Friday, May 06, 2011


I have had a weird past few days. Nothing particular set them off, no drama, no crisis, nothing at all. I just--once again--realized that maybe I am my own biggest flaw or enemy or something...

I'm trying not to be negative.

Johnno had an old co-worker of his from the bookstore over to watch the royal wedding at the Dollhouse. I had come home from work and had plans to nap before meeting up with Joy to go over plans for her party. I figured I would meet the friend, be social and have a drink and then head out the door and on the streets. It seemed simple and it would be nice to meet someone that Johnno knew in LA from outside my social group because there is not a lot of those people.

But for some reason I was incredibly nervous when I woke up and came out into the living room. There was no reason to be--the guy friend hadn't really done anything to set me ill at ease--but I could not get comfortable. Instead I kind of slinked around the house, killing time before I managed to leave for my plans. I did talk and introduce myself but I just couldn't get comfortable.

I'm sure I came off as an asshole.

And as I made my way to Joy's I couldn't help but beat myself up. There is the part of me that knows I can be shy and aloof at points but there is the other me that likes clothes and dancing and being social--somehow I think this is the "Jerrica " side to me (AKA the real persona like in the show Jem!). That the shy and aloof side is the "Jem" personality that only comes out at random times. But nothing could be further than the truth and I don't know why my first reaction is that way.

I talked about this later with Kirby and she said that it is obvious when I am uncomfortable and I am always uncomfortable meeting new people. She pointed out that it is a very obvious facial thing I do and have always done--it doesn't make me friendly. I explained that i usually wait to see if the other person has any interest before engaging people and she said that maybe that was the problem.

I think she might be right.

But i don't know how to put away that self defense tool. It is something i have had for a long time and served me years of good. Unlike the Kirby's, Johnno's, and Edie's of the world I have no idea how to "fake it". Not in a negative sense but in the sense of just being so confident about their own personalities. Maybe that is the problem--I have confused my confidence in my own accomplishments, my own skill set that i never learned to be confident in my own personality. and I don't really know if there is a way to do that.

I would like to be more of a Jem than Jerrica. The irony is that Jem is totally fake. Maybe that is the core problem--i never learned that skill. Not that I'm saying people in my life are fake--they are not--but they always manage some type of interest or energy I can't mustard up until I am invested.

My bad.


Michael Mammano said...

I believe the word you were looking for was "muster." Thus spake English Bitch.

Rory said...

This is what happens when I write hungry... I knew the right word