Seriously

For two hours last night I fell apart. Like the edge of all insanity and sadness and whatever you think that feeling might encompass. It was so hard for me to just keep myself together and while I did want to talk about it--I realized I didn't trust talking about with the people I was with. Which is horrible on so many levels.

I just have felt very much a hot mess at points. The New Years Eve party at my house caused me to freak out on some levels but not the expected ones. I wasn't upset by the guest list issues but by the fact I couldn't cook--because I have NEVER bothered to learn how. I just felt so incapable and not in a Bridget Jones way but in a 'stupid way'.

Then there is the neverending novel issues. I had plans to have certain parts done by New Years--which didn't happen. Then I made a goal to have certain parts done by the start of my new job--which will not happen. (Unless I either stop time or ignore everything. Neither is a real option) And since my goal to make up for the selfless-ness (word?) of 2008 I had decided to just really focus on myself for the back end of the year and going into the new year with a continued focus. I just feel like if I am not careful I will continue to not make my goals. (Though Samuel has been a HUGE help in all of this.)

It didn't help that I am not at ALL happy with my job situtation. I did take a job without really pushingh for information--which was stupid and I KNOW better--because I allowed the idea of working with people I like to trump any common sense. It doesn't help that the few people I have dealt with thus far have been IDIOTS and have MISLED me on pieces of information. I mean-I knew it wouldn't be great but wasn't expecting all this crap--the location being different than I was lead to believe (which makes getting there HARD), the money being so low for a SUCCESSFUL NETWORK SHOW (the least amount of money I have made since being the DRAMA DIRECTOR at a SUMMER PROGRAM), and just the general misinformation and stupidity of the people I have dealt with thus far.

LE SIGH

And of course there is a guy that I like... It is making me crazy. He and I started flirting off and on on OkCupid before Thanksgiving and now we have started IMing. We just have weird, yet silly, long conversations--but I can't tell if we are really flirting or just playing at flirting. Then I wonder if I have ever really been good at flirting which leads me back to the 'bitch' comment on got on the night before NYE... (The story--I went out with Ali for cocktails and she ended up making friends with some strangers there--it was fun until one guy asked if I was a bitch. Because I didn't seem to be fun at all. It was AWESOME!) It wouldn't have phase me as much if I had not--last year actually--gotten the same comment from someone I know about how much of a bitch I come off as when people first me.

So there is one part of me that is worried that I can't make things work with this guy on-line (in terms of just getting somewhere) and there is another part of me that is overthinking how I come off when I go out because apprently I am just a BITCH.

Not that I have been going out much. I have been really self aware of my weight gain between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve which has less to do with eating choices and more to do with, once again, throwing my back out briefly. So now I am constantly paraniod about how easy it has been to retrigger my back issues--even though I have been doing and trying different things--and how I just want to get back to the weight I was at at the end of BB 10. Not that I have gone double wibe or anything--its me just being afraid to push so I don't hurt myself again but also really wanting to see results because now that i know I can have them--I want them back.

I guess the crux of my situtation is that what I have always found to be very 'clever' about myself is now seeming like weakness. The not cooking, the not getting enough of the novel, trusting my career choices, the playful non-flirting/flirting, the bitchness, the self awareness... Suddenly it seems like these are all weak points as opposed to strengths.

I just don't know right now. Really.