Monday, April 18, 2011

Beginnings and Endings

This past week was an emotional one for me--unexpectedly so--but that has actually turned into a reason to try and push myself forward and onward. I have been struggling with a weird feeling of restlessness and ennui but I also know that this is also of my own making at the end of the day. it is up to me to change things.

I don't know if I have been so raw because I have cut back on my bad habits, if I am finally trying to get my sleep and workouts on track or if it just because I have been spending more time alone than normal. One of the downsides of Johnno working at the bookstore is there was a lot of "us" time suddenly open and I didn't really know what to do with it. Which makes me one of those daters I despise.

Or maybe it has just been the current trend of past favorites either being repackaged or ended or revamped in some way. Reading the new Sweet Valley novel reopened a place in my head from when I read the originals, how much fun things seemed and how much to look forward too. How I used to imagine myself running off to live in California--the perfect combination of Elizabeth and Jessica--personality wise. Smart but crafty, meek but bold when needed to be. I had this image of sunsets and surfers and Fiats up and down the coast... Not exactly what happened.

Maybe it was the cancellation of "All My Children" and "One Life To Live". Growing up I always imagined I would somehow end up in the highly glamorous job of writing for daytime dramas. Not only did I watch a little bit of each of the major shows--though Santa Barbara and General Hospital rules the roost--but I could tell you what was right and wrong with each show, who the headwriter's were, and the history of at least the core families. My goal was to someday surpass the William Bells, Agnes Nixons and Douglas Marlands of the genre and make it my own. Instead i have been slowly watching the death of the genre and people picking fun at the bones. It makes me beyond sad--I only wish that ABC could have at least waited until Agnes Nixon died before canceling every show she every created.

Perhaps it was the reboot of Scream 4. One of my favorite films, one of my favorite genres and one of the riskier ideas that could happen. I remember saying to Dominic that I didn't know--after the week I had with the shows being canceled and reading the SV novel--if I could handle a truly bad film. I went into the theatre dreading everything but came out pleasantly surprised. It was a fun ride, well cast with some great characters and a handful of good twists and creepy murders. That at least restored my faith in things.

Which oddly enough gave me hope.

I know that I am the only one responsible for how things turn out. I need to sit down and think about what I want--really want--and how far I am willing to go to make those things happen. Whether it is working on my body, my head, my relationships and my friendships--it is really just a matter of putting the pieces together, making a plan and moving forward. It is just that simple

As part of that i plan to make better use of the blog. What that means is spending my mornings putting down my words and thoughts more than pictures and music reviews. I have the time at my job to do this for now and it is a good practice to clear out my head and make room for better things. Doesn't mean it will be negative but instead it will be more like a mystery with the various pieces coming into place.

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