Friday, July 30, 2004

Ethan Hawke tells all...

SO I read this rather interesting article in "Rolling Stone" where Ethan talks about being a pretenious artist when younger but his response to that claim is that he had to take himself serious asan artist because if the artist doesn't do that then who else will. I guess that thought makes sense, that only we can choose to be an artist and that is we aren't serious about, continue to study our art and work on it regardless of work and social events then we can make great stuff... I wish I could word better what this means but it makes sense on some many more levels...

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

It's amazing.....

It is amazing the lack of words i have right now for the world. I am realizing mmore and more that doing things like this have a responibilty to choose my words carefully and with purpose. It makes sense I guess but then i feel weird when i get tis empty though I think it will be back after the weekend since today is my FRIDAY.... So we'll see where it goes...

On side note, as part of my artist program I have to try new things and for my pornstar dream job I did---welll let's just say that there are naked pix of my somewhere on the world wide web. (And before you ask, they are tastlefull bit not enough to tell you where they are.)

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Let me yawn....... let me yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn.... (to the theme of thong song)

Threee hours of sleep people...three hours. I feel a little like Nic Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas". Honestly now. But good drinks last night, fun dinner and just all around good times for the usual crew. It is funny when the most boring of things become a better time then you thought. I just hope that I don't smell like Liza coming out of detox. Really now people. I just hope so.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

The Last 48 Hours.

So in the last 48, I have managed to accomplish some of my best goals... Black sneakers, black flip flops and a new coloene. it is so that these things make me so happy but I am at times a shallow beast of sorts and like to have a lot for my bag of tricks. That's about it at the moment--well that and with the help of a little Sun-In and I have jumped up a blond touch or too and have cheated more on my diet than any of ex-boyfriends... But that's it for now...

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

The eyes have it-

So as of late, there has been an odd trend of my getting e-mails from my various personal ads commenting on my eyes. I guess, at least in pictures that they are a presense to be reckoned with. This has made me start to take stock of my status as a viable dater.

The truth of the matter is I should most likely take down my ads. I have had more than a handful of responses over the past couple of months but have barely even pursued it. Bewteen being jobless (I don't want soemone to pay my way--if oonly because i would feel like I should put out.) the weight gain (which has started to go as of late due to lack of carbs in my life) and just a feeling of not being social acceptable (this mostly due to the car issue).

But the real quesstion is hwy don't I feel ready? I get very worked up at points about the lacck of "gayneess" to my life and yet i do nothing to change this status. I can't tell if it a lack of believe in love, a general uncertainess or the fact that I don't feel "cute" enough. (i say cute because i am not a sexy beast and have dealt with this issue more than a blackdealer deals cards.) part of me wants to explore the problem but part of me says "keeep on trucking".

I wonder often if I am the only one with this hang up. This feeling of just not being enough to really try for someone else. And while I have momments of brief flirtation at the ned of the day I just can't seem to get in with. But who knows? Maybe I am still hopiing that the right guy will shows up in my 11th grade english on the nice Harley while the soundtrack to "grease 2" plays over the intercom. Because if that happened then i would just up on board.

Monday, July 19, 2004

A final thought...

Okay, so I forget sometimes how many people bother to read this little thing of mine and so I am surprised when a somewhat inoocent thought becomes a catalyst for larger debate... That being said, this will be the last post to involve the phrase gilrs' weekend for a while.

What I have come to realize is that I am not the only one who can be hurt by this type of situtation. I now know that there are others who feel left out, pushed aside of group outings for many reasons--for me, I have felt it was a gay thing but for others it can be that they don't drink, or one person doesn't want them around or as simple as people not knowing that certain others want to be included. I guess, the truth of the matter is that one can't be everywhere, doing everything with everyone. You have to realize that sometimes you aren't invited to the party and that is okay. What you have to learn is how to speak up when you felt hurt ot left out or done wrong.

I'm not pushing for drama, if I was then I would be more aggressive in letting these posting become common knowledge. I guess what I am pushing is for honesty. I know that I have pushed my case with the girls involved a long time back and so it is now my choice to either accept or move on. It is my question alone and though I love the support--it is my own thing.,

But for the others who feel this way--it is your choice to speak out and say something. Though I know who you are and how you feel.... You can't say you are left out till you ask to be let in.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Tired boy

So I have been better.... Still chasing off sickness with a big stick and wonder how far I will get with it. Outside of that though, life has been okay if somewhat dull. I am still pissed about Skylar having my cd's and wonder what the hell Kelly was thinking when she did that... Tis stupid I know but I am who I am....

I am also really missing sex at the momment and need to have some soon... Sorry to be so blunt but that is where my head (teehee) is at..

Friday, July 16, 2004

This is What  Cheered Me Up.
I posted a comment, but I guess it didn't take, but I wanted to let you know that I find it rather odd that if the girls were gonna have a girl weekend, why they would invite you since you're probably the rock that they lean on the most for emotional support.  Just because you have some random flap o' skin dangling between your legs doesn't mean you don't "get" the female mind or psyche and it's not like you don't know how to play fashion show or gossip about boys or talk about how boys suck.
hanging with rick and ben on sunday before i left was nice.  i went on about how I don't have any girl friends up in SF.  not any that are consistent, anyway. and i don't really dig the idea of a "girl only" outing.  I think I would like to be surrounded by people who enjoy each other with the least amount of drama regardless of sex.  Sure your sex may dictate SOME of your thinking on issues, but it doesn't say who you are in total.
my friends up here are comprised of straight and gay males with one or two girls who dot the landscape of my everyday life.  there are advantages to each.  i'm realizing that guys will be more upfront and honest with you about how frumpy you look or if you're being a baby.  I need that in my life.  the girls i know are the few in the city who aren't complete scenesters (hipster-lame) or catty bitches with 5 pairs of black pants from Express.
My friend malcolm is working on a book called "The Ordinary People Experience", which is basically a book about how people are just people regardless of everything that makes them different. 
I dunno.  your post made me a little sad.  I hate things that segregate...even in miniscule ways.  I just don't see the point in it
Cute boys 101

So i am sick, tired and just plain run down. But there is an upside to the being up at 6 am..... There are two very cute boys at work this morning and i get eye candy because of this.... One is Joshua from story, perfect boy except that I am not vene related to this type. And of course, ther is Chance with the mowhawk and bright and shiny traits. I just take turns looking at both of them and it makes realize that there is at least a reason to be up--if not awake.... (LOL)

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Girl Weekend Blues....

okay. So i'm gonna bitch. Just a little and it is not appriorate but whatever.... Deal.... I guess I'm just annoyed about this entire girl weekend trend. I just feel like it is one of the few that I am ever excluded from my friends lives and I know it is not about me but still... It just makes me feel like an outisder which is something that happens every so often.

the truth is that my life is packed with a lot of close female friends that help me get through most of my shite. And I really don't have many close male friends and even less , as in no, gay friends. And so the few times that lines get made in my world I just get annoyed. And no one feels like I do.

i know that, to some degree, I made this life of my choice and as such I have no right to be upset when I am left behind. But even still... I can't ignore this feeling of just being left out. And so I think about making changes to my life of a large scope, what drives me sometimes, is to just get away from the loniness and maybe find a place where I can belong.

THis isn't meant to be a diss about my male friends, I do love Davis, Willis, Jeremiah and even Dominic but it is not the same thing and I just wish that at least once i could be included in the fun of an out of town, just my close friends hanging out in a different space. But maybe i want tot much.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004


Triumphn of man over machine...... i figured out ho to do my blog from BB. Nothing more exciting than that but still.... it's life's little pleasure....

Monday, July 12, 2004

She Moved on Up...

GOODBYE WEEZIE: Actress Isabel Sanford — aka Louise "Weezie" Jefferson from The Jeffersons — has died at 86. On July 4, she was hospitalized at L.A.'s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where she passed away on Friday with her daughter at her side. Sanford's health reportedly had been in decline since undergoing surgery on a neck artery last year. Back in 1981, Sanford was the first African-American woman to receive an Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. Most recently, the beloved TV personality did The Simpsons, as well as popular ad campaigns for Old Navy and Denny's restaurants.

I don't know about you but I wonder if they will play "Moving On Up" at the memorial....
Life as lived now.

So I feel bad. Mostly because I didn't get to see much of Lucy and Chloe this past weekend.Work has slow taken over parts of my life and limiting my social window.

But it was a nice dinner made by Chloe this past Thursday and lovely to at least see Lucy face briefly. It is a little odd to realize how much we know about each other without talking due tio our blogs but I realized what I miss most of all are the small details of Lucy and Chloe in person. Their smiles and jokes and even the way they hug. If only Razzer hadn't be so antinsocial then I could have more.

Then on Weds of last week I went with Ruby for coffee and blue grass music. We started at Starbucks and even managed a great conversation of sorts about our lives and not just art. I miss the little details sometimes that get lost when we just meet for PADWAD.

Then we hit scary crazy downtonw for some blue grass with Lee, Ruby's friend from her acting group. It was a fun and somewhat scary dive,most because of the rampant homeless and nerdowells wandering the streets. But the band was amazing and well worth the efort.

Then Kirby and I went to see a movie, "Saved" and just hang out and be seeing. That girl is fun times and I love how we can laugh and enjoy the same things. It was even better to sit and watch her film the next, I just it getting better and better each change. It is nice to have a friend so talented.

On top of that, I feel that the diet is taking effect as poundsseem to go away a little bit each day. That and the walking seem to help more and more. Hopefully it will keep going this strong as the show continues.

And now I have to figure out boystuff. Bewteen Mike from the e-mail world, TJ from myspace and other random guys from yahoo personals... Well, maybe the dating will start sooner than later.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

At 4 in the morning...

There is a certain point during this new shift of 21 to 7am at which I just feel useless. It's afterb the hg go to sleep and I realize that for 3-4 hours a night I am getting paid to monitor bathroom breaks, sleep talking and snoring. There isn't much to do there, the internet is mostly blocked or I' write here everyday.... The most interesting part is that I find myself making up things to keep me going through the evening. The best thus far has been staring at Chance, this guy who works on the show. He is rather bright and shiny and not really my type but seems quite fun. I wondered for an hour what it would be like to kiss him... (which I hope was just part of the boredom.) Outside of that... I have to find things to do to stay up... Tired writing and reading and neither seemed to work.... Suggestions?
At 4 in the morning...

There is a certain point during this new shift of 21 to 7am at which I just feel useless. It's afterb the hg go to sleep and I realize that for 3-4 hours a night I am getting paid to monitor bathroom breaks, sleep talking and snoring. There isn't much to do there, the internet is mostly blocked or I' write here everyday....

The most interesting part is that I find myself making up things to keep me going through the evening. The best thus far has been staring at Chance, this guy who works on the show. He is rather bright and shiny and not really my type but seems quite fun. I wondered for an hour what it would be like to kiss him... (which I hope was just part of the boredom.)

Outside of that... I have to find things to do to stay up... Tired writing and reading and neither seemed to work.... Suggestions?

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Boys like me..... Yeah

I got the notion.

Things have been going okay on this end. I have been working a lot, for too little money, and trying to, ya know, figure out what to do with the rest of my life. All-in-all, minor stuff.

Where do you do poetry night? I have some friends that perform at Co-lab-oration once a's a lot of fun though a bit much at times. It's at this place in Santa Monica, the name escapes me as I haven't been able to go for the last few months...which makes this a lame story.

I find that I am stalling and not saying that I would like to get together sometime over coffee, or a beer...even though I just did. Let me know if you are down with that next week sometime...I have a houseguest in town as of Friday so I am indisposed for the weekend.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Ruby....this is for you...Damn Hotmail

I'm working the night shift... Haven't seen anyone I know in days... But maybe soon? Like tomorrow or Thurs... Meeting soon too?
Fell off the Diet

SO the show has been great in helping me save money and working out morebut the diet is very hard.... I fell into a trap made by white chocolate peanutbutter cups... Sigh, sigh.I just want to drop ten pounds and not gain another ten...

Saturday, July 03, 2004

BB has landed....

BB has landed and taken me hostage... WHile fun and filled with good people, it takes my time and runs off with. I am still trying to keep up with my writing and other social events but we'll see...Wish meluck.

Friday, July 02, 2004

You know...

You know life is strange whenyou get attacked by a balloon at Bob's Big Boy, see you hometown on "Cold CaseFiles" and see all you friends in about 48 hours...oddness rains supremme and I'm loving it all.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Cheesy But...

When things in your life seem almost too much to
> handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
> remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...
> A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
> some items in front of him. When the class began,
> wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
> mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
> balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
> They agreed that it was.
> So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
> poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
> The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
> golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
> jar was full. They agreed it was.
> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
> it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
> everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
> full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
> The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
> under the table and poured the entire contents into
> the jar, effectively filling the empty space between
> the sand. The students laughed.
> "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "
> I want you to recognize that this jar represents your
> life. The golf balls are the important things-your
> God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and
> your favorite passions-things that if everything else
> was lost and only they remained, your life would still
> be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter
> like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is
> everything else-the small stuff.
> "If you put the sand into the jar first," he
> continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
> golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
> your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
> never have room for the things that are important to
> you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to
> your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to
> get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.
> Play another 18. There will always be time to clean
> the house and fix the disposal."
> Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
> really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just
> sand."
> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
> the coffee represented.
> The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
> goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
> seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of
> coffee with a friend."