Whatever Is Easier

Whatever Is Easier

My grandfather died right before Christmas. He wasnt my real grandfather--he was my step grandfather--my sister's grandfather. I wasnt related by blood or adoption, he came into my life when I was just about a teenager, but when it comes to that figure in my life--he was the closest one I had. Mr B.--Bobby--wasnt the easiest man to get along with; he was simple and obsessive about the things he loved. Photography, van tours of Nantucket, his million of machines in his basement, his ham radio. He often tried to me and my brother into these things but he was also much older than even my real grandparents and it was often hard to connect to him.

He never understood my passion for teen books, or what it meant when I was wearing my walkman--I couldnt hear him--he didnt care for clothes or games of scrabble. We didnt meet on much common ground and I still to this day wince when I think of the number of times I rolled my eyes at his routine, his insistance that would I would want to know how to use a jigsaw or talk to trucker on CB radio. I wasnt always the nicest kid but he always reached out in his way.

I was--and wasnt--surprised when he passed. But what surprised me was how shook up I was--how I was going to miss his flashlights in restaraunts when he could read the menu, his stories about the great Noreasters on the island or the simple pleasure he took from his growing flowers or his solar pannels he installed by hand himself--well before most people did. He loved science and working with his hands, he tried to capture everything on film and loved to hear stories from people. He was honest and worked hard, proud of what he built and always the first to reach out hand in his own way.

And when he passed I tried to figure out how to get home for the funeral. There were things that they had to do due to the way he passed--he had been in the hospital and treated for a mild issue, released and passed away days later. No one--not even he--knew how sick he was and on his first day out of the hospital he went to the store, did his exercises, ate his daily oatmeal. Routine to then the end. And they werent sure what had happened and they had to do an autopsy to make sure--which made picking a date for the funeral hard to guess.

So my mother said what she always says--you dont have to come home, whatever is easier.

She has said this to me many times; when she had surgey on her knee, for the first Christmas that my sister would remember, when she was dealing with my brother and rehab, when it came to other deaths in the family. And the conversation would always turn to the longistics of me coming home--the cost of a flight, how they would have to come out to the city to get me, what they would do with the dog, the house, the baby if they had to get me. It was always made to feel so complicated for them.

So I never went home.

But this latest time, this passing of Mr B, the mess of feelings and desire to support at least my sister, ran over me like a mack truck. I knew the only cheap flights were Christmas Day, that the weather out there was to be dreadful the whole trip back, I could get stuck somewhere, I would be leaving Johnno alone on the holiday. I called my mother and once again she explains how hard the trip would be, how they didnt know how long I would stay, to do whatever was easier.

So I stopped looking into going home.

I felt awful about the decision but also felt from all my conversations with my mother that this would be inconvient for them, another person in the way around the house, another risky car ride... I was eating myself up--it didnt help that Johnno was talking with his family, having the type of relationship that I was in awe of, and I was becoming more snappish and edgy. And Johnno finally forced me to do the one thing I have never done.

I called my mother out on "whatever is easier"

He made me realize that the phrase obviously had an effect on me, obviously was doing something to me--if not in so many words. It forced me to call my mother and explain to her how much she hurt me when she used that phrase, that it made me feel like a bother, an inconvience when those issues came up and like I wasnt wanted there. That I felt I was being judge at the same time for not being there, that people out there thought I didnt care or couldnt be bothered. I explained that my decisions on these things were dictated by her imply how much of a burden it would be.

She was taken aback.

She finally explained that she had spent so much time saying those things because it would make things easier for me not to come. That I had spent so many years out here missing things--a process that had began simply because I couldnt afford the money or time off--which is not the case anymore. She finally heard me when I said that her dismissiveness, her instant excuses just made me feel like a burdern instead of a blessing and that i was tired of feeling that way.

It was a good talk.

By the end I think we came to a new understanding--that we saw where the other was coming from, that we would be less about protecting the other person and more about saying what we need. That maybe it was possible for both of us to drop the martyr act and say what we wanted from each other. It was a huge step forward for both of us.

And I think Mr B would have loved that--for all the quirkness and miscommunication he was all about family, spending time together, making memories and taking pictures. He would like the honesty in the communication, the directness, the focus on the words and not innuendo. Maybe that is the most fitting tribute of all?

Office decor

I told you I'd be serving Valentine's Day realness... Though the picture is a bit dark--so consider it romantic. I'm just here to make people happy

I guess....

I work out too much... I literally worked the elliptical so hard it broke the metal & fell apart.... Like split through the metal entirely... I guess 4 weeks in a row--6 days a week at least was too much

Current Obsession

I've been slowly rereading books for the wedding & have rediscovered my passion for this classic. Somehow I'd forgotten how crisp & clean this story is

Trash Collection

Trash Collection?


Am I allowed to say that I am an art collector if I allowed myself to buy this print? And does it raise the value if I have it custom framed before hanging? I just want this so badly--like dying for it. Lucy brought it to my attention and now I cannot live without. It's super cheap but fills my personal definition of priceless.

Just feast your eyes on this and tell me I'm wrong to love it....

Serving

Sometimes I am just so pleased with myself... Serving brunch realness

BOOK WHORE

BOOK WHORE

"Then Again, Maybe I Won't"
by Judy Blume (5 stars)

I know I keep gushing about Judy Blume but once again she proves to be one of the best young adult novelists ever. I loved that this story--told from the POV of the male lead Tony--is just a strong a reflection of the juinior high years as "Are There God---It's Me Margaret."

The story is a simple one--a poor Italian kid's family becomes successful and moves from Jersey City to a toney neighborhood and exactly how this changes the entire mores of the each person. It's about being the new kid in school, figuring out puberty and esuxal urges, about class struggle and even about "the whiting" one's racial background.

I really did care for Tony and understand his concerns and confusions as his family adjusted to their new wealth and surroundings in ways that seemed to go against their nature. I loved the character of his homesick grandmother--unable to cook since it would seem unseemly, the perky and annoying Corky who just wants Tony to like her, the high end Hoober family who cause all the concerns and joy in the story.

A near perfect book and one I would read again.

The Collector

The Collector

I've suddenly become into buying art.

That sounds so pretenious.

I have recently come into the idea of buying random paintings and photographs I see and eventually framing them on the wall. And Johnno has had a say thus far so it is both of us buying the pieces.

Kind of.

It's funny cause it never really occured to me to want to do that--the idea of owning works that I liked in an original form seemed so out of reach and bougie. It wasnt until I watched Edie as she began to collect her own works and Joy found her own works that came from her family which inspired me to try own my own.

Exploring places like Esty and Apartment Therapy have given me a playground to explore and discover new artists and refine my tastes... I have discovered I like colors and mixing of media, pictures and words interwined with images of nature or irony. It's been fun to add them to our registry as we work toward our wedding--its not about resale value but finding unique things that we want to carry forward. And while it has only been two pictures thus far--I cannot wait to continue to add to the collection.

Barbie Battle Realness

Bully for the Boys

I'm not saying it is high art but something fun and unique--it may not always be campy or gay friendly and develop into something more serious but I cannot wait to see where it all goes. The fun part will be adding and blending our tastes and ideas into something uniquely us.

Unsung Favorite

Unsung Favorite

So I am kind of obsessed with Solange. I know that everyone has a certain fondess for her sister Beyonce but I think that as an actual artist Solange is so much better when it comes to her songs, her sound and her willingness to explore different styles. I honestly believe that "Sol-Angle and the Haldey St. Dreams" is probably one of the best albums of the past decade and in the same league as Lauryn Hill.

But I digress.

Truth is I have been revisiting her music and have become re-obsessed with one of her songs. With all the stress currently from my job I have turned to music more and more to shake off the day and this is usually part of the same playlist as Curtis Mayfield, Robyn, Janelle Monet, Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ect... It just makes me happy



Enjoy

The Pages of My Fantasy

The Pages of My Fantasy

I live for private libraries-the texture of the written page, the colored hardbacks, the smell of ink. There is something about having so many words at one's fingertips in your space that I just cant help but love... Add to that my love of interior design and the vastness of the internet--welome to library porn

I mean these pictures are just so lush and overwhelming and the only reason I would even want a house to do my own verison of these... And a place for all my damn books

Only So Many

There are only so many times you can go to your job and feel like you are constantly failing before you have to go to the bathroom to keep from crying. I love what I do and I'd like to believe I'm good at it but when everything feels designed to fail it is so hard to stay on point. I work from home, I've stayed late, I do all I am asked and its still not enough.... I just can't win and I'm tired of feeling like I'm losing.

I hate this feeling

Stalk Me

Stalk me through social media... Besides Facebook I also have a fashion tumblr called "Fashion Makes Me A Whore" as well as an account on Pinterest for people to follow as well.

It's all so riveting!

Enjoy

Adulthood

Just when you think you're an adult you suddenly see the Man Crush collage you have on the closet door in your apartment. What makes it worse is its in the living room and still growing even though you're in your 30s.

BOOK WHORE

BOOK WHORE

"Something like Summer"
By Jay Bell (3 stars)

I really wanted to love this book but I just couldn't do it. I didnt care for either Ben or Tim after a certain point because they became such awful people to each other in ways that didnt make sense. And that was a recurring issue in the book--these characters doing things that dont add up. Ben just joyriding in Tim's car without even a thought, Tim suddenly wanting to have gay sex, just the dynamic between the two of them never made sense or was rootable.

What sad is when the flash forward happens I started to care for some of these characters and wanted to know what happened to them in this life beyond high school. Allison--the best friend--herself was one of the best new characters I've read in awhile and she does make the others sympathetic at points. But whatever movement the story gained in the middle was lost by the cop out ending that felt shonehorned in--it was obvious that the author had a mission and wasnt listening to his characters anymore. It made me sad and felt cheapened.

The book is really getting 3 stars for Allison and the middle years--that does hold up well and makes me wish for better books from this author in the future.

PS And I do know that there is a second book that is "Tim's side" but honestly the characters left such a bad taste I dont really care to know it.

Project Ror-rayyyy

So I have been trying to get more into my office life. Not because I want to work more or am worried about my career but because I have realized how much time I spend here. And I want to make it pleasent and friendlly and with people I enjoy in a comfortable setting. Which is all just a reason for me to do this:

It's pretty-brightens up the office--reminds everyone what the next big day is... and I have been trying to get more into arts and crafts type stuff recently to just be doing something different for a change.

Field of Frost

I know it is silly to bitch about the cold in LA but when the buildings feel like they are made paper mâché it's hard not to have your teeth chatter.

I've take to layering sweaters & wear suede pants to work..... Thank god I over shop.

Frost people--frost

Praise Jesbus

Thank you h&m for giving the gift of Becks... Just thank you ever so much

The Artist's Way

The Artists Way

It started with a small conversation--I had been doing some wedding planning work over the break and Johnno noticed that I had spent some time sketching out possible looks for the wedding center pieces. I had made the drawing to just try and plan out what we would need more of down the road--it was quick and sloppy but just there.

Johnno told me his wished I drew more often cause he liked what I did. It was an innocent comment but made me start thinking about how I have not been creative in a simple way like that in a long time and that maybe I needed to get back to it. When I was younger I always thought I would be an artist of some sort and would sketch away while living somewhere exotic like NYC or Paris--but I never felt I had the touch I needed to make something more of it. And then I discovered writing.

All bets were off

But nowadays I feel like the more I try and focus too much on certain things the better it would be for me to diversify my interests. It's not about being great at everything I do or making it perfection but about allowing myself to spread out and try new things to add to my own process. That and I still think I would make a great artist for the front of Vogue patterns

(THE ABOVE ARE NOT MINE BUT ARE THE TYPE OF THINGS I WOULD PROBABLY DRAW)

BOOK WHORE

BOOK WHORE

"Good In Bed"
By Jennifer Weiner (4 stars)

I was really hesitant to read this the book cause it seemed to be part of chick lit subgenre that I usually cannot abide. It was given to me by a friend as part of a recycling program and she really pushed me to give the book a shot.

I'm glad I did.

I really did come to love Cannie and her crazy, disfunctional, madcap world because she was the opposite of most "chick lit" characters between her looks, her emotions, and her wit about herself and others. And though the story did follow a lot of the same traps that chick lit faces with obvious plotting and romance storylines--I found myself falling in love with all the characters on some level.

Plus it helped that there was a couple of messed up, out of the blue, solid twists in the story that kept me reading much quicker than I would have guessed I would. I just really enjoyed this book and cannot wait to read more from Jennifer Weiner

I WILL DO THIS

This idea is totally on the short list for my next place to live--cause I would love to have this as it's own little area for me to releax and hide away.

It is the most amazing thing I have seen design-wise in months and I'm kind of obsesssed with it right now!!!!

Whatever It Takes

Whatever It Takes

This past year I decided to change tactics on quitting smoking--the patch was too easy to discard when it was convenient or overly emotional so I had to start looking at other options. I have never been the person who could easily do cold turkey--I just don’t have the will power so I had to look elsewhere.

And this is where it gets tacky--cause I went electronic.

(This is not an endorsement of the company but what I have been using)

I got the idea to go the electric cigarette route after that infamous episode of Real Housewives of OC (or which) that had the real-life Allison Dubois chain-smoking on one throughout dinner. I had come to the realization on my own that I missed the actually physical act of smoking more than anything else; it was either the deep breathing for smoking, the ability to excuse myself from situations to not be rude or just the going outdoors that usually helped calm me down. So I figured if I could find the right product to keep the oral fixation going with junk food or nail biting-I could be in business.

And they look like cigarettes. And produce real smoke. But don't taste or smell like them at all.

(see? the tips do)

But instead of buying into the claims that smokeless tobacco in these cigarettes was healthy or okay--I decided to go the nicotine free route which is basically like a flavored hookah but without smoke, ash and other gross stuff. It seems to be working as a replacement to the real thing and when paired with nicotine patches it has been a huge help.

I'm not saying I have been perfect during the process but it has made the transition much easier to weed myself off of smoking. There are been days when I barely use the thing but it is there when I truly need it which is a godsend. And now with my last smoking friend Joy committed to quitting herself--this could be the year I really beat this one!


And the best part is my smoking co-workers noticed a difference and asked all about what I had been using--it is helping to show other people they can quit too. I'm not pushing product here but it has been a huge help.

Note to Self

When you don't remember to grab a nicotine patch when leaving for work you will eat all your days calories & some by 1:30... This is not how to get wedding thin... Two hours on the elliptical it is then...

Obsession

Obsession

I have no idea why but I am currently obessesed with this song



It's Dionne Warrick, it's early 80s and I have NEVER heard it until Johnno gave me a couple of the Easy 80s from Time Life. It's freaking me out how much I am digging this--I spent ten minutes the other day humming it without a second thought.

Maybe I am just going crazy.

Favorite Thing in the World

A freshly made bed with new sheets...

Thanks Elsa the maid

Love
The dollhouse

Tick Tick Boom

So my mother trapped me last night in a phone call... We've been talking more lately due to family issues and my own resolution to make more of an effort. But even still there are times when I wish I could shake her like I do my phone...

Cause she had to ask about babies.

Now I should have expected this as a natural off shoot of any wedding conversation. It's something she's always hinted about wanting to know & for the most part I haven't had an answer because I've just been pushing it out of my head.

But with Kelly and Johnny trying for a baby and all the social shifting because of that has been a recent topic with lots of people and for some reason it became one with us.

Now the thing is I would have no problem being a parent--I adore kids, nannied them, taught them and enjoy their presence. But for me and Johnno it would be an expensive legal process which would probably make me have to give up my freelance career or have Johnno be the primary parent.

I couldn't do that to any of them.

This used to make me feel selfish--that money & my career would be a reason to forego kids... It feels like I'm making it all about me when the truth is the opposite.

I think it would be more selfish to have kids when I can't give everything they would need. This isn't even taking into account how hard it would be for us to get to have a child to raise.

Maybe it would be different if we could just get pregnant by accident but that is not going to happen. Which my mother gets but I think she was expecting some kind of baby clock to go off with me.

It won't happen without a huge income different that only the lotto could provide. And even then I'm not sure. My only worry is who would be the Dorothy to my Sophia but I suspect I will have more than enough Rose & Blanches to get through it.

So no boom goes the dynamite

Snap of the Day

I just love koi fish--they are so pretty

Want

Valeska is in vacation in Florida and simply sends me this photo cause she thought I'd like it...

I WANT EVERYTHING ON THAT TABLE

Seriously pricing it out in my head.

BOOK WHORE

BOOK WHORE

"The Hundred Secret Sense"
by Amy Tan (3 stars)

While Amy Tan again proves that she is an amzing voice in the Asian experience I really just couldn't get into this book nearly enough. I think because from the begining you know where the plot is going to go and how it will all play out and that detracts from the overall story quite a bit.

But I do really enjoy the Olivia character--her perspective on herself, her marriage and her relationship with her sister is pretty spot on from my own epxerience... I wish I understood better why she loved Simon as much as she did and that Kwan was at least allowed to be angry and call Olivia out on things instead of just taking things. But that is not how the world works in the Amy Tan experience and I think the demurness of the female characters is what gets to me.

But the prose is pretty and full and lush which I always love.

Note To Self

You obviously need to wear headbands more off cause you know how to rock them... Seriously it just looks awesome.

Golden Gay

Sometimes you feel like Sophia Petrillo....

Spoiled

Spoiled

So this was the Christmas haul this year--primarily from the boyancee... It's more than it looks like with some jewelry, some more books and a couple of missing gifts represented by pictures in the mix. It's not that I'm bragging but it made me a bit uncomfortable

And it is a little bit bragging.

This year was the first year that Johnno had a well paying job, a job he wanted and so he went overboard with the holiday. Part of it was us working on doing gift lists to make things easier, part of it was how vocal I had been about not buying myself things for the wedding but I think the biggest part was that he was finally able to spoil me for all the times he felt I spoiled him.

It made me uncomfortable to not have as much for him as he got for me.

And I know this is being petty and silly--that I should just be grateful but when a person is really good to me I don't really know how to handle it. I think I do, I think it doesn't bother me, but it does make me the center of attention and getting my needs met which I am not used to. And I have to get used to letting Johnno because that is what marriage is going to be about--not the gifts but letting him treat me well and me not getting all weird about it.

And the presents will help.

Fashion Bitch

For some reason I am dying for this shirt... It's like part of me wants to join a 70s tribute band for Liberace or something. I think this retro vintage thing I love might be going way to far

It's So Cold

Winter has finally hit Los Angeles in full force which has led to me dressing for work like Macy Gray/Grace Jones love child..... I'm one poncho away from a Stevie Nicks video

A Sexy Start

Anderson Cooper is giving me the motivation I need to lose weight for the wedding... I just want to have my own sexy shower cap moment soon. Edie is totally jealous.

To New Beginings

Here's To Getting Things Started Off Right




I figure everyone should start the New Year with a dance party!!! At least this one is pretty much a full on hits list and not something lame yanked together by Spotify or something... ENJOY!!!

You Dont Win Friends With Salad

(one of my favorite lines from the Simpons ever.)


So I have been working on being vegan... It's not about animal cruelty but more about wanting to get healthier, faster and run cleaner. It's been a challange to go from carb free to most eating fruits and veggies--I miss cheese tremendously--but it's nice to have grapes and carrots and watermelon back

yum

The hardest part has been eating right and enough. I deciced to get back on track eating wide by counting calories and trying to stick with a set diet of 2000 calories a day. It's a lot for me in general but it's important for me to make sure I feed myself properly. I didnt realize how off my numbers were until I tallied up my average lunch and found it was barely 200 calories.

This would explain my constant need for naps after work--my body was trying to shut down.

So I have started to try and rebuild how I see food. I force myself to eat a bigger lunch, pay attention to what really goes on my plate and how it makes me feel. I try not to let myself go to far with the analyzing--I am always a few steps away from reliving my eating disorder years--but trying to see what I do and why I do it. It's good to learn to better one's self.

Now if only more of the vegan resteraunts in LA delivered. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to eat like this outside of a major city.

Something Old Is Going to Be The Cheese

We are not having a vegan wedding.

I know that some people have been concerned that since i have changed my eating habits that I might inflict this onto other people via the big gay wedding. I'm not crazy enough to do this to guests unaccustomed to eating with out the animals--plus the idea of people who dont know how to eat vegan drinking from an open bar gives me flashbacks to the infamous Vomiturium party of years back.

It would not be pretty.

And if I am honest--I will not be eating vegan the day of the wedding myself. It's mostly because I want to have my wedding cake which cannot be made vegan and also because I want to enjoy myself and not constantly have to be questioning what I am eating and where it came from. I'm not planning on eating a huge steak or anything but I will have cheese with champaign if I want to.

It might be a bad idea but I have always loved my bad decisions.

It's been funny working out a new way to eat and prepare and regard food. It has made me be more creative and more aware but even with that--it's been rewarding more than annoying. But when it comes to my wedding I just picture myself relaxing and really celebrating and I have not gotten to the place where vegan dishes make me feel as good as some of my favorite comfort foods.

I just want to eat drink and be married that day--and a nice feta will help that out immensely.

My entire relationship summed up in one simple sentence

Per Johnno
"I don't think this relationship works unless one or the other of us is completely appalled at any given time... "

It's much better than indifference

Happy Birthday To Me



Why a picture of Joshua Jackson for my special day? Cause my love for him--just like myself in general--is quite timeless.

Just A Hot Child In The City
All I want is for things to cool down and for me to be cool enough to wear outfits like this...





I just want to be living out that 70's player vibe...



PS I totally bought jeans like the one's in the Joan Collins picture.... Love that skinny jeans might be done for a bit

ME IN TWO WORDS

The Power of No

I recently came to notice how much I use the word no... I was flying back from a wedding and thinking about my life and how I handle things--how negative I can be--and how I want to change that... Part of it is how quickly I negate things--no I dont eat that, no I dont want to wear that, no I dont have the time to write, no I dont want to try that...

Its a bigger list than that.

So I'm trying to find a way to turn things to the positive... Instead of I dont eat burgers--I choose to eat portbella mushrooms grilled instead--I choose to wear my hippy goofy clothes instead of hating on black pieces and boring ties--I want to work on knowing new people instead of saying no to strangers.. I'm hoping this wil push me further into trying new things, thinking new ways and find new avenues for myself.

It's time to say yes

Something Blue Shouldnt Be Sadness

So me and Johnno have been gearing up to pick a date and a loction for the wedding... It's been really hard to do... And this past week I had a bit of a heartbreak and broke down over the internet

"I just have to complain... So yesterday the wedding planner saw the space that Johnno & I had been really invested in... It's awful in person--she pretty much said it is small dark & would take more than 2 hours to make nice... It wasnt worth our time and money...

I don't even know what to do anymore... I thought it was seriously the space and that we would be good to go... And now its starting all over again

I beginning to seriously regret even wanting a wedding... It's just been so hard & nothing works...."

It's been really miserable to try and plan this wedding at points... Finding a space that is nice and reasonably priced and fits our personalities as turned out to be difficult.. I constantly worry about timeframe and money and whether we can make anyone happy with this--muchless ourselves.

And I know I'm being too hard on myself--and Johnno by default--and I have to let go of this energy. Hopefully this new space I found might work. I need to have something work out....

Just Zulu

My brother is a heroin addict

I just have to start there to get it out of the way. I found this out from my mother when I was in Vegas with Kelly and Johnno at the end of April. I was told the same way I am always told things--an off hand voicemail from my mother with no indication what is coming.

But I wasnt surprised.

She didnt know at first why he went to rehab--she assumed it was because of his drinking but I knew it had to be more. In high school both my brother and I dabbed in drugs--I liked a line or two of cocaine which I gave up due to an astham attack which high and my prefernce for my eating disorder. Michael though kept trying different drugs, becoming more brazen to the point that he was smoking pot with my dad.

I'm pretty sure he bought it for my dad.

ANd I knew that the drugs were always around--part of his social circle and never that far away. I knew that things were still going on back at his wedding when I walked into the wrong room at the wrong time. I shrugged off the pot, didnt see the coke and knew nothing about the heroin and pills.

That came later.

So when my mom told me I was surprised but suspicous about why he wa in rehab. And then when I talked to her on Mother's Day I found out that he had been kicked out of rehab for using the word faggot, he had got my mother to give him money to check into a new facility and finally explained about the drugs he was on.

I couldnt believe she believed him but figured we would talk more when she came out to meet Johnno. And I was right...

I asked her point blank if she had talked to my father about what was going on--I dont know why I bothered because I already knew the answer to the question. Cause the answer is always the same.

She didnt want to talk to him.

So I finally got involved. I called my dad to ask what he knew, when he last spoke to Mike and what was going on... Turns out Mike lied abuot why he was kicked out of rehab--he had tested dirty for heroin after getting caught licking a tainted envelope that someone smuggled in. He had conned my father out of a chunk of money claimimg it was for his daughters. He had stolen his wife's paycheck for even more cash and his friends already cut him off.

It's fucked up.

And I asked him the same question--if he had tried to talk to my mother.

It was the same answer.

So I became pissed off. I spent so much time growing up trying to be the gatekeeper, the peacemaker, the dealbroker. I used a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy from my parents to my step parents to my brother. It never worked because they were all so consumed with petty vendettas more than making bridges over troubled waters. It's part of motivated me to get good grades, to fuel my ambitions, to get in a great college...

I wasnt going down with the ship.

But now it's all stirred up again. That feeling that I HAVE to be the one to make the adults see reason. To be the one to explain that they have to talk so Mike doesnt continue to play them off each other for money or smokes or a place to stay. I had to scream and threaten to get the idea of them joining forces by talking and working together. It's the only thing I can do from LA to help.

And it still doesnt work.

And at this point I dont understand it--they have been divorced and remarried for years longer than they were ever marrried. I dont understand how they can let their pride and past slights interfer with their only chance to help save their son. It's next to impossible to kick heroin--its going to take a lot from all of us to help him and yet they still want to bicker and point fingers.

It makes me feel 13 again.

And it is to the point where I feel I have to threaten to cut them off from me if they dont pull it together. To tell them that I will NEVER be able to forgive them if they cant join forces to try and help Mike get the tools he needs to save him self. If he dies--I just think that will be the end of my relationship with them because if they are that disfunctional then I cant be apart of their lives anymore.

I know that I do have things easier--Mike will not show up at my door unexpectedly or call me for money... He can't access me the same way that he can my parents but I am still doing all I can to fight for him. But I cant do it alone.

And I need my parents to come together for him. They made a commitment to us.

It Comes Full Circle-ish

So I have given up meat, diary, pork and chicken as part of a new meal plan. It wasnt that hard to do since I did grew up veggie with my folks but it feels ironic to go back to it. And while I am not a full vegan--it's way too hard to eat that way--I have made a huge difference in what I want my body to feel and run on.

It feels good

But it's still a work in progress as it comes to vitamins and prepared foods I can eat, working out my meals around social events and even just being hungry and on the go. But it has mde a difference in my body already--I can feel the fat and muscle shifting around and make a changed fit when it comes to my clothes.

And while it is not for everyone it is worth a shot.

Loss For Words

I havent been able to write for awhile...

I cant blame it on the job or working on the novel, the social life hasnt been more than usual and I havent been sick or out of town... At least not much

The problem is I feel like I cant say anything right now

...

I feel like my hands have been tied by circumstances beyond my control... Part of the real reason I stay away from my blog is I'm afraid what I want to say will hurt people or be used against me at a later date. Somehow this has become less about my words and feelings and more about protecting others over myself.

I dont think that is a good thing

Part of what my journaling, blogging, whatver has helped me to do is clear my head, put things together through prose and make sense of myself... But I have also been hyper aware of not exposing others, hurting others or even talking about others... That's why there is nicknames and innuendo at times--to protect people.

But who's protecting me?

I just have had a rough couple of days and dont feel like I have any outlets I can trust to work things out in my head... Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but i just feel all tied up. It's not comfortable and makes me wonder if I need to bury this log and start over elsewhere with no connection to myself so I can speak freely.

I'm at a loss.

It Just Takes Time

So Johnno has got a new job... His dream job that he has been pursuing--much more than I would have done. I'm so happy for him, so happy for the money, the career movement, the good people he will be working with.

I totally owe Kelly a night of drinks.

It's funny because with this job being nailed down it makes wedding planning easier... In terms of days off, in terms of how we budget more for the day and just a general sense of calm and steadiness in his life. I can't wait to figure out the next few steps and get things moving again.

I'm glad that he is patient.

It's Probably For The Best

So I return to my job tomorrow after my long ass hiatus... While it was good to be off, to work out when I wanted, orginize bookshelves and clean out the closet, start on my new novel--its also had the weird side effect of making me feel lonely.

I know it's in my head.

But it has been bothering me how disconnected I have been feeling. Part of it is just spending the day alone for the most part, seeing only Lola and Johnno for days on end, leaving the house became a goal of sorts. However--I have also spent a lot of my time trying to reach out to people--via texting, via emails, voice mails and Facebook...

And people haven't been responding.

I was thinking the other day about the last few times I have had really moments with my friends--more than just hanging out at someone's house but talking and connecting. I realized that outside of a few random moments; book club with Kirby and Wynona, Edie's brief pitstop in LA over Easter week and Chloe's annual visit--I haven't had many times of true connection.

It's annoying me.

That's not to say that my friends are doing anything wrong--I have just started to see how much out of the loop I am... I don't IM or text anyone friend everyday, I don't get invited out during the week very often, I don't get phone calls or texts on the fly about things... Instead I spend a lot of time with Johnno--which is good--but very few other people...

I think that is leading to other problems.

Part of it is I don't feel very wanted as a friend as of late--I have done some reaching out but like I said--there's not much reaching back. So much that I don't want to be the one making all the effort--which leads to me and Johnno going out to bars on our own.... I love our time together but I wish we would connect with other people... I don't know if that makes sense...

And so I am overthinking things... Getting back to my job--which I love--will be a step in stopping the negative thoughts. So it will be a good thing. Let's see if I feel this way in a week.

Ecomony of Words

The writing continues to be flowing at a steady rate--somehow using a first person POV has really take things to a different place. Between my new techinque of using notecards for easier plotting and the lack of description that comes with the new writing process I am falling into the story fast.

It's a relief.

I have been sharing bits and pieces of the story with Johnno and Samuel--mostly for guidence and clafication on facts but outside of that there has been no huge hiccups. It's put me back in the headspace of feeling like a writer, which turns into living like a writer which is really just sitting down and writing. And with this story I have been able to write a chapter a day thus far--which is only taking a few hours a pop which for me is amazing.

It feels good.

The only problem will be once I return to work--balancing out my schedule of work outs and writing and the social life. I suspect that something will have to give eventually and it just might be my sleep patterns. But we shall see.

It's all new and open and not ready to pretend otherwise.

Progress

I have been working on a new novel idea... I call it an idea until it is at least halfway finished and since I am only in the planning stages--it's a not even a baby yet. I'm trying to make the actual story much more simple this time around because what has always caught me up in the past is the scale of how I write.

I do too much.

I like to create worlds--not like Hunger Games or Lord of the Rings--I'm much more of a real world writer with a young adult focus. I find something interesting within the world of teens; the idea of identity, the small social interactions and the idea of the future being a focus which all action moves towards.

Some would call me a snob.

But with that view comes a huge issue of scale--its not enough to have a protagonist and atagonist, a love interest or two... I find myself often creating a social network for my teens to exist in with parents and friends, teachers and bullies, part time jobs and lofty future goals. So what I am trying to do is scale that back somehow...

It's a process.

But I think it also allows me to have a style to my work. I hope that people can see a world when they read my worlds, filled with places and things they remember or are experiencing... First time relationships, the boredom and freedom of after school jobs, the lunches at the mall, the excitement of parties, the push between who they are and how their parents see them.

But I really just want someone who wants to read about my characters; whether they are a confused bi-sexual boy in a sports family or a little Eurasian girl deserted by her father, or a prom queen with a heart of gold who may be a boy or a girl. I just have to put the words out there.

That's the hard part.

Breaking Down Walls

So I had a breakthrough the other night... I had a stressful night at home with Johnno about projects around the Dollhouse and instead of asking for what I needed I just shut down... I just felt like because I had asked in the past for help, that when the time came he should have known to just step up and help.

He's not psychic.

As I was crying and arguing I suddenly realized why i don't know how to ask for things--why I confusing saying what I want with begging... Growing up my parents really ignored the things I wanted and what I was about... Not talking about chores or allowence but the simple act of help and support... So often to get what I needed I had to beg, to cry, to needle to get the simplest things... I hated it then and I hate it now...

I have confused asking for what I want with begging for table scraps, that people I love should know and give without me asking... It's an unfair burden on myself and it is a test for them when all they want is my words and my intentions. I have to get better about owning what I want and trusting that they can and will give it to me...

I am not a little boy hoping for better, I am an adult who has people who want to make it better... I have to trust in that and go for those things with an open heart.

Cue The Porn Music

The title comes from a tweet i sent out last week... After visiting the job I was very nervous--they have revamped the whole story department and are trying out something new with AVIDs and stringouts. Something I am not familiar with... So coming out of my visit I was feeling pretty damn disheartened even though I was still meeting up with my producer.

This is when I sent the tweet.

Imagine my surprise when I recieved a phone call from my producer the next day... He gave me a start date for the show, explained that the position would be changing somewhat and that they were eager to have me back. I was so relieved until he joked--"you dont have to cue the porn music"

BEAT

Turns out I forgot that I was friends with him and my bosses on facebook and they saw my tweet... Fortunately I was able to dance my way out of the situation with some ease but not before I was lectured by the office. I was told to remember that they like me, want to work with me and all I need to do is ask the right questions and they will steer me in the right direction.

I wish I knew why I was so mistrustful... i have no reason to be.

Nerves

I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.

And I'm pissed.

It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.

It's just so unfair.

But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...

I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.

Refocused

So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.

I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.

I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.

Going Crazy

I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.

I'm going off the rails.

18 Becomes 200

So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.

Wince

I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.

It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.

Refocus

So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out

It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.

How to Do Happy

I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.

Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.

It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...

It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.

Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.

Writing

So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.

Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that

But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.

Stir Crazy

I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas

But it is all so pretty

Cheap Dates

I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...

And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...

But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all

Mona to My Mouse

I cannot wait till this time next week when Chloe is here!!!! I am so excited to wander the streets of LA with her, share coffee and chats, meatballs and movie award shows, and all the ways we will catch up. I have been feeling a bit detached as of late but reconnecting with her always puts me back in the right head space. We have a lot of things to talk about that arent done easily over the phone--they need hugs and laughs and all the booze we can handle... Plus she has lost a ton of weight and it is going to make me gag with jealousy but push me back into getting more motivated.

I cannot wait to see her!

Tragic

I know it is ironic to use that word with Whitney Houston's death--whether she was off the drugs when she passed away or still using doesn't really matter... Her body was already shredded by her choices and it's not surprising that her body could have eventually given up.

But I still cant believe it.

She was one the first albums I owned, one of the first singers who I felt got me and she was just as strong an actress as well. The fact that she is just gone from existence blows my mind and makes my heart hurt. I cant explain what her music has done for me or how it changed me--it just did. Every so often someone comes along who makes you feel like they are sharing your experience and giving it shaped and meaning beyond what you could do or say yourself.

This is that song for me



I just hope she is at peace. But I also hope she knew how much better she made the world for people like me--regardless of all she lived through she did make a positive change on so many levels

Asshole:

The wedding planning has been driving me insane--to the point where I get so angry and frustrated with all of it that I become an asshole to myself and Johnno. I know exactly why this is happening and yet I cannot seem to stop. Its making us fight which I dont like and making things awkward which he doesnt like and it rides the line of turning mean sometimes.

...

The problem in this is all me--my need to know, my need to have answers, my freak outs about money, about having things set and in motion. The not knowing and not getting straight answers is pushing my buttons while Johnno is the driver's seat when it comes to contacting places and getting numbers. But we both keep misstating what we mean and what we want from the other person so then things get lost or ignored or ramped up. It makes the planning miserable.

I think part of the problem is I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to about it... It's not that the broom's men wouldn't listen but I feel like I can't turn to them--there is a million reasons why I just don't feel comfortable. And this lack of a sounding board has made me turn more and more to Johnno and he is part of the stress at times so....

I'm at a loss... But I am trying to work on this more and more--pulling myself more and more away from the situation to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this will actually start helping soon... Not sure how much more time I can take.

Hiatus

I am finally on hiatus from the job... Not that my show would normally have one but because the production company was behind on signing new locations and didnt need me. As of now I am off for the next few weeks which is good--I havent had much time off in the 14 months I have been at the show.

The time will allow me to get things done; get my workout schedule back, work on reading War and Peace, researching wedding venues and planning things, hopefully catching up with my friends and family. I have a lot of phone calls to make in the near future.

But the biggest thing I am hoping to work on is my stress level. Since I have quit again my stress has been through the roof and I am desperately trying to work on containing it. It hasnt worked out well yet and I spend more than half of my time feeling like an asshole and the other half feeling misunderstood. I need to fix things one way or another. Maybe I should start smoking pot again....

or deal with my issues--which ever comes first.

The Speech ABout What It All Means To Me



I have cried so much watching this very Meta speech about One Life To Live... Goddamn I will miss this show

This Just Makes Me Sad



The hard part is how much I dont feel like I can talk about this with other people because they dont get it. Growing up Agnes Nixon was a huge idol of mine--if not the idol--for the work she did in daytime... Not just creating All My Children, One Life to Live, and Loving but also having writen for various other soap operas. She is created with the first contract Black characters in daytime, the first to explore sexual abuse, addiction, Downs Syndrome and many other issues before most shows were aknowledging these issues existed.

I just wish she had passed on before seeing her entire live's work canceled and dismanteled. Just so sad...

Psycho

I feel like I am going crazy... The current offshoot of my life plans has led to me barely being able to sleep. Not that I don't want to sleep--I crave it all the time--but it is NOT happening. And since I am trying to break my nap habit this has become unbearable. I am about to develop an addiction to sleeping pills cause papa needs his rest.

I do not know how people like Dominic do this all the time.

and the worst part is I am just tired enough to be miserable but not enough to do anything worth while. I cant concentrate on my new books or the final episodes of One Life To Live so its not like I am using my time effectively. I need to just have a "sleeping cure" like Neely O'Hara in 'Valley of the Dolls'.



This is how it feels.

Out With The Old

I need to make more time and space in my life. I have been slowly deleting shows off the DVR record lists so I can use my time better, I try and combine my lunch with chores and I'm giving my closet the side eye and debating when and what to take out for donation.

I'm not sure what has brought on this sudden urge to purge things out of my life but it feels good and making me lightweight. Of course as I make more space I want to fill it but with less things and more events, more phone calls to friends, more space for my own words and ideas than others. I'm taking stock of who and what I want around me--while I cant have everything I want do to circumstance I can do everything to have a slot ready when it is time.

And no more naps... Every since I was giving a book poking fun at my passion for it I have been trying to break the habit. It's not working yet and I am dragging ass. some things never change.

Off To A Great Start

I spent my last day of vacation getting things done.... Cleaning the mold out of my bathroom, scrubbed the kitchen floors, wrote thank you notes for my holiday gifts, put most of them away, started my second new book and even re-upped my workouts with the classic P90X which is already making me sore. It's great

Now lets see if I can carry this new monmentum for a few more days... Tomorrow it is tumblr and patches and work again!!! I cant wait to get back on course with everything.

A Little Slice of Heaven

I made the joke last year that 2011 would be a little slice of of heaven--while it would be easy to harp on all the bad things, the sad things, the things I failed at or didnt work at--I have decided to list the positives of the past year.

-) I was able to spend more time with Edie then I have in years... Usually her job has her travelling so much of the time and to so many places in the world but this year I was really able to see her and all our friends together.
-) I was inspired by Chloe's dedication to her fitness goals... The girl keeps running and boxing and doing yoga and being healthy. She's reminded me to get my goals back in focus and the value of truly chasing after it.
-) I made the time for a real vacation... Spending the days I did in the midwest on the river did really help me destress and reassess the importance of relaxation. Its not something that i have been good at but I have learned its importance.
-)I learned to trust more in my career... So many people this year had tough moments in their jobs and I was really blessed to be able to stay at the same production company for over a year. But I was impressed by people who had some really crappy moments and were able to jump up and brush themselves off. Good luck at the 2nd new job Joy!
-) I did 75 days of P90X--which was very hard at points and I am restarting with the harder program in the new year!
-) I now know that I have to figure out what I want to care about and focus on those things, people and events. It will help reduce stress and strife and make my goals and choices easier and stronger.
-) And finally--I got engaged. It may not have planned in its details and the wedding still causes me the shakes but it's amazing and is only just begining to have ripple effects through out my life. Cannot wait to see what happens next

So NOT A Bookworm

I promised myself that I would read 50 books in the new year. It helped that Johnno had worked at Boarders and the story went under--this allowed him to stock our library with lots of cheap books and an employee discount. So it was not for lack of reading material that I failed.

I only hit 40 books--just ten short of my goal. I have to blame Anne of Green Gables and Fitzgerald equally--too much of either books would set me in a slump that I couldnt get out of. But I did pretty damn well all things considered.

Maybe I'll make a reasonable goal this year--like 20. Why so much less than last year? Johnno gave me a copy of War and Peace--unabridged.

This Is Going To Make 2012



One of my favorite books being made by one of my favorite directors with some of my favorite actors... Though I am NOT pleased that Jordan is being played by an unknown--does this mean she is not have a large part in the story?

But how dreamy is Leo as Gatsby.

....

I'm trying not to get too excited but it looks like Johnno and I may have found the place that we want to have our wedding at. It's local and interesting and the money looks good and the vibe is very us. It's hard sometimes with this wedding stuff--hard to talk about it without feeling like I am boring people, hard to not get wigged out over money and planning, hard to accept that this could really happen.

But now it feels in motion with a real proposal from the venue, all the bridesmaids asked and they all said yes. No idea what I will make Kelly, Chloe, Valeska, Kirby and Ally wear--and I have to make sure Edie doesnt do something crazy to outshine them all. And while I know the event is almost two years away that doesnt make me breathe any easier.

I need to find a way to talk it out so that I am comfortable without making it all wedding all the time. I dont want to be that kind of guy even if it is okay to be.

Finally

So work has FINALLY let up between me catching up on my tape load and just getting things done as quickly as possible. It's nice to go into the holidays and feel confident about where I am with the show--not so nice to have the idea of an end date being tossed about. But I have decided not to worry about that until the new year.

We'll see if that sticks

And now it is just a countdown to the holidays... Between Johnno's sister Siobhan coming down to LA and a slew of misfit holiday events planned it should be great even if money will be tight with a week's break from the job. But I figure I can come up with some things to do on the cheap even if just playing video games and hanging around naked with the boy. (After his sister leaves of course)

All that being said--it still doesnt feel very Christmas yet. I know it doesnt for most people who stay in LA but I have developed a sense of tradition even in the balmy days. But with no Griffith Park Lights or last minute holiday parties or gift exchanges it hasnt felt that cheery.

But I suspect that is about to change once break starts.

Guilty and Just In Time

As we start the Jewish holiday--I can't help but find myself touching on some guilt I have been feeling for the past few months. (IRONY) But I havent written about any of my writing projects because I havent been doing any. Between a killer work schedule, bouts of sickness, and various holiday plans I didnt do Nanowrimo which made me feel really disappointed.

I suck.

I havent been able to work out a balance when it comes to my time. I know I have touched on this before but I cant help but wonder if I shouldnt be more concerned that when push comes to shove I push the writing back most of all. It's not like I dont have stuff to work on--Johnno recently finished re-typing an old manuscript I had of an earlier novel I worked on and i recently began the process of re-plotting, name changes and cutting to turn it into a viable piece.

But I still feel like it is not enough.

I'm hoping that by using my break well I can regroup and restart my own work. I hope to find a way in the new year to create balance within myself. It's not because of the holiday that I will be doing this but rather because I will be less stressed by work which allows more time to schedule.

I just have to push through this and I can refocus. Guilt can be a good tool so here's hoping I use it properly.

Well The Cranky Pants Still Fit

Woke up really cranky this morning. It didn't help that shower handle wouldn't turn off so I spent about 10 minutes naked struggling to turn off the water posy shower. I even got a hand cramp. YAY

Part of me suspects that this crankiness is because I have got back on board with the calorie counting. I woke up starving and headachey so maybe that is more to do with the situation then not.

I am spending the rest of the morning practicing the smile technique. The idea is if you keep smiling even when upset it will eventually put you in a good mood. Fingers crossed because if I get even crankier it might get cray cray in here.

Time Goes By

I wish I knew how to make my day more effective. At the holiday party this year I really felt like i had little to talk about--I go towokr, I nap when I come home, I work out, eat dinner, watch some Tv and go to bed. That's about it. And it has left me feeling boring and uninspired.

Johnoo--to his credit--says I am not boring and thought I was too interesting when we met. There's a reason we're engaged.

It's part of the reason I haven't been blogging as much. I felt bad baout not doing NaNoWrit--because all of my writer friends pushed me on. I will admit I opened the door but I didnt realize how bad I would feel if I didnt do it. I missed my goal to read 50 books this year--though I did make it to 40. I haven't put the time in with my friends how I would like and havent worked on myself in some time.

And part of it is work and how stressful it has been. part of it has been me being lazy about doing things beyond the norm and part of it has been a lack of money now that the wedding is being planned for. Saving up has been hard.

But I need to work out something. A way to write, to make time for friends, to work on my body and eating issues, to continue to put my words here. I need a new project, a new goal and new means to get there. I can do this if I think about it.

I want something to bring to the table.

And A Unitard On A Pear Shaped Boy

So this started back around Thanksgiving.... Edie had return from New York for a brief stop before heading up to Canada for work. I had heard that she lost a bunch of weight while living in the street--I was hoping she would notice the difference P90X had been making on me for the last two months. Nothing was said and I was a bit bummed but made it wasn't obvious.

A few weeks later Johnno, Kelly, Ava, Bailey and I had plans to go out to a club night that Johnno and I had been to before with some other friends of our. We all had a good time--too much of a good time--but I felt cute and had fun. It wasnt until the middle of the next week and hanging out with Ally that I heard that I had taken some pictures back at Kelly's in a unitard.

Oh My God.

I didnt remember taking them and all I could think was how fat I must have looked in the outfit. I topped off that night with a conversation about this new jacket I had bought on line last year--it didnt fit very well at the time but I figured that I would shed about ten pounds over the year and it wouuld fit. It didnt

I told Ally about how it was more bothersome that it was extremely tight through the shoulders. This led to a conversation about how it was because my lats werent toned and she showed me the proper form for the exercise. I could feel the difference in the muscle and this lead to a two prong discussion. One was that it seems that I might need to work with a trainer to see if I am getting proper form on my exercises--I was honest that sometimes I dont feel things work when I am lifting or contracting them. The other part was about how P90X didnt seem to be working, that my diet wasnt helping things and I need to reassess.

It was a bit upsetting.

And then came this weekend and the Robin/Ally holiday party. I went in knowing that I would be going off diet and the real quetion would be as to how much. I tried to avoid chips and cookies--did okay on chips but not cookies--however I also finally was able to see the unitard picture.

It was awful.

There is a part of me that knows this is my fault--I make deals on food, I dont work hard enough to keep certain things out of my mouth and I have to be consistant with my eating, tracking my eating, how I work out and what I am doing when I am working out. I'm not upset with anyone but myself--I just feel like I try so hard and feel little acomplishment. I wish I didnt care as much as I do or could work on accepting things.

I mean--I know I will never look like Ryan Reynolds shirtless or a model from a magazine. That's not me and not what I want. But I do want to believe that I can look good, have things fit better, maybe be okay with going shirtless. I just want something so simple and try so hard and feel like I am failing. There is a part of me that is being to hard on myself and I know this but if I dont work on it and push myself then I feel like nothing gets done.

At least now I have a picture for motivation

I Love The Nightlife

So the boyance and I have being going out a lot in the past month. Its more than just the average social onslaught that happens after Halloween--we tend to end out to the gay bars on the regular. Its something I never did much unless single and hooking to hook up. I like it.

But what bums me out is that we go to these bars and events and I see all these groups of friends hanging out. Its always been hard for me to make friends--even harder to make gay friends. Once I am comfortable then I am good to go but until then I am a silent partner in the process. Johnno is much more firnedly and social but we have yet add any good gay friends to our soical mix.

I'm not sure why it bugs but it does.


Maybe its because I can see the value of having similar people in our lives. It gets depressing to go to bars and just talk amongst ourselves after awhile. It leads to more drinking then I would like sometimes and it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.

But it is something to work on.

....

Instead of spending time putting down my words anywhere--much less here--I have been busy working on Tumblrs and Amazon and various other websites when not working. I should probably feel bad about this but I am trying to get my shite in order for the upcoming holiday and all the things that come with it. That being said--I will be posting more often because there is so much to post about.

even if some of it is vain and some of it is offensive.

Return to Form

So I recently went back to a strawberry blond hair color--an accidentally result of going as Mitchell from "Modern Family" for Halloween. I forgot how much I like this color, how much it reminds me of being 19 in Boston, 23 in San Francisco, very old school. It probably helped that within weeks of doing it I was flirted with several different times in different places.

I like being a ginger.

I'm hoping that this change will push me to feel more confident. I do worry that it does mess up my coloring in terms of my clothing but there are worse problems to have in the world. That and gaining any upcoming holiday weight.

Be

I have to stop. I have to work on having trust, on having faith in things, on being okay. I have to learn that I am not who I thought I was and stop being afraid of every little possible crack in the moment. The truth is I am fine and I can take anything that comes my way. That I don't have to be in charge and clean and polished with everything in place. It doesn't make things better and it doesn't make me happy and it puts everything at risk.

I have to learn to be and trust in that.

This Cheating Heart

So I am half assing NaNoWriMo this year.... I decided that I would revisit my second attempt at a novel--one that has yet to be read by any besides me and Johnno... He's only read it because I am paying him.

Really.

This novel was one that I had printed out a few years back and then somehow lost the actual computer files. I'm still not sure when it happened but it took me a while to notice. I freaked out when I did because the idea of retyping so overwhelming that I kind of flaked out. But I managed to convince Johnno to take on the project for some cash and it has worked out well.

And now I am being to try and retool it. I haven't really typed a new word yet but have been working on renaming the characters and restructuring the plot in my head. What is interesting is I have found I have a handful of odd archetypes I revisit in my work. It will be interesting to see if I can get close to actually finishing it. But what I have reread I do like.

It's reassuring. It means I am taking up a hot lover instead of desperately holding on to hope for a love past it's prime. Plus it reassures me that I can have talent at points.

Forever Isn't Too Far Away

Been gone a bit... Not the first time or last time this will happen but at least i still feel guilty for not writing... Means I am keeping perspective I guess... Still its an excuse.

Boo...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I almost actually quit my job--it had become one of those situations where things were getting worse but no one was listening even though I am the only one in my department... I had been spending the last few Saturdays in the office (4 weeks worth) to try and make things better and when the show suddenly tried to upend that with list of new tasks to add to the ones I was hired for....

I lost my shite

I had to hide for at least an hour the day it happened--and every other day I was so upset that it was like the heat source radiating off my body. I try to be good at my job, I push myself very hard but even I reach a breaking point. I think the need to pay for my wedding is the only thing that kept me going--no matter how much Sophie try to convince how great it feels to just walk away from a job.

And then they saw the light.

Out of the blue my two bosses had a meeting with me and suddenly shifted my work load to something much more manageable, something I had pushed for almost 2 months ago and both were like-this makes the most sense right? I almost passed out from relief and in the time since then things have gotten much better. Much much better.

But until then I could barely string two words together much less a blog entry.

I always feel sorry about that.