......

 hi.

so i guess i am back here again--trying to use words and place to figure out my head. i havent in a long time and im not sure why i stopped. life got busy? i was happy? i dont think those were the reasons but my judgement has been off for a while.

and now i am spinning out. i feel like i have lost a bit of myself with my career seemingly bottoming out. and not in  a fun way. i havent worked since last july--i have have just been running in place and bing surprised nothing is happening. and you can blame the strikes or streaming or monopolies but the work has dried up and i am standing in dead river bends. it would make sense if i did something wrong, got a show sued or blew out a budget but that is not what happened. the work just stopped. i feel like this is karma for how i didnt get it when all the factories closed in the 90s and the workers couldn't find new jobs and i was like--just learn something new already and move on.

now it's my turn to 'move on'

the thing is--this career is all i ever worked for and wanted... to be in the artist and help tell stories... share with people and now that opportunity is gone. i would love to say i can do it for free, its about the art and not the money but as someone who lived very poor and came out it--i dont want to go back. id rather die if i am honest. 

and that is a problem.

there is a part of me that is trying to romantize it--i have been other things and in other places than just television. windows for stores, counselors for teens, nanny for babies... it can just be a new me but i really like the old one.... and when i try to stop and think of how i can maybe course correct i just get stuck in my anger about being here in the first place which turns to sadness which turns in feeling just worn down.

i was reading something (aka watching instagram reels) about creating new goals and it stuck with me... i have always been a goal person because accomplishing them got me the things i needed. into a top tier school... into a national magazine...into a new city... to a life with friends who love me and people who see me... but now i feel like i have no goals (well besides surviving which doesn't feel like one) and i have pour my energy into other things like plants and working out and trying to solve the mystery of my never-ending allergies. and its all making things worse--maybe.

So now i am back here with words. where it all started back in the day and can maybe rebuild me now. i don't know but i am going to try again.

that and street skating which probably means i will have a busted arm shortly but for now i am back.

good times.