Sunday, December 20, 2009

Gift of the Magi?

I'm terrified. Johnno is alseep in bed behind me; it has been a long night of Griffith Park Lights, packing for Seattle, and preparing for our Chirstmas tomorrow morning. I am tired and should be sleeping but can't.

See we are exchanging gifts tomorrow.

This scares the crap out of me. I don't like presents, not because I don't want anything but because it means so much. I am worried that what I am giving is not enough. I don't know if it is normal but I have a irrational fear of gifts. Always have, always will.

Because on some level I believe a gift says so much. Not about your feelings for the person (or them to you) but about how you see that person. Whether it is a cute piece of clothing or paperback novel, music that you think they will like or some off beat item you stumbled across--it on some level shows what you think of the person, what you think matters to them, what you believe they value.

And I am not sure that I am giving the right things to Johnno. Things that show how much I love him, how I need him in my life, or how much he has changed mine. I know that he loves me and I love him but I can't help but wonder if he'll see that in the things I managed to choke into boxes and wrapping paper. I hope that it is--on some level--enough.

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