Don’t Let that Sixteen Year Old Judge You!

I was bored. In the guise of self-improvement I decided that I would try something new, different, totally unlike me. I didn't know what I would try until I found myself standing outside of the neighborhood gay bar. (I live in Los Angeles, hence the "neighborhood" gay bar) Now this wasn't the first time I had been in a gay bar or even my first time with this particular bar; it was the first time I would attempt it sans friends, co-workers or enemies. I say attempt because I never entered the bar. Instead I found myself standing across the street, in the dark of a broken streetlight, staring (longingly, I assume) at the open doorway, unable to move my feet. I only left when I realized that the doorman, whom had been peeking out, most likely thought I was either crazy or a basher or a combination of both. That night, back in my apartment, as I warmed up (after several shots of whiskey) I tried to understand what had happened outside the club. I mean, I am a fairly cute, overly ambitious and somewhat self-confident gay man yet I couldn't enter a simple club by myself. There would be no bashers or parents or small children inside to make me feel uncomfortable, if anything I should be eager to enter such an environment. But I wasn't. I was afraid. Now you think less of me. I mean, here I am telling everyone to be proud and to stand up for one's self yet I can't enter a simple doorway. Well, it's the truth. Just like I don't know any gay man who doesn't cringe a little when he sees that someone is noticing that he has picked up the latest copy of "The Advocate" at the newsstand. (Unless said individual is Brad, Leo or Matt and then well...) But really, most guys grab the magazine and make a bee line for the check out. Then they usually blush as they are rung up and aren't able to look the cashier in the eye. Sound familiar? Don't get me wrong, I do it too. It doesn't matter where I am; I almost always feel a slight moment of unease when dealing with the most random aspects of my sexuality. Like family gatherings when they ask how things are going. Do I tell them that I haven't met Mr. Right but I now know the highest number of "straight acting" florists in the Los Angeles area? Should I offer my view points on the latest "gay" (meaning mainstream) issue? Or maybe they don't say anything about my lifestyle and so it becomes an unspoken agreement of silence. Kind of like the "don't ask, don't tell policy." I won't make them uncomfortable by bring up my homosexuality, just like I won't make strangers uncomfortable by openly flipping through 'The Advocate', and I will most definitely not make anyone uncomfortable by showing up at the local bar without a posse of either gay or gay-friendly persons. The thing that these different scenarios have in common is that they are all based on a fear. A fear that being gay within itself is wrong and that by pursuing various aspects of it that we are running a serious threat of being judged by the world at large. I mean, why do you think that we as a group are so judgmental, (straight acting, fem) sarcastic (hello, Jack?!) and argumentative? Because we have been judged, ridiculed and forced into compliance by society at large. But of course you're different. I mean, none of what I just wrote applies to you. I mean, the reason you bee line to the checkout with your magazine is that you never know when a basher might be lying in wait. And it is easier for you not to talk about the most recent time you were dumped or left or why you dumped or left what's-his-name; especially not over turkey with the family. And why would you want to go dancing by yourself anyways? How can you poke fun at the music, outfits and techniques with your gaggle of girls? Now, I'm not saying that those reasons aren't justifiable and without merit but have you even wondered what might happen if you did the opposite? Do you honestly believe that some 'Jerry Springer' red neck will openly attack you in front of the Barnes and Noble newsstand? Would Dad's head really explode if you talked with Mom about how you left Will because he wouldn't stop cyber sexing with his ex? That maybe they will all point and laugh at you (ala "Carrie") when you show up at 80's night without the crew? Really? See, when you think about it, really stop and consider it, none of those things will ever happen. Or if they do, it is the most random occurrence in the world, worthy of tabloid-movie-of-the-week status. Fear of judgment is a powerful thing and I don't mean that we should ignore the risks of being out because that would be reckless. However I do believe that we can handle things like the newsstand, family night and happy hour as open individuals. How we accomplish these small feats of everyday life can show others, our community included, that we have nothing to hide and that there is nothing to fear from the average homosexual. I mean, really, how can we live in fear of judgment by the sixteen year old who rings us up or the people that conceived us in the back of their parents Ford or the gang of bitchy, slutty, out-of-work dancers from last year's Gay Pride Float? I mean, we as a society have evolved enough to handle these emotionally draining scenarios. Or if we haven't, then maybe we should restart the movement. So openly read the 'Advocate' and don't just run home with it, tell your Grandma about the crazy night in Palm Springs with swimsuit model and learn how to enjoy a beer and a dance by yourself or, better yet, with a stranger. Maybe it will be me. (Unless I mercifully get hit by a truck crossing the road to get in. Or that Ben finally comes out...eh, eh, eh.) If we can all do this then we will change things. Promise.

Romance or A Plan for World Domination.
By Rory Lapointe

I promised myself that I wasn't going to cave in and do this. I mean, every February somehow the entire world breaks down and talks about, sings about, and even writes about love. As such, love then becomes this grand goal, this absolute destination and February fourteenth is the one day of the year that we must recapture the depth of our windswept emotions and sum them up with a card or box of chocolate or something pretty. I didn't want to conform to this Hallmark conspiracy yet here I am. Going where every man has gone before. Of course my first thought was to go anti Valentine's Day; to write about the injustice of there being one day set aside for people to prove their love to one and another. About how I planned to wear all black and go out with my single friends and protest with an Alanis Morrisette mentality. "Valentine's Day sucks and you ought to know." But that was only creative back in junior high. Maybe I would write about the other forms of love. That in Greek society friendship itself was the utmost form of love. Maybe everyone should focus on the less "traditional" themes of love; family, friendship, brotherhood of man type stuff. Ban song dedications and cheesy poetry and those special episodes of 90210 or Dawson's Creek. But that would make me more pretentious then usual. What to write about then? Romance. Not the Harlequin version but the sexless, childlike idealized love. The type that is in fairy tales, the type that Shakespeare and Dickens and Austen made immortal. Love without sex or rivalry, where individuals are unprepared for how truly perfect everything can be. Love as the soul infinity. Now that I had a topic the next course of action was to find a gay angle. Something that would speak to me as an evolved gay man. A story or play or even a song that would sum up the best our way of loving, our emotions, our concerns and struggles. I thought about all the films I had seen, all the novels I had read and yet, alas, there is no "Romeo and Julio". I guess then, I can only share what I have experienced and let you see what I believe it is. You can take what you will from it, disregard it, or even laugh at it. As long as you think about it, feel about it, wonder about it. I'm not say that I have any new insight but I can share and hope that it changes something. My first time was when I was much younger, about the age of thirteen. There was this boy whom I had been what Kinsey would refer to as "experimenting" with. The sex continued off and on over the course of a year till he moved several towns away. We reconnected briefly on a camping trip and began our old habit of fighting. For me, it was because I felt used in our previous arrangement, more like an extra hand then an equal partner. Eventually though we ended up alone in our tent, in the midst of a rain storm, me trying to sleep. I had no interest in resuming anything and found myself waiting for a sign that he was asleep so I could relax. The tension was thick and I was about to say something when he suddenly leaned over and kissed me. Now, this was an important moment because this had never happened before. He had never done anything endearing towards me, it had been a routine of roll around and pull the pants on and leave. As he continued to kiss me I felt like I had somehow fallen through a rabbit hole into a strange new place, somewhere where everything else between us had gone mute. After a moment we broke apart and he whispered one thing, "sorry" then rolled over to his side of the tent. I never figured out what to say to him after that moment, instead the camping trip ended and we both went back to our real lives. No letters or phone calls, no other trips, instead I was left with this feeling of amazement that something had happened. Of course, I assumed that I felt this attachment to the moment because it was my first kiss and all. That the magic I felt was because it was new experience and that I would probably never feel that way again. Instead I became a much more sexual person. I did what I wanted with whomever I wanted. I would have sex (safe sex) with boys whose names I didn't care to know, meet men in bars and parks and strip malls; I became a person of experiences more than emotions. It was during one of these times that I had another brush with the magic. I had been out one night with friends when I saw this boy, low slung cap and perfect teeth, just staring at me with something close to longing. I was never one to let an opportunity pass me by. Later that night, after some amazingly public sex, we were both standing there, fumbling with belts and coats when he took my hand. I was immediately on guard because when you take strange boys on you learn some unpleasant things about people. Instead he looked down at my hand and then kissed it. Surprise must have shown on my face because he just smiled and said, "Do you need me to you walk home?" I shook my head and turned to leave but he still held my hand. "Thanks." Then he kissed it again and let go. That night walking home I cried. I had never felt like such a fool before, I wanted to run back and say "yes, walk me home". Maybe we would have talked or exchanged numbers or something. But instead I stopped having casual sex and settled into a stage of denial. A chance at romance bit me on the arse and I just walked away. Crying nonetheless. Needless to say I was unprepared the next time. I was doing some research for something when I ended up in a random conversation on line. We were talking about various things but after a while we both started to get sloppy. I told him how I liked to write and so he asked me to try and write him something. "A romance of course." So I started to write this cheesy over-the-top epic via our instant messages, something that used our screen names and was amazing abstract. Somehow I became involved in the moment and didn't end the story till several hours later. The two of us exchanged e-mail addresses and nothing more but the next time I logged on I found this letter that he had written me. It included our story along with this e-mail. "Never thought I'd go on-line and have a story written about me. Thanks" I guess if anything that sentiment is the truth behind romance. It can be the kindness in a smile, the warmth of a touch or maybe just giving a random piece of yourself away. It is the unexpected moments in life, the chances where we do the nice thing, the sweet thing, the heartfelt thing. Maybe that's why there are so few books about it; straight or gay. To plot such a story, to try for such unplanned moments seems forced and, in the end, faked. In the end that means only we can control and create it. Maybe that's what I'm trying to say here. That instead of flowers or songs or even gifts I would rather try for romance. Maybe if we all did for a day then we could try for all year. Maybe.

Confession of a GAP.. Sometimes Straight Boys Give Love

By Rory G. Lapointe
So I did it again. What all gay men do at least once in our lives. Broke my heart and poured it into the ground; hoping against hope that it would be different this time. Trying really hard to tell myself that this would be the right time with the right person. It's funny how easy it is sometimes to forget every other time in your life you've done the same thing and have been wrong. It started at one of those "end of something" parties that you have to make something really unimportant matter. We were drinking out of plastic cups and pulling ice cubes out of the kitchen sink; mixing hard drinks with cheap liquor and diet soda. Manny and I stood by the pool, making lazy conversation, he was laughing at all my witty jokes while I tried not to notice the way the light bounced off the water into his eyes. For a moment I held my ground and didn't say anything real but eventually, like always, my truth had to spoken. I opened my mouth and spilled out my apologies, that I hoped that he hadn't heard the rumors. That all my practical jokes and quiet asides hadn't been made for him to feel uncomfortable. That I understood he was straight with a girlfriend and a life that I had no right to step on. Selfishly I drifted past all the moments I had cornered him, teased him and stopped him on his way to somewhere else. Manny smiled and laughed a guff sound while pulling hard through his goatee. A hand on my arm, he told me that I never did anything to make him feel uncomfortable; that he was okay with things. A moment passed and I sighed with contentment, I was fine and the depth of my secret was unnoticed. I wandered away from him, finding other friends to talk to and taking a stolen moment to hide my small smile. I was safe with him. At this point it should be noted that I do this all the time. I meet someone and instead of doing the sane thing, the rational thing, I play my game. The game that we all play with boys like Manny; boys that we can't have. Somehow we've all learned to believe that love was like a piñata; you close your eyes and take a swing with the stick and hope you break it open. That love would fall scattered on the ground in a million sweet pieces that you could have if you were lucky. And every time you lose, instead of learning your lesson, you just spin yourself around and take another swing. So instead of letting things go, letting them lie, I decided that my heart hadn't been thoroughly broken yet. I noticed he was making his way to the door, to leave the party, to leave my presence. My heart caught in my throat for a moment; this could be the last time I saw him for 6 months, a year, forever. I was rude as I made my way outside to the street; I blew past people I always had a kind word for, a joke to share. I hit the street with a drink in one hand, a smoke in the other and the hope in my mind that I made good time in my shattered state. He caught me with a smile by the curb, somehow I done it and was rewarded with this last chance to talk with him. He was leaning his truck, putting on some Tracy Chapman, and holding a cigarette. For a moment I laughed, either outside or to myself I can't remember. I straighten up and made a silent promise to God that I would be forever grateful for whatever was about to happen. Slowly we started to talk about the world and the infinite sadness of "Fast Car" and somehow we landed on the subject of his girlfriend. Manny told me about how he had done her wrong, made a mistake that could cost him everything. That now it was about tests and silent heartbreak and that whatever happened to him was earned punishment. I looked at him and let go a long silent breath. Of all the things in the world to say to another person, to me, this was heartbreak and sadness. That there was a possibility that someone like him could just go away. It was selfish thought but it was also the truth of the moment. Breaking the tension was the ring of a cell phone. It's her, Manny said, as he held the phone in his hand, unanswered. He looked me in the eyes and just stared for a beat. His voice broke as he told me that he loved her. That she was his ONE and that he couldn't believe he had risked all that for nothing. That things had happened that put all of his love for her in jeopardy and that he could lose IT. Now you might assume that this broke my heart but instead it saved me. I no longer wanted to love Manny but rather I did love him; not in a sexual sense but out of my understanding of his love. That he made me see that this real, larger than life thing was possible; that it isn't a random party game but something special that you can hold in the palm of your hand. It can call out to you in the middle of a drunken, balmy summer night. With such a build up, you might assume that there should be a grand ending. Instead, other people joined us on the street, all drunk and silly with smokes and one night stands to be had as my head swam in circles around his love. My friends tried to lead me away from Manny, telling me to get a grip as they all thought that I was making some drunken last play for a boy who I couldn't have. In the confusion Manny slipped into his truck and drove away, leaving me with an opened heart in the middle of the street. In that moment I realized what the point is of those people in our lives. That it's not about the angsty crushes or bad poetry or that we fell but that they are there to remind us of how it can be. That love is a real thing that comes to you in a million different places and for a million different reasons. That we all have a boy like Manny somewhere in our lives; not the boy that we did love but rather the boy who made us see what love could be all about. Now I won't lie and say I didn't cry a little that night before I drifted into sleep. But that night I also realized that for every time I have ever been that in love with the wrong guy, that in denial about sexuality, there was a reason for it. That it's to tell us about how love can be real, that it can be and that sometimes it can come, not from an actual love relationship, but the possibilities and loves of another person; even a drunken, sad-eyed straight boy. And part of me wishes I could thank Manny for this gift but part of me also know that it would take away from our moment on the street; our moment for smokes and heartfelt thoughts. I'd rather picture him driving somewhere, Tracy Chapman still pouring out his truck windows and his cell phone calling him home.

Confessions of a GAP... Just Call Me Rory Kane

By Rory Lapointe
I have always loved soap operas. I grew on a heavy diet of General Hospital, Santa Barbara and even Sunset Beach and a little guiding light. I learned much from this unsentimental education and have used these lessons well in life. I don't mean waiting for a sweet prince to stumble in or a nice wedding or having an evil twin but sensible things like how to get what you want by using looks, brains and a I-am-the-world motivation. What this means is that I have studied the best divas on the air. Erica, Lucy, Rev and even a little bit of Gina. Women who are smart, crafty and even a little bit much at times. And these traits are one that I have eagerly absorbed in my system. Not blackmailing or man stealing, mind you, but the ability to decide what you want and have a single minded plans to get it. Which brings this to Libbs. Libbs is the super hot tape master at my current job. Blond, blue eyed and a fashion sense that rivals my own. He is kind, sweet, funny and even a little bit wicked at time and I made the conscious decision to figure out to make him mine. It started in the simplest of ways; finding out his last name (Christian...) his e-mail, work schedule and even his home address. Now before you think stalker I would like to point out that this information is just for a base background on what I am dealing with. Not to call his house, not send scary e-mails but to learn little details. Like the type of neighborhood he likes, whether he is funny enough to have a cute e-mail address or even when I should dress more alluring. Now, with this information the game was in play and I began to start to make myself noticed. Comments about his neighborhood like talking about cute coffee houses in the area and then Libbs says something like "Oh, that's by my house." And I look surprised and say something like "really?" I look much more naive than I am and so this approach works well. I notice little things as well. A good diva-villain notices not only their surroundings but also the unspoken. The ring check on his hand (nothing) the cute picture of the love interest (nada) or even the type of music he listens to. All these tiny details can add up to big ways to save time when I like someone. I don't want to chase after people in relationships or even a metrosexual straight boy. So gathering details can save me time and effort because no one wants to be the gay guy eating out his heart over something he can't have. I noticed little things like the script that is always on his desk (which he wrote and make me even more into him) and the fact that he likes chocolate covered cherries. (Cute) I was able to engage him in conversation about writing and managed to in a random way tell him about my writing too. He was interested and we talked for about a half-hour. Now before you judge my tactics I would just like to say that as gay and lesbians become more mainstream it is harder to pick ourselves out. I mean, it used to be hankies, freedom rings and other easy to spot fashion accessories or tattoos. But now living in a culture exposed to lesbians on daytime, gay in prime time and even out actors and homoerotic subtext in films (hello, "Lord of the Rings") it gets harder to know for sure. And, regardless of place or timing (unless it's a sex club) it is not a good idea to ask someone's sexual preference. It's just rude. So at the end of the day, that's why I do the things I do. I don't want to waste my time or make someone uncomfortable because they are not on my team. Or if they're in a relationship. Or just incompatible. And so I used my skills learned from the halls of daytime's best-- know what you want, find the ways to make it happen and never waste your time. Because there is nothing worse than giving yourself away to the wrong people. Oh and by the way, Libbs didn't know what I meant by being published in "XY". So I guess I am not going to waste my time anymore. That's what Erica would do.

ABOUT ME
1.What time is it? 10:30

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: George Walter Haworth Foust III
3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? A 2 and a ?....

4. Pet: none, unless you can count my friend Lise..( just kidding)

5. Colour of hair: strawberry blond

6. Piercing: small stud in nose

7. Eye color: blue


8. Hometown: Pepperell, Ma


9. Town you live in: Los Angeles

10. Favourite Foods: Cheese, chinese food and salads

11. Summer or winter? summer

12. Stay on the sand or hit the water? Sand with a beer and a book...


13. Love someone so much it made you cry? I'll let you know when it happens.

14. Mayo or Mustard? Honey mustard.

15. Croutons or bacon bits? Courtons.

16. Favourite day of the week: Sunday morning

17. Favourite restaurant? Hmm... Great India Cafe, Le Frit, and Toi

18. Favourite flower? Orchild
19. Favourite sport to watch? hockey, croquet and tennis

20. Favourite carbonated drink? Diet Vanilla Coke.


21. Favourite adult beverage? Martini (dirty like Christina A.), Side cars, gin and tonic.

22. On top or on the bottom? Depends on the boy...


23.Disney or Warner Bros? Looney tunes



24. Favourite fast food restaurant? In and Out or Baja Fresh



25. Bedroom done in? Orange walls, Indian curtains, crushed velet pillow and art from all over and a tiny buddha...

26. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never

27. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? The last guy I hooked up with.

28. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? American Eagle, Borders/Bookstar, Virgin Music, Pier One/Z Gallery.

29. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read, listen to Rufus Wainwright and Velvet underground with candles burning.

30. Most annoying thing people say to me? Weren't you thinner?

31. Bedtime? Later than late....

32. Who will respond to this email the quickest? Can't say...

33. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to
respond? Jen or Brandy

34. Favorite TV shows: General Hospital, American Justice, CSI/Without a Trace, One Tree Hill, Brini Maxwell.


35. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with? Lise Kearney at the Coffee Table....

36. Ford or Chevy? Chevy but only if a cherry red nova

37. what are you listening to right now? dateline on nbc


38. Time you finished this email? 10:34 PST

Bye “Sex and the City”

So this past Sunday we said good-bye to Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda (and Big, Steve, Stanford, Magda, Brady, and a how slew of friends.) I watched the episode with my own girls… Lizzie, Kelly and Valeska along with take out and no carb beer.

I don’t want to give anything away but what a disappointing last show. The charm and joy about the show was that is was being single after a certain with different types of the sterotype represented. There was the vixen, the career woman, the traditionalist and the dreamer all showing what it was like, the type of men we meet, keep or lose along the way as we try to figure out what it that men bring to the table.

It was about bad dates, tough relationships and good friendships with all the people that fill our lives. It taught us about gay-acting straight men, sexually transmitted isuues and the bonds that we form as we make our own families in our live. It was about fashion and humor, sexuality and love, the ways we try to live and the ways it play out. It is something that I will miss and not just because it is off the air but by how wrong the last show was….

I’d like to believe that this show maybe it okay to be alone just a little and help to understand that it isn’t just us that makes us single…it’s about what we want and how you have to hold out until you get. That there is no wrong ways to live as a single person—just ways to get through. And it proved that friendship could be the best way to get bye. Thanks girls—we’ll miss you.

Big fun...... Look at this!

If you wanna be my friend…

Don’t lie to me. It seems simple but sometimes people do what they think they have to do and that will include lying. I guess this is all about Billie and Mac though they aren’t the only one who have done this. It all started with V-Day.

A couple of weeks earlier we had discussed the up coming do and what to do. We are all in various stage of single, me as always, Mac trying to figure out the boy from work and Billie just having a date or two with this one guy. We all realized that we wanted to go out on the town together and planned for V-Day as our LA debuted into society—high or otherwise.

As the day drew closer I started to send e-mails and make phone to get an idea of what we should do. Mac was thinking a film, maybe dinner or dancing and I was all about that. Billie, however didn’t bother to call. I talked with Mac about it and she got this feeling that Billie was going to bow out last minute. I was a little bothered by this and we both suspected that it had something to do with the boy but…as long as she let us know what was up it would be fine.
A couple of days went by with no info from Billie to me at all. I was a little annoyed because she sent random e-mails about other stuff and had talked with Mac a couple of times. We ruled her out of the plans the night before and just kind bummed about it.

Then we were watching “Monster” (Great flick by the way) when Mac got a phone call from Billie. They talked for about 10-15 minutes and Mac even told Billie that I was right there with her, hanging out. Billie didn’t ask to speak to me at all, no message sent via Mac about what was going on...she just hung up. Mac and I watched the movie and that was it. I did let on that I was a little pissed that there was nothing said to me about the next day but…

Then came Monday. It was a holiday and so Mac was around and we were going to put together this bookshelf she had just bought. She had to run into work first and so I took a nap while she ran her errands. There was a phone call but I didn’t get up to take it. I checked the messages later and it was Billie. It didn’t really say what happened about V-Day but that she was sorry and that Mac was with her and they were coming over to do the shelf.

This made me angry. Not only did I not know what happened but it was obvious from the way the message went that Mac had told Billie I was upset and that she was only calling because she was on her way here and didn’t want it to be awkward. The thing is, a forced apology is worthless to me and I would have rather spoken to her in person and found what the deal was.

The other part that made me mad was that she said she was just sick and didn’t want to do anything. Well, if that was the case then why didn’t Mac (whom had spoken with her multiple times before) ever tell me this? The truth is, I believe she went out with the boy for V-Day, which isn’t a big deal, but the choosing to lie and, by default, having Mac lie too is just not fair.

I have been in that position before and would I be bummed if that was the case? A little but is was also a holiday and I get that. But by lying to me and forcing someone else to lie—that’s just not respectful of anyone involved. And I would like to discuss out with Billie but she hides from this type of stuff. I guess my big thing is now I feel like I have lost a friendship with her. Mac and I will be fine, I understand alliances but it just such a shaft to Billie’s friendship and me. And it is her choice to fix it. Or not.

V-DAY Madness

So, V-DAY had it's usual madness and mystery as per the normal. This day has never been romantic for me but rather like a David Lynch and Tim Burton love child. It began with me and Mac just hanging out and talking about our plans. We had made a standing date for the day and were ready to begin the day with a smile.

Things took to the road and we wander the streets of Woodbridge Park with our usual apomb. Mac dropped off her dry cleaning and I decided to creep into the local gay owned card shop. I found something cute and sweet for Mac and went to play and thinking good happy thoughts. Til the little old man behind the counter said I couldn't use my card. So, without thinking about it I went out and borrowed a couple of bucks from Mac. Thus sealing my abilty to not be responsible or sauve.

After that awkwardness, we retreated back to 236 and spent the day reading, napping and just hanging out. It was all funny because of how bad we are at slacking and ened up cleaning the house. And calling everyone we both knew for plans for the night. We really couldn't figure out what we wanted to do--movie, dinner, dancing... no idea...

Finally, I talked with Kirby who told me that Candice and her friend from out of twon had decided to go out to a bar that i had just been at a couple weeks ago with Lucy and Chloe. It sounded like a fun idea, laid-back place and a good time with a couple of roommates, former and other wise. So Kirby promised to call if the plans changed and Mac and I picked oput some outfits for the evening.

We decide around 8 o'clock to see a film before we wnet to the bar and barely made the flick "Miracle". Great film, hockey boys and just good times. We both enjoyed ourselves and i realized my natural ambition to sleep with a NHL player. Mac worried that i might have an orgasim in the middle of the theater but it was a good time. We grabbed some burgers and were off to the bar.

We get to the bar and find some parking in a nearby garage and we jump out and valet the car. The little hispanic guy tells us that it is $5 with validation or $25 if you don't go. So we jumped out of the car, went around the corner to get some cash and came back to find a line out side the bar. After a 25 minute wait and various phone calls to make sure that Candice and Kirby haven't call the message and ducked out of the night's plans. No sign of them and Mac is cold and I'm not paying $25 for parking so we finally get in and grab a drink.

I make sure that Mac gets the parking thing sorted out as I go to the bathrrom and do a quick search for the others. No sign and i'm a little annoyed as I head back to the bar where mac is. i trip over some guy and apologize...it's takes a beat for me to realize that it is Vedder just randomly at the same bar. We talk for a moment and i point out where poor Mac has been surrounded by Euro trash men.

I ome to the rescue and play the boy freind card and save her ass. I tell her that Vedder is there and point him out and then we raise a glass to him. About a beat later I realized that Walker was across the room, too. Both boys join up with us eventually and we have a grand time just hanging out and drinking and talkin. Of course, we are there til the bar closes and we take it out to the street. Mac and Vedder go to get the cars as waler and I talk. It comes up about Kelly and how he thinks it was a mistake, about how he wants to ask out Mac and what a bad idea that is. I explain girl code to him--about how he hooked up with Kelly and how that blcoks him from a lot of people

He asks if this blocks us from happening. If Vedder and mac hadn't shown up with the cars, I don't know what would have happened. That's not true, i do know but......

The Truth about Walker

So after the V-Day fiasco, Mac and I got home and just hung out, laughing about the bar and Vedder and Walker. We were just loopy and silly as we rolled around the house looking for something to eat and making plans for the rest of the weekend.

Imagine to my surprise when Mac just looked at me and said, “What do you want from Walker?” It was a little bit out of left field and just so direct that, even in our semi-drunk state, I was taken aback. I had to think about it for a second and then I realized that even I wasn’t sure. And if something does happen, I’m going to need an explanation that will satisfy the masses.

I guess Walker symbolizes the lack of opportunity to meet men within this group. This isn’t to say he’s a body pillow while I wait for something else to come along but he is chance for me to have something while staying in bounds of the group. I find him interesting, kind of cute and, honestly, someone that I could help out in the long run.

It fits into my habit of being a fixer. I like to help people and while my tactics aren’t always the best, I do try. And Walker, with his drinking problem and his habit of cock blocking Vedder as well as he’s confusing sexual interests—it appeals to me. I guess it is like the Nick issue, someone who I do like and would want to get to know better because I feel I can be of use to them. And that is where my problem lies.

I have a history of trying to do the best by everyone and it is usually not to my own best interest. I will sacrifice my goals and hope in order to make everyone else happy. I will give time, energy and a piece of my heart to anyone who needs it, regardless of whether they will respect that at the end. And Walker falls into that category and combined with the lack of men in this group for me to meet…well, he just becomes something that I can have, as opposed to something I even want or need.

And I do believe we will end up hooking up, being the talk of some parts of the group and then it will be done and just another piece of my history. And if that’s bad, well…we all have those stories, right?

Just Call Me Rory Kane

I have always loved soap operas. I gew on a heavy diet of General Hospital, Santa Barbara and even Sunset Beach and a little Guiding light. I learned much from this unsentimnetal education and have used these lessons well in life. I don't mean waiting for a sweet prince to stumble in or a nice wedding or having an evil twin but sensible things like how to get what you want by using looks, brains and a I-am-the-world motavation.

What this means is that i have studied the best divas on the air. Erica, Lucy, Rev and even a little bit of Gina. Women who are smart, crafty and even a little bit much at times. And these traits are one that i have eagerly absorbed in my system. Not blackmailing or man-stealing, mind you, but the abilty to decide what you want and have a single minded plan to get it.

Which brings this to Libbs. Libbs is the super hot tape master at my current job. Blond, blue eyed and a fashion sense that rivals my own. He is kind, sweet, funny and even a little bit wicked at time and I made the concious decision to figure out to make him mine.

It started in the simplest of ways; finding out his last name (Christian...) his e-mail, work schedule and even his home address. Now before you think stalker i would like to point out that this information is just for a base background on what i am dealing with. Not to call his house, not send scary e-mails but to learn little details. Like the type of neighborhood he likes, whether he is funny enough to have a cute e-mail address or even when i should dress more alluring.

Now, with this information the game was in play and i began to start to make myself noticed. Comments about his neighborhood like talking about cute coffee gouses in the area and then Libbs says something like "Oh, that's by my house." And I look surprised and say something like "really?" I look much more naivee than I am and so this approach works well.

I notice little things as well. A good diva-villan notices not only their surroundings but the unspoke. the ring check on his hand (nothing) the cute picture of the love interest (nada) or even the type of music he listens to. All these tiny details can add up to big ways to save time when I like someone. I don't want to chase after people in relationships or even a metrosexual straight boy. So gathering details can save me time and effort because no one wants to be the gay guy eating out his heart over something he can't have.

I notcied little things like the script that is always on his desk (which he wrote and make me even more into him) and the fact that he likes chocolate covered cherries. (Cute) I was able to engage him in conversation about writing and managed to in a random way tell him about my writing too. He was interested and we talked for about a half-hour.

Now before you judge my tarcits I would just like to say that as gay and lesbians become more mainstream it is harder to pick oursleves out. I mean, it used to be hankies, freedom rings and other easy to spot fashion accessories or tattoos. But now living in a culture exposed to lesbians on daytime, gay in prime time and even out actors and homoerotic subtext in films (hello, "Lord of the Rings") it gets harder to know for sure. And, regardless of place or timing (unless it's a sex club) it is not a good idea to ask someone's sexual prefernce. It's just rude.

So at the end of the day, that's why i do the things I do. I don't want to waste my time or make someone uncomfortable because they are not on my team. Or if they're in a relationship. Or just incompatable. And so I used my skills learned from the halls of daytime's best-- know what you want, find the ways to make it happen and never waste your time. Because there is nothing worse than giving yourself away to the wrong people.

Oh and by the way, Libbs didn't know what I meant by being published in "XY". So I guess I am not going to waste my time anymore. That's what Erica would do.

And the Beat goes on....

So work this week as been fun and slow at the same time. While I am happy to be free of the play i am still tired and cranky from my lack of control over my life. I e-mailed Cord earlier this week with no response. I am meeting with Kirby to discuss her script tomorrow and am supposed to meet with Candice for coffee but I don't know how that will play out.

And Kelly and Lizzie are on their way to vegas as I write this. The research for the Hunt has begun and I am not a part of it. :( But I know that this is just what Lizzie needs for the next couple of days and she will be able to get out of town and forget her woes so....more power to her. And i am sure that Kelly will have another great story about the men of Vegas. Hopefully the sailors aren't there now or they won't know what hit them.

As for myself, i am trying to get started on my piece for billie's show and trying to figure out what type of piece to create. I think it is better to go for new material--don't you? And now that I have V-Day plans with Mac and Billie then maybe the boys stuff can get hopping too. Who knows? But hope spring eternal and if I just don't go crazy and toss myself at the hunky Libbs the Tape master. (Though he is hot and blond and just the thing to help me keep my will to live..... I'm sure he is straigh bit is he str8....? That is the question best saved for the wrap party. Yikes Yikes.

We Survived Lois

So, last night was the last show, the last dance for Katie and that cast... PADWAD is free! Sounds terrible I know, but let's be honest here... Ruby, Kirby, Valeska and I went for a drink and just a toast to the end of non-art and things we don't care about... Which is good...

My next artistic adventure is writing a monlogue piece for Billie and some writing show she would like to do. I don't know how I feel about this idea nad even if I will write something new or bring out something from the past--like XY stuff....

My stepfather's dad had quad bypass surgey.... He is doing quite well and everyone seems fine about it. I guess I put that in random but I don't know how to describe it here because it fits a s random in my life as it does in this column.....

New words


Double bagger-- slang term reffering to what action you should take with sexually promisicous person. Refers to the need of two condoms at the same time. Example.... "Collin Farrell is a double bagger."

Homoerotic Attack-- verb. Refers to when one person tries to make another person of same sex uncomfortable via an attck on personal space. Example "Vedd totally put the homoerotic attack on Rory with that lap dance.


Wardrobe failure--slang. Refers to when someone's clothing malfuctions and shows something it shouldn't. Celeb example include Janet and Justin breast issue. Example" I had total wardrobe failure when my boobs popped out of my tube top while reaching for my St. Edes."

Hell Weekend Part Two

So Sunday came....The super bowl party was great and I was able to hang with evryone briefly... There were some hotties who looked like refugees from a boy band. Nick and I both wonder why the other wasn't flirting with them... Alas, Valeska and I had to leave for the play's opening night but we did get to see the breast that shocked the world.

The play went fine but both Valeska and I were in bad moods because of missing the party but we pulled off our jobs with natural aplom. Then we tried to find out if the party was still on but a large group had gone out to a bar instead; Willis, Mandy, Macy, Davis, Irene, Grant, Kelly and Edie's brother Vedd and his friend Walker. But we could find them so we went out with the cast to have an opening night drink. That was fun though I was distracted by the hottness of Peter in our cats. Just wow...

The evening ended and Valeska and I said by to Ruby, Kirby and the cast and prepared to go home. That's when we recieved a call from Kelly, drunk and in Burbank and loking to score. She told us that she wanted to sleep with Walker. Now Walker is an nice guy but has a huge drinking problem and has woken up many a place without any idea how he got there. He is a prime canidate for stds... So valeska and I went to the bar--which was really hard to find--and tried to put a stop to things....

Of course, everyone was drunk and Valeska and I were both sober which led to the entire "I'm not happy dealing with fools mentallity." I talked with Kelly who said that she din't want to sleep with Walker so the issue was over. Of course, an hour later she is missing and I find her out side the bar, up aginst a wall making out with Walker anyway. So, I was a little pissed and Kelly came over with Walker and talk about how she wasn't gong to keep this up. Walker said she would do whatever she wanted if she just kept kissing him.

In Kelly's drunk state she looked at Walker and said only if you kiss Rory.... The next thing I know I am up against the wall witha drunken and heavy weighting Walker kissing me. I was so startled that I didn't know what to do at first... Then Kelly went in the bar, leaving us outside and Walker, in a momment of concern, asked if he was doing things right. I managed to break away and was a little annoyed at being pimped out.
'
The rest fo the night was alittle bit angry on my part and Kelly, Walker and Vedd left to go home. I was annoyed even more by this and then was told off by Irene and Grant that I shouldn't care and that Kelly deserves whatever she gets from Walker...std or other things. This pissed me off more because it made me realize how selfish some people are. I know that there was drinking in volved but that just really shows who you are at times.

But the night was saved by Willis and a couple of burgers and friendship. He is a great guy and better friend. If only.... (Oh, by the way, Kelly didn't sleep with Walker....)

Hell weekend Part One...

Hey all. Sorry for the lateness and lack of fresh dirt but life was not my own and has just began to slow down. I am very annoyed as of late but not with this part. Work was as fun as always but I did have a bomb dropped on me and am just ducking my feelings about It. They turned around and offered me full time and a lot more m oney and I can't take it because of the play. I'm mostly bummed but am also quite aware that this was always possible and that I can't hold anyone to blame. The thing that drives me nuts is just that I don't know if anyone involved would make the same choice if the roles were reversed.

But I did see Lucy and it was better than I thought. She is like a well fitting, humrous yet sexy vintage t-shirt. It looks good on a hanger but better on. We met up Friday with Chloe at a bar near work and we just picked up like she never left. She looks stunning and happy and just so much better than I think I have ever seen her.

We bummed around Hollywood...hung at bars and Greccos and laughed and drank and had sushi and beaome the people we all were. It was so much fun and tips scales toward SF and the possibilites there. I love thoses girls and it was just amazing.

Sat was the night of the Resole party at Skylar's and Lucy and Chole came. There were nerves abounding but all for naught--the love was there and things touched back to how we always have wanted to be to each, I think. Lucy was happy, Kelly, Donnie and Renny all fell back in love with her. It was great and happy and just so much better than we had expected.

Of course there was alittle fallout with getting the girls a cab but we were able to get them back in time for their private club party. I cried after Lucy left, just because I was so damn happy for her, and a little for me. And god bless Carol Channing. But when did she have corn? Thanks Chloe!!

That's about it for now. Part two will hopefully be sooner than later. There's still super bowl, the play and the after party to discuss... Yikes

The men of middle earth and other adventures with chloe

So, last night Chloe and i finallly had a pow wow via the phone. FOr some reason I was slap happy and no one was around to enjoy it so... We had one of those phone conversations that should be had in person. It wasn't till reached a story that defied phone that I decided to jump on the subway to Hollywood and the lucious lido.

Subway on Sat night is filled with kids going from holllywood and higland to City walk. Loy's of bad trends..the eightes are coming back in ways I thought dead. But all in all it was fun and I got to Chloe's at a good clip.

After awkward apartemnt confusion..(where do you live in the building?) I found Chloe. She looks stunnning and was just as amazing as I remember. I met the new roomies and had fun talking about work and life. Eventually it was time to booze and grab smokes so down to Playboy we went. Chloe and I stooped onn the corner and swapped fun stories about boys, drama, men and mayhem.

Properly armed with Champaigne for the night, we reconvined to the bedroom and listened to music, read poetry and swapped stories. After we got our drink on we had a debate about whether or not to go to Goldfingers.

Goldfingers is the club across the street and a place that has seen random mayhem over the years. So off we went to visit with Chloe's friends who work there and to have a good time. We drank beers and met with new people to me, old friends to her. The club was jumping.

After a while I notcied a little hobbit perched on the wall. I beleive he is Merry in the films abut is better know as Dom in real life. Blonde, cute and just afox. I made the standrad drunk phones to other Hobbettes and then tried not to stare. After awhile Chjloe and I had another drink or two and met up with other friends of hers. By the end of the night we were playing around with the lifers at Goldfingers and enjoying oursleves. There was dancing and Elijah Wood and touchingb stars and Chloe getting her hand kissed. It was good LA times...

My Life is Not My own...

SO my lif is as the title says. I have realized that bewteen work, the play, and Super Bowl. I also now have several friends visiting and may not be able to make much time to see them. I guess it would help if I felt that I was doing things that I wanted to do. But I kind of don't.

It's not any one thing. I mean, the play is okay but I don't like it much. It is very "nice" and that's about it. I am worried as hell about Lucy's visit and how that wil go given our recent behavior towards ecah oither. With Macy and Resol it is fun and easy but I don't know how to do that. I mean, will I have time for them? I don't know. That and sleep is hard with this schedule so... I don't know. I have to believe that I will get things done the way I can.

Just like sign says...

So today I had one of those my life is glam days. I was walking from the store with a bootle of wine and a baguette of bread and just feeling so..black and white foregien movie. It's fun how far I get without having the same things as everyone els. Would certain things be easier? I don't know. But I love that I have a great park behind me, a cute neighborhood all around, that I can jump on the subway just be in the thick of things and yet I have a nice home.... It is like the South of France--they way it makes me feel.

And I have been quite brave and effective today. I called Cord and left a long message that was making a date--I think but for me that is a huge step. I'm bummed that I won't be hanging with Chloe but everything is so damn sunny otherwise. Ruby and I talked about the up-coming play and work is great so far. (Though I could kill Todd but whatever.) I get to do the things I want and lack for very little... I hope this isn't to upbeat but it is the way I feel today. Though I may be dead tomorrow with lack of sleep. Wish me luck....

Bringing Up the Boy...

So, in the grand new scheme of 2004 I am making admends and going for what I want. I have reopned talks with Cord. I wrote and met him a long time ago via an e-mail/writing thing, I really thought he was kewl but felt that I wasn't in the place to really meet with him yet. Mostly because of the weight gain from camp and having no job and the no car thing always weighs on me. But I have reopened the lines with him and am going to ride this out. Screw Kerry, that's not ever gonna work but I am going to try for Cord. Wish me luck out there!!!

It's Not the Size But the Motion.

Okay. So last night I had a strange thing happen. I was hanging out with Kelly and swapping gossip about parties and work and just catching up. This somehow lead to a discussion about how hot those damn hobbits are. (which if anyone knows Billy Bogg or if he is reading this...I love you.) This then lead to a discussion about how Kelly could never date them because they would be to short for her which then lead us to the internet.

Imagine our surprise when we found that the boys were 5ft7...not to shabby. But Kelly was really excited about this. I was confused when she said that she was only a n inch taller than them and thus they made the hieght requirement. (yes, I made the amusement ride joke...) But I was bothered because according to Kelly, she was about 5ft8. And she is a little taller than me which means that I am shorted than her.

This is confusing because, according to my liscene I am 5ft9. This was a blow to discuss that due to Kelly and the hobbits that I lost two inches last night. I fough with her about it and then we went out to dinner and Donnie proved it to me. He and I are the same height...5ft7. So then I had to go change my personal ads and other info. Though, now if I commit a crime then the police will be looking for 5ft9. But only, as Donnie said, if I leave my licsene behind. Bummers...

Better late than never

So.. Sorry that I have been missing my updates but working has come and taken over. It's funny, I am fine talking about it with anyone away from the office but when you put withing a couple of few I get all nervous and squirelly. It's just feeling like I'm not getting enough down but I had a realization last night. There are always going to be tapes going on and things to do because of the nature of the 24/7 fortmat. So I have decided to try and just go as far as I can without freaking out.

And Willis is a great boss and between him, Dax, Lizzie, Davis and a ton of BBro people working there... It's not like I 'm really at work at all because I'm with friends. SO that's kewl. And this job is giving me time to figurre out the entire what to do about TW thing. Anyways... Life is good and the hours are strange and I feel like a vampire but you know what... It IS fun......

Back to the working world!

Yeah!!!! I am back in the job market for at least the next 6 weeks. It so happends that Willis and Lizzie hooked me up with a logging job on their new FX show. So I will be watching a million hours of footage of Todd Tv. It is great and in Hollywood and is making me have to travel via a subway but that forces me to explore more. Tis big fun but let's hope the schedule doesn't scare me back into crazy sleepy non social life! Awesome news, eh? That and this will force me to see Chloe a little more and that is good fun! (not clean, fun.)

If It was Nasa It'd Be Gone By Now.

There other day I was up and running little erands around the house. I either had the television or radio on and was listening to a little debate about the purposed "Defense of Marriage" act. The guy was talking about how if this bill passed that his marriage probably won't last another year. That for the bill to work there would have to be standards that would have to be established and that he and his wife wouldn't make the cut.

Beside making me laugh, I had to think about what he said. After all, this bill is being used to try and prevent gay marriage becoming a reality. As a gay man, this issue effects me on some level--but it is also a fight that I haven't given much thught to. I guess I have my own views and problems with the act of marriage--my mother and most her family have been married multiple times and so I doubt the sincerity of the act. But I am for everyone having equal access to government benefits like shared property, next of kin in medical issues and shared child custody. That being said though, this bill raises an issue.

What is marriage really? It is a social act with fringe benefits or something that the government needs? I would argue that it is a social act--standing up in public to lay claim to someone else for life or whatever breaks them up. But if it is a government program and act then it should be held to the same criteria as other programs. And if you look it that way--then there;s a problem.

As a government adgenda and program that we are forced to examine the benefit of political intervention. If a bill is passed then it would have to have set guildlines not only for the act itself but what the purpose and outcome of this act is to be. Then we would have to create position with the political system to establish and monitor these guildlines. How do we determine these rules for something as abstract as love and relationships? It is an issue like regilion and also very connected to religon--something that we don't monitor outside of keeping it seperate from state.

And if we decide still to go forward with a government program for marriage then we would have to keep records and document the process and failures of it. That would point out the biggest problem with the entire bill. We would have to prove the value and importance of the act and government need to be involved.

We would be forced to aknowledge the fact that this is an act that has a close to 50% failure rate. That if we had any other governemnt program with that kind of failure we would be up in arms as to the taxes and efforts being put into it. That if Nasa or the Military had those type of numbers we would pull funding like that. The idea that are taxes are already being spent on the issue and that any outcome might require even more of this is useless, pointless, and just silly. But this is a question that will be brought into play as the government continues to play this out.

So I say, let the gays have marriage. It saves us alot of money, time and introspection that the American public may be surprised by at the end of the day. The government has no point being invloved in a social convention, which where marriage currently lies. That the churchs can choose to aknowledge gay marriage if they want but let us have the legal paperwork and benefits implied in the one act. It can be argued that we can set up the same rights through other means, creating more governement work, more money being spent and a waste of our taxes and the government's time. because if we continue down this road then we may open ourselves up to laws that none of us want and the actual realization of marriage's failures and problems. I say let it stand and let us all keep the hope and faith of this act about love and not the government's desire to tell any us of what is acceptable.

The Actor Studio Questions.

1) what is your favorite word? Tis, though I'm not sure why. Most likely too much Shakespeare.

2) what is your least favorite word? Mani/pedi/metrosexual. Why do we let "Sixteen" magazine create this terrible slag? I'm not crushing, in a sit. or having a mani/pedi... Use the full word!!!

3)What turns you on spiritually, emotionally, creatively? That perfect moment when the sky is blue, the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face. It cause to realize that there is always something right with the word.

The actor studio continued

4) what turns you off? Blind need. I guess because I run into this alot with relationships and some friendships. It's kind of like--will anyone do or do you want me here?

5)Favorite curse word? Bloody... It is easy to use, fun and can be used in public and around kids. All purpose.

6) Sound or noise you love? I love wind chimes, or the sound of leaves blowing aorund the ground.
7) Sound you hate? Cell phones. I guess this is a hang-up from working retail and people just answering them when you are trying to help them. They stop talking to you and you go help someone else and the phoner is pissed because you didn't wait for them to finish. Fuck you! Tis rude to answer the phone when talking with some one.
8) What profession beside yours would you love to attempt? High school guidance counsler.

9) What profession would you hate? I would hate to be the guy who cleans the backroom at LeSex Shop!

10) If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you are at the Pearly Gates? "Sorry about all the confusion. Come on in!"

LIKE A UPN SITCOM...

I blame my stupidity on my unemployment. I have reached the point where I look at so many random ads for work, some many cover letters, bad interviews that I think I finally stopped caring. I will apply for any job. Here's my resume.... Exotic dancer? Bonsai pruner? Priest? Here you go...

So, I assume that's what happened the other day. I got into the flow and kept faxing and e-mailing and giving up my resume like some type of office slut. But there has been an upside because I am much more likely to send my writing resume stuff around. Which lead me to apply to a couple of magazine/webzine/newspapers.....

So, you can imagine how excited to get a phone late the other night reagrding my writing samples and coming to interview for a magazine. So, of course, I went through all my past e-mails to figure which ad they were. Research is good for these type of things.

There was a cute singles magazine, a hippy-drippy website, and an urban webzine... I re-read the little ads....the singles was looking for internet dating stories--the hippy-drippy wanted hints about candles, tarot, incensense....the urban magazine was looking for pieces that reflect our hertiage and social history without negativity.... And that's when I realized that the Urban Minority magazine was for and about Blacks--and that I had applied for it, sending some of my "XY" (gay mag) pieces...

BUt the I realized that one of my samples refernced in a major way that I was white and so it could be that magazine that responded. Till I checked my e-mail and realized that I had some mail bounced back to me. From the singles magazine (they never got my resume) and the hippy-dippy were closing down the site for a bit. SO...

I called the urban magazine and talked with (I kid you not) Tyrone... Explained what happened and that I was confused and that I could come in if he wanted. He kind of laughed at me and said that maybe they could use a "token" and if I wanted to come in... I defered... All I could picture is an office out of BET and me slinking in... I'm telling--it is because of me that these stupid UPN sitcoms get made!

WHEN DID I BECOME A BODY PILLOW?

Okay. I am pissed! Really pissed! I have been holding back about this situtation with Kerry. Okay, he is a friend of my ex Enrique's ex roommate (and ex-boyfriend) M.F. I met him because M.F. thought that we would have fun. And since M.F. and I used to hook-up back in the day (and that we became friends too) I decided to trust his taste and meet up with Kerry.

And M.F. was right... Kerry is cute in a very Rory type of way... Glasses, a little chubby, pretty intense eyes. He was very shy when we met which caused major points with me. And so we began to talk and hang out. And yes, hook up one time.

This when things became intense. There was a lot of eye contact and kissing. More than usual. And I thought he was cool so I just figured I'd wait and see what would happen. So we would e-mail alot and talk on the phone every so often. And then his mother was coming to town and so we decided to hook-up before she came to town.

Imagine to my surprise, lying in bed afterwards and cuddling, finding out that he had a boyfriend. Who lived with. Who his mother loves. Say what you will about me but I don't play with other people's boyfriends. And I explained that if I knew his situtation that I wouldn't have let this go the way that it had. That I couldn't hook up with him anymore.

Kerry then told me about all the awful things that the boyfriend did (which M.F. confirmed) and how he wanted to leave him but he didn't know how too and that he didn't want to be alone and that he was scared. My mind glazed over after a certain point as I tried to remember if it was Erica Kane or Marlena Evans who had this conversation before starting a tawdy affair.

Then he turns the table and pulls out the "I'll leave my boyfriend for you" card. Which I thought came out kind of early for someone that he had been hooking up with and e-mailing. So I told him to back off and figure out his situtation. Then he hugged and said he wanted to sleep in my arms. ohmigod, i'm a human body pillow.

I wasn't drunk with the last post.... It's has been a little re-written.. Enjoy again...

It's Sad But There You Go...

The great new debate started with the usual suspects.... I was rehashing the couple of a parties, the hook-ups, the dramas and came to the conculsion that 2004 should be the year of the slut... (Or Yos for short...) It came from a mixture of my own behavior as well as several others (guess who) that maybe we should all take a year and be wild. I'm not talking blow jobs in parking lots or any having guy we see but that we should all be open to various relationships and not spend all our time and energy looking for the One...

I have always been a fan of this school of thought--that you should kiss all the boys, dance whenever and with whomever, that there are men and mayhem that need to happen before you find the One... I learned this from my mom. She married young and ended it quickly and threw herself into the paths of unsuitable men to some degree. That I should learn from her mistakes, that happiness and the right One come along after a hell of alot of searching. I'm not talking about one night stands (though they serve a purpose) or hook ups with the wrongs ones cause they're there but that maybe we should all relax and just enjoy the process...

And then I got smacked on my ass... It began with a Christmas present to myself. A movie that I really wanted to own and could buy with a check from the holidays... (Thanks Mom.) The film was "Beautiful Thing"; a great indy movie from the early 90's about a couple of working class gay guys and their relationship... It's funny, sweet, harsh and romantic all at once. One of the few things that can make me cry.

It started me thinking about my own views... I realized that maybe, just maybe, I do want romance. That all my talk is just a game and that maybe I do want flowers and magic and chemistry... That I want someone to light up when I walk in the room. That for all my bravo, I am just a scared person, afraid of love, afraid of the pain that it might bring. That it is ten times more brave to go into the world and believe that you deserve a nice slow dance, that maybe it would be nice to just settle for a kiss. For real dates, not booty calls or boys dropping by cause they are bored.

That I shouldn't settle for men who don't know what they want. That maybe I need to believe that I am first class, worth the effort of wooing, that I shouldn't just hide my emotions or go with the flow because it's easier than saying what I really want... That maybe I can have the wedding on the beach, the feeling of true intimacy and desire, that maybe my walls aren't me being a realist but of me being untrusting or unwilling to bend. I'm not talking about walks on the sand or poetry over a nice bottle of wine...that's something anyone can do. But of the feeling "I want you for you and you want me for me..." Not settling for what I can get but for waiting for what I deserve... Maybe it isn't the year of the slut, maybe it's the year of waiting for more than the same games... Not from them but from myself....

My Life is NOt My Own.

Okay. So I had a little freak out today and realized that my life is quite hectic. Bewteen the odd job hours and the lack of sleep during prime days I have realized that everyone and their brother will be in town for Super Bowl... Lucy is flying down from San Fran and will be hanging at the Casa Lido with Chloe, Rosel will be in town for the game and staying at Skylar's for the Super Bowl party and Willis's friend Macy is coming in from New York. On top of trying to figure out how to see all of them during two and a half days... Sunday is the opening of the play and so I am tied up in that.

And I was a little bummed about all of this because 1) I do not like the play--it is just nice....though the acting and direction is good it is just there. Hard to work myself for that. 2) Luch and Rosel don't really get along very much and so I don't know if I will be able to really see much of thme but I will try and do my best. I know that I will see Macy but Willis can't take much tgime of work so he might not see her and I have to try and force that issue. We'll see how that goes.

The other bummer is that Cord and I got our wires crossed and never met up for coffee this weekend. What is a bummer about this is that I really can't reschedule him anytime soon. And I just want to do this, meet up and get a lay of the land. But it won't happen I'm sure. This all happening with a lack of sleep is just a bad mix of sorts so... I don't know.

But I am excited to go and see Chloe tonight in Hollywood. I really want to hang with her before Lucy comes. Just so we can catch up and have a little fun. I'm sure we'll find big trouble... Who knows--maybe some cute boys!!LOL right.......

Happy New Year? Same old, same old....

So NY was more crazed than I thought and was given details the day after... It's nice to know that the more things change... And continuing that thought.... Skylar had dinner at his place the night of the 1st... I wasn't invited which is okay with me but it is akward because everyone who figured out that I wasn't coming kept saying that I was invited--that there was some mix up. Bt they were also given dishes to bring and I wasn't so... I wasn't planned to come. So I didn't though I showed up later at his place... And I had fun and enjoyed myself though I felt that certain people were pissed that I had stayed away.... If I have learned one thing from childhood is that it is NEVER worth going somewhere that you weren't invited too... You'll just feel uncomfortable and then upset on some level.

The thing that most anoyned me was that after the dinner party, as we were all leaving... There was discussion on what to do friday night... And people promised to call and let me know that was up. Now, I know this is stupid but I do feel a lot of the time that I go chasing after people to be included in things. This isn't all the times or stuff... I just feel that I often fall the cracks with my friends--things happen a lot that I am not included in. And that's okay...

The thing that I have a problem with is that, I don't have a really close friend out here... Lizzie has Kelly, Willis has his own things, Ruby has Heath and Candice....Eddie has her man... I have never had a truly close, stand alone friendship in this group with the exception of Irene... That is way things with the two of us went as long as they did--even with the problems. I was always the first person she told stuff to, the person that she called everyday, the person who let me vent and was just always there for me...

I guess how these two things tie together is... When the group doesn't call (or return my calls) I am left alone and I don't have someone to turn to... No one person that I can count on--as friend where I am important... I guess it's childish but... It is how I feel... This isn't to say that I don't love my friends but I also know where I fit... It's not bad, could just be better.....

New Years Eve... Happy 2004..... The party at the Super House was fun, all things considered though not without the usual issues, sickness and drama.... But I had fun and am able to write at the end of the night so.... good things...

I did get reflective as per the new years past... I just realized that there are certain things that I need to take control of... I guess I need to be honest and real with myself and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes....

The truth is--that my life needs to change. I mean, it's not bad or poor or anything. I have a great large group of friends and always have an ear or person to talk with... But the truth is that I don't live the life that I want more often than not. I get caught up in the drama of others and that only masks my own lack of life....

If I was truthfull, honest 100 percent then there are grand changes i need to make. I just worry so muc about the things that I would lose to get them. So instead, I talk myself out of things...guys who I could date and have relationships with. Reasons not to write or try harder with the leads I have had. Instead I hide from these things because it isn easier. My life before college, before thses friends was so different. And the lack of certain goals or events or truths makes it hard for me to believe that they can happen.

I don't believ in love or sucess or a million other things so I don't pursue them because what is the point? Instead I build up walls, build up grand designs tohide from all that I could have. And now I have to either accept that or make motions to break them. It's a scary thought but a step I have to make for myself and no one else can make that happen....

The Post-Holiday Begins....

YOu can tell that it's the end of the holidays when you get back to the usual things... Went food shopping and managed to stock up on only healthy foods.. Let's see how long this lasts and whether it has any effects on chubby Rory, eh? I also managed to clean the apartment up just in time for Mac to come home and not realize that I have been pigging out and wearing pjs for the last week. Though I do have to go to Ieka soon...the two lamps in the living rom died... What are the chances?! Still have a holiday e-mail to send and thank-yous to write and small gifts to give but that's all easy stuff...

But before I write off the entire season...along comes New Years.... New Years is my favorite of all holidays, mostly because it involves cute outfits, heavy drinking, dancing and a little reflection... It was also the only holiday that my parents could mess up as a child... There were always parties and people just chill and no fighting about where to go, who's family to see and all that drama. I have already picked out the outfit....made a game plan of events and am eager to catch up with everyone after their holiday travels..... I have a few resolutions for the new year and things to plan...

Hopefully you all have had a great time this past season and will continue to enjoy yourselves for at least the next couple of months....

Christmas Day and everything is fun..... Had a good phone talk with both Mom and Dad... Which was kind of interesting and different for me at least... Mom gave me some good gifts and even made me laugh.... She sent me pictures of her and Meggie from Halloween and I cracked up... They dressed as Winnine the Pooh and a Honey pot.... LOL Well worth the wait...

The day itself was fine with the exception of some drama... Lizzy and Willis fighting... Tension at Cissy's dinner for a little bit... But we all got over it and had fun... And as I said to Willis--"what's a holiday without drama anyways?" Food was great and everyone was really chilling after the meal... Cissy gave me a cute brown striped poor boy's hat... It is nice and cool looking...

So, the holiday was fun and entertaining and good all around. I hope you all had as much fun as I did....

Merry Christmas....

Just back from Lizzy's place where wildness reins... Christmas Eve brunch lasted all day and had tons of people and tons of fun... Willis, Dack, Bess, Mickey, Regine, Natalie.... We all drank, ate tons of food, watched movies, and talked about everything... I now know too much about the sex lives of ton of my friends but it was wild and crazy and the perfect way to forget that we weren't with our families... I did leave for a bit for something a little racy and learned that I can be surprised and became the "other woman" for the first time ever... LOL. Merry freaking christmas rory....

The best thing about the whole day was getting to know people like Mickey and Dack.. Learned a new drinking game as well... Good times.... I hope that today is just as fun... I also got the best presnt from Kelly and Lizzy... Towels for the new bathroom design... Awesome!

Every twist of the kaleidoscope...

So Saturday was the misfit christams dinner at the boys house.... Just the few of us that were still around or staying in LA during the holiday... Me, Lizzie, Kelly, Jonesy, Benji, Penn, Nick, Priscilla, Ronn and Cissy and a few other people....

It started off in a weird way--I called Lizzy and Kelly early in the afternoon, just having got out of the shower but waiting a time table for the day.. To my surprise, Lizzie today me that Kelly was going to the house early... So I ran and got dressed without even thinking about the chances of who would be there...

So we showed up at the house and it is just Nick and Priscilla, having breakfast... This was weird because of not only my tension with Nick but because of Priscilla.... She was one of Edie and mine's roommates and was just an odd living situtation... I didn't know her well but was always able to have a nice fun conversation with her and Edie was good friends with her... And then she moved in with us and was quite and kind of rude and never really said a word to either of us. It was akward because we both really liked her but she was so strange to live with.... Then when Benji and Lizzie broke up, Priscilla started dating Benji very shortly afterward which startled all of us.... The entire "don't date your friends exes" thing

Imagine me and Kelly just hanging with these two.. But it gets better... Kelly starts cooking (which I suck at) and has plenty of stuff to do while I just kind of stand there looking all types of stupid... And Nick and Priscilla weren't really happy to have us there considering they had stuff to do... I offered to help set up the tables and clean and they wouldn't let me. Me just standing there....

Then Kelly realized she had to go to the store and get more supplies while Priscilla went and hid in her room. So just me and Nick hanging in the kitchen... And then the X-mas suprise... Nick and I were not only able to talk but had a fun coinversation... Nothing to deep or anything--mostly about Edie and her travels and other random things... It was nice and kewl and I was happy that there was no tension...

And that vibe continued the rest of the night.... And I ended up cooking... I know, I know... I made gravy and helped with the dressing and did great. Nothing burned or got sick... And the group had fun and ate their fill... We all got along and interesting conversations and all that stuff. Cissy's friend Regine asked me if I would be interested in meeting her brother... He's older and jewish (I think) but I'm thinking about it... Though I wonder if it's rude to ask to see him first... But that aside... Life was fun!!! And now I can't wait for New Year's at the boys house.....

Holiday hum-drums....

So I had one of those days... Just really sad and weird and very borderline teary... These bouts don't strike me very often but when they hit it is hard to stick my pieces together... I don't know if they are tiggered by the holidays or some random combination of events but... When they hit, I just can't seem to work my way out of them and either drop out of social events and hide or force myself through the everyday things I have to do...

I know that some people might call this depression but I prefer to think out it as Melencohly... Kind of like a Jane Austen character... Just strike random piano keys in a deserted drawing room and pining for something that I cannot find words for... And it just feels like a wind blowing through everything and makes it hard to think of anything except all the suffering in the world... God, I'm depressing on a world wide web...

Okay... So just when I thought it was safe to socialize.... The return of Nick... I went to Kelly and Lizzie's for cookies, Christmas trees and lattaks... Imagine to my surprise when Nick showed up--he never comes to our parties--but then hey, he was getting a present and stuff.... SO the whole time I tried to avoid him because I wasn''t feeling up to trying to talk and getting shot down....

He briefly joined Davis and me on the porch as we smoked and it was quite awkward, mostly cause I had gone outside to avoid this. So, momments of silence then a brief talk about Ginn and then off he went inside.

The rest of the evening was fun and then he left to go to work/bed. As he was leaving he had no chocie but to talk to me.... After all he asid good-bye to everyone in the room and it would have been bad form to leave me out. So, as he says bye/happy holidays, I look at him and smile and say "I'll see you on Saturday at the dinner, right?" He was startled, I was nice and now I have to figure out whether or not we are talking or if I'll have to avoid him at the dinner. Small groups make this hard but I have hope....LOL

So tonight was the annual Christmas fun at Cissy and Ron's house.... The usual mix of people that you don't see the rest of the year for whatever reason... Light gossip and phone calls from those out of town but still in our thoughts... I managed to not only hang out with Satin... But to have fun with Stacy, Tyg's girlfriend. He and I had a long talk about the birthday fiasco and how it was kind oif messed up... But all is good with a lot of hugs and even some tears. And there wasn't the Kelly/Tyg tension from last year so....

But of course, there was the Nick tension. I don't know how much I have really written about him but here's the low down.... Nick was been a part of our group of friends for years and I have spent time with him off and on during them. He's a funny, life of the party type guy. He reminds me alot of Edie with his adventerous personality. I always wanted to be friends with him more than just part of the group but he also is quite vocal about who deos and doesn't like and so that kind of kept me away from him...

About two years ago, there was a lot of guessing about his sexuality and some thing I was always asked about. I never really thought much about it--I didn't know him very well and everyone's reasoning for the questions was kind of odd. Just because someone doesn't date alot or isn't verbal about their crushes does not a homosexual make. Then there was the night when things got strange... A group of us went to a bar for a birthday and there was a lot of drinking and carousing and well... Nicky porceeded to hit on Edie, Lizzie, Kelly... Kind of sleazy yet joking and I made fun of him... His response was to look at me (straight in th eyes) ask whether I was "jealous" and I shouldn't be...there was plenty of him to go around. It was quite odd and something that I still was thinking about later that night...

Well, low and behold, a couple of months later Nick came out. This was an odd event and one that I felt strange in being apart of... He told most of the girls and me that night and it was rather intense but I was proud of him... (if not abit confused....) Later that night, I left him a note on his door before leaving, offering myself as a sounding board if he needed one--this group can be kind of hard at times and one of the people he had yet to come out was someone I had a hard time coming out too...

This is where trouble entered the stage.... We went out a few times by ourselves and just talked about things. There was no subtext, no lingering looks but just two people talking and becoming friends. We did keep it on the downlow because of how people talk but it was just talk and nothing more. And then I opened my big mouth... I realize that he and I had a lot in common, that we wanted some of the same things... I mused outloud to couple of people that I was a little attrached to him but BUT it was not something that was going to happen. Mostly cause he had just came out of the closet and needed to deal not only with telling people but to go off and party and experiement. Not to have a instant boyfriend...

Of course, I should have know better than to say this out loud but... Needless to say, word got back to him and then suddenly we weren't friends so much as I was the guy with crush, eating my heart while all he wanted was support... And it became tense and weird... So after awhile of all of this, I decided to stand up for myself and managed to do this on New Years, at a party, while drinking (I know, I Know...) Well the talk went wwlll and we managed to clear up alot of things.... Unfortunatly I should have left when the going was good but instead...we hooked up...

Not only was this a stupid thing to do, but one of us didn't even remember the next day... And then began the pattern of "I can't talk to him cause he thinks I want him" verus the "Ohmigod we hooked up and I know he likes me and I don't wanna lead him on..." So, times we talk like to funcationing adults but the rest of the time we are idiots without the way to say hi because no one wants to do it first and neither knows how the other will react....

And of course, this dance continued into the party... I feel bad because I want to still (for whatever reason) be his friend. It would be nice to have another gay guy to talk to in this group, to go out and hit the town with, to set up with other friends I have... But it will never really happen because of one mistake. And that's what makes it sad....(yikes, I'm drunk...)

The Ghosts of Realtionships past....

So, Charity called me today and asked me to go with her to the Pier One Christmas party... This did give me pause to think, what with Vera back at the store and the large possibilty that she might bring Enrique....

Okay, Enrique was last serious boyfriend in LA and the reason that I quit Pier One among other things. It was the first break up where I felt like the only adult thing to do was to leave... That even though I was in love with the guy that I couldn't stay with someone with whom things were destined not to work out.... I saw more potenial than product with him... I wanted a guy who might wanna do the ceremony on the beach in front of our families, adopt a few kids from overseas maybe.....

Unfortunately, he wanted a guy who had no problems with threesomes, long times apart and no close firends to get in the way.... So, even though we both cried (alot) it was decided that breaking up was the best thing to do... It was all very civil and well managed except for a couple of things...

After spending two days begging me to come back he finally called me late one night just to talk as friends... He then proceeded to tell me about the hot guy at work that he always liked had asked him out on a date and that he was going the next day... I didn't take this well and proceeded to be pissed off though I didn't say much about it at the time... After a couple days of avoiding him and his phone calls, I decided to call Vera to talk.

Vera and I had been fast friends at the store and were even closer when I started to date Enrique. He worked for the company too, with us briefly and then at another location. But when things got bad, she always said we would all stay friends... This turned out not to be the case at all--leading to her lying about Enrique being at her house the night I called and picking up another line to listen in. I was pouring my heart out to her when he breaks in with "hey you wanted to do this...." Needless to say I was pissed and embrassed by the whole fiasco and didn't speak to him or her for about six months.

It wasn't till I found out that he was moving to Saleanas (Near SF) that I decided to call him up to talk. I was better off than I had been in months. At a fun new job and distarcting myself with all that entalied. We went out, had dinner, shopped and then hooked for ex-sex... We promised to keep talking but it didn't really happen.

Well, later on I found out from Mickey (his other ex, former roomate and guy that I was kind of sleeping with.... I know, I know) that Enrique had been flipped out about that night and had been telling people like him and Vera that maybe he made a mistake and should have done something more to keep me with him. I was startled by this and kind of touched in that bad Aaron Spelling drama type of way....

And now he is back in LA. I have known this for awhile and have been in several sitatutions where I have almost run into him. And he lives with Vera, works for a different company but still knows all the gang at Pier One and so there was a huge chance that I would run into him.

But I didn't and the reason that he didn't come was simple... Vera told me after a couple hours of drinking (this girl would give you her pin, social and credit cards after a couple) that he couldn't face him because he didn't know what he would do if I was in his life.... That he still wanted me and that it was too much pressure for him...

I guess this should have made me happy but at the end of the day--it is just sad. Mostly because we will run into each sooner than later and something will have to be decided. I mean, I just want him as a friend....maybe hook up...but not as a relationship. And as I try to reconnect with people like Vera his ghost will be in the way. Just because no one what will happen when we do see each other. And I don't even know myself.... I just want to get it out of the way.

So today was the last of the clothing fundraiser... Billie and I went to several different stores with 7 bags of clothes... We did mange to raise about 60 dollars and donated the rest to charity. It is slightly disturbing how little we have been able to raise but it was for a good cause... It is also disturbing that there will be a possible homeless person wearing two season's old Diesel shirts... But we had fun and it felt good to do somethingh worth while with my free time. I guess that is the point eh?

So, once again.... I managed to fuck up. Not sure what will happen with this yet but am prepared for war... Packing buckshot... Lol.

Started fine enough, Kise and I decided at last nights PADWAD meeting to hang out today... I'm going to help shop for Christmas presents and stuff.... Sounded fun and got me out of the house for a bit and so.... Off we were, to Target and Tilly's and other random stores.... We had alot of fun just hanging out and doing stuff... Something that I haven't done much with her. Kise is one of those people who you can tell wants to be your friend and hang out and stuff. It's a little heady at times, the admiration but also quite intimadating....

So, we were on our way back and stopped of to get some drugs from the market and somehow PADWAD came up... And I guess I was tired or something but suddenly I was spouting off about all these concerns I had about the group and our progress and porjects. I basically said some stuff like how I have problems working with Ruby and that we were too attached to the tragic-light film and how I felt the group wasn't a strong avenue for encouraging our seprate arts... Kise, of course, was a little freaked out and hurt and felt I was stressing too much and stated that maybe I needed not to come to meetings if I felt this way....

I do love the meetings, the work and the artistic roundtable the group allows for us. I was just tired and a little frustrated and I now I've opened the mouth too much. Because I did go off on Ruby among other things and now I'm worried that Kise will tell her what happened. She won't do it to be mean but to try and fix the problems. Which are hardly there and not to the extent that I made it sound.

So now I'm just waiting for a phone call and to be busted. But maybe I am overthinking this too. I tend to do that.

Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)

So, are you seeing someone?

I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.

The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....

"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"

"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.

I'm an asshole tonight.... Wasn't really the plan or anything but I did fuck up and there is little I can do to fix. Tonight is Tyg's 30th birthday and I'm not there. If you don't know who he is.... Tyg used to date Kelly date a coypole years ago--they were hot and heavy and stuff and they then they broke up after living togther among others things. The situtation was poorly handed by all sides and a lot of friendships were lost bewteen her and his friends.... But he and I managed to stay close...

He's one of the few guys that I have ever been good friends with... He's just kind and very open and once he is your firend--that's it. Nothing that he won't do for you, no place he won't be be.... It's hard to see that sometimes because of Tygf's rough extrior but he is just one of those people who really loves his friends and considers them family... No questions asked....

And here I am, not at his party..... I didn't plan it this way... I just kind of figured I could go down to Torrance with Donnie or Sklyar or something. I had actually made noises about wanting to go to Davis at Thanksgiving and so I just figured I would end up there. How I was I to know that.... Last minute everyone would go together... In one car so that if the party (in Skylar's words....) "was lame then they could go get milk shakes....." (Okay. That was bitchy. But...) And now I feel like a heel and Tyg's new girlfriend already hates me... Just another nail in that coffee.... I don't even know how to make up for this.... any advice?

Sorry I missed a day but life has a strange way of sneak attacking when you least expect it.... When on a great job interview yesterday for a clothing resale boutique... I really want this job for many reason but mostly because it seems like it would be fun, creative and kewl and a challenge as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I wait this one out. Then my "friend" Mickey came over and had a great time.... I have definately missed sex during my sickness and made up for lost time.... He's quite fun in bed and the type of guy I would totally like if I met while out and about. And today was great for me writing wise as well. I have a PADWAD meeting tonight with Ruby and Kise and I am excited. I just wrote about 30 pages of work and am quite happy with my talents as of late. Hopefully I can keep up the good work. Well... that's about it... Tomorrow Billie and I have to sort clothing and start a plan for the resale fundraiser. Hopefully it will go well. Wish us luck....

So a funny thing happened tonight.... Skylar and Thomas had a little dinner/get together at their apartment and it was fun.... The same crowd at Thanksgiving with some changes and I was able to have a good time the whole night long. The high point was when I realized that Benji had revealed Jonsey's secrt to the party and I had the oppurtunity to rub that fact in Skylar's face. Not in a mean way but I did make an effort to point that I wasn't the one who spilled the secert. Outside of that, I had a great time.... Though there was a depressing element

I found out from Jac's dad that the Right Wing Webpage does have the right to post the pieces of my article... SO I am allowed to be the spoke person for the religious right. Well, any work is good work right? And my name is ouit there.....