The Best Laid Plans
I am not a good planner. I think things through too much and get caught up in the details or I go so far beyond what is possible that I cannot possibly achieve it. I hate this about myself. I need to try and change.
The other night i tried to plan a date night for Johnno. He had been sick recently and his work schedule was asking for over nights. So I decided that we needed a night out on the town and worked out a game plan. a game plan that fell completely through.
And instead of just rolling with the change in the plan i grew frustrated and what was supposed to be a fun night out became about me being a cranky pants. I was snappish and short tempered and negative. I wasn't much fun and i definitely was making good memories with the boys.
I tried to figure out what this was about--why I couldn't stop myself. I realized that what i was most worried about is that i am not a good boyfriend. I'm not awful, i can be fun and charming and I try to be generous. But I worry.
I worry that I am not as good as Johnno deserves--that he is so sweet and giving, funny and outgoing that he will one day see that he can have a relationship without the stress and the nerves. that he will see me as high maintenance and high strung so I try desperately to do things that will show how much he matters and how much better i can make his life.
But it doesn't always work.
What i need to do is learn that the plans don't make the relationship work. That what I have to do is be more giving and flexible, be more open and honest than creating things and scenes and memories. I have to learn to trust more in the day to day and work on myself being more able to enjoy it.
That should be the plan.