Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Breaking Down Walls

So I had a breakthrough the other night... I had a stressful night at home with Johnno about projects around the Dollhouse and instead of asking for what I needed I just shut down... I just felt like because I had asked in the past for help, that when the time came he should have known to just step up and help.

He's not psychic.

As I was crying and arguing I suddenly realized why i don't know how to ask for things--why I confusing saying what I want with begging... Growing up my parents really ignored the things I wanted and what I was about... Not talking about chores or allowence but the simple act of help and support... So often to get what I needed I had to beg, to cry, to needle to get the simplest things... I hated it then and I hate it now...

I have confused asking for what I want with begging for table scraps, that people I love should know and give without me asking... It's an unfair burden on myself and it is a test for them when all they want is my words and my intentions. I have to get better about owning what I want and trusting that they can and will give it to me...

I am not a little boy hoping for better, I am an adult who has people who want to make it better... I have to trust in that and go for those things with an open heart.

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