Older

There have been certain things I have been noticing lately that I am unable to put up with. I have some younger (not by much) gay friends in the bar scene who I am watching make the same mistakes again and again. Confusing loneliness with need, bad bed partners or trying to force couples to happen. For awhile I was doing the sassy older friend who knows better but now I have reached the point where I am like--

I DON'T CARE. FUCK UP YOUR LIFE. DON'T COMPLAIN TO ME.

I am finding people around me saying stupid things--hurtful things--ignorant things and in the past I would point this out, trying to help mend bridges or open lines of communication. Now I find myself distancing from those people and when I do say anything it's much more harsh. Like, don't say "fuck so and so's child' even as a joke. Or don't say it's rough for men right now and how do people not make the compliant the moment the sexual offense happens. It makes you sound stupid and makes people respect you less.

IT'S NOT OKAY.

And I don't know if this is about being older. Or maybe it is about the plethora of real issues going on around me; death, addiction, divorce, ambition. But I am tired of people who have no interest in trying to adult. Why waste my time? I don't know how much I have left.

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN.

New Things?

I spent this past Friday night randomly at a fundraiser for a local derby team... It wasn't planned but it got me thinking--maybe I need some more group activities away from said group. Rollerskating is one of my favorite things to do and I was OBSESSED with roller derby as a child. One of the few movies I owe is Whip It... Maybe this is my next big lifestyle change.

(Others being running, therapy for my anxiety, video games and cooking with cactus.)

There is also a part of me that says maybe starting a dangerous new trend at my age is not the best idea ever. Which then makes me feel old and I am not old and I would have to be careful about my back but I don't want to be a prisoner to pain.

Or maybe this is some kind of weird hipster death wish.

I don't know. I just want to put my wheels on. 

Things I Love

I am not a flower person but I am really into this adjustable iron vase from Urban Outfitters. I love the idea of having something slim enough for window sills but could be flipped around in a multi-tiered centerpiece with ease. Maybe once I get my next job I can work on this. 

Or maybe a new sofa instead--I'm nesting I guess.

REPOST: Roxane Gay's Rules for Female Friendship--or EVERYONE COULD USE THIS

1. Abandon the cultural myth that all female friendships must be bitchy, toxic or competitive. This myth is like heels and purses–pretty but designed to SLOW women down.
   1A. This is not to say women aren’t bitches or toxic or competitive sometimes but rather to say that these are not defining characteristics of female friendship, especially as you get older.
   1B. If you find that you are feeling bitchy, toxic or competitive toward the women who are supposed to be your closest friends, look at why and figure out how to fix it and/or find someone who can help you fix it.
2. A lot of ink is given over to mythologizing female friendships as curious, fragile relationships that are always intensely fraught. Stop reading writing that encourages this mythology.
3. If you are the kind of woman who says, “I’m mostly friends with guys,” and act like you’re proud of that, like that makes you closer to being a man or something and less of a woman as if being a woman is a bad thing, see Item 1B. It’s okay if most of your friends are guys, but if you champion this as a commentary on the nature of female friendships, well, soul search a little.
3A. If you feel like it’s hard to be friends with women, consider that maybe women aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s just you.
3B. I used to be this kind of woman. I’m sorry to judge.
4. Sometimes, your friends will date people you cannot stand. You can either be honest about your feelings or you can lie. There are good reasons for both. Sometimes you will be the person dating someone your friends cannot stand. If your man or woman is a scrub, just own it so you and your friends can talk about more interesting things. My go-to explanation is “I am dating an asshole because I’m lazy.” You are welcome to borrow it.
5. Want nothing but the best for your friends because when your friends are happy and successful, it’s probably going to be easier for you to be happy.
5A. If you’re having a rough go of it and a friend is having the best year ever and you need to think some dark thoughts about that, do it alone, with your therapist, or in your diary so that when you actually see your friend, you can avoid the myth discussed in Item 1.
5B. If you and your friend(s) are in the same field and you can collaborate or help each other, do this without shame. It’s not your fault your friends are awesome. Men invented nepotism and practically live by it. It’s okay for women to do it too.
5C. Don’t tear other women down, because even if they’re not your friends, they are women and this is just as important. This is not to say you cannot criticize other women, but understand the difference between criticizing constructively and tearing down cruelly.
5D. Everybody gossips, so if you are going to gossip about your friends, at least make it fun and interesting. As a corollary, never say “I never lie” or “I never gossip” because you are lying.
5E. Love your friends’ kids even if you don’t want or like children. Just do it.
6. Tell your friends the hard truths they need to hear. They might get pissed about it, but it’s probably for their own good. Once, my best friend told me to get my love life together and demanded an action plan, and it was irritating but also useful.
6A. Don’t be totally rude about truth telling and consider how much truth is actually needed to get the job done. Finesse goes a long way.
6B. These conversations are more fun when preceded by an emphatic “GIRL.”
7. Surround yourself with women you can get sloppy drunk with who won’t draw stupid things on your face if you pass out, and who will help you puke if you overcelebrate, and who will also tell you if you get sloppy drunk too much or behave badly when you are sloppy drunk.
8. Don’t flirt, have sex, or engage in emotional affairs with your friends’ significant others. This shouldn’t need to be said, but it needs to be said. That significant other is an asshole, and you don’t want to be involved with an asshole who’s used goods. If you want to be with an asshole, get a fresh asshole of your very own. They are abundant.
9. Don’t let your friends buy ugly outfits or accessories you don’t want to look at when you hang out. This is just common sense.
10. When something is wrong and you need to talk to your friends and they ask you how you are, don’t say “Fine.” They know you’re lying and it irritates them and a lot of time is wasted with the back-and-forth of “Are you sure?” and “Yes?” and “Really?” and “I AM FINE.” Tell your lady friends the truth so you can talk it out and either sulk companionably or move on to other topics.
11. If four people are dining, split the check evenly four ways. We are adults now. We don’t need to add up what each person had anymore. If you’re high rolling, just treat everyone and rotate who treats. If you’re still in the broke stage, do what you have to do.
12. If a friend sends a crazy email needing reassurance about love, life, family, or work, respond accordingly and in a timely manner even if it is just to say, “GIRL, I hear you.” If a friend sends you like 30 crazy emails needing reassurance about the same damn shit, be patient because one day that’s going to be you tearing up Gmail with your drama.
13. My mother’s favorite saying is “Qui se ressemble s’assemble.” Whenever she didn’t approve of whom I was spending time with, she’d say this ominously. It means, essentially, you are whom you surround yourself with.

Roxane Gay‘s writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Best American Mystery Stories 2014, Best American Short Stories 2012, Best Sex Writing 2012, A Public Space, McSweeney’s, Tin House, Oxford American, American Short Fiction, West Branch, Virginia Quarterly Review, NOON, The New York Times Book Review, Bookforum, Time, The Los Angeles Times, The Nation, The Rumpus, Salon, and many others. She is the co-editor of PANK. She is also the author of the books “Ayiti, An Untamed State,” “Bad Feminist” and “Hunger,” forthcoming from Harper in 2016.

OBSESSED with N.E.R.D & Rihanna - Lemon

Cant Win For Trying

So right now it feels like my life is falling apart. At first I was chalking it up to work stress--a long job with terrible conditions and unrealistic expectations. Then I thought it was because of being sick--unable to work out and unable to feel safe can weigh on you after awhile. And once both those things were under control I thought life would go back to normal.

Instead my stress and anxiety continues to be a problem. I struggle with not being mad a lot; am constantly disappointed in people that I trust and believe in. I feel like I am asking for simple things--do what you say you are doing, be respectful of my time and boundaries and when they are not... I get very frustrated.

But now I am getting blamed for being frustrated. Somehow I am not in the right for being upset if we get lost on a trip I was told was planned out. I am out of bounds for being annoyed that people want to wait and finalize places an hour before. That I am asking too much or not being fair and I am hearing is "I am irresponsible and how dare you hold me accountable for it Rory." "I want to wait and make sure there is no better plan or people to hang out with so you will have to wait until the last moment when I am sure you are my best option Rory"

It is making me start to be extremely resentful of the majority of people in my life. And I know if I treated them the same way, I would NEVER hear the end of it. I would be treated poorly as a result but how dare I do the same.

I do not know what the point of these relationships is any more.

Becoming Weird

I have becoming obsessed with food.... There are days when I am eating totally off the range and then there are nights like this where I feel so guilty about the bad nights that I only eat a can of tuna and a tomato with green beans and coconut water after my five mile run. And I don't know if that is good for me.

I feel like I have been trying to force my body to get somewhere and I don't know if it is cause I want to or all my friends writing about body image and having gastric surgery but I feel like I am keeping my head above water.

But there is the other part of me that says this is good and healthy. That just because I can buy awesome clothes in my size since Plus shops are a thing doesnt mean I shouldn't take care of myself. That I should want to run and workout and eat better because it is good to do so.

The problem is where the definition of the word good is coming from. The doctor/health side or the body image/look sexy in a mirror side. I guess that's the key problem--which is which?

Todays Motivation

Four More Years

Tonight is our fourth anniversary. We usually do something big--we've done Mexico and Ashland and Palm Springs but this year we stayed close to home, easy restaurants and time on the couch with TNN shows...

It can't always be glamorous.

The truth was that this past year was the hardest this far in our marriage. I spent part of the past year sick. Johnno took a position at a startup that seemed more like a stopping point than a job. I worked the hardest position I ever have while making the lowest pay in almost 6 years. We both struggle and sacrificed and it didn't always make us supportive or kind.

A lot of it sucked.

They always say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I always figured it was about changing roles, changing expectations of family and friends, the abandoning of some single behavior and the creation of what the married life would look like. And we were lucky--most of the things that happened that first year (leaving the Dollhouse, moving away from Edie for the first time in 10+ years, husbear losing his job)--were things that were beyond our control. They were a struggle and forced us to face problems head on as a couple.

This was a good thing.

This past year just shook us both in unexpected ways. Losing the show made me insecure about my career and talents, we both struggled with illness and solutions to them, our friendships have shifted and have added distance both physical and emotional. This was the first year where it truly felt like work and it was hard and ugly.

But it also felt necessary. It is easy to make things work when the cash is coming, when the parties are nonstop and everyone is always getting what they want. This year really was about "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"--it was a wakeup call about the work this can be and also a reminder of what we are fighting for.

I'm not going to say I'm not a little bummed about how tonight turned--burgers and 'Major Case' reruns while we ate snacks from 7/11. But I also felt like we deserved it each more, felt each other more and loved each other more... Supposedly the fourth year present is an appliance or electronics--I feel like our gift this was to do a tune-up or two to get everything up and running.

Home Decor Fun

Just a little happiness--I wish I could do something this over the top.

Kaleidoscope

It's been a long time since I last wrote--a year and 10 months and a couple weeks give or take. I never really intended to stop writing but so many things happened at once and I was too scared or worried or raw or nervous to sit down to a keyboard.

It started with my show ending--6 years of 'Lockup' ended in a random phone call after the holiday break. I knew that something was up--the episode order had shrunk but we were going into an election and that was to be expected. But we were filming in a new location and I was FINALLY getting the chance to step up and become more of a story team leader. And we had a great location and a great team and it felt like Jim finally saw me as being good at  my job.

I was so excited and then so very crushed.

And rather than think about what was happening, I went into crisis control. How do I get the most days out of the show, how do I get to be the last one standing and how do I make everyone notice me. I didn't think about how upset I was or what a stumbling block it felt like. I did what I have always done since a child--be good, be perfect and don't let them see you break.

And it worked for the most part. Until it didn't.

I was upset once the show was done and there was no real attempt to move any of the story people to other shows at the company. All the AEs and editors were giving other shows, they moved around some of the support staff but the rest of us ended up with food from Islands and a slap on the back. I don't think I realized how personal I took it until I had some distance...

But I didn't write about it because I couldn't be honest without hurting my career and I couldn't make it  like a roman à clef which could be worse. So I just didn't write at all.

But why not write about something else? Because I was too scared.

During the same time the show was ending, I started having breathing issues. At first I thought it might be panic attacks or stress but my lungs didn't feel right. Then I thought it was my asthma flaring up due to seasonal changes until I blacked out lifting weights on the floor at the apartment.

This was new.

But every doctor I saw thought it was asthma or my weight gain (which happened after I stopped working to due to my blackout) instead of listening to me. It took three trips to urgent care before they took my blood oxygen properly--I had a level of 79 which is VERY BAD. But even after the ER visit they still were not sure--I had inhalers and pills and x-rays and tests. I couldn't walk about half staircases without sounding winded and I spent my time thinking about lung cancer or COPD...

I was so scared and tired I couldn't write.

Eventually my doctor guessed it was possibly untreated bronchitis and after 9 months they put me on aggressive steroids. It took awhile (and I am still not fully recovered) but they think it was that with some new allergies mixed in. I still have times when I can't breathe well and I have to sit or take a moment but I try to force myself forward.

I just wasn't ready for all of this change.

So I had to hide away from the world. Lick my wounds and take some space to resettle in my head and my heart. To heal and get perspective about what was happening around me, to me, for me. And it scared me away from this because I didn't know how to share. I forgot about how so much of this is about honesty and ownership. Of my words and my life.

Sorry if this seems to ramble but I am in the process of still adapting to change. Hopefully this will help--it always has in the past.

.....

It's a work in progress… but guess what it's coming back… It's been over a year and five months since I last wrote and I'm sure you are shivering with anticipation of what's happened… It's been a lot and that's gonna take some time to unpack but the blog shall ride again

Probably with some rebranding