Monday, June 04, 2012

Just Zulu

My brother is a heroin addict

I just have to start there to get it out of the way. I found this out from my mother when I was in Vegas with Kelly and Johnno at the end of April. I was told the same way I am always told things--an off hand voicemail from my mother with no indication what is coming.

But I wasnt surprised.

She didnt know at first why he went to rehab--she assumed it was because of his drinking but I knew it had to be more. In high school both my brother and I dabbed in drugs--I liked a line or two of cocaine which I gave up due to an astham attack which high and my prefernce for my eating disorder. Michael though kept trying different drugs, becoming more brazen to the point that he was smoking pot with my dad.

I'm pretty sure he bought it for my dad.

ANd I knew that the drugs were always around--part of his social circle and never that far away. I knew that things were still going on back at his wedding when I walked into the wrong room at the wrong time. I shrugged off the pot, didnt see the coke and knew nothing about the heroin and pills.

That came later.

So when my mom told me I was surprised but suspicous about why he wa in rehab. And then when I talked to her on Mother's Day I found out that he had been kicked out of rehab for using the word faggot, he had got my mother to give him money to check into a new facility and finally explained about the drugs he was on.

I couldnt believe she believed him but figured we would talk more when she came out to meet Johnno. And I was right...

I asked her point blank if she had talked to my father about what was going on--I dont know why I bothered because I already knew the answer to the question. Cause the answer is always the same.

She didnt want to talk to him.

So I finally got involved. I called my dad to ask what he knew, when he last spoke to Mike and what was going on... Turns out Mike lied abuot why he was kicked out of rehab--he had tested dirty for heroin after getting caught licking a tainted envelope that someone smuggled in. He had conned my father out of a chunk of money claimimg it was for his daughters. He had stolen his wife's paycheck for even more cash and his friends already cut him off.

It's fucked up.

And I asked him the same question--if he had tried to talk to my mother.

It was the same answer.

So I became pissed off. I spent so much time growing up trying to be the gatekeeper, the peacemaker, the dealbroker. I used a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy from my parents to my step parents to my brother. It never worked because they were all so consumed with petty vendettas more than making bridges over troubled waters. It's part of motivated me to get good grades, to fuel my ambitions, to get in a great college...

I wasnt going down with the ship.

But now it's all stirred up again. That feeling that I HAVE to be the one to make the adults see reason. To be the one to explain that they have to talk so Mike doesnt continue to play them off each other for money or smokes or a place to stay. I had to scream and threaten to get the idea of them joining forces by talking and working together. It's the only thing I can do from LA to help.

And it still doesnt work.

And at this point I dont understand it--they have been divorced and remarried for years longer than they were ever marrried. I dont understand how they can let their pride and past slights interfer with their only chance to help save their son. It's next to impossible to kick heroin--its going to take a lot from all of us to help him and yet they still want to bicker and point fingers.

It makes me feel 13 again.

And it is to the point where I feel I have to threaten to cut them off from me if they dont pull it together. To tell them that I will NEVER be able to forgive them if they cant join forces to try and help Mike get the tools he needs to save him self. If he dies--I just think that will be the end of my relationship with them because if they are that disfunctional then I cant be apart of their lives anymore.

I know that I do have things easier--Mike will not show up at my door unexpectedly or call me for money... He can't access me the same way that he can my parents but I am still doing all I can to fight for him. But I cant do it alone.

And I need my parents to come together for him. They made a commitment to us.

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