Weary

 Today is a hard day. I am trying to not be sad, to do things that make me happy (though the weather isn't helping) but it's not working. Tomorrow is my first day at this new, low paying, part time only, job that I really don't want. I know its not the job's fault but I am just so sad about the whole thing. And at some point I have to take out my nose ring so just another symbol of how much of me I am giving up.

And I don't really talk about this with anyone because it feels embarrassing--like I failed somehow even though I know that is not the case. I know my friends would get it but it doesn't make it sting any less. And I am certain that some would be annoyed since they have been out of work longer so they have more stress and time served than I do. (though it is not a competition) 

And it just makes me question life. Like what is the point of being committed? Doing the right thing? Sacrificing for things when the rug can still be ripped away from you regardless? Why shouldn't I just be smoking cigarettes and eating full pizza between lines of coke and gangbangs if nothing makes any difference? I fought so hard for so long and have been left with nothing of value.

What is the fucking point?

And I know I will be fine. I always survive but for once I just want to live. 

......

 hi.

so i guess i am back here again--trying to use words and place to figure out my head. i havent in a long time and im not sure why i stopped. life got busy? i was happy? i dont think those were the reasons but my judgement has been off for a while.

and now i am spinning out. i feel like i have lost a bit of myself with my career seemingly bottoming out. and not in  a fun way. i havent worked since last july--i have have just been running in place and bing surprised nothing is happening. and you can blame the strikes or streaming or monopolies but the work has dried up and i am standing in dead river bends. it would make sense if i did something wrong, got a show sued or blew out a budget but that is not what happened. the work just stopped. i feel like this is karma for how i didnt get it when all the factories closed in the 90s and the workers couldn't find new jobs and i was like--just learn something new already and move on.

now it's my turn to 'move on'

the thing is--this career is all i ever worked for and wanted... to be in the artist and help tell stories... share with people and now that opportunity is gone. i would love to say i can do it for free, its about the art and not the money but as someone who lived very poor and came out it--i dont want to go back. id rather die if i am honest. 

and that is a problem.

there is a part of me that is trying to romantize it--i have been other things and in other places than just television. windows for stores, counselors for teens, nanny for babies... it can just be a new me but i really like the old one.... and when i try to stop and think of how i can maybe course correct i just get stuck in my anger about being here in the first place which turns to sadness which turns in feeling just worn down.

i was reading something (aka watching instagram reels) about creating new goals and it stuck with me... i have always been a goal person because accomplishing them got me the things i needed. into a top tier school... into a national magazine...into a new city... to a life with friends who love me and people who see me... but now i feel like i have no goals (well besides surviving which doesn't feel like one) and i have pour my energy into other things like plants and working out and trying to solve the mystery of my never-ending allergies. and its all making things worse--maybe.

So now i am back here with words. where it all started back in the day and can maybe rebuild me now. i don't know but i am going to try again.

that and street skating which probably means i will have a busted arm shortly but for now i am back.

good times.