Thursday, February 26, 2009

Quote of the Day

This came from Johnno (the boyfriend) in response to me complaining about his snoring.

"baby take the compliment, you make me SHIVER with anticipation even when I'm unconcious"

Touche kiddo, touche.
Almond Branches in Bloom, San Remy, c.1890

I am not sure why but this picture has been in my head all day. Maybe it is the teal of the sky or the simple lines of the branches but I just find myself reflecting on this randomly.
Quote of the Day

"I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose. "

Margaret Cho's weblog, 03-23-06

For some reason this struck a chord

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Unlikely Man Crush

Just watch

BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

His name is Ely Kim. I think I am in love with him due to his dancing, his dedication and his music choice.

Awesome Dawson
Simple and New

I guess I have a story to share. Before I go there--I have not reviewed my blog to see what else I have said this far about Johnno--so this will be a clean slate of sorts. Because I think I have to start at the beginning if only to give myself structure for a million thoughts running in a million directions.

Johnno and I met on OkCupid.

Ok--that pause was for all my readers to get their snarky comments, anti-web dating complaints and various eye rolls, sighs and associated crap out of the way.

So Johnno and I met on OkCupid. He made sent me a nice interesting email and as someone who has spent time on many a dating website--for various reasons--it was quite novel to get something that seemed to have thought, proper spelling, and grammar all at the same time. After a few days I wrote back, after figuring out a million different ways to respond, and then ended up waiting but not waiting for a response.

Because one of things with on-line dating is that you get used to the weird 'he likes you to flirt but not enough to keep up the effort' so you just kind of go with the flow and if the conversation drives up then you know the person was not really interested. I had just about written Johnno off when he did respond with another longer, well though out and clever missive. He even apologized for being rude for taking so long which showed that he was polite as well.

We did the dance of verbiage back and forth for a while but not enough for me to place any serious stock in it. It was just nice to flirt and be flirted with and just was an extra bounce in my step as I went around with all the motions of holidays and parties and friendships. And he wasn't the only person I was talking with so when the emails stopped coming I wasn't throwing myself across beds or sofas tear streaked--I was just kind of bummed out.

It wasn't until the day before New Year's Eve that I even started to really focus on in on Johnno as someone I wanted to be more focused on. I was reading another guy's flirty email (BTW what is up with straight guys sending me emails? REALLY?!?) when I stumbled across Johnno's last message and reread all of our correspondence thus far. It bummed me out that it had been so long since I had heard from him and I even ended up mentioned it in a handful of conversations.

But what was odd was that VERY day he emailed for the first time in weeks. Johnno explained that he forgotten about my email due to the OK Cupid set up and being home for the holiday and was very apologetic and asked if I had an IM. I did but had taken it down years ago because chatting gets in the way of writing. But I realized that I did like him enough to make a bit more effort if even baby steps.
Now this is where I have to flash forward—because everyone knows how people fall into relationships--I don’t need to bore you with foolish nicknames and sappy songs and off color jokes and clever dialogue that person seems to think they have when stumbling towards dating. The one thing that took me by surprise was how often, and how eerily, Johnno and I would finish each other’s IM messages or make obscure points of reference which not only were caught but volleyed back with ease. We would easily spend 3 to five hours a day just chatting on-line from the first day we started to IMing.

This led to a date or two—which I have amply covered in previous posts—but what I neglected intentionally was how much in synch Johnno and I seem to be. I have never been with someone how could so easily complete my thoughts, who understood and even guessed where I was going before I got there. Someone who uses words like lexicon instead of dictionary or who gets me a Valentine’s Day gift that somehow is exactly the same IDEA that I gave him. I feel like my mind is being read and my heart being felt well before I can even articulate where and what and how I am.

And I won’t lie. It scares the hell out of me. I am not a romantic. I don’t give in or give up easily but somehow I don’t even feel those are options around Johnno. I have few qualms and the ones I do have are about timing and space and how I have to remember not to rush in or squish him with all of my feelings and words and music and touch. And this is not like me; I am the one who hangs back, rolls his eyes at the hokey and never gives in first and yet I have no need for any of that. If you told me that being asked to be someone’s boyfriend would make me teary—I would have asked if I was drunk when it happened.

And yet it did make me teary. And if I am honest with my feelings—without giving away too much—then I need to keep trusting and accepting what is happening. But it scares me because I don’t think I have ever been here before (Which sounds awful and terrible and unfair to Samuel but is truthful and real) and yeah it is early and we haven’t had our fights or our disappointments or our struggles but I have never been even close to this feeling before in my whole life.

But if this is what falling in love feels like then I have been doing it all wrong for years.

It’s just that simple.

I have spent the last week with an unending case of hunger. I'm not sure what this is all about but I have been fighting the urge to eat everything not chained down. It isn't, as Lola suggested, some diet issue about food cravings and it isn't, as Edie suggested, anything to do with my workout plans, but something more.

Because I have been craving things I never want. Like I made myself go out in the pouring rain to get sour cream for chili. I don't like sour cream. I loath the texture and feel guilty about the idea of eating due to how unhealthy it is.

I have made myself hunt down cherry frosted Pop Tarts. Even though I don't like sweet things at all. Even though they can only be found in boxes of six which means I will have to eat the whole box. (eventually. not in a bing way) I even ate one untoasted which is a HUGE waste of a pop tart.

I can't figure out why I am doing this. Nothing in my life should make me feel this empty that all i can do is stuff tings down my throat. I'm on the edge of happy and it is just there for me to jump into.

Unless I'm trying to bulk up to weigh myself down for the pluge. So that if I trust enough to leap at happiness I will make damn sure I sink all the way into it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Quote of the Day

From the Go Fuf Yourself Girls regarding the following picture

"enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that's as near as you're going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep's house next time you're in the neighborhood."

It's not mean if it's true.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

This Will Make Me Cry--Cause I Am So Excited

From Perez Hilton

Hello, Twilight effect?

The CW has reportedly picked up a pilot based on L.J. Smith's book series, Vampire Diaries.

The first book of the series was originally published in 1993.

The books revolve around a young lady who is torn between two vampire brothers, one good and the other evil.

The brothers battle for her soul, and the souls of her small town friends and family.

Would you watch?

I am so excited. This is one of my FAVORITE teen series ever and is so much better (I think) in style, plot, character and pacing than 'Twilight'. I don't even think I could leave the house if this show makes air!

Friday, February 06, 2009

Art Makes Me Wet

The raining is having a free fall this morning. Waking up, I hear raindrops in one ear as the other is still buried in my pillow and I debate what to do with my day. The best thing I can come up with is a bit of excitement at the idea of looking out the window—the park will bright and green with all the water. I like that.

One of my favorite things about the rain is how it makes everything and anything more important in Los Angeles. Like walking to 7/11 is an amazing feat. Going out dancing seems even more risky than normal. People look amazed when you show up places because you BRAVED the rain. It is suddenly like everything is so impressive and intense because of something that means nothing anywhere else in the country.

I think it just sums up Los Angeles. We care so much about art and being creative and ideas and looks and impressions more than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes that is shallow but sometimes I can’t help but love how excited my friends get at certain directors or certain shows at the Getty museum or how much they love to get dressed up. It is kind of key to who I am—interesting but unique to just one corner of the world.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Quote of the Day

From Chloe's blog of days past

"You always hope the mistakes you made with one person turn into successes with the next"

It's true. It is always about hope and faith and pushing to the next chance

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I'm Not-But I Am

I recieved this on my FB page.

It turned me into a puddle. A puddle of sentimental goo...I am NOT a puddle!

And yet I am melted and sticking to the floor whenever I think about the gesture and what he means by it. Maybe I should just learn that being into this is okay. Because I am into this--fears, nerves, wetness and all.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Hope and Highland

So Saturday night happened. I finally met up with Johnno for our first 'real' date after all the on-line flirtations and Ims and story swapping. We were supposed to go to Hooters at Hollywood and Highland (because we is post modern gay boys) but were defeated by an unexpected line for Saturday night in Hollywood. (Obviously post modern does not equal smart.)

So instead we ended up at Mel's dinner where we managed to eat (something I had not been able to do all day) simple sandwiches and twisty fries between bouts of conversation. It was hard to make eye contact because it felt like (for myself) I was dodging around the tension and hope that had been brewing for the last week or so. I didn't want my desire (or my need) for us to be like we are with words and computers to be so obvious now that we were in the same space. And I couldn't tell if he felt the same or if he was just avoiding showing disappointment.

But we managed to survive a meal together without too much awkwardness and some endearing fumbles before Johnno and I headed out into the night. Somehow 'the Hooters/Hollywood is busy' vibe threw me off when it came time to find the next big thing to do and so instead of hitting up Snow White Cafe or maybe trekking over to Spotlight we ended up heading back to my neck of the woods. (Cause it was closer). The plan was to take Johnno over to the Starlight for drinks but I realized that it is a tough bar, a cash bar and a bar most likely to have my drunken roommate possible appear at. None of these options appealed.

So yeah-we stayed in at the Dollhouse. We listened to music and managed to break the ice between us over looks and hands touching and a million little spaces of sound and silence to move us through the evening. It was more than nice but less than amazing--if only because nice sounds cold and amazing sets the bar too high. But I am very hopefully that once I clean up my big mistake from that night that there just might be something more to be had. Not a relationship out of the gate but just the continuation of two people moving towards each other.

I just hope he might feel the same.
From Lucy--which is From Erika Lopez

"as i came out of The Abyss, i decided that if i was going to live and not die, then i would not just be resurrected as a consumer. i wouldn't just take up space and use up a lot of crap. i wanted to be a part of revolutionary change among the idealistic and optimistic. i wanted to take my anger and newfound enthusiasm and make happiness and peace and goodness AGGRESSIVE. i wanted to LOVE AGGRESSIVELY.

the picture of the 115 pound californian yoga teacher sitting on a mat in cool spandex didn't do a thing for me. it wasn't happiness porn.

but the idea of taking a running leap at anyone i love does look like happiness porn for me. and whoever rolls their fucking post postmodern eyes at me will get their tsk tsking little throat ripped out by my teeth.

la la la...

go have a good fucking day. go love someone loudly. and if they roll their eyes or say you're silly, tell them it's a shame they missed the best damn love of the day.

yeah. you all are fucking amazing. now go act like it before you die or someone else dies. be hostile with your affection. yeah. "

Ms. E. Lopez , my hero.

thanks lucy