Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Word of the Day

Postinteresting = sarcastic word describing something as so boring that it could have never been interesting. Example

"Julie's interview with Eric was so postinteresting I changed the channel to a test pattern."
I'm Not Even My Own Perfect Match

It's a little disturbing that even with my own personal ad that I am not my own perfect match. Like there are other people better matched for me over myself which then makes me wonder if I am not even interested in myself then who would be interested in me? And I am not sure how I don't match up with myself but I prefer to not dwell on this--I guess.

But it is a little disturbing.

And it also makes me doubt the matchmaking software used by this particular website.

Monday, August 29, 2005

I Wanna Be A Brian...

So I have been watching a lot of "Queer As Folk" lately--American version--the one birthday present I bought myself this year. This brings back some odd memories of my past with Enrique and his roommate Mickey and our weird relationship--which all started around the same time as "QAF" did.

The thing about "QAF" is when it started it was trendy to compare yourself to one of the boys of the show--Michael who is the sweet but clueless fool, Justin the freshly out little siren and the finally Brian the sexy, dirty, break your heart guy. After each episode we would talk about the stories and what was going on and make little comparisons to ourselves.

I, of course, wanted to be like Michael and be all cute and romantic and the sweet guy next door. Enrique and Mickey always swore I was like Justin--a bratty little blond who runs around and raising hell--which is secretly cool because it's like wanting to be Samantha and being told that you are a Carrie ala "Sex in the City". It's cool because that is what everyone wants to be like. (I also proved my Justin tendencies by working way through an apartment sexually.)

Watching the show now--I see things a bit different. I see that the point of Michael is that he is a fool and that he is not really meant to be happy--at least at first. Justin is madly in love with a guy he can't love and is naive enough to believe that sex and sarcasm will make it all work out.

But Brian is the one who I get the most now. He walks through the show with no qualms about what he wants--he may be blunt and shallow but he is also the most honest when it comes to his feelings and what he is. When Brian breaks Justin's heart the first season it is actually an act of kindness because Brian knows he can't be what Justin needs.

Something I can see now is that while Michael is running around and taking care of everyone and being sweet and kind and Justin is all about being in love and figuring it out and being awkward and greedy and then there is Brian. Brian makes no apologies for who he is and what he wants--even if it is sex or money or loyalty. Brian owns his choices and his mistakes in a way that no one around him does.

I used to find the idea of Brian upsetting and awful and just kind of off but now I can see the value of being like that. Of owning what you want, being true to who you are and not needing it to fulfill anything for anyone else. Realizing that you are the only one who can make yourself happy for sure and that it is fine to be like that.
Random Acts of Kindness.

So I was walking yesterday--in the heat when suddenly Skylar drove up and offered me a ride. This is an odd event if only because I am always under the impression that one of us doesn't like the other. I am beginning to wonder if I am right about anyone any more--hmm...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A Big Old Bag of Fuck You!!!!

I had a moment last night when I almost told a friend of mine to fuck off--to her face and in front of others. This is not something that I normally do but I have had just about enough of certain people judging me and making snarky comments and this person in particular has no right to criticize me at all given the mess that is her life.

I guess I am just tired of selfishness of certain people who make everything about them all the time and then act surprised when people don't want to put up with their shit. I have little sympathy for anyone at the moment and the little I have is proportional to what I have been given as of late. In other words--

I don't care what you think or why you think it and hey--let me know when you get your head out of your own ass. And don't tell me how to feel regarding anything but especially regarding other people. You aren't that great or that clever.

Get over yourself.

Friday, August 26, 2005

An accidental Night Out.

So last night was fun--not intended--but what can you do? After a fun day at work I decided to hit the bookstore and hunt for something new and interesting for me to read. Several hours later I had barely found book to even given pause but I made my way out with 2 books. Imagine my surprise when as leaving I literally walked right into Charity--there to spend a gift cart on audio books and hunt for dollar deals. It was a pleasant surprise.

Afterwards we went out to find some food and ended up having ice cream and chai tea while just catching up about life and her mom and possibly trips we might make in the future. It was a nice calming night of sorts and so much fun to just be able chill and just enjoy the night and some good conversation.

if course things got weird because I was spotted by benji and his crazy friend Sybil as they were on there way to dinner. I kind of ignored the situation but she see them spying on us somewhat--out of the corner of my eye. If asked why I am out with an older Asian woman I plan to pass her of as my sexual therapist. Or my mom.... Good times regardless.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sex Tension Is...

Going to the nap room at work because you're tired and finding your crush (Chance) getting into bed and the awkward beat where you both stare at each other but neither can leave because too obvious so you both go "to sleep" but there is an unnatural stillness do to the fact that you are both overly aware of each other.

Thus neither gets real sleep.

Every day becomes more "Studio City 91604".
Quote of Week.

Regarding Chance and the Never Ending Crush.

Me "i shouldn't love him. He's a monkey. Monkeys don't love anything."

Shelly "They love poo."

Me "Great. Make me feel better."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

This is Evil!!!

This is for all my peeps who want to know what celebs they look like--distrubing and evil and hours of fun


Be forwarned--it said I had elements of Jackie Chan.
There Seems to Be Some Kind of Confusion…

The events of last week—the 18th—were all my fault. I am an emotional person and the choices made about my drinking that night were not anyone’s fault but my own. I know that it might have seemed otherwise with my blog entry regarding that night but that’s not the case.

1) I can get self-destructive at times—like that night.

2) I can ignore the best impulses—like I did that night.

3) I can be careless with my mouth and what I put in it—like I did that night.

4) I cannot stop myself even when I know I should—like that night.

All I can say is that I have to own a lot of what I did that night and that’s fine and true and what happened. No fault by my own.

But there was a lot of fun things that happened.

1) Like the fun dinner at Le Fritte with my girls Kelly, Edie, Ali, and Valeska and how we should do more meals out like that at fun cool places.

2) Laughing through the pain as we realized that the bar we were at was having karaoke.

3) Slow dancing with Ruby to really bad slow songs as a crowd of annoying Valley girls swarmed the bar.

4) The fact that said bar seemed to be cloning out guys somewhere outside and that I have to bring all my single female friends there—Lola, that means you.

5) The moment I realized that we were all getting into the swing of the night as Valeska and I both sang along from our chairs to some 50 year old woman doing Alanis—or was it country?

6) Lizzie singing a very dirty ‘happy Birthday’ ala Marilyn Manson—I mean—Monroe

7) Realizing that my friends were all there with me and having a grand time.

I just wanted to clear these things up because it isn’t fair to take away the good or the bad—it lies with me and I guess that’s it. Hopefully people can try and respect that.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


BAL .20%: You feel confused, dazed, or otherwise
disoriented. You need help to stand up or walk. If you
hurt yourself at this point, you probably won't
realize it because you won't feel pain. If you are
aware You've injured yourself, chances are you won't
do anything about it. At this point you may experience
nausea and/or start vomiting (keep in mind that for
some people, a lower blood alcohol level than .20% may
cause vomiting). Your gag reflex is impaired, so you
could choke if you do throw up. Since blackouts are
likely at this level, you may not remember any of

BAL .25%: All mental, physical, and sensory functions
are severely impaired. You're emotionally numb.
There's an increased risk of asphyxiation from choking
on vomit and of seriously injuring yourself by falling
or other accidents.

BAL .30%: You're in a stupor. You have little
comprehension of where you are. You may suddenly pass
out at this point and be difficult to awaken. (But
don't kid yourself: Passing out can also occur at
lower BALs. But, at lower blood alcohol levels, you
may decide You've had enough to drink and go "pass
out." With an alarming BAL like .30%, your body will
be deciding to pass out for you.) In February 1996, an
18-year-old student died of alcohol poisoning with a
BAL of .31% after attending two parties the night

BAL .35%: This blood alcohol level also happens to be
the level of surgical anesthesia. You may stop
breathing at this point. In February 1996, a second
student, age 20, died of alcohol poisoning with a BAL
of .34% after drinking six beers and twelve shots in
two hours.

BAL .40%: You are probably in a coma. The nerve
centers controlling your heartbeat and respiration are
slowing down, s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n, s-l-o-w-i-n-g
d-o-w-n. it's a miracle if you're not dead. In April
1994, a 21-year-old student died of alcohol poisoning
with a BAL of .40% after a Hell Night party.
Music Fun--or guess who is on the night shift?

Songs that Make Me...


-Tell Me Something Good (Rufus)

- Sir Duke (Steve Wonder)

- Cherchez la Femme/Se Si Bon (Dr. Buzzard's Original
Savannah Band)

- Make Your Kind of Music (Cass Elliot) 

- Every Ghetto, Every City (Lauryn Hill)

Want to cry?

- Your Love Brings Me down (Scott Weyland)

- China (Tori Amos)

- Touch Me in the Morning (Dianna Ross)

- Violet (Hole)
- In My Solitude (Billie Holiday)


-Cigarettes and Chocolate milk (Rufus Wainwright)
- Dream A Little Dream of Me. (Mamas and the Papas)
- Highway One (Justin Catilano)
- Killing me Softly (The Fugees)
- Leaving on a Jet Plane (Chantal Kreviazuk)

Want to dance?
- 40 boys in 40 nights. (The Donnas)
- Crazy in love (Beyonce)
- You Make Me Feel like Dancing (Leo Sayer)
- Xanaduax (Olivia Newton John)
Brass In Pocket (The Pretenders)

Think of someone special?
-Come What May (Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman)

- Ex-factor (Lauryn Hill)

- Simple Kind of Life (No Doubt)

- Flower (Pansy Division)

- Welcome to the World (Cass Elliot)

Want to sing along?

-Islands in the Stream (Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton)

-If I could Read Your Mind (54 All Stars)

-Groove is in the Heart (Dee Lite)

-Cool Like That (Digable Planets)

- I Like the Drugs—But the Drugs Don’t like Me (Marilyn Manson)

More to add later

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Boy Comes Undone

Some people have a party on their birthday—some go on a trip---but I go to the hospital.


And there are a lot of ways to look at the scenario that led me there. I could talk about not eating anything for most the day, I could talk about how people kept buying my drinks, I could talk about how smoking on the patch makes one sick, could talk about some people driving me nuts and making me upset which led to more drinking or I could just own up.

There was too much booze flowing and I had to much and I am very grateful that Missy Shaun and Neddy did what they did even though I wish I remembered meeting the paramedics. That and I wish I could have saved my shirt. But I’m fine…

The legal limit is .1something something and my was . 45…. No drinking—no drinking with certain people—no drinking for a while. Good times.

I guess this stuff doesn’t stop with your 20s.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Quote of Day

'the reading of all good books is like a conversation with the best people of past centuries

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Book Whore

This week’s book is the highly under done “Third and Heaven” by Ben Patrick Johnson—best known as voice of “Entertainment Tonight”. The book says it’s the story of 4 best friends and their L.A. lives as hashed over at their favorite restaurant located at the corner of—say it with me—Heaven and Third.

The book seems promising at first with four interesting characters and their very LA lives. Each story is a combination of L.A. disengagement and how the Hollywood dream is lived with day to day. The story is about depression, fame, love and dreams and how they interweave the lives of Claire, Ritchie, Freddy, and Joshua.

The problem with the book as the stories progress there is a strange lack of details and depth in the characters and their plots. Some scenes are so well played that they are nearly magical and powerful without being too much but unfortunately these moments are paired with huge leaps of logic or startling with the lack of follow through. Even worse is when details are dropped and suddenly thrown in such as the race of one character, which isn’t even mentioned till the character leaves the plot, and the reader is left scratching their head.

I guess the fatal fall of the book is that the friendships don’t even feel real. Certain characters are just unlikable and mean and rude and you never understand way anyone would talk with them much less spend a day each week with them. And this paired with a few go nowhere plots and sudden moments of realization to make the ending work---well let’s just say this book is more Third then Heaven.
The value of me

I have been working things out within myself as late and just taking the time to get it all together. It’s weird and I know it has a lot to do with my birthday coming up but I am slowly put all the pieces in their place and making choices to grow up and move forward. I’m tired of the current way of things and so I am looking into what I need to make my happiness happen. It’s being aware of my good points and my bad and figuring out what I need for the right things to happen. It’s the gym and the look and the work and the friends and the bad habits and seeing what needs to stay and needs to go. I guess I’m trying to be honest and move forward.

It’s hard but working.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

They Like Us--They Really Like Us!!

5 stars
"Lives up to its promises." by Kay Jackson: The program notes promise stories to make you laugh and
cry and this collection of short works from seven different writers absolutely delivers. These slices of
life are poignant, honest and often hysterically funny. The four young actors expertly portray a range
of characters and play well off one another. Beautiful writing and top notch acting--this show should be on
everyone's must see list.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Thiss is The Stuff That Gets Me in Trouble

So last night I saw a very cute boy out and about whom I have written about several times here in my blog. We hadn’t met face to face but did--by chance--last night. I don’t even now how to feel about this except to say that he is much more cute than I thought. And gives good hugs. Outside of that I will probably just get myself into trouble so I'll just say I enjoy my walk home last night-a bit of a smile on the face.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This I Didn’t Do This Faux Weekend

Went to the movie theatre--did not see a film.

Went to bowling alley--did not bowl.

Ate at burger place--got the chicken.

Drank at gay bars (yes two in same night)--with a friend who doesn’t dirnk.

Had a disargeement--did not fight.

But I did do a lot of people watching. Fun times people--really fun times!!!!
That Magic Moment

So I had one of those odd moments yesterday--I was just smoking and hanging out and I saw this rather cute boy and he saw me too. We had that weird moment when our eyes locked and there we were--seeing each other outside of context. This happens from time to time with me. The entire possibilty of the relationship with that person just flashes thorugh in a blink--the first kiss, the holding hands, that wierd mooment after sex when you feel your most unsafe, that moment when they laugh and you se their eyes light. All just right fthrough my head in moment’s pause.

And he went on his way and I went on mine but we both felt that moment. Weird.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Am I Normal?

Solitude does strange things to you. I guess feel like I haven’t seen much of anyone in awhile and it makes me over think things. The state of my life, where it is going and how it all works out. I know that I’m not perfect but I just wonder how far I am from it.

And this is not about my friends or being fat or worrying about money or how much I have to write or do. I just wonder what is going on and what it all means. Whether I am happy or should I be making changes or what I really am going after and how I can get. I find myself comparing myself to my parents and my friends and most of all my own goals.

These thoughts came from various places—from the success of my last 24-hour show and seeing exactly what I want on stage with the help of my dearest friends Ruby and Kirby and what that means for my next step. Whether to do a play or a full-length script and where it can go from there. How my thought process might be skewed from all my nit picking and neuroses that come through not only in my writing but also in the things I do. If I am capable of going after a relationship at all even though I have learned that the type of guy I like does exist and while I might never be with the guy who showed me that I know that he can’t be the only.

I wonder if I am normal and doing things the right way or just think I am. But what worries me most is that when I sit down to think it through I don’t know what that word truly means. Maybe there is no ‘real’ definition and that is what worries me most. If I don’t know what it is then how can I get it?
Quote of the Week

RE Lola's inner blackness and her bi-racial crush Wentford Miller

"You're Black like he is--white on the outside and Black on the inside. You listen to rap and yet shop at Urban Outfiter--dance in Compton but would never live there."