Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Life You Save May Be Your Own

I went away this weekend. Not the most earth shattering experience for most people but this is not something I usually do. I don't normal take vacations but without Bb to eat up my summer I was able to finally take some time for myself.

Edie and her brother have a party every summer in their family cabin in one of those "fly over" states. It's been going on for almost ten years and while I have had an invite I have never gone. Johnno decided for my birthday to give me free plane tickets he had earned and I managed to make them work out so i could head out to the party this summer along with a handful of other LA virgins.

It was the right call to make.

Now while I cannot talk about what went down--one of the rules of the party--I was able to actually try and relax. there was boathouse dancing, shots out of skis, meeting infamous friends and some light nudity. It was odd to be out in the middle of nowhere on a river with nothing to do but wear a bathing suit, drink up and hangout.

I'm glad i did it.

And while I wasn't able to fully shake my social issues--I spent time kind of being aloof which is par for the course--I was able to actual relax. i didn't realize how much so until I was flying back to LA. There was this moment waiting for my flight when I suddenly realized exactly how LA people are--and how I have become so immune to it.

I usually don't ever feel the LA shame--that realization of how shallow and demanding LA people usually are. It is always so "do you know who I am? I'm important and matter" that is so unappealing and badly mannered. But I saw it and it effected me in ways I have never seen.

As I stared out the window of the plane, I suddenly felt how much stress I really care. I have become so much about my career, my appearance, the go-go-go of life that I forget to relax. I mused about what this means and how I can try and take what I learned and turn it into something more positive. It became about focusing on my friends more than the gossip, about working on things that matter more than working on the career, on focus on what can take the stress away and what really has meaning to me.

It was eye opening.

And I am still processing this. If you had told me how much this weekend would change my internal settings I would have laughed at you. But for the first time in a long time I became focused on Rory--not the "Rory". It has to mean something when I had a practical panic attack on the plane ride home--it was a sign of something to be done.

And this doesn't mean I hate LA or regret the choices I have made. Being so on the move has given me things I love; a career i am proud of, great friends with an amazing social life, goals when it comes to my body and the life style I want to lead. But now I know it needs balance.

Who would have thought that a few days in just a bathing suit and bad hair would cause such a thought provoking change of heart? Not me.

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