Accountabilty

My last cigarette was slim, purple, and with a gold tip. Nothing less the best for the end of an era. I realzied that with this birthday I would have been a smoker for half of my life--a very somber realization.

...

It's not like I haven't tried to quit before--I have tried what feels like a million times. I tried cold turkey, with gum, with hard candy and the little patches. I tried giving up things like wine and coffee to get my head around the association--I tried using sex as a replacement, shopping for clothes as an enticement, even sleeping away my cravings.

Nothing ever stuck.

People who have never had to fight an addiction can only imagine what it feels like--what they're shown in movies and tv, what they read in novels and biographies, hear in the lyrics of the sad little songs. The thing is--addiction is nothing like that when it comes to most people. I'm not hookering myself out for cash, I'm not shaking on the floor, I'm not losing jobs or cheating on boyfriends for a fix.

But I have used old butts to string together a cigarette, I have counted out to my last penny to buy a pack, I have snuck out of events both work and social for my fix. I walked in the rain and smoked in the coldest weather to do this habit. I know how hard I have made things because of my smoking. I just want it to stop.

And the thing is--I have a past with addiction. I was a bulimic in high school--continued to binge and purge at points during college and even life in LA. I learned how to move beyond it, how to talk myself through those moments and how to exist without it. I worked through the reasons I have made those choices; the insecurity from my childhood and high school, the feeling that I would never be hot enough as a gay man, the feelings of lonliness and unattractiveness. I managed my feelings in a new way and while my body/food/mind/sex appeal will always be hard to understand--I know how to cope.

But with smoking--it has been much harder. Part of it is I cannot find the root of what it does for me. Part of it is the actual cravings but there is so much more to the experience then that. Part of it is how I use the smoking as a way to not eat, part of it is a way to deal with my social anxiety, part of it is a way to give space when I am upset or stressing or whatever emotion or situation I am choosing to ignore.

When I do try and quit and fail--it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it's an obvious emtional trigger--something is stressing me out and I want that space and comfort. Sometimes it has been panic attacks and sudden anxiety. Sometimes it has been the comfort of an old friend and memories. Unlike my food issues I haven't figure out what to put in it's place. Maybe it should be words?

I don't know.

And what makes it harder is how the failure feels. I feel like so many people in my life have moved on from smoking easily--Nolan, Joy, Willie were all smokers on par with me and have each quick in seemingly easy ways. We have talked about it at various points but it always felt like their struggle was so not mine. And then there are the social smokers--the Lolas and the Kellys who would pick up the habit for a bit and then one day just stop. Easy and simply without even the appearence of difficulty.

I had to find a way. I know there are a million different possibilties. People with patches and gums, pills from the doctor, needles and massage, hypnotism. A million other ways to handle the problem.

All I know is I want it over. I'm tired of living like this--tired of feeling so out of control. I guess that is why I am putting it out there--to try and make myself accountable--not to you--but to myself in a new way. Hiding my attempts makes it easier to fail.

This makes me accountable.

Liberty of London was Child's Play

I am OBSESSED with the designs of Missoni--I first really got into that look while working on the Rachel Zoe Project. We had an episode about visit the family's fashion house and the neat looks, knits and colors there. I love a fun pattern and I love the mix and match ideal that they have.

So Target is making me lose my mind



I love the simplcity of the black cardigan with the fun of design.



I love things that are stylish and simple. Just so amazing



This makes me want to change my whole room... So warm and inviting



It just looks lux and pretty and my favorite colors



And I will kill for this. Like step on your ass and knock you down for this.

I will be there on September 13th in full padding. Wearing a cup.

Ready to fight for it. Makes liberty look like cheap shit

Quote of the Day

From Garrick regarding Nolan possibly being in a college dorm.

"Bang those freshman like their daddy never loved them. "

For me please

a new drink recipe to try

Old Cuban

Description
Rum, Champagne, Angostura bitters, Simple syrup, Lime juice, Mint
Ingredients
1 1⁄2 oz Rum, Barbancourt (or Bacardi 8 yr)
3⁄4 oz Lime juice
1 oz Simple syrup
6 lf Mint
2 ds Angostura bitters
1 oz Champagne (float)
Instructions
Lightly muddle mint, lime, simple. Add rum, bitters and ice. Shake. Double strain into cocktail glass. Float champagne.

Dear Esty



NO No no... There has to be better things to do with your time than this.

Volunteer or something

Be Who You Are--Not Who You Were.strong>

So I am planning a party.

I hate parties.

I don't hate the act of parties--the music, clothes, dancing, socializing.... These are all things I like. But I hate the drama that comes with putting together the event. Part of me thinks it is because I never like being the center of attention, the one in focus but the other part of me thinks it is about my doubts and insecurities as a person.

I have some.

But a few weeks ago I was hanging out with the BB people--even with me no longer on the show I still make an effort to head out for their weekly drinks. The people on the show have become friends and a part of my life in unexpected ways. It's not normally something that happens with people I work with.

Not sure why.

I decided to randomly invite a bunch of the people from that world to the party that Kelly is throwing for my birthday. I was surprised at how quickly I got positive answers and how many people wanted to come. I don't ever think of myself as someone who gets that type of attention.

There is always a part of me that is still the small town boy from Pepperell--the kid who never went out on the weekends, never attended Homecoming, never needed to worry about overbooking. My life has changed in some many ways since then but at the end of the day--alone with myself--that is how I see things. Still working towards making people like me, doing everything I can to make people like me, never needed or wanted but just a part of the scenary.

But the truth is I am not that person anymore. I do have people who care about me, miss me when I am not around, who care and want to do for me. I have to learn to embrace that fact and embrace that person. I don't mean to say I'm the belle of the ball, or someone who needs all eyes on him but I am not ingored or lonely either.

I have trust in that and act accordingly.

Oh Esty

Seriously people



who does this to someone? what crime is being committed... And can I do it twice so I can get two of these for the fall season?

But least we forget



Hipsters will make and wear anything. This is why I hate them.

I WANTS THIS STUFF

I am kind of obsessed with furniture and once I see something I like--cannot stop thinking about it... Even if expensive and possibly ridiculous.

Like this here



At least this could work out to be practical... We do need a new dining room table--it has an extension leaf for it--it is the right shade of blue that I currently love... But i cannot justify the money/moving expense for it.

SIGH

But my love for this other piece is just ridiculous



It has no basis in reality and yet

Music Whore

So this isn't so much about an album as much as it is about a service. I am OBSESSED with Spotify--the new music service that just hit stateside. It's a free--for now at least--service that allows you to have an "itunes like" experience by setting up playlists, finding various songs on the web but also adds a social media experience through both twitter and facebook if you choose.

I love the fact that whatever playlists I make on one computer are available on any other computer I have to use---the idea of my music following me with no real effort is a great deal to have when you work freelance and don;t like to drag your own computer from job to job.

Add in the idea of being able to see friends' own lists on-line, email or post songs and playlists to share and it just creates an amazing open and easy to maintain musical source.

I loved it so much that I had to play with for 2 1/2 hours when I first downloaded the program. And I am one of the least musical of my friends...

Getting Served!

I suspect I am about to get served tonight... Johnno and I are having dinner with a lesbian couple tonight--one of the girls is a friend of his from Seattle who now lives in LA--and this will be the first time we have seen them since becoming engaged. This is only important because they are the only other engaged gay couple we know--and their wedding is coming up this fall.

which will be nice.

However i am sure this dinner will revolve around those type of conversations--weddings weddings gay weddings. Johnno and i have yet to make any serious or real progress on that issue for ourselves but I suspect that tonight's conversation will be all about that on some level.

I can't tell why i am so weird put off about discussing this. Maybe because we don't have any date, maybe because we have yet to sit down and look at money and how to pay for things, maybe because we're not at all sure what we want.

I know ignoring things doesn't make them easier but I'm being a baby and want my head in the sand a bit longer.

Le sigh

Being An Adult

Means you cannot have things like this anymore.



It comes in a lunch bag--seen here--but also a backpack in kids' size. All kinds of animals and they are equally awesome. I kind of wish Lucy had not exposed me to this.

I mean I just so badly want one but somehow think I would like a bit too old for it. Even though I wear backpacks and old Hot Topic t-shirts to work everyday--I work it would get Chris Hanson on my ass.

Wait--What?!

I have many a time--both in person and on the nets--talked about my unending love for Christopher Pike as a young adult writer. I have even come to find that when you are with people of the right age group--they can remember the names and plots of most all of his books.

The ones that really get people talking is the Final Friends series...his tribute to murder, sex, mystery and high school. Johnno's friend Andrea and I bonded over this series the first or second time we met, Lola and I have had many a spirited conversation as we rehashed the characters and plot and even friends as far away as Europe knew the story as well as I.

So I was stoked when I heard it was being released this year. But not so stoked about this part of the deal....



They have renamed the series.

I'm sure this is some logical reason behind this... a tricky marketing ploy so people won't search on line for the plot on wikipedia.... Maybe an attempt to try and lure in new readers.... Something that can later be spun into a CW/ABC Family show.... I don't know.

I just don't like it. It makes the series seem more melodramatic than it was--with Twilight-ish cover art. Just a very disappointing choice. I know I should be happy it is being reissued at all.

And yet

The Book Project

I'm getting to slightly over midpoint of the book project. i promised myself I would read sixty books this year and while it has been going well--I have been a bit derailed. I think part of the problem is book selection.

When Johnno's store--aka Borders--closed down we made a huge list of authors to buy that we either didn't own or had owned in the past but had no current copies. For me that meant by a lot of F Scott Fitzgerald and Truman Capote... Which is good and all but...

I cannot keep flipping between those two authors--it is rather depressing.

I think that is why I have slowed down on my book consumption--it's hard when it begins to feel like it is just more boiled veggies.... Not that I don't love both those authors to death but I couldn't even do this time of reading with only Christopher Pike books

Which is saying a lot.

Crabby Pants Lapointestein

Trying not to be crabby. Trying really hard but it is not working out yet. I have been on edge partially about work, weight, time, effort and a million other things. I'm making better choices hopefully but it still does not take away my desire to cut a motherfucker's head off every so often.

I need to chill

Or drink at work

Possibly both

Design Whore

I'm thinking it might be time for something new in the master suite of the Dollhouse. I tend to like to switch it up every so often but I wonder if this would be too dramatic.



It's very Mad Men meets Valley of the Dolls which is how I roll. But maybe it is too much of a good thing. I wouldn't do the pink. I think.

The Life You Save May Be Your Own

I went away this weekend. Not the most earth shattering experience for most people but this is not something I usually do. I don't normal take vacations but without Bb to eat up my summer I was able to finally take some time for myself.

Edie and her brother have a party every summer in their family cabin in one of those "fly over" states. It's been going on for almost ten years and while I have had an invite I have never gone. Johnno decided for my birthday to give me free plane tickets he had earned and I managed to make them work out so i could head out to the party this summer along with a handful of other LA virgins.

It was the right call to make.

Now while I cannot talk about what went down--one of the rules of the party--I was able to actually try and relax. there was boathouse dancing, shots out of skis, meeting infamous friends and some light nudity. It was odd to be out in the middle of nowhere on a river with nothing to do but wear a bathing suit, drink up and hangout.

I'm glad i did it.

And while I wasn't able to fully shake my social issues--I spent time kind of being aloof which is par for the course--I was able to actual relax. i didn't realize how much so until I was flying back to LA. There was this moment waiting for my flight when I suddenly realized exactly how LA people are--and how I have become so immune to it.

I usually don't ever feel the LA shame--that realization of how shallow and demanding LA people usually are. It is always so "do you know who I am? I'm important and matter" that is so unappealing and badly mannered. But I saw it and it effected me in ways I have never seen.

As I stared out the window of the plane, I suddenly felt how much stress I really care. I have become so much about my career, my appearance, the go-go-go of life that I forget to relax. I mused about what this means and how I can try and take what I learned and turn it into something more positive. It became about focusing on my friends more than the gossip, about working on things that matter more than working on the career, on focus on what can take the stress away and what really has meaning to me.

It was eye opening.

And I am still processing this. If you had told me how much this weekend would change my internal settings I would have laughed at you. But for the first time in a long time I became focused on Rory--not the "Rory". It has to mean something when I had a practical panic attack on the plane ride home--it was a sign of something to be done.

And this doesn't mean I hate LA or regret the choices I have made. Being so on the move has given me things I love; a career i am proud of, great friends with an amazing social life, goals when it comes to my body and the life style I want to lead. But now I know it needs balance.

Who would have thought that a few days in just a bathing suit and bad hair would cause such a thought provoking change of heart? Not me.

Indiana Rory and the Tunnel of Love

I almost escpaed. I had my hand on the door handle when it went off the rails.

Now beofre I begin this post let me be clear on the following--I do like Johnno's parents. It's just that they are so hit or miss when it comes to me and their son. Sometimes they are friendly and the conversation flows easily but other times there is a disconnect. Like faulty wiring.

Last weekend they came to town for their annual visit. His dad has old college friends Sam and Abby who live down the way and so they make a yearly trip to catch up. I knew that this was upcoming and without BB as an excuse to miss out--i was down for at least one dinner.

But neither of us had seen his parents post the engagement and while they were supposedly supportive over the phone--I would be foolish to not expect something else in the flesh. And in the week before the visit we had finally found and were wearing engagement rings. I had tracked something fun from Esty for us to pick from and they arrived shortly before the trip.

The dinner itself was fine. His mother was perky and excited to see me as well as her son. She made a point of having u tell Sam and Abby about the engagement--I was worried that they would be very over the top in their response since they are both pro-gay marriage but they held themselves back.

We made it through the meal with little issue. Conversation jumped from sports to weather to career to family isssues. It was awkward at points but i figured that was just me--my family is very good at small talk about other things like films and TV where his is not. But we made it through the night and everyone passed with flying colors.

It wasn't until we headed for the door that anything went amiss. Johnno was saying good bye and I had already thanked both his father for his gift (a book about Jane Austen) and the hosts for the meal. My hand was on the door knob and about to exit when I heard the following phrase.

"What is that on your hand?"

Now I debate just pushing my way out of the house. I knew that Johnno's father had finally noticed the engagement ring but I also knew that it would be awkward. I listened as Johnno--in a cheerful voice as is his way--explained the ring and how he got it. Both his parents fell silent for a beat then his father encouraged us to leave. Not in a rude way but in a "you have to work the next day so go home now".

I could tell he was uncomfortable at the idea of his son wearing a ring with a stone in it. That all the ring meant was more proof of his gay son and his possible marriage to another man. I tried not to hold it against--I debated showing off my engagement ring as well but realized I don't want that fight.

Not an actual fight.

I am tired though of worrying about how his parents will handle us. They have had plenty of time to adjust to their gay son. It doesn't help matters that their daughter has had more than a couple of marriages and they constantly trip over themselves to pay for the event. I just wish they were excited and eager for us.

But they try and he tries and I try. Maybe one day it will be less about that.

At least I didn't push the door open and walk out. It's all about small steps really.

Swimming With Sharks AKA Its Only TV

I got screamed at by my boss today.

When I say screamed I don't mean yelled at. I don't mean a snotty exchange. I mean full on loud voice, probably red-faced, loud and scary.

It sucked.

Actually it more than sucked. If it hadn't happened over the phone and in person I probably would have quit my job and left the office ASAP. I don't like being spoken to that way--I don't think anyone does. And the few times in my life where that has happened I either cut the person completely out of my life or don't allow them into in the first place.

And what makes the situtation worse is that I wasn't responsible for what happened in the first place. I couldn't have prevented the issue and I did actually try and address the issue weeks back with my co-workers. And when I found out later that one of them was present when this happened and said nothing--it was even worse.

It made me second guess myself and the job. he accused me of being bad at it, not paying attention and none of that is true. Frankly--if I hadn't just extended the job I would have left if offered the extension now. I was disturbed enough to almost cry which I never do--just goes to show how bad this all was. But i'm not the type of person to walk away and go back on my word.

And the worst part is that I like my boss. He has been amazing at points--an executive who gives chances, is very flexible when it comes to the job and he leads a great team of people.

Now I am at a loss of what to do. I avoided him all day today, the few moments we ran into each other we didn't speak and tomorrow we have a major meeting of the whole staff. I don't play to do anything except just sit there and hope to be ignored. And that is not me.

But I cannot shake how horrible he made me feel today. I just can't.

It sucked.

Swimming With Sharks AKA Its Only TV

I got screamed at by my boss today.

When I say screamed I don't mean yelled at. I don't mean a snotty exchange. I mean full on loud voice, probably red-faced, loud and scary.

It sucked.

Actually it more than sucked. If it hadn't happened over the phone and in person I probably would have quit my job and left the office ASAP. I don't like being spoken to that way--I don't think anyone does. And the few times in my life where that has happened I either cut the person completely out of my life or don't allow them into in the first place.

And what makes the situtation worse is that I wasn't responsible for what happened in the first place. I couldn't have prevented the issue and I did actually try and address the issue weeks back with my co-workers. And when I found out later that one of them was present when this happened and said nothing--it was even worse.

It made me second guess myself and the job. he accused me of being bad at it, not paying attention and none of that is true. Frankly--if I hadn't just extended the job I would have left if offered the extension now. I was disturbed enough to almost cry which I never do--just goes to show how bad this all was. But i'm not the type of person to walk away and go back on my word.

And the worst part is that I like my boss. He has been amazing at points--an executive who gives chances, is very flexible when it comes to the job and he leads a great team of people.

Now I am at a loss of what to do. I avoided him all day today, the few moments we ran into each other we didn't speak and tomorrow we have a major meeting of the whole staff. I don't play to do anything except just sit there and hope to be ignored. And that is not me.

But I cannot shake how horrible he made me feel today. I just can't.

It sucked.

Quote of the Day

I known it has been awhile but Joy said this today in response to planning my birthday


Good thing you are finally turning 21. All these birthday outings to Dave & Busters have been annoying me.

Today's Annoying Wedding Fact

According to tradition in some countries (derived from Roman belief), the wedding ring is worn on the left ring finger because the vein in the left ring finger, referred to as the vena amoris, was believed to be directly connected to the heart, a symbol of love.

I just always wondered why the left hand

The Dollhouse Does Not Allow Pets--Outside of Boyfriends

So we have bugs in the DH. We have had varitions of bugs in the DH off and on for a year or so. First we somehow got termites; nasty little bugs that were in the shower and then in my room. One actually crawled across my face while sleeping which led to me freaking out and getting real.

We had the place treated.

But of course this was a song and dance--miscommunication with the landlord about what we had to do, when to do it and how long we had to deal with this made me for the first time consider moving out of the DH. It didn't help that each time we had to deal with this led to me taking apart my room and made a very cranky Rory.

And then we got cockroaches.

Now this is something that has NEVER happened in the 13 years of the DH. It was gross and while Johnno and Lola both dealt with it--he had dealing with bugs in the past and Lola grew up in Costa Rica so was unphased--I finally had enough and demanded that we do something about it.

now the landlord--rightfully so--knew this was a novel thing so we tried traps and sprays and other easy remedies. But now we are at the point where nothing has worked and tomorrow they are coming to spray the kitchen and the bathrooms. I hopefully that this will be the end but every other time has been a pain so...

Fingers crossed that we will soon be back to our no pets policy

The Lazy River Awaits

So this time next week I will be in the middle of nowhere, drunkenly floating on a river and possibly sunburnt and mostly likely smelly. One of the perks of this summer--turning down BB--and the perks of my job--they can be so flexible--is that I am able to do things that normally I have had to turn down.

In this case it is travel.

Every summer Edie's brother Edward hosts a group of friends at the family cabin out in the middle of the woods. Edie herself goes when she is not working and the invite has always been extended to any of us LA friends who want to make the trip. This year Johnno decided that my birthday gift would be free tickets to anywhere I wanted to go in the states and while I tried to make certain other places work--San Fran--I just could not pass up on the chance to head to the Midwest.

It is funny that in all our years of friendship I have never been to see where Edie grew up. It's not that I couldn't or that she would turn me away but I just never felt that it was the right thing. But with Edward getting married next year and everything--it just worked out between my job and Johnno's gift to be the right time to make the trip.

It helps that Edie, Valeska, Kelly, Dominic and Isabella will all be making the same trip. It will be fun for the LA kids to be somewhere new and take part in the tradition. The only bummmer is that I am going with Johnno--I always feel sad when one of else gets to do amazing things without the other--but I know that we will both have fun regardless.

That being said--I have no idea what to pack. Between a lack of beds, possible plumbing and bathing in a river I will be all out of sorts. But I will get to met Chantal--Edie's Chicago friend, drink in the woods like a farmboy and possibly find a new tradition. I can do this

Alls Well That Ends Well

So my co-wroker is leaving his job at the end of the month. I had started to suspect as much--he and another co-worker of mine were rather unsubtly working on his resume and coverletters but I didn't read too much into it. Mostly because when I did I would get annoyed I was picking up his slack while he hunted for elsewhere.

Nonetheless--Hutch told me that he was leaving LA at the end of the month but would still be working on the show in New York. Happy endings for all... Of course this has led me and my co-worker Hektor to be a bit snarky about the whole thing. Its rare that I am flat out mean but it is novel to have a straight male worker who I get along so well. I like him.

And then Craig--my boss--finally came to me and asked me to stay on for the next cycle of the show. It is a relief to have my life planned out till at least Thanksgiving--if not longer--and allows me to be flexible with my time and my money. While I have liked almost every show I have worked on it is rare to feel so good about the money and the location and my co-workers. I find myself enjoying it immensely.

It doesn't mean that I don't miss BB. I miss hanging out with my friends there, the pace and craziness of the show, the whole summer camp vibe. But making this choice is the right one--I can have my social life, work on things with Johnno and get to do things that I like to do without the schedule of the summer hampering me. It feels nice.

I guess it has all worked out for the best.

When Boredom Hits The Office

Last week my co-workers and I spent one whole day at work, bored out of our minds and talking about random and weird things. Somehow it came up about how soap operas are dying but would probably come back around as a reboot at some point like almost everything else. Discovering that we were all fans of different shows, we each picked one and wrote our own version of a reboot... Here is mine for "General Hospital."


I think for any reboot idea you have to get back to the bare bones of the show but keeping key characters and story points as a part of the new history. I would love to do a good General Hospital reboot with a focus on the original characters mixed with popular characters… I would have the hospital be the focus but also keep the adventure and mob aspects as part of the story as the show goes. (Mostly because whether we like it or not—they are part of the show’s history.) Take the best of each era and try and mix it all together.

I would obviously start out with a young 30s hunk named Steve Hardy—a compassionate and well liked general practitioner with a way for managing both his patients and the politics of hospital life. His best friend and fellow doctor is a young 30 something pediatrician named Jessie Brewer—when not working together on cases they spend their days in the break room and talk about their personal lives. Of course Steve is too dedicated to have much of one but Jessie’s complicated marriage to Phil Brewer provides more than enough conversation.

Of course Phil Brewer would hate to know that Steve is butting in on his marriage—the young and cocky researcher has little use for the Good Samaritans of the world including his wife Jessie. While he loves her simple nature and sweet behavior, Phil finds it even more useful that being married to Jessie serves as the perfect political salve for when he goes too far. It’s not that Phil’s a bad doctor—in fact he is a genius research doctor who is just starting to get national recognition when he’s not out drinking and bedding prostitutes.

And Phil’s skill has proven to be a money maker not just for the hospital but for the local corporation—ELQ—pharamuticals love creating new money makers. The company’s namesake Edward Quartermaine has no use for the brash doctor but Brewer’s work does provide a tidy profit. The only thing that 40 something Edward loves more than profit is his gentle and refined wife Lila (40s)—and sometimes his two children young medical intern Alan (23) and spoiled dilettante Tracy (21). While Alan is desperate to have his father respect him—wrangling himself an internship under his father’s star Dr. Brewer, Tracy is always trying schemes to get her father’s attention. Most outsiders would say that her spirited but bitchy nature comes from Edward—turns out that Tracy is more like Lila than anyone would guess.

Despite Lila’s blueblood background, she once spent time out in the world and having adventures of her own-- most notably backpacking across Africa with her dear friend—and private school classmate—Helene Hardwick. The two debutants spent their days volunteering with local tribes and using their family connections to raise money for Doctors Without Borders. That sense of community and charity stuck with Lila and when it came time to open a free clinic in the town of Port Charles—due to a PR fiasco with Dr. Brewer and the company—Lila called on her old childhood friend to come oversee the project.

And Helene (40s)—along with her husband Lars Webber (50) and son Jeff (21)—needed a reason to live and hoped that this new project would provide focus. Her marriage hit shaky ground after her oldest son Rick (26) disappeared and was presumed dead while working with Doctors Without Borders in Somalia—something Lars blamed his wife for. Lars has never been one for pipe dreams and unlike his wife, he relished the chance to mix the kind of wealth her “dear old friends” provided instead of rejecting the privileged life like his wife was known to do. Meanwhile third year medical student Jeff mostly felt lost—between his older sister Terri (28) fleeing the family for reasons unknown and his idolized brother being dead—he felt as if his family has forgotten about him in all the fighting and blame games.

But hopefully enlisting in the medical school at Port Charles University, away from ghost of Rick and the absence of Terri, would give Jeff the fresh start he needs. No one who knows him, no one who knows his family—just new faces to meet. Like the young and ambitious Monica Barb (20)—a talented and crafty medical student who despite her background—foster homes and group living—has managed to make her way through the expense of medical school. Monica may be smart but it helps that she has the looks and drive to make people bend to her will—whether it is securing scholarship money from the ELQ trust or using her sex appeal with various professors. She may play the sex card but isn’t selling it like some people in her neighborhood.

Such as Barbara Jean Spencer. Some would call the 15 year old redhead a street waif but she isn’t alone in the world—it’s just her brother Luke (19) is serving time in juvie and her Aunt Ruby (40s) tries to keep their relationship low profile. It’s one thing to run a whorehouse while paying off the mob and the local police but Ruby knew she couldn’t talk her way around raising a teenager in that environment even with friends in “high places”. Instead “Bobbie” lives on her own in an efficiency apartment across the way from Monica Bard and down the hall from her mysterious classmate Michael and his mother Adella—which is good for her now that she is pregnant and hiding it from everyone. If Ruby ever found out that Bobbie was hooking herself on the street like common trash—even if to high end doctors like Phil Brewer--she could get a real beat down.

And being beat down is something Adella (late 30s) knows all about. On the run from her 2nd husband and desperately hiding out with her son Michael (16), Adella hoped that she finally found a chance to escape the violence of her past. She could take it when Deke would hit her but once he went after “Sonny”--for nothing more than not being his son—it was time to find a new home and a new life. And with her make-do job as a custodian at General Hospital she might eventually be able to break free, send her boy to college, maybe get herself a nursing degree and get them both off the streets for good.

If only head nurse Lucille March (late 30s) didn’t seem to dislike her so much… Everyone at the hospital, even new hires like Adella, knew to stay out of the way of the crusty, gossipy and strict Lucille. Some people said it was because she was an old maid—single and in her 40s!!!--and jealous of the young girls chasing doctors but the truth was Lucille had always been this way. No man had ever broke her heart—though there were a couple women who might have—but having to raise her own sister single handled was more than enough to break anyone’s spirit. Audrey March had always marched to her own drum—and being pretty and popular didn’t endear her to Lucille anymore than the rest else had. Her thirst for adventure and capacity for drama had led Audrey in every direction—one minute getting a nursing degree and the next off to see the world as documentarian following medical missions of mercy. Audrey wouldn’t have even come back to Port Charles—she had some many places left to see before she turned 30—but an opportunity to document the test trials of ELQ’s latest wonder drug led her home. Of course she still likes to cause trouble and break the rules—quickly becoming the talk of Lucille, Jessie and even Steve!

And Audrey’s drama goes well beyond break room gossip. Down the official halls of General hospital, Lee Baldwin’s (late 30s) job as the go-to-man for many of the hospital crisis’s runs the gamut from legal issues in patient care all the way to the possible legal problems from a “guerilla style” documentary being shot under his watch. But even through all the fast paced stress of hospital life, the widowed father of two still made time for his children back at home. And while 20 something Brooke Baldwin might shy away from being called a child—she was too mature for that and too willing to prove it—his young son Scotty (17) was more then willing to behave and make home life easy. Scotty desperately wanted to finish high school and start college, follow his dad into the law but Brooke was more interested in finding a hot young doctor to bed and make herself into something more than middle class.

And Brooke would get her wish—getting herself a cushy job as a babysitter for the upper middleclass Vining family. Jason Vining (40) was a professor at the local medical school and held many a study session at the family home—giving Brooke access to many a young doctor—and his charming if gruff exterior made him popular with students like Monica and Jeff. His wife Barbara (late 30s) was another story—she didn’t understand why they need a sultry young babysitter like Brooke around the house—their daughters Laura (15) and Amy (13) were both in their teens. And even if Laura could be moody--constantly running around with Scotty Baldwin--while Amy was no ease to raise; she could always cut back her hours nursing since Jason made enough money. But she always found it easier to accommodate Jason’s moods ever since the accident that took away his ability to practice medicine or even father children--she knew how hard it was for him to connect to her much less their two adopted daughters.

AND SO BEGINS THE STORY.

The Sickness Is In Your Mind

I thought I had spent the last week or so being sick--off and on. I hung out with people who ended up getting sick shortly after seeing me; Edie with bronchitis and Dominic with something that required 3 antibiotics and a steroid. I would say that my fears of a lingering illness were more than well founded.

So I waited.

I hate doctors--or the expense of doctors more than anything. I only went to see one after a text conversation about good places to go without insurance--i was supposed to be seeing babies this weekend and wanted to be healthy before doing that. So off I went to CVS to get a quick check up for a nurse practitioner--prepared for the worst.

Turns out I have sinus allergies. Ones that allowed me to have codeine coffee medicine to sleep at night. That strong I guess

I have never had allergies so this was something knew to me. New drugs, new coping techniques for dealing with things, and the realization that this may be something I have had before and just not known it. Which is weird because I have a huge list of other allergies I am well aware of.

But at least I wasn't sick. Like sick sick or anything. Like gross.

(I fully expect a punch from either Edie or Dominic for this post)

This Is Not A Wedding Blog

This is what I want as my birthday gift to myself



Of course this is obviously expensive and I don't even know what I would do with it but... Since when has any of that stopped me before????

Thanks to Valeska for making sure I knew to buy this

Put A Ring On It

Today's jam



So we don't have engagement rings. This has been a subject of debate and curiosity amongst people as they have heard about or seen me and Johnno post engagement. Now I wasn't sure how to handle that idea--only one of us having a ring would seem to put one of as the "girl" but to find something for both us without discussing it seemed risky. I had never really given much thought as to whether I would even want a ring for myself but knew if Johnno wanted one I would follow suit.

This was also the first question my mother asked once she heard the news. That and when she could actually meet him--cause I'm an awful son like that. But she did says that engagements are like children--if you wait for the perfect time you might never have one. Though--as has been pointed out by several friends--my mother's track record with engagements might make her advice on happy ever after a bit--shoddy.

Four times people. Four.

Once it was decided that we should due rings--mostly due to the fact that we would be a long engagement--I started my search on-line for something we would both like. I have no desire to set foot in any jewelry store and the idea of having to do so makes me want to break out in hives. Like Carrie Bradshaw in the ugly wedding dress on "Sex In The City" hives.

Yikes.

But of course there isn't a lot of great options out there. I don't want to end up with something too close to a wedding band since that is for later, or something to crazy expensive become we won't be wearing it forever, and something funky and stylish as we both are. It's hard because there is not a lot of mens ring stores out there and even fewer that carry engagement style rings. And I have fat fingers.

FAT FINGERS PEOPLE!!!!

I discovered this last night as we measured our ring fingers together. Of course Johnno has a dainty sized finger--he could even wear women's rings if he chose--while I have an above average sized digit. What this means is that if he likes a ring it usually doesn't come in my size and vise versa. it sucks because we have found a couple things that we like and they can't be resized and so we have to move on to the next option.

Did I mention I have FAT FINGERS?!

I have known that through the idea of this wedding that I would have body issues and gender issues but i didn't expect to look at lady rings for Johnno or debate how to best lose hand fat.

Put a ring on it indeed.

Champagne, Strippers and a Pair of Jens—Or How I Got Engaged

It started off simply with another run-of-the-mill trip to Las Vegas. When I say that we’re talking dancing till 5am, drinks throughout the day and at least one over-the-top party thrown by one of my best friends—Kelly. She decided it was time for another high-end birthday party on the Strip and found the club, the view and the guest list to make it happen.

There were about 30 of us—give or take—in the city from all over the country. There were the LA friends, the Boston friends, the New York friends—a combination of classmates, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends and even a coworker or two—at the Mix nightclub at the top of the Mandalay Bay Hotel. There was champagne and vodka, everyone dressed up and dancing, conversations and sharing through the early hours of the night. We were all out to have a good time in honor of a good friend.

Of course eventually the party had to wind down and various people split off into their own smaller groups to continue to try and keep the night going elsewhere. Clubbing, barhopping, gambling, eating were all on the agenda but for some people it was more a time for “Go the F*ck To Sleep” and for others it was more “Where The Wild Things Are” as we all spilled our way back on to the Strip.

You can guess where I ended up in that division.

There was a small group of us including Johnno, Edie, her brother and his fiancée Isabella, Valeska and a handful of others heading back out to the casinos to try and charm our way into another bar or club. After a handful of hits and misses—no $900 cover for us because they should be PAYING us $900 to join their party—we ended up deciding to meet up with a handful of people at the Glitter Gulch strip club downtown.

Yep. Lady strip club time.

In the melee of exiting, somehow I ended up in a taxi with Edward and Isabella while the rest of our group had their own ride a few minutes ahead of us. This is only important in that Edward would start to be the voice of reason from this point on because more than a few of us had had enough to drink to need one. I’d like to say at this point that while “drunk” I was in total control of what was going on with myself. However I did not plan to take care of anyone else that night—I was in it to win in it—that could be Edward’s job.

Eventually the three of us made our way to the strip club and half charmed our way into the place. I say half because I am pretty sure I still owe someone cash for the entry fee but whatever…I’m in the door. Most everyone there is in a good mood between the ladies dancing, the enforced 2 drink minimum and the post party high. Some people got hustled by the ladies, some people got motor-boated and some people knew when to say when it came to the ladies. Yet even strippers have to put on PJs and go to bed at some point and once again we closed another venue in Vegas

But some of us were not ready to stop the party—particularly Edie—so people tried to piece together another game plan. We ruled out nightclubs (they were closed), food (we all looked skinny that night), another strip club (it just gets skanky the further you go) but someone s mentioned the idea of getting married--as in “let’s find an all night chapel and get some of us hitched!!!”

That is how I ended up engaged—to Edie!!!

Yep. It was decided that it was time for me to give up the single life and for Miss Edie to finally “nail me down”. I was ready to go—she is one of my many Sistah Wives—plus I thought it would be a great story if not a great set of pictures to look back on. We both began the process of trying to research the details while the others mostly looked on in amusement. I checked in with Johnno to see what he thought and he was pretty game for the adventure—his only request was that we’d get the Palmdale house in the divorce. I did point out this would not be a consummated marriage but Edie still agreed to the terms of engagement.

This is where Edward saves the day.

Edward pretty much pointed out to me how bad of an idea this marriage probably was. Not only is Edie in a long term “thing” with her boyfriend/lover/fiancée Braden but Braden is a big towering giant of a man. A man who played Jason Voorhees in one of the “Friday the 13th” films. A man who makes crazy stunts for a living and does things like set people on fire. I saw Edward’s point and realized this was not the wisest decision so I did my best to break the engagement with a little bit of class and logic.

Edie wasn’t having it.

At this point everyone else was pretty much ready for bed—if not to sleep then to keep any other bad ideas at bay. (And some people like Valeska had a flight to catch in a hour.). So Edward finally threw his sister kicking and screaming into a cab and Isabella gleefully jumped in behind him—they were off to one part of the Strip with a smile, a wave and a middle finger. (You can guess who gave which one) The others piled into another cab heading towards our hotel but there wasn’t enough room for me and Johnno. We stayed behind to grab our own cab.

However the next cab claimed to not take credit cards and somehow we had both ran out of cash—funny how that happens after a strip club. So after some debate, some bathroom breaks, and water we decided that we would walk back to the Stratosphere. From Freemont Street. All because the cab driver who refused to take credits cards even though his door said he did—we were not going to an ATM for him!

We’re stubborn like that.

Of course Johnno and I forgot two key things; one being that buildings in Vegas are REALLY tall so using them to judge distance is a bad idea and the other being that Vegas is sketchy as HELL in certain areas. But now we wanted the walk on principal and feeling rather butch post strip club—off we went through the scary dirty streets regardless of place or time.

During our walk we rehashed the night’s events; I admitted to Johnno that I was surprised that he would have willingly allowed me to marry Edie that night. It’s not that he had to give permission—he probably would have given me away—but I would have thought there would be at least had a moment’s hesitation. His response to that train of thought was simple—he already knew he had me and I had him so… In response I joked that my ring finger was bare and in response Johnno did the same gesture back to me. He then took my ring hand and squeezed my finger three times as he repeated that he had me.

That was the moment.

I already knew that I loved Johnno. I had had several conversations with people about my plans to try and propose to him in the future. I had a long check list of things to do, people for him to meet, circumstances to be in order before the “big” moment could happen. If I am good at anything it is over planning, over thinking—so much navel gazing that I could give those strippers a run for their money when it comes to contortions—to the point that I lock myself in neutral.

I always wait for the perfect time.

But in that moment—walking down the dirty streets of Vegas, slightly punch drunk from a long night with my friends, only moments after an aborted engagement—I knew what I wanted. The question has never been if I loved Johnno enough to marry him but whether I trusted enough in his love for me. I have always found loving someone to be the easiest thing in the world—it’s letting someone love me that has always been the hard part. Allowing myself to believe that someone could see all the sides of me—the good, the bad and the ugly—and want to put up with me has always been a tricky thing for me to grasp.

And yet…

I realized at that moment how much Johnno did get me. He gets that sometimes I will get drunk and meander my way across town, that I can be stubborn and choose to walk when we could ride, that I love my friends so much that I will force myself to watch naked ladies, that I am crazy enough to get married on a whim just because it’s there… He sees and loves all those parts of me—that’s a huge part of why he does love me at all.

It’s amazing.

So I dropped to one knee in the middle of a dirty Vegas sidewalk, next to an abandoned building, across the way from a vacant lot. I took his hand. I asked the world’s simplest, frightening, meaningful question and he said yes. Just like that—no thought or hesitation.

Yes.

Everything after that is blur of phone calls and texts and kissing and tears and a million other things rolled into one big jumble in my head. The only thing that sticks out is that I am now engaged to Johnno Houston Jones. Like engaged to be married—to spending the rest of my life with him--forever even.

Whoa

And for that I blame two Jens, a handful of strippers, a little bit of champagne and myself.

Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) by Katy Perry

This is kind of how it all feels

http://www.vevo.com/watch/katy-perry/last-friday-night-tgif/USCA31100045

Sick

There is a LOT to write about and I plan to hit the ground running. Big surprise but the events of the last few days have left me feeling run down so I am waiting to tell the whole story soon...

I promise

Being Heather Locklear and Other Unexpected Choices

I'm not sure how this happened.

See, back in the 90s there was a little show called "Melrose Place"--about an apartment complex and the people who lived and worked there. Eventually the show expanded to include their careers--particularly Allison's--and that led to the introduction of her boss.

Amanda Woodward.

Heather Locklear broke on to the scene and made a scene as she competed with Allison during their time working at the same ad agency. There were short skirts and thinly veiled barbs, moments of backstabbing and teamwork. At the end of the day only one could be left standing and it would be the older and more worldly Miss Woodward.

I have become the Heather Locklear at my job.

As i have been preparing to wrap up my current show my only thought has been about long summer days of writing and tanning and working out and hanging out. I was and still am excited about a summer I can be a part of more now that BB is out of the picture.

Until the other day.

Walking through the office I ran into a old co-worker from a past show and he asked me for helping finding some people to fill a position. After a long conversation with Nolan about who he might know and possible positions--he asked why I wasn't being considered. It was a fair question and one I didn't know how to answer. Instead I pulled together my resume, sent an email to the old co-worker which lead to a phone call and a quick meeting with his boss. They seemed to like my resume but there was one or two skills I don't have--but it could still happen.

And then it came time to dance around the issue of end dates and commitments. Part of what has been going on at the current show is the slow winding down of work. i still have plenty to do but not so much that if I landed the new job i would be leaving them high and dry. It's something I always try not to do--for various reasons.

When I couldn't get a start date for the new job--if I landed it--I hedged on talking to my current boss about end dates and changing those because I knew I could mess up. The truth is I could tell him that there is little work for me to finish and that they could finish up without me--besides that i would still be at the same company and able to help out if needed. But since the new job had not given me an offer, I didn't want to talk my current job out of keeping me through to the end.

I want my money and be able to spend it too.

So once I knew a waiting game was under way I was okay. But it didn't hit me until then that I was bothered by the fact that I was leaving with no real certainty that I would be asked back to the production company any time soon. And the other guy who does my job is staying being because he is working on the newest season while I wrap up the last two.

Now here's the thing--I like this other guy Ricky. He's nice and eager and he means well--he's also young, not that detail orientated, and can be a bit much. I have no interest in fighting a 24 year old for his job--even if it is acknowledged that I do the job better in every way. I understood that he had been at the show longer and it made since they would try and keep him.

But in the aftermath of the possible new job--I suddenly felt myself annoyed that I was having to wait on things. I want to make plans and move forward one way or another. And the something else happened to push my buttons a bit more.

Ricky took vacation.

Now in freelance vacation never really happens. You usually at your show for such small windows that it is not possible to take time off--much less a week. Ricky had done this before--taking a week off--and while he was gone I was given all of his work and my work and it made me really resentful because I knew he was being kept while I was wrapping up my job. I didn't sign up for two jobs which already were taking 9 plus hours a day and it just smacked of unprofessional-ism.

And then he took a 2nd vacation.

As I said I was already on pins and needles about the entire new job/old job debate and when it was suddenly decided that I would finish up a sizable project of his that had to be done by a certain date--a date he would not be here for--I almost lost my mind and quit. I realized I was trying to fight a lazy 24 year old for a job I was better at and somehow this was supposed to be okay. It just literally broke my spirit for the better part of the day because while I love my job, my co-workers, my boss--the fact that this was happening AGAIN just really sucked.

I don't want to feel like I am better than a 24 year old at my job. I don't want to compete with him but yet I don't understand why i should have to pick up his slack. It's not like he is sick, or taking a day off, or some other major crisis. He just wants to take a long vacation in the middle of a busy production schedule and i am being left holding the bag.

And I am trying not to be bitter or mean but i just feel disrespected by this turn of events. I never understood the character motivation of Amanda on "Melrose" but for the first time I do. I want to speak up and complain about the situation--I want to point out my commitment and the lack of Ricky's but then it all boils down to me versus a 24 year old.

Not something to be proud of.

Summer Theme

I owe more than this---but

This Is Why I watched.

Just a fan video of General Hospital.



So much of it makes me cry. But not sad enough to watch the current hot mess airing.

I miss it.

Random Body Issues

I feel like I am finally back on track. After having some issues with my back for the past week--I am now able to workout for days back to back and not wake up in extreme pain. If you have never had back issues then consider yourself lucky--I have had to many days for my age where I have had to hobble myself throughout the town and back just to get things done.

Johnno of course worries that I should do more. See a doctor or get pain meds or even a chiropractor for help. But I can never seem to get myself to a place to do that. I always thought I had no real phobias--besides needles and crowds--but I have come to see that maybe I do. I worry that seeing a doctor about my back will lead to a series of expensive tests with no real solutions.

I have no proof of this.

I was trying to figure out why I felt this way. Part of me knew that it had to do with my friend Ty--Kelly's ex boyfriend--who struggled with his own his back. He had multiple surgeries on his back but was still having problems--my worse case scenario. But it wasn't until the other night that I suddenly clued into what might be the base of my issue.

My father.

When I was about 9 or 10 he was in a car accident where he broke his back. He spent months in pain and in bed--unable to do anything at all. It was scary for me and something that obviously stuck with me more than I thought. And while he healed and has been fine for the most part--it still made me worry for myself.

And the worst part is when I have my back issues--I must be flashing on the moment on some level--but the other side of the coin is my body issues. Being unable to work out, to try and lose weight and build a better body makes me upset. And when I get too upset I spiral into bad food and bad drink choices. Next thing you know I am eating a bag of fancy crackers without thought and suddenly everything fits funky.

It makes me sad.

And then it just ties into all my other self esteem issues. Whether or not I am attractive, whether or not guys would like me if available, and how it all pays to my sense of being. It opens up doors that should be nail shut. So then whenever my back is even sore I freak out.

I need to find solution--or coping mechanism.

Not Such A Gleeful Sound

It's hard to write a novel.

Scratch that.

It's hard to write in general.

Obvious and yet...

It doesn't help that when you stumble across a top ten TV show, randomly late one night, not one that you watch but you know is very popular and you see your plot happening on the screen. Not kind of your plot but thisclose to being your plot--from the gay kid, to the prom queen as cruel joke, to the emotional retaking of one's personal power. if that is not enough to stop your typing dead in it's tracks then what is? It doesn't help matters any more when you HATE the TV show that the storyline was stolen to....

Yeah--I hate Glee.

So now of course I am left in a "what to do?" situation. Both Samuel and Johnno think that the plot can be saved and turned around. There are some noticeable differences in the two stories between the characters, the timetable and how it falls out which means it could feel different. And it is focusing me on different aspects of my characters and how to make my version of prom and the prom fallout work. But still

It's hard to feel original when your plot is suddenly and hugely in front of you on a "watercooler" show.

I guess I should feel special?

Bored--Not Brokenhearted

I need to do something new with my hair. This means I have to go beyond my usual Supercuts experience and deal with hipsters. But that might be for the best

Either something like this



Or more like this



They might not seem that different but there is a world of styling and maintenance between them. I don't know but i have to have something more than the current!

.....

I almost had a moment in Starbucks. I made the decision--over the course of the weekend--that I would not be returning to BB unless I was at least offered a serious chance at a promotion. I held out hope that I would get an interviewing or a meeting but instead they turned around and offered the same position as last season.

It was not enough.

I came to realization that what I have been doing wrong was thinking that BB had anything to do with my career. The truth is it has always been a job where they pay well but with nowhere to grow and no upward movement at all. Even my promotion last year and less to do with me than with they fired somebody and I was foolish enough to be the one who said yes. I just thought that after how hard I worked last year, how much blood sweat and tears I put into the process--I would get more back.

Instead I got nothing at all for the effort. Barely even a thank you. BB is not good for my career and that is what I should be working on building--BB has no interest in that either way. I gave them plenty of times to prove otherwise--yet here we are.

And yet it sucks. It is very good money, I have made some amazing friends while there and it is a HUGE part of my LA life... I'm going to miss cigarettes with Walker and Stangle, gossiping with Renita, Scofield, Bennet, the faux flirting with Little, Tommy and Bumble Bee, cracking jokes with TK and Roden, seeing my girls like the Double Ks, Mr. Eugene, Miss Emps and just the big hugs you get that first day back from the most unlikely people.

Oh--the sound of Don booming "Rory George Lapointe" across the compound.

I'm really sad about the decision and a little mopey even if I know it will be the right thing in the long run. I just have to try and remember that for the next few days.

Jem/Jerrica

I have had a weird past few days. Nothing particular set them off, no drama, no crisis, nothing at all. I just--once again--realized that maybe I am my own biggest flaw or enemy or something...

I'm trying not to be negative.

Johnno had an old co-worker of his from the bookstore over to watch the royal wedding at the Dollhouse. I had come home from work and had plans to nap before meeting up with Joy to go over plans for her party. I figured I would meet the friend, be social and have a drink and then head out the door and on the streets. It seemed simple and it would be nice to meet someone that Johnno knew in LA from outside my social group because there is not a lot of those people.

But for some reason I was incredibly nervous when I woke up and came out into the living room. There was no reason to be--the guy friend hadn't really done anything to set me ill at ease--but I could not get comfortable. Instead I kind of slinked around the house, killing time before I managed to leave for my plans. I did talk and introduce myself but I just couldn't get comfortable.

I'm sure I came off as an asshole.

And as I made my way to Joy's I couldn't help but beat myself up. There is the part of me that knows I can be shy and aloof at points but there is the other me that likes clothes and dancing and being social--somehow I think this is the "Jerrica " side to me (AKA the real persona like in the show Jem!). That the shy and aloof side is the "Jem" personality that only comes out at random times. But nothing could be further than the truth and I don't know why my first reaction is that way.

I talked about this later with Kirby and she said that it is obvious when I am uncomfortable and I am always uncomfortable meeting new people. She pointed out that it is a very obvious facial thing I do and have always done--it doesn't make me friendly. I explained that i usually wait to see if the other person has any interest before engaging people and she said that maybe that was the problem.

I think she might be right.

But i don't know how to put away that self defense tool. It is something i have had for a long time and served me years of good. Unlike the Kirby's, Johnno's, and Edie's of the world I have no idea how to "fake it". Not in a negative sense but in the sense of just being so confident about their own personalities. Maybe that is the problem--I have confused my confidence in my own accomplishments, my own skill set that i never learned to be confident in my own personality. and I don't really know if there is a way to do that.

I would like to be more of a Jem than Jerrica. The irony is that Jem is totally fake. Maybe that is the core problem--i never learned that skill. Not that I'm saying people in my life are fake--they are not--but they always manage some type of interest or energy I can't mustard up until I am invested.

My bad.

In Case You Wanted to See

Prince



So close to the stage and yet transfixed by the monitor.



This picture makes us look further away than we were. But still--you can see the stage!!!!



I suspect he can hear me screaming his name.

Le sigh

A Thought On Today


Osama bin Laden is dead. One Buddhist’s response.

by Susan Piver



“In the Shambhala warrior tradition, we say you should only have to kill an enemy once every thousand years.” –Chogyam Trungpa

So, Osama bin Laden is dead. We killed him. There really was no choice. We were clearly in an “us or them” situation and if we didn’t kill him, he was going to continue to do everything in his power to kill us.

As Buddhists, we are supposed to abhor all killing, but what do you do when someone is trying to kill you? Obviously great theologians have pondered this question for millennia and I’m not going to try to pile on with my point of view, which would be totally useless.

Instead, I’ll pose this question: How do you kill your enemy in a way that puts a stop to violence rather than escalates it?

Strangely, I keep coming back to the same rather ordinary conclusion: the answer is in our ability to face our emotions. When we know how to relate to our anger, hatred, despair, and frustration fully and properly, they self-liberate. When we don’t, when we can’t tolerate them and therefore act them out, we create enormous sorrow and confusion.

Look at your own reaction this morning.

Was there even a hint of vengefulness or gladness at Osama bin Laden’s death? If so, that is a real problem. Whatever suffering he may have experienced cannot reverse even one moment of the suffering he caused. If you believe his death is a form of compensation, you are deluded.

There has been an outpouring of misdirected jubilation, as if a contest had been won. Nothing has been won. Unlike winning a sporting event, this doesn’t mean that our team has triumphed. Far from it. There is only one team and it is us.

One of us is gone, one horrific, terrible, vicious one of us…is gone. I don’t feel regret for him or about this. I’m regretful for the rest of us who are now left thinking that this is a cause for celebration. It is not. It is a cause for sorrow at our continued inability to realize that there is no such thing as us and them; that whatever we do to cause harm to one will harm us all.

When we hate, we cause hate. When we think we have won by vanquishing our enemy, we have lost. In killing Osama bin Laden, “they” lose because one of their leaders is gone. But we lose too, because we have deepened the causes and conditions that lead to more hatred and its consequences. This is not over.

Then, what to do? I don’t really know, but for me, rather than cheering on this day, I’m going to rededicate myself to the idea of brotherhood towards all, even those that want me dead—and not because I’m some kind of really good person. I’m not. Because I know it’s the only way to stay alive—in the only kind of world I want to inhabit.

Perhaps the way to kill your enemy as a way of putting a stop to violence rather than escalating is to shift our view of “enemy” altogether. Our enemy is not one person or country or belief system. It is our unwillingness to feel the sorrow of others—who are none other than us.

So take aim at this enemy completely and precisely. Feel your sadness for us and them so fully and completely that all boundaries are dissolved and we are left standing face to face, human to human, each feeling the other’s rage and despair as our own, one world to care for.

If you’d like to try to generate such a switch, please try loving kindness meditation. [listen] Here is audio instruction in the practice.

“…when you do not produce another force of hatred, the opposing force collapses.”– Chogyam Trungpa

Life List

So I am going to see Prince tonight. It is actually hard for me to stay grounded at work because all I can think about is how excited I am for this show. It's a very rare thing for me to get super caught up in things like this--even JT and Gaga had me less on edge--but Prince is one of those people I have spent my own life wanting to see.

He's on the list.

I don't mean the list of performers I want to see--though there is one--but on my life list of things I would like to do. He is somewhere between having cocktails with Amstead Maupin, visiting the Great Pyramids of Giza, publishing my first book and buying my first piece of real art. I guess it would be the bucket list but I have had this in my mind since 15 which is so before that phrase took trend.

So when my friend Charity told me all about her trip to Egypt this past summer and how much fun she had exploring all the old places in Cairo--I was extremely jealous. Like to the point that I didn't want to hear about it at all. She laughed at me when I said that and stated the following--

"You know you can do that, right?"

And it is true. So many things on my list seem like they are difficult if not impossible but the truth is I can do them. If I choose to focus on them. it's not that hard to save up money for a trip, or find a reading where Maupin might be or scan through Esty to find the exact piece of work that speaks to me. I could self publish my own book, I could try and see every one of my band, I could do all of this myself

It is just a matter of focus and effort and time. Instead of getting so caught up in the details of the everyday--I need to plan my attack for what I want.I can do that.

But first I have to see Prince. Priorities people!

Swing For The Fences

I have bee trying to get back into the swing of things. Between working on the entire "quitting that bad habit i have had for half my life", figuring out the best way to work out with my back acting up and just the general art of balancing naps, work, dating and life together--I haven't gotten much done.

well--I have read a lot of books.

But for the first time in a while I kind of feel at balance with everything. I'm not getting crazy moody about the smoking, not cheating on the no cheese aspect of the diet, managed to work out without throwing out my back and am still trying to work out the writing here and there thing. It is a bit hard.

all that said--I finally feel a bit back in the game and like I am getting stuff accomplished. It's time to make my list a bit bigger--get back in the social whirl, get my words flowing and even spend a little more time being awesome boyfriend. I figure I can handle all of that.

Yay.

Ain't That A Drag

Okay. I always say I don't watch reality TV but I am totally into "RuPaul's Drag Race". There is something I really enjoy about RuPaul in general and the show is a fun mix of badly behaving queens, trainwreck fashion and more random gay one liners than you can shake a stick at.

But I always hate the winner.

When it comes to the idea of a superstar--I just expect something more. More than looks or high fashion but a certain spark or magic in their performance. And it didn't happen with last season's winner and once again the mark fell short.

I just wish Raja had some kind of chemistry... She always seemed so lost and awkward during any kind of performance outside of a runway walk... Just uncomfortable, unable to portray serious emotions or even do sight lines in any of the video projects. I mean--her style is amazing at points and she could definitely pass for a glamorzon but--

It's kind of like the idea of hanging out with Cindy Crawford and Julia Roberts back in the day... I would imagine Miss Crawford to be a stunner but you would probably have your eyes drawn to the natural warmth and energy of Miss Roberts. I just never felt Miss Raja warm up and she was so obviously favored by the judges that she didn't have to.

And can Miss Michelle be gone next season? I just disliked everything about her--from her loud laughing cheer when Mimi was eliminated to her snide comments about almost all contestants such as "at least she can talk" referring to the difference between Alexis and Manila... Plus she brought back Carmen "I have nothing in my brain so I can't ever be interesting" Carrerra....

SIGH

I think after this I will just be turning in for Drag U from now on... All the funny queens with personality show up there like Pandora, Juju, Raven and such... That's why I watch--to be entertained.

Love What You Love

For some reason this video has changed my opinion on a few things; mostly Kei$ha, James Van Der Beek, unicorns, guns, rainbows and the costume choices of her label. Please enjoy the following video as proof.



Please people--it can't be all strum and drag on this blog. Happy day!

Sarah Jane Sadness

Growing up I was a huge Doctor Who fan. I spent many a Saturday afternoon caught up in the various worlds, companions, time lines and Doctors of the BBC. But there was no companion I loved more than Miss Sarah Jane Smith.

Spunky, sweet, brave, ballsy--Sarah Jane was the atypical 70s heroine in that she took care of herself and managed to get things done. She wasn't always practical or the smartest person in the room but she always tried her best and brought out the best in other around her.

Exactly the type of person I would want to be if a space traveler.

And now the actress who played her has passed on. Elisabeth Sladen died at the young age of 63 and in the second coming of her career as the star of her own Dr Who spin off--the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith. While the fate of that show rests in limbo for the moment--I just wanted to send off the character in the right way.

The Empty Bed Itch

Finally the entire Dollhouse is on a day schedule--Johnno is working in an office, Lola is on a day shift with her job and I continue with my 9-5 (ish) madness. We're all still working out the morning routine, how to stay out of each others' way, how much pajamas to wear and the fastest way to get everyone up and going.

So far--so good.

But there is a brief moment every morning where Johnno is out of bed and I am alone with the entire mess for about 5 minutes. And I stretch out over the entire bed--arms, legs, fingers, toes all across the entire setup.

I never used to do this.

I'm not sure what it is about---it is slightly relaxing and may be good for my back. Someone suggested that it was because the bed was too cramped but I have had a lot of men in that bed (that size of bed--not the actual bed--I do change the mattress every couple of guys). This led to a conversation about the difference between sharing a bed when you know the other person has a home and making the bed home for two people. Another one of those "once you live together everything changes".

Does it?

I have actually thought a lot about this recently; between reading about Lucy's plans to move in with her doctor, Lola's ongoing long distance relationship and even just general rumblings from all the couples I know. I guess it is supposed to be a huge game changer and make things more difficult or stressful or complicated. But it doesn't really feel that way--sometimes I wonder if I am doing everything wrong since it has been so simple and quiet and understated.

With the exception of closet space. Seriously.

So in the interest of not creating undue drama I have decided to look at my morning bed acquisition as something positive. That me reclaiming the bed has less to do with "taking back personal space" and more to do with me having it all and wanting to "roll around" in it. And when it comes to explaining how that feels--the living together, not the rolling around in the bed--I am going to explain how it shouldn't feel different when you make that choice. About how the relationship should stay the same with the extra benefit of knowing where someone is at the end of the night.

Now that I think about it--the stretching into his personal space could be about how much I miss Johnno that early in the morning. But that would mean I have changed and am possibly codependent which is not the case and not something I would encourage.

Especially since I would still like to reclaim my closet.

Beginnings and Endings

This past week was an emotional one for me--unexpectedly so--but that has actually turned into a reason to try and push myself forward and onward. I have been struggling with a weird feeling of restlessness and ennui but I also know that this is also of my own making at the end of the day. it is up to me to change things.

I don't know if I have been so raw because I have cut back on my bad habits, if I am finally trying to get my sleep and workouts on track or if it just because I have been spending more time alone than normal. One of the downsides of Johnno working at the bookstore is there was a lot of "us" time suddenly open and I didn't really know what to do with it. Which makes me one of those daters I despise.

Or maybe it has just been the current trend of past favorites either being repackaged or ended or revamped in some way. Reading the new Sweet Valley novel reopened a place in my head from when I read the originals, how much fun things seemed and how much to look forward too. How I used to imagine myself running off to live in California--the perfect combination of Elizabeth and Jessica--personality wise. Smart but crafty, meek but bold when needed to be. I had this image of sunsets and surfers and Fiats up and down the coast... Not exactly what happened.

Maybe it was the cancellation of "All My Children" and "One Life To Live". Growing up I always imagined I would somehow end up in the highly glamorous job of writing for daytime dramas. Not only did I watch a little bit of each of the major shows--though Santa Barbara and General Hospital rules the roost--but I could tell you what was right and wrong with each show, who the headwriter's were, and the history of at least the core families. My goal was to someday surpass the William Bells, Agnes Nixons and Douglas Marlands of the genre and make it my own. Instead i have been slowly watching the death of the genre and people picking fun at the bones. It makes me beyond sad--I only wish that ABC could have at least waited until Agnes Nixon died before canceling every show she every created.

Perhaps it was the reboot of Scream 4. One of my favorite films, one of my favorite genres and one of the riskier ideas that could happen. I remember saying to Dominic that I didn't know--after the week I had with the shows being canceled and reading the SV novel--if I could handle a truly bad film. I went into the theatre dreading everything but came out pleasantly surprised. It was a fun ride, well cast with some great characters and a handful of good twists and creepy murders. That at least restored my faith in things.

Which oddly enough gave me hope.

I know that I am the only one responsible for how things turn out. I need to sit down and think about what I want--really want--and how far I am willing to go to make those things happen. Whether it is working on my body, my head, my relationships and my friendships--it is really just a matter of putting the pieces together, making a plan and moving forward. It is just that simple

As part of that i plan to make better use of the blog. What that means is spending my mornings putting down my words and thoughts more than pictures and music reviews. I have the time at my job to do this for now and it is a good practice to clear out my head and make room for better things. Doesn't mean it will be negative but instead it will be more like a mystery with the various pieces coming into place.

I Want



I want the artist did this masterful oil on canvas of Lil Wayne be committed to do one of me post haste. Who would have guessed this would be the painting that would make me reconsider buying art? I sense a birthday gift or some type of chairty event to make this happen