Face Is Bruised
Tonight I fell on my face. Not literally but in the metaphysical sense. I had 3 cigarettes with BB people. I should not have. At all. No excuses.
But what I learned tonight is how emotionally manipulative I am. I had one of those moments with Johnno where I presented different options of what to do in a situation but in my heart there was only one answer. I tried to gently tried to push and pull him towards doing what I wanted but when it didn't work out I felt myself get angry! Super angry.
And I realize I do this all the time. It is a test without knowing. Awful.
At least I was about to acknowledge the mistake and was processing it through as I headed out for the night. I had plans to stop by the BB show for a glass of wine before heading down the street to Kato's birthday party. I did well around the temptation and managed to get in and out easily
I then hit up the birthday where I had a couple of drinks and some fried cauliflower. I made some conversation with the birthday boy and his wife, with Ali and Kelly and Thomas before deciding it was time to head home. I was tired but needed the walk.
And this is where it went off the rails. I walked past the BB bar where everyone was clearing out and managed to get talked into having "one more drink" with them. Now there some people like Bumble and Nina who I had not seen yet so I did honestly want to catch up. But this led to more than one drink and to 3 cigarettes.
Right now I hate myself. The only high point is that i did stop at 7/11 on way back and grabbed water and a bag of chips. The idea of buying smokes never entered my head.
Do I need a sponsor?