will open from Vancouver to Miami in September. NHL games will be back on the schedule come October.

A prominent player agent told ESPN The Magazine's E.J. Hradek that the draft lottery will be held July 21, with the entry draft being held July 30 in Ottawa.

"It'll be a great thing to get the game back up," Columbus Blue Jackets coach Gerard Gallant said.

It took all night and then some for the final round of negotiations to produce an agreement.

The sides met for 10 straight days in New York, and it became clear Wednesday morning -- the 301st day of the lockout -- that they weren't going to leave the room without an agreement in hand.

The expected salary cap will likely have a ceiling approaching $40 million and a minimum somewhere between $20 million and $25 million.

Player salaries will not exceed 54 percent of league-wide revenues.

Some players in recent days have voiced their displeasure over what will be included in the new agreement.

Bettman warned in February that the offers the union passed up were better than any it would see once a year of hockey was lost.

Just days before the season was wiped out, the players' association said for the first time it would accept a salary cap if the league dropped its desire to link player costs to revenues.

That started a wild week that included the cancellation of the season on Feb. 16 and a false hope three days later that it would be saved. Even Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux -- superstars turned executives -- couldn't resurrect it during an emergency bargaining session in New York.

Negotiations resumed in mid-March.

Bettman promised "cost certainty" in the form of a hard salary cap to the owners and he has gotten it.

The landscape of the NHL will be quite different than it was back in June 2004 when the Tampa Bay Lightning skated off with the Stanley Cup in the league's last game before the lockout. For the first time since a flu epidemic in 1919, there was no Stanley Cup champion in 2005.

Now when the league relaunches in the fall, it will do so with a brand new salary structure that keeps high-spending teams such as Toronto, Philadelphia and the New York Rangers in line.

The first order of business after the deal is ratified will be to get a majority of the players signed. The belief is that last season's contracts will be wiped from the books, leaving many players without deals.

Those who still are under contract will have their salaries reduced by 24 percent, a concept first proposed by the union last December. Some expensive players also will be on the market as teams pare payrolls to get down to the cap.

There also will be several rules changes that could run the gamut from the size of goaltender equipment to the installation of a shootout to eliminate tie games.

"Our focus right now, from the coaches' standpoint, is we're waiting to see what our roster is going to look like and what the playing rules are going to look like," Hitchcock said in a phone interview.

The draft was supposed to be held last month in Ottawa, but the Canadian capital might get to host the event soon.

Canadian phenom Sidney Crosby is the consensus choice to be the No. 1 pick. Where he goes will be determined by a draft lottery that will give each team an opportunity to snag him.

He will certainly be part of the NHL's campaign to win back fans that were disenchanted by the lockout.

The deal finally came down during sport's biggest lull of the year -- the baseball All-Star break.

The NHL probably won't hold such an event until 2007 as next year's All-Star game is expected to be replaced by an Olympic break, allowing players to represent their countries in Turin, Italy.

Information from The Associated Press was used in this report.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Off the Map

I feel rather off as of late. Between my weird work shifts, the odd days off, and lack of roommates makes me feel as if I am just a work machine. I guess it’s good that I like my job so much, that Lola is there for the giggles and gist, that certain friends have open schedules for hanging out and how much time I have for silly stuff like the gym.

It’s just weird to feel so abstract socially. But that’s where I’m at. Thank God for the VCR and e-mail or I would just feel totally gone.

Saturday, July 09, 2005


I feel so ashamed. I did something so self-destructive the other night that it startled even me. I know why I was doing it, even saw it coming but did nothing to get out of the way and its scares even me. It’s hard when you see yourself as your own worst enemy and I hve to do something to change this pattern. I just need to try nd stop forcing things, to look into other avenues and give it time and room to grow.

I definitely need to stop beating myself up over it. That’s not going to much of anything. So here’s me trying to forgive myself. Let’s hope it’s enough.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Everyone’s Got Their Something.

The last few days have been bit of a blur; with the show starting up I have been trying to squeeze in my last free moments of social life before I drop totally out of sight. It’s been fun—drinks at the BR with Kelly, Joy, Grant, Cheryl, Duncan, Shannon, Lola and Davis followed by Bob’s Big Boy (though without the dirty dancing) and dinner with Kelly, Lola and Rocky the following night but with lunch with Naomi in between. Hectic but very enjoyable.

Of course with all this social activity there has been plenty of drama. People saying what they think, people being hurt, and people reading too much into things. I understand this, we all have our something—what makes us upset or sad or sensitive but I guess where I get confused is how far people are willing to take it. I think that we are all limited in what we are capable of doing and feeling which is okay.

I just feel that it is okay to let people fail, that we all stumble and misinterpret things, and that we just have to accept that. That people aren’t meaning to be hurtful but just incapable of seeing the whole picture sometimes so how hard on them can any us of be? I just wish that we would all take a deep breath and put it into perspective. We’re not all close and we don’t all know the same things so maybe it not really about what we think it is. Sometimes it is just something.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Sometimes I Just Shouldn’t

I’m not huge believer in tarot cards, psychics or fortunetellers. I say not huge because I have two rather odd experiences that make me open to the possibilities—things that would be extremely hard to explain away and so I leave myself open. Which is why I own tarot cards.

I don’t ever really use them—I keep them because it seems a bad idea to throw them out or give them away to someone who doesn’t believe. I forget periodically that I have them but stumble across them as I look through my books or cds and I just move them out of the way to keep them hidden. I think people would make fun of me if I knew I had them.

The only reason the cards are even important was because of the Prom. We had a Mardi Gras them and so I used them for one of the tables at the event. Some of the guests played with them and the ouji board and even the magic eight ball as I spent the evening spinning music for the event. They ended up being thrown in a random bag as the evening ended and we cleaned up the party. I got them back tonight.

They were in the bottom of the third bag, beneath a slew of candles and string lights, so I just left them on the table as I put everything away. Afterwards I just stared at them and decided to just play with them for a bit; I was still tipsy from Lola and Rocky’s housewarming and curiosity got the best of me. I asked them random stupid questions about work and my friends and even my roommate. I was just playing around.

Then I asked about the boy. Surprised? I’m not. I shouldn’t have done it; just seems so silly and weak and stupid. I have already been burned by the situation and just because he is kind and nice and funny and sweet and bright and shiny doesn’t—doesn’t change anything. My head says to let it go and my heart still wants what it wants which is pathetic. Truly so.

And even as I flipped the cards I told myself they didn’t matter, that they wouldn’t change anything and I shouldn’t care. Of course they all said “yes”. Sometimes I just shouldn’t and leave well enough alone.