Monday, June 14, 2010

Wanting More

Here is me

As you can see--I have spent a lot of time working on my stomach. I find myself at points getting caught up in the idea of my abs. To work on them more and more each day and if I skip a few days of working on them I get kind of let down with myself.

One of the things I constantly worry about is how far I can take my self image issues. I have spent the better part of the last year really working on my eating habits and changing a lot of elements to my diet. I barely eat sugar, most carbs are off the table and I even gave up caffiene

That was the hardest

The thing is I don't really miss most of those things anymore. Losing close to 50 pounds can do that to--makes you not want the cake or the soda or that full piece of pizza. I'm proud of the hard work and yet when i slip and fall i find myself very upset about what seems my abilty to sabatoge all my good work. I don't know why I do this but suspect it is a safety move-a way of stopping myself from getting to hung up on trying to be thinner and better and a way to say to myself you'll be fin either way

But then why do i feel so guilty?

I guess because for the first time in my life I feel like I can walk around shirtless and not feel awkward. Even at my thinnest in college and early LA I still felt like my body wasn't enough, that I didn't have it the right way and now I am learning that there is no right way. that if I want to feel good about it then I have to put in the work and cut out the extra. It is nice when I can wear a swimsuit that makes everyone talk about how much i have changed. it's nice to see the reaction of people who haven't seen me for a while

But what i have to do is balance my need for validation with a need for healthy awareness. To know that what i want is okay if i keep at it the heathly way. that it is okay to be proud of what I have done and can be.

That it's not looking at the picture that is the problem

It's letting the picture become all I see.

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