just call me Dan

Recently I’ve been going out a lot… Not to a bunch of different places and not in an unsafe way but I’ve been spending a lot of time at my local bar. It’s actually kind of freaked me out because this is not someone I used to be. I think tonight was the first time I realized that maybe it was because I’m just really lonely…

i’ve been on a work from home situation since March 2020 and I think not having an office and coworkers to see as well as just being on a different schedule from the husband has created this lead in me. Not necessarily to talk with people though it’s always nice but this need to feel a part of something. I think I underestimated how much I enjoy the energy of being around others and it’s hard because everybody has their own set up for how to get through this. But between not having coworkersreally and just being on a separate schedule from my husband… It’s been a lot and my friends while they are great have their own lives – – they have their children to take care of or new boyfriends or they’re traveling across the world for work so I can’t really meet up with them so now I turn to strangers at a bar because it’s simpler. I wish I was some level that I didn’t feel this way but I also don’t know what I could replace it with. Television is boring painting hasn’t been great reading feels a little bit of a space but not enough…

And a week from now I finish my hell job and I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the free time. I don’t currently have a new job and so I’m going to be at loose ends but the good thing is the lack of money means I won’t go out so that will help. It’s just tough and it’s unfair for me to be upset at the people in my life who have so much more going on but it doesn’t take away from the loneliness.

I’m standing outside a bar and my skates are heavy and I am just trying to figure out who I am. I’ve let myself be so deconstructed the current events in my life that I have to be built. And then my friends nervous because I’ve made such a while but I’m gonna do the work and make myself better. Hopefully it’s enough

The saddest boy in Whoville

Tonight was just really sad… Technically tomorrow is my birthday but I was out tonight to go skating and I decided to go to the bar afterwards because Johnno had to go to bed early for school and work. It’s been a long time that I’ve been feeling lonely and tonight just really put a focus on it – – being at the bar at midnight when my birthday started and realizing I had nobody to celebrate with. And I know so much of this is my fault – – I’ve just hid my birthdate and I prioritize my job over my relationships and we’re still dealing with the repercussions of the stay at home order. I just felt really lonely and I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid and all of this started back up. And part of this loneliness is my fault. I have never trusted in my friendships or relationships of people and this is the outcome… The sense of loneliness and just feeling like maybe I don’t matter just so many people. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to reconcile between the life that I’ve built around me and the life that I feel like I’m living. I’m over thinking things and it’s late and I’m hungry and sleepy.  I need to wake up tomorrow and just trust the people who matter will show up and if not I have to think about what I need to do to bring them back into my life.