Loser/Gainer

I have spent the last week with an unending case of hunger. I'm not sure what this is all about but I have been fighting the urge to eat everything not chained down. It isn't, as Lola suggested, some diet issue about food cravings and it isn't, as Edie suggested, anything to do with my workout plans, but something more.

Because I have been craving things I never want. Like I made myself go out in the pouring rain to get sour cream for chili. I don't like sour cream. I loath the texture and feel guilty about the idea of eating due to how unhealthy it is.

I have made myself hunt down cherry frosted Pop Tarts. Even though I don't like sweet things at all. Even though they can only be found in boxes of six which means I will have to eat the whole box. (eventually. not in a bing way) I even ate one untoasted which is a HUGE waste of a pop tart.

I can't figure out why I am doing this. Nothing in my life should make me feel this empty that all i can do is stuff tings down my throat. I'm on the edge of happy and it is just there for me to jump into.

Unless I'm trying to bulk up to weigh myself down for the pluge. So that if I trust enough to leap at happiness I will make damn sure I sink all the way into it.

Quote of the Day

From the Go Fuf Yourself Girls regarding the following picture



"enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that's as near as you're going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep's house next time you're in the neighborhood."

It's not mean if it's true.

This Will Make Me Cry--Cause I Am So Excited

From Perez Hilton



Hello, Twilight effect?

The CW has reportedly picked up a pilot based on L.J. Smith's book series, Vampire Diaries.

The first book of the series was originally published in 1993.

The books revolve around a young lady who is torn between two vampire brothers, one good and the other evil.

The brothers battle for her soul, and the souls of her small town friends and family.

Would you watch?

I am so excited. This is one of my FAVORITE teen series ever and is so much better (I think) in style, plot, character and pacing than 'Twilight'. I don't even think I could leave the house if this show makes air!

Art Makes Me Wet

The raining is having a free fall this morning. Waking up, I hear raindrops in one ear as the other is still buried in my pillow and I debate what to do with my day. The best thing I can come up with is a bit of excitement at the idea of looking out the window—the park will bright and green with all the water. I like that.

One of my favorite things about the rain is how it makes everything and anything more important in Los Angeles. Like walking to 7/11 is an amazing feat. Going out dancing seems even more risky than normal. People look amazed when you show up places because you BRAVED the rain. It is suddenly like everything is so impressive and intense because of something that means nothing anywhere else in the country.

I think it just sums up Los Angeles. We care so much about art and being creative and ideas and looks and impressions more than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes that is shallow but sometimes I can’t help but love how excited my friends get at certain directors or certain shows at the Getty museum or how much they love to get dressed up. It is kind of key to who I am—interesting but unique to just one corner of the world.

Quote of the Day

From Chloe's blog of days past

"You always hope the mistakes you made with one person turn into successes with the next"

It's true. It is always about hope and faith and pushing to the next chance

I'm Not-But I Am

I recieved this on my FB page.



It turned me into a puddle. A puddle of sentimental goo...I am NOT a puddle!

And yet I am melted and sticking to the floor whenever I think about the gesture and what he means by it. Maybe I should just learn that being into this is okay. Because I am into this--fears, nerves, wetness and all.

Hope and Highland

So Saturday night happened. I finally met up with Johnno for our first 'real' date after all the on-line flirtations and Ims and story swapping. We were supposed to go to Hooters at Hollywood and Highland (because we is post modern gay boys) but were defeated by an unexpected line for Saturday night in Hollywood. (Obviously post modern does not equal smart.)

So instead we ended up at Mel's dinner where we managed to eat (something I had not been able to do all day) simple sandwiches and twisty fries between bouts of conversation. It was hard to make eye contact because it felt like (for myself) I was dodging around the tension and hope that had been brewing for the last week or so. I didn't want my desire (or my need) for us to be like we are with words and computers to be so obvious now that we were in the same space. And I couldn't tell if he felt the same or if he was just avoiding showing disappointment.

But we managed to survive a meal together without too much awkwardness and some endearing fumbles before Johnno and I headed out into the night. Somehow 'the Hooters/Hollywood is busy' vibe threw me off when it came time to find the next big thing to do and so instead of hitting up Snow White Cafe or maybe trekking over to Spotlight we ended up heading back to my neck of the woods. (Cause it was closer). The plan was to take Johnno over to the Starlight for drinks but I realized that it is a tough bar, a cash bar and a bar most likely to have my drunken roommate possible appear at. None of these options appealed.

So yeah-we stayed in at the Dollhouse. We listened to music and managed to break the ice between us over looks and hands touching and a million little spaces of sound and silence to move us through the evening. It was more than nice but less than amazing--if only because nice sounds cold and amazing sets the bar too high. But I am very hopefully that once I clean up my big mistake from that night that there just might be something more to be had. Not a relationship out of the gate but just the continuation of two people moving towards each other.

I just hope he might feel the same.

From Lucy--which is From Erika Lopez

"as i came out of The Abyss, i decided that if i was going to live and not die, then i would not just be resurrected as a consumer. i wouldn't just take up space and use up a lot of crap. i wanted to be a part of revolutionary change among the idealistic and optimistic. i wanted to take my anger and newfound enthusiasm and make happiness and peace and goodness AGGRESSIVE. i wanted to LOVE AGGRESSIVELY.

the picture of the 115 pound californian yoga teacher sitting on a mat in cool spandex didn't do a thing for me. it wasn't happiness porn.

but the idea of taking a running leap at anyone i love does look like happiness porn for me. and whoever rolls their fucking post postmodern eyes at me will get their tsk tsking little throat ripped out by my teeth.

la la la...

go have a good fucking day. go love someone loudly. and if they roll their eyes or say you're silly, tell them it's a shame they missed the best damn love of the day.

yeah. you all are fucking amazing. now go act like it before you die or someone else dies. be hostile with your affection. yeah. "

Ms. E. Lopez , my hero.

thanks lucy

Unlikely Boy Crush



His name is Adam Sevani. He is super young and possibly dating Miley Cyrus. But man he can dance ever so amazing and is just so awesome which is why I find him so crushable.



He is in the baseball cap and is awesome. But not fuckable.

(Just putting that out there so post not creepy)

Nothing But Heartcakes

So I haven't been writing much. The reason isn't the usual 'oh I am boring' but rather that I have been kind of afraid to put out there what is going on with me. Mostly because some of it could be used against me at a later date. But it does me no favors to just hide out.

The biggest thing-ha!-going on right now is that I am quite possibly in mid-infatuation with a new guy. Now without going into all the details, let's just say that he and I talk a lot everyday and we're gearing up for the first date this upcoming weekend. And I am scared shitless by the whole thing.

I mean-I am not a sweet, hearts and flowers (we all know how I feel about flowers), gushing guy. I am snarky and flirty and inappropriate more than some foolish romantic and yet for some reason this seems to be where my head wants to go. (Though I fight with all my might) It is just the first time that I feel like I have ever had chemistry with someone--in the sense of what 'chemistry' means romanticly.

And I know that sounds cheesy and weird but I have been around the block a few times with a number of different guys. I know that I am not coming from some 'babe in the woods' ideal that some people do but I have never had someone who seems to be so in line with me mentally, so in synch with me about so much and just on top of all the right things. It drives me to distraction, I can't help myself when we talk and I just feel like this could be important. So much so that I feel at a loss at what to do next.

I mean--I know that we'll have the date. I know we won't be sleeping together because I want much more than that. I have to try and calm down. I have to make sure I eat and sleep and do normal things as opposed to constant navel gazing. And yet I can't help myself and this kind of scares me. Heart on the line and all.

What is even scarier is I know that there is a good chance he will be reading this. And yet--this is the first risk of some many more risks to come with him. I am assuming it will be the first or else it is nothing but heartaches.

This Seems Mostly True

The Executive

You scored 76 Extroversion, 78 Intuition, 45 Emotional, and 25 Spontaneity!

ENTJ
Relationships ESFJs are warm-hearted individuals who highly value their close personal relationships. They are very service-oriented, and their own happiness is closely tied into the happiness and comfort of those around them. They are valued for their genuine warm and caring natures, and their special ability to bring out the best in others. They usually do not handle conflict well, and may tend to be very controlling or manipulative. Relationships are central to their lives, and they put forth a great amount of energy into developing and maintaining their close interpersonal relationships. They expect the same from others.

Strengths
Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, they want to please others
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities
Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them
Generally very good money managers
Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events

This Makes me Ever So Happy

LOS ANGELES – The creator of "Star Trek" and his wife will spend eternity together in space. Celestis Inc., a company that specializes in "memorial spaceflights," said Monday that it will ship the remains of Gene Roddenberry and Majel Barrett Roddenberry into space next year.

The couple's cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules designed to withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-launched spacecraft will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from fans. The Roddenberrys' remains — and the spacecraft — will travel ever deeper into space and will not return to earth, company spokeswoman Susan Schonfeld said.

After Gene Roddenberry died in 1991, his wife commissioned Celestis to launch a part of his remains into space in 1997. She died Dec. 18, 2008.

Quote of the Day

This morning to Edie after the events of last night after 1am. (Yes--there were events after 1am on a Sunday night) This was my response to her being annoyed I did not take better control of the situtation. (Though it was all fun and stuff)

"If I am your guardian angel then you are fucked!"

Because seriously people--if we have learned nothing at all about me--I am the last person to take responsibilty for your morals. I can barely handle my own

Quote of the Week

This email is from my high school friend Taylor. He just thought I should know the following....

"shopping for cowboy attire for the cattle baron ball tomorrow night. "

Seriously? This still exists? Why have I not been to said event? Why can I not use this as a theme for my birthday party? (If I were to have one?) Seriously! It is so Dallas 1986!

Nines, Ones, Ones

So I have been having the weirdest recurring moment as of late. For the last four days I have been waking up on my own (no alarm) and doing the slow rise up out of slumber only to find that I have been doing this at exactly 9:11 each morning. Not on purpose, no repeating stimuli to trigger the wake up, just a random fact as of late.

I am sure it must mean something; that idea that I feel like my life has been in flux and a bit too hectic and all over the place has somehow led to me just snapping out of sleep at such a pinpoint period of time. Does it mean that I am feeling weak and helpless like the time of 9/11? Is it a some way that my mind is trying to cue me in to get help like 9-1-1? Bceause I just can't understand why it is so exact.

Maybe it is some weird numerology thing involving the number two which would tie into the amount of flirting I have being doing lately and my desire for a relationship more than sex. or maybe it is my body's way of telling me to pay antention, to get focused, to get back on track.

I don't know anything except this is weird. Really weird

How I Feel

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

Lord Help Me

Seriously

For two hours last night I fell apart. Like the edge of all insanity and sadness and whatever you think that feeling might encompass. It was so hard for me to just keep myself together and while I did want to talk about it--I realized I didn't trust talking about with the people I was with. Which is horrible on so many levels.

I just have felt very much a hot mess at points. The New Years Eve party at my house caused me to freak out on some levels but not the expected ones. I wasn't upset by the guest list issues but by the fact I couldn't cook--because I have NEVER bothered to learn how. I just felt so incapable and not in a Bridget Jones way but in a 'stupid way'.

Then there is the neverending novel issues. I had plans to have certain parts done by New Years--which didn't happen. Then I made a goal to have certain parts done by the start of my new job--which will not happen. (Unless I either stop time or ignore everything. Neither is a real option) And since my goal to make up for the selfless-ness (word?) of 2008 I had decided to just really focus on myself for the back end of the year and going into the new year with a continued focus. I just feel like if I am not careful I will continue to not make my goals. (Though Samuel has been a HUGE help in all of this.)

It didn't help that I am not at ALL happy with my job situtation. I did take a job without really pushingh for information--which was stupid and I KNOW better--because I allowed the idea of working with people I like to trump any common sense. It doesn't help that the few people I have dealt with thus far have been IDIOTS and have MISLED me on pieces of information. I mean-I knew it wouldn't be great but wasn't expecting all this crap--the location being different than I was lead to believe (which makes getting there HARD), the money being so low for a SUCCESSFUL NETWORK SHOW (the least amount of money I have made since being the DRAMA DIRECTOR at a SUMMER PROGRAM), and just the general misinformation and stupidity of the people I have dealt with thus far.

LE SIGH

And of course there is a guy that I like... It is making me crazy. He and I started flirting off and on on OkCupid before Thanksgiving and now we have started IMing. We just have weird, yet silly, long conversations--but I can't tell if we are really flirting or just playing at flirting. Then I wonder if I have ever really been good at flirting which leads me back to the 'bitch' comment on got on the night before NYE... (The story--I went out with Ali for cocktails and she ended up making friends with some strangers there--it was fun until one guy asked if I was a bitch. Because I didn't seem to be fun at all. It was AWESOME!) It wouldn't have phase me as much if I had not--last year actually--gotten the same comment from someone I know about how much of a bitch I come off as when people first me.

So there is one part of me that is worried that I can't make things work with this guy on-line (in terms of just getting somewhere) and there is another part of me that is overthinking how I come off when I go out because apprently I am just a BITCH.

Not that I have been going out much. I have been really self aware of my weight gain between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve which has less to do with eating choices and more to do with, once again, throwing my back out briefly. So now I am constantly paraniod about how easy it has been to retrigger my back issues--even though I have been doing and trying different things--and how I just want to get back to the weight I was at at the end of BB 10. Not that I have gone double wibe or anything--its me just being afraid to push so I don't hurt myself again but also really wanting to see results because now that i know I can have them--I want them back.

I guess the crux of my situtation is that what I have always found to be very 'clever' about myself is now seeming like weakness. The not cooking, the not getting enough of the novel, trusting my career choices, the playful non-flirting/flirting, the bitchness, the self awareness... Suddenly it seems like these are all weak points as opposed to strengths.

I just don't know right now. Really.

Quote of the Week

"If I was any more excited I would have to change my underwear."

Gabe regarding his feelings about a new job. Sarcasim people!

How Do You Know

Where you stand? I mean, you can be flirty. You can have a handful of great talks. You can like each other looks and laugh at each other jokes. But how do you know if you are really flrting or just playing nice?

Sometimes I wish I was less subtle when it comes to guys. If only life was more like Melrose Place then I could just throw them on desks and have my way...

Unlikely Man Crush

He's funny. He has a rather deep voice. He is probably not the best in bed but at least there will be a sense of humor about it. And he does great voices



His name is Seth MacFarlane-the creator of 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad'-which should make me think possibly less about him but I can't help but think he would be a good time for a night or two. What is scary is that one of my friends in Los Angeles works on one of his shows and i could ask all about him but am afraid I hear stories about hookers, coke and Vegas and i would rather imagine that he is just cool and laid back and not a big Hollywood guy. I already had Aaron Sorkin ruined for me.

But Seth does fit into my type of witty, cute over sexy, smart type of guy. I can't even tell you how hard it is to watch the behind the scene stuff on Adult Swim. I just squee.

I don't like to squee

Is It Writer's Block?

I have hit a wall in the novel... One of my fears with the book is that i have made the plot too dense and now I am starting to realize that maybe that fear was correct. I'm not sure yet what to do--to either ditch a plot point midstream or try and find another way to work with the plot point. I think I need to take a day to just think really hard--maybe pick Samuel's brain for ideas--before any final decision is made.

I just hate the fact that I have been at a stand still for the past few days... And this stand still is conviently before the 2/3, big drama moment in the whole story which sets things off. But I just can't seem to figure out how to make my characters do what I want them to but in their own way. But i'm sure they do have their own way

Or else I have a huge hot mess to clean up

Goody Bye/Hello and Hello/Good Bye

2008 has come to an end. It was a year of me working on doing more for others; a year were most of my choices weren't really about myself as much as they were about being there for other people. Some people would think this was a mistake or a waste of time but by allowing me to make others a priority I allowed myself more freedom.

So much of the time I put so much pressure on myself. To be a certain way, to do certain things or to not be a certain way or to let certain things go because they seem like they are impossible. I am my own worst critic and also the first to downplay my abilities and truimphs.

But somehow, by taking my own goals out of the equation I managed to make the most impossible things happen in my life. It was like by giving myself a break from the overthinking and planning, drama and introspection I suddenly allowed myself more time for more realistic goals.

It was a year of change that went by mostly by chance then planning and it was a year of learning that I can make changes if I don't oversell or overplan.

I was a go-go dancer.

I was a bridesmaid.

I was able to finally see the start of ab lines and a flatter stomach

I was able to start and really create a strong first novel

I took back my professional reputation from those that doubted me

I was able to take back my heart from past hurts and play it forward

I was braver than I thought

I was sexier than I knew

I was more heartfelt and passionate about things that matter

I was able to do right (mostly) by those I love

I learned how to be a better friend

I learned how to harp less on the negative

I saw what was important

I also saw what was not

And I was able to let more people into my life.

And while 2009 is only a few days in I already can feel myself recommitting to things that matter, continuing to be creative and brave, to trying to continue to create and nourish the things that matter and learn to let what does not make me happy is what I need to learn to let go.

Here's hoping that 2009 is the year of fine.

This Makes Me Sad



NEW YORK – Eartha Kitt, a sultry singer, dancer and actress who rose from South Carolina cotton fields to become an international symbol of elegance and sensuality, has died, a family spokesman said. She was 81.

Andrew Freedman said Kitt, who was recently treated at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, died Thursday of colon cancer.

Kitt, a self-proclaimed "sex kitten" famous for her catlike purr, was one of America's most versatile performers, winning two Emmys and nabbing a third nomination. She also was nominated for several Tonys and two Grammys.

Her career spanned six decades, from her start as a dancer with the famed Katherine Dunham troupe to cabarets and acting and singing on stage, in movies and on television. She persevered through an unhappy childhood as a mixed-race daughter of the South and made headlines in the 1960s for denouncing the Vietnam War during a visit to the White House.

Through the years, Kitt remained a picture of vitality and attracted fans less than half her age even as she neared 80.

When her book "Rejuvenate," a guide to staying physically fit, was published in 2001, Kitt was featured on the cover in a long, curve-hugging black dress with a figure that some 20-year-old women would envy. Kitt also wrote three autobiographies.

Once dubbed the "most exciting woman in the world" by Orson Welles, she spent much of her life single, though brief romances with the rich and famous peppered her younger years.

After becoming a hit singing "Montonous" in the Broadway revue "New Faces of 1952," Kitt appeared in "Mrs. Patterson" in 1954-55. (Some references say she earned a Tony nomination for "Mrs. Patterson," but only winners were publicly announced at that time.) She also made appearances in "Shinbone Alley" and "The Owl and the Pussycat."

Her first album, "RCA Victor Presents Eartha Kitt," came out in 1954, featuring such songs as "I Want to Be Evil," "C'est Si Bon" and the saucy gold digger's theme song "Santa Baby," which is revived on radio each Christmas.

The next year, the record company released follow-up album "That Bad Eartha," which featured "Let's Do It," "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" and "My Heart Belongs to Daddy."

In 1996, she was nominated for a Grammy in the category of traditional pop vocal performance for her album "Back in Business." She also had been nominated in the children's recording category for the 1969 record "Folk Tales of the Tribes of Africa."

Kitt also acted in movies, playing the lead female role opposite Nat King Cole in "St. Louis Blues" in 1958 and more recently appearing in "Boomerang" and "Harriet the Spy" in the 1990s.

On television, she was the sexy Catwoman on the popular "Batman" series in 1967-68, replacing Julie Newmar who originated the role. A guest appearance on an episode of "I Spy" brought Kitt an Emmy nomination in 1966.

"Generally the whole entertainment business now is bland," she said in a 1996 Associated Press interview. "It depends so much on gadgetry and flash now. You don't have to have talent to be in the business today.

"I think we had to have something to offer, if you wanted to be recognized as worth paying for."

A Banner Week

So the high from completing my NaNoWriMo finally crashed and i felt myself get stuck this week when it came to my novel. It didn't help that I wrote a scene then came up with new details for the scene which worked better but accidently deleted parts that I could have merged to make something great.

I also had my feelings really hurt this week and feel kind of helpless to address the parties involved. There is only so many times I can beat my head against the wall before I just give up and now I am done. But the parties involved are still in my life and yet I just feel such anger with them that it is impossible.

Then I (within the same week) hurt someone else. I didn't mean to and am quite happy for them but couldn't control my selfishness and took things rather badly. I have already attempted to make a mea culpa but it doesn't take away from my actions.

I guess I just feel like I can't get anything right. But at least Kirby helped me out with some things so that I could get back on track at least in one of my avenues of contention. I just need to readdress myself and figure out how to make everything work.

Le Sigh

YEAH YEAH YEAH

So I did it and made my National Novel Writing Month deadline. I am so exicted and proud of myself for getting 50,000 words done in 30 days. I am even more excited that the few people who I have really shared my story with seem to like it.

Now the new goal is to have the novel fully done (rough draft) by the stroke of midnight New Year's Eve. I think it is doable even if I have a lot more story to tell but I know now that I can make a goal if I set it hard enough

How cool would it be to start the new year with a new novel finished? (In rough draft room that is!)

Quote of the Day

From the Nation Novel Writing Month Forums

"All boys are transparent until you start to date them. Then they become mysterious."

I find this is always true.

Unlikely Man Crush



So I have loved Joshua Jackson from his early days as a 'Might Duck'-what is it about hokcey players? Seriously-and grew to love him more from his awesome turn as the best gay boy ever--by best I mean he is playing me if I was a character in a film--with his bleached blond turn in 'Cruel Intentions'.

And while I am not a fan of 'Fringe' I will say that Pacey Wittaker had me at hello. Though I am a bit bummed he's thinned out a bit in the past few years I still get very nervous at the idea of ever sharing the same physical space.

I know where he indoor rock climbs and can never go there because I would mostly likely fall to my death if we were to be on the wall at the same time.

Le sigh. Thank OMG for adding him to your 25 Hottest list

Something to Think About




I didn't say it was a deep thought kind of thing. Just enjoy the magic.

This Day in History

I know it makes me geeky and a bit gay but here you have a clip from one of my first memories... Of television that it.




To this day my mother and I can break into a conversation about this show without batting a lash. I mean, it sucks nowaday but I will always remember moments like this.

Na No Wri Mo

Since my life as been overtaken by my novel I figured I would share a bit of it so that you won't feel like I totally abandoned you. It's young adult but there's no Edward Cullen in this mix. (Sorry Edie and Lola) It's been a bit hard to not feel dated in some aspects since I am about 6 years older than my main character-he's 16-but figure I can just watch some MTV, CW and read up on Facebook to catch up.

That said--here' a summary from my Nanowrimo page.

Timothy Blanchard is the most average boy at his school with two exceptions--he's gay and has a photographic memory.

When he is unceremoniously outed, Timothy goes from being the name no one remembers to the one on everyone's lips in a matter of days. Whether it's landing the lead in school play, being best friends with the most popular couple in his class, and even gaining a secret admirer, Timothy can't help but finally stand out.

But with great popularity comes great responsibilty and Timothy is about to realize if he can't remember who he is he might just fogret who he can be.
I think this sums it up nice. Until I lose control of my characters which might be already starting....we'll see if I can get these brats back in line.

Quote of the Day

RE the importance of limb placement in photography.


"I looked at our picture and thought to myself 'that's not your man hand, Lola'"


This was a smaller piece of a longer conversation between Lola and I about photos, on-line dating and teenage vampires. (Not sure on the last part was an actual subject but her eyes kept creeping back to the copy of 'Twilight' so its all good.)

The Little Rory That Could

So my novel has been swinging between bouts of picking up steam and derailing beautifully before my eyes. I'm trying to keep myself going by turning the phrase "it's only a firts draft" into my mantra but it doesn't always work. I mean, my word count is rising and my characters keep surprsing me with the ways and means they use to achieve their goals.

But I have been struggling a bit with a new development. I just realized today that I might have accidently created a "Duckie" character with my book and am not sure how to handle that. A Duckie is a character from 'Pretty in Pink' who as an archetype is the goofy, odd ball character who has incredible chemistry with my main character (MC) but is not supposed to be the love interest that wins out in the end.

So now I find myself wondering if I am going to create disappointment with my book (if it is ever published) by having this great character who is so lovely and flawed and fun not being my MC happy ending. So now I do the dance of 'how to fix what isn't broken' without ruining everything yet to come. Which then makes my hands feel tied everything time I sit down to write because I am at a loss.

There is a part of my that says I should just keep going, regardless of the original plot, and just see what happens. But without knowing the end of the plot I could create a hot mess.

"It's just a first draft, it's just a first draft, it's just a first draft."

Sometimes You Have to Wonder

So I talked to Samuel last night. We were on the phone for three hours, dancing from writing to television to boyfriends and family; we're both invested in our seperate happiness. It's weird because I have never had an ex that I am still so connected to but it is nice and novel. It feels right.

But as we were talking I was thinking about all the times it has come up, but not to my face, about how my friends talk to Johnno about Samuel. They're never directly rude, that I know of, but they constant imply that my relationship with Samuel was not a good one. In the sense of they just put up with me dating him and, by default, dealt with him only because of that. It makes me feel like a fool.

Not because I regret the relationship with Samuel; I don't. But it makes me wonder how honest my friends were about that relationship if all they have to say is such negative things about it and him. I can't help but wonder if they just went along with it because it was easier than pointing out there was a problem. And if that is what they were doing then it makes me wonder about what else they keep from saying to me.

I am more curious than worried, more bummed than angry about the situtation.

There is also a part of me that says that after any and all break ups--we all latch on to the negative things so that we can help our friends move on from heartbreak. That I am reading too much into the casual diss, the slight revisionist history that seems to have sprung up in the aftermath. It's easier than thinking that my friends would just sit by and watch me make a fool of myself.

Pill Pain and Protests

So I threw my back out again. I did it last Thursday when stretching during my yoga dvd and it was just a bad movement and not being focues. It's okay though--it would be much hardere if I was working but with all the time off I am able to just lay down when needed. That and Joy managed to hook me up with some vicodine.

Now normally I am against pain meds for the simple reason that with blocked pain I can tend to forget that I have to be careful. But the pills actually helped me be able to march this past weekend and that was just as important to me as back safety.

And the march was amazing. I went with Kirby, Wynola and Luke--and Sabine was also there but we did not managed to meet up--and we made our way to Silverlake for the No on H8 protest. This was Kirby's first involvement with anything like this and it was my first real protest since college.

And while I was somewhat disappointed--there were a lot of white people which we pretty much have locked down as supoorters--I still could not help but be amazed by tyhe number of people and the pure scale of the event. It made me realize thatI am apart of something for more than just myself and something I need to try and be more involved with. And that vicodine makes it feel like you can march forever.

I have a lot more feelings on the subject but my back starts to get sore from too much desk chair time so--I have to leave it as is.

But I am going to the Nov 15th protest and should have more to write then.

The Last One

So this is the last thing I will say about the past 24 hours but I have to say something so I can get it all out of my head.

See--I can't stop crying.

I'm not a crier. Anyone who knows me well knows this to be the case. I'm a stiff upper lip, keep it to my WASPy ass, no one wants to see a man cry type of guy.

And yet the tears can't seem to stop creeping out if I'm not paying attention.

There have been a lot of people--who in the nicest way possible--have been telling me to suck it up. To get with the program and look at the positive things of the last 24 hours. To just go with the flow. (The liberal flow as the case may be.)

But I can't.

Most of the people in my life can't relate to how it feels to be me today. And while I hate the idea of playing the gay card (as much as I hate the Black card, the woman card, the married card, the religious card) I think that I am coming from a different place then most of those I know and love.

Because today I know for certain that a majority of the citizens where I live think I should not have the same rights as them. Last night's election was about my rights as a person, my ability to have something that is not even questioned for anyone else that I know. (For the most part.) And while we can say that Prop 8 is a gateway for all types of moral policing, we're all in this together, it opens the door for other things, that it is unfair on principal for people in general--today it feels personal.

I can't really explain what it is like to be a minority in the United States. I can't explain what is like to be judged, dismissed and hated for something that is as a part of me as anything else. To know that there are entire groups of people who exist to try and restrict my basic human rights. But these are just large and impersonal examples.

I could try and explain what it was like to be the 'class fag' throughout high school. To be made fun of every day, spit on and isolated to the point I still hate the town that I came from. Even my brother did some of this

I could share how it felt to have "friends" in college make fun of my sexuality to the point that they invented a game called 'Offend the Rory" while my other friends sat back and watched.

I could talk about what it was like to be verbally threatened at my job for being a faggot and how it felt to have my boss tell me to 'suck it up'.

I could explain how it feels to have gone on job interviews and know that I would not be hired because I was gay. The moment when you know that you are being judged and discarded for making someone uncomfortable.

I could relive every time I have been called a faggot just standing on a street corner, minding my business, as I run errands in my neighborhood. The fear when someone out of the blue just verbally attacks you.

I could go on about the times when I have given my opinion or my advice to a friend or family member and had it discounted because I am gay and therefore do not get "it".

I could tell you about what it is like to always have to hesitate a moment before grabbing a boyfriend's hand or dancing as a couple or standing too close together when out in public. About the number of moments in my life where I have had to wait and suss out the situation before I can become a part of it.

I could try and describe that moment when I can see that someone hates me, not because they know me, but on the basis of my sexuality. That moment where you can see their eyes, the face, their body language change because they suddenly know that I am gay and to be something less because of it.

I could spend the rest of my day writing examples to try and make people begin to understand where I am coming from. How it feels to be separated and considered different, to be thought less of, to be afraid of the world, to be scared for myself... (And sometimes my boyfriend.)

Because that is what today is about for me. That feeling of isolation and hatred which I always managed to put somewhere in the back of me feels like it is on full display today. It's like having kryptonite thrown at me, like being naked in public, like being singled out of the thousands as something to be pointed at excluded.

So I will spend today being raw, wearing sunglasses to hide wet eyes, not shaving or getting dressed, avoiding the television, being pissed at the protest in Castro and West Hollywood (because those aren't the battlegrounds), not taking pity or hugs, being annoyed at those who try and tell me they get "it" when they have never been discriminated against.

It's one of the few rights I have.

And then tomorrow I will get up and start all over. I will smile and be civil, I will pull myself together and head out into the streets with a positive attitude, and I will put back on my suit of emotional armor and act like I am okay and ready for the next part of the fight.

But for today--I'm not having any of it.

(And by the way—I don’t need anymore reminders that Obama will be a part of the solution. He is not for gay marriage and is only for civil unions as is Joe Biden. He also believes that gay marriage is a state’s right issue and not a federal one which is a simple way to avoid the whole mess. He only came out against Prop 8 because of the fact it repeals civil rights that were already extended to citizens. This is one of the few times that a civil right has been repealed—making 18,000 marriages possibly invalid—which he believes is a dangerous precedent because it could open the door for similar actions against other minorities.)

Its raining in Los Angeles

As I sit and decompress after a long writing session I can't help but wonder who I will be tomorrow. I like to believe in the goodness of people; that most people understand the point of human existence is to try and live together in harmony. We all want happiness and joy and everything possible that comes with it

And even though happiness is a very personal thing--something that is different for each of us--I can't help but wonder what type of person would want to prevent another person for being happy.

I have been blessed that for all the flaws and faults that my family has--and there are many--they taught both my brother and I to believe that people are all equal. Not just by telling us but how they lived--that my grandparents marched in the South, my great aunt had gay friends back before Stonewall, that my parents were environmentalists, worked with special needs children, had friends of all types and showed us by deed that to be good is to just be open.

That even when we disagree the pure fact of existence ties us all together. That your struggle is my struggle, your success my success and your joy can be my joy.

I may go to bed tomorrow a 2nd class citizen and while I will not believe that to be true, it will be imossible to not feel that way and wonder what I did to the world to be made to be aside so easily.

I just want happiness for us all. How is that so hard to achieve?

Na No Update

So while the novel is not fully plotted yet I do know the following...

It is a young adult novel.

There is a bit of a french farce element to it.

I have managed to introduce all but two of my major characters.

3 days in and I am 5200 words into the story.


Thus far my main charcater might just hate me because of the following

-I have given him an allegry attack

-made him sneeze on the most popular guy at school

-had him get yelled at by a teacher

-have his books knocked out of his arms

-taken drug overdose (but nothing too hardcore)

-give another classmate a bloody nose

And he is about

-have his clothes stolen from the locker room

-faint and be found naked

-be outted as gay during a underground punk rock show

(I think I might be a sadist.)

Why I Love the Nanny



Cancer survivor, advocate and Nanny alum Fran Drescher has just written this great editorial, which we think everyone should read!

She says:

"When did it become okay to discriminate? What country are we all living in anyway? I thought this was America, am I wrong?

Wake up folks before it’s too late! This country was founded on the premise of separation of church & state. And why do you suppose that was? Because back in the day of our forefathers, (ya know, the dudes who fought and died for our freedoms) life under an oppressive British empire was more than they could take.

Living in a “my way or the highway” nation sucked! Dictation, Denial and Discrimination was the name of the game until our founding fathers decided that they’d had it!

“Let freedom ring!”, they shouted. And a HUGE part of that freedom was of course separation of church and state. If you are truly an American, (and not some closeted fascist) you are part of the privileged few on the planet who get to live in a country that supports tolerance of diversity. Heck we celebrate it! We can be who we want to be, pray to whomever we choose to pray and live as equals regardless of gender, race, creed or sexual orientation.

To think that in this upcoming election there is actually a proposition to add an amendment to the California Constitution to legalize discrimination! Shame on us! This proposition is not about gay marriage; it’s about hate, discrimination and intolerance of diversity. It is wholesale, unadulterated hate-mongering and it MUST be snuffed out in a dramatic fashion at once to illustrate to those behind it that in America we embrace the neighbor who might be different from us and are proud of it!

So to all you TRUE Americans, get out there and vote on November 4th, and let’s reject hate.

Get all your friends, co-workers and relatives to vote too and make sure you vote NO on proposition 8.

Freedom Fighter,

Fran Drescher"

Because I Love

So Edie had pointed this photograph out to me the other day.



We have been in a love affair with Zac Effron not because he is hot but we both can’t get over the camp appeal of the ‘high School Musical’ franchise. (That and we are so Ryan and Sharpay.) And while his body is quite impressive, Edie was quiet a bit concerned that Zac migt be crossing a line with his outfit due to his more…masculine…self being shown in the photo. But she wasn’t sure if she was imagine that this were as adult as they seemed and so I—as an artist seeking truth in the arts—decided to give her a definitive answer to the question at hand.



Yes, Edie, there is a happy trail on Troy.

(You can thank unemployment for the free time to investigate this matter.)

Na No Wri Mo

So I’m biting the bullet. A huge, creative, massive bullet and joining in on this year’s Nation Novel Writing Month. I have been thinking about how uncreative I have been as of late and how when I am uncreative in my artistic avenues I am boring as a person. So in order to get myself on track I have decided to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. (Hopefully I will use less trite turns of phrases as a result.)

Na No (as it is known in short hand) is a writing challenge where you sign up for a website and promise that for one month you will write no less than 50,00o words—which is a good chunk of adult novel or in my case a full young adult book. I’m not sure what my plot will be and it could blow up in my face but I also know that even if I fail to complete the task at hand I will still have gotten more done than usual. And where the website really comes into play is as a cheerleader of sorts and a validation point for the whole process with forums and support groups and even workshopping if you choose at the end.

So I don’t know if this means I will be blogging less or more but it does mean that I am going to give my creative side more of a center stage. And I will let all that junk that keeps me closed off fall to the wayside for the next month. Wish me luck—and you still have time to join in the fun.

Inspired By--
This week's inspiration is a picture brought to my attention by Raquel



16 year old Bride from the UK. She wants to be a Glamour Model.


Here's the conversation between Lolly and I regarding this picture.

Me 'It seems a bit mean to have this picture over a quote of her saying she wants to be a glamour model.'

Lolly 'Honestly though--she needs to be told.'

Me 'I don't know... Have you seen what passes for attractive there? I mean--Jordan?'

PAUSE

Lolly 'Maybe we should go to London.'

Less A Trick and More A Treat

So the infamous Detroit Street party came and went this past weekend. I had gone into the party with some nerves—as is my way—but for the most part the night felt like a smashing success for everyone involved. Between Joy managing a way to show up, Lolly and I both well turned out as a ‘Devil in A Blue Dress’ and a ‘Sex Librarian’ respectively, and Kirby and Wynona somehow pulling off a cute couple costume after their original idea fell through last minute—it just felt like everyone was in the zone.

Now this is my favorite party of the year as well as my favorite holiday, but it is not without its drawbacks. I am almost always forced to deal with two of my worst phobias by the pure nature of the event. Part of it is my social anxiety and part of it is my own personal anxiety and both take turns duking it out in my subconscious. I usually feel like I piss off someone at the party with my ADD behavior but it’s because of my social phobia which forces me to keep moving like some type of society shark—stop moving and it will be social death—with the end result being that someone usually feels snubbed or me feeling unconnected to anyone.

But fortunately that didn’t really happen this year--at least not that I was aware of—and everyone seemed pretty pleased with themselves. I managed to dance and drink and pose and party with pretty much everyone I knew and I didn’t feel like I missed out on much of anything. (Though I did miss my friends who weren’t there; like the girls in Mexico and my boys Nolan, Dominic and Shannon. But it is never a perfect guest list. Le sigh) I felt like I had managed to overcome my social anxiety but my personal anxiety was still nipping at my edges.

See, the one thing I hate most in the world is having my picture taken and obviously this is a huge part of not only the party, but Halloween itself. Every year I try to get with the program; I smile in pictures and pose without compliant even though in the back of my head I am screaming at myself. Because I rarely ever like the way I look in pictures, ever, but to not take pictures would be even more difficult because then I have to explain myself and then get made fun of for being so vain or silly or whatever term is thrown at me.

The thing is—I wish I could make people feel the way I do when faced with a camera. Because it is not a simple ‘I don’t want to look bad’ but it is so much more than that simple a statement. Every issue I have ever had about my body and myself gets revisited, relived, and reviled for the briefest of seconds—I see every flaw I have ever had in that moment, hear every time my eating habits have been questioned or prodded, feel my hands pinch and poked every inch of fat, and taste the bile from my years of purging and binging. It’s like the flash that happens when an alcoholic walks in a bar or a former smoker drifts through a cloud of nicotine—that sudden moment of craving just tears back into you. Even after all my years away from that behavior and yet the mere sight of a camera forces me to revisit that part of my past.

And the only thing harder than the moments posing and smiling and just letting the camera happen is seeing the actual photographs taken. Because until I see the photographs, I just imagine the worst case scenario replayed in my head a million times. And when I do finally get the dreaded email or link or see the phrase ‘new pictures added’ my stomach drops and my breath is bated until I can be alone to scan through each and every shot. And while I used to pick for flaws I now have learned to pick for the misconception—what do I see and what do I feel. How much of what I see in my mind’s eye matches what I see in the mirror which matches what I see in photographs—how far off am I? And even though I am years away from how bad it used to be—I know better how to cope than ever before—it still comes crashing back in bits and pieces.

So I was a bit worried about seeing the pictures from the party but braced to deal with it in a hopeful yet stoic manner. But imagine my surprise when I liked EVERY picture I saw that night. I’m not talking about some pictures or liking pictures only after I cropped them to get out the ‘bad stuff’ but just liking, adoring, loving every picture I saw of my self from that night. This is unheard of and made me believe the following three things; that I have learned how to pose properly in photos, that my workout routine has really paid off and that I might actually be a rather attractive individual who has learned to stop being so critical all of the time. It’s even possible all three things might be true.

I’m not sure what it means but it makes me very happy—much more than I could believe possible.

Oh--Yeah--Opps

The pictures might be important with the entry eh?



Sex Librarian



shh...



Shh...



SHH!!!!



A Devil In A Blue Dress, Always A Bridesmaid-Never A Bride, and Me



Being A Sex Librarian Is Hard Work



Seriously though--Shh!!!

View From My World
(Meggy is a gangsta)



So this is my sister—my five year old sister Meggy. (She is holding my niece Olivia) It is weird to have a much younger sibling; not just because of the age difference but also because how different your parents will always seem to both of you. My brother and I grew up with cool Mom—the one who loved Two Live Crew and was all about hip clothes and TV shows and just was more of a friend than a mom. She shaved her head and rode motorcycles, took up yoga back before Nirvana and use to give me books like ‘Fear of Flying’ because she thought that it was important we know feminist thought. I like to believe that is why my brother and I are so interesting and independent.

But this is not the mom Meggy will have. She has the mom who won’t let her have Bratz dolls and takes her to Disney multiple times a year. She is only read fairy tales and is allowed to want to be a princess more than a feminist. She goes to church and has family dinners every Sunday between ballet classes and horse back riding. But even still—parts of our mom pop out of her personality. Like how she watches British sitcoms with mummy and can make the most weird cute British sayings at the most random times. And she knows weird science facts and even managed to hotwire her Leapfrog playmate. And she is just as fashion and cute as my brother and I were.

She also has obviously seen a Missy Elliot video or two.



Strike that pose Meggy. It’s fierce.

Not Normally Political But I Love This

A Meandering Post

So I was bitch yesterday. I mean—just hell on wheels, Leona Helmsly on a bender, PMS meets hot flashes type bitch.

I was hanging with Kirby (who since she has a night job is able to meet up during the day and while I am unemployed it works well for both of us) and we ran over to Burbank to help gets some stuff together for her Halloween. This worked well for I was looking for a few items too and so we made our way all merry. As the day went on though, I became increasingly annoyed at my inability to find the elements for my own costume. And while this happens every year—I just found myself being snappish and borderline rude as the afternoon progressed.

I felt bad as Kirby and I said good bye; I wasn’t be much of a fun friend and I tried to figure out why that was. Part of it is that I am not really into the Halloween party this year (due to the girls being in Mexico) and as such I am not much into my costume. (I actually stole my idea from some one else who will not be at the party but still…) And As I lay in bed I realized that it was because I was bummed that this is the last year of the Detroit Street party and it was making me sad. Ten years of fun and costumes, drinking and smoking, meeting boys and dancing with friends would have to be different after this year.

It seems that that for the past year or so all I have been living through has been changes. All the weddings, the aftermath of breaking up with Samuel, the Lizzie fiasco, Naomi moving to Las Vegas and Kaylee moving in and then out and off to Portland. I barely saw both Charity and Ruby in the past twelve moths and even had a dry spell with all of my writing. (This blog included.) So it has felt like my world is changing but I’ll still me.

And yet I have to admit there have been huge upsides as well. I became closer friends with Nolan in all of this, Lola now lives with us and is an amazing roommate, I returned to BB and conquered. I have finally developed abs lines and was able to be a part of some of the best memories of any of my friends’ lives. And even though I haven’t been able to do everything right I have done pretty well. And still I feel a bit off and lost compared to most I know.

So I spent today making the best of things. I picked up the glasses for my costume; I managed to get in a nice workout and was even able to allow myself a slight cheat night in terms of food. Which is all good but as I stayed in tonight I couldn’t help but wonder if I was becoming a bit of a spinster. I found myself watching ‘The Starter Wife’ while just lying on my couch as my friends all were off doing something interesting. So I put on my glasses to test out how they felt.

Now the glasses have been a bit of an obsession with me, not just due to my costume but also do to my own preference of eyewear. I’m not sure if it is because of Encyclopedia Brown or my mom or even Indiana Jones but for some strange reason I have always wanted glasses. One of the weirdest disappointments ever was finding out that my eyes are perfectly fine and that I might never need them but even still… I spent the night just hanging out with my glasses on, studying my face in the mirror and even went to 711 in them. For some reason I just find them awesome—not just for me and how smart they make me feel but because they just make me think everything with glasses is cooler. (I make passes at boys in glasses.)

And I as I prepared my costume and all details for tomorrow I allowed myself to just give all the negative thoughts a break. I will look cute in my costume tomorrow. Staying in tonight is just me resting up for an awesome party with some of my favorite people in one of my favorite places in the world. And perhaps I might just feel braver and smarter and even more together because of all the things that are coming together. Maybe I’ll even amaze myself tomorrow and make a good final memory or two.

And if all that fails—I love my glasses.

(See I told you this was meandering)

Today in a Sentence

'My name is Rory and I'm a bitchaholic.'

Creativity is Yours to Lose

This Came From Heddy's blog and I thought I should pass it on.


Common Ties
www.commonties.com

Writers Guidelines

We pay $50 per accepted answer. If you would like to answer one or more of our questions, please email CT20Questions@gmail.com with both the question(s) and corresponding answer(s). Please keep in mind:

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I have to admit this is a bit of a hard challenge but it did help to loosen up my poetry muscles which makes this more than worthwhile to me.

A Flashback of Sorts



Enjoy because Lord knows I did.

A Moment of Clarity

I have been wrestling with a major decision as of late as part of an overall attempt to really just take charge and find some new focus in my life. Part of this process has been really about looking at works in my life and what I could stand to change—which has led me to examine everything from eating down to my friendships. As of late, I had been wrestling with what makes a friendship work and when is a friendship not really a friendship anymore…

The funny thing is that this entire internal dialogue was a very backburner type thing—something I ponder while I waited on people or things to happen. This is partially because—as Edie is prone to point out—not working can make you crazy and overly critical and partially because I just hate the idea of closing the chapter on relationships of any sort. But then I had a couple nights is a row where I woke up out of a deep sleep thinking about certain people. I’m not sure why or what I was dreaming but I just found myself snapping out of heavy fog to very clear thoughts. Like creepily clear.

Now the truth is—I don’t really expect a lot from my friends. I ask only loyalty and honesty and everything else is open for discussion or interpretation. What that means is I would rather you say what you feel then kowtow to my emotions or expectations—I want you to be who you are and sometimes it is not going to gel with who I am. I tend to be close friends with only those I admire on some level, and the one trait I admire most in people is their ability to know and own themselves first and foremost. Outside of that I tend to be free flowing when it comes to the little things that make friendship—I don’t need a call everyday or to hang out all the time. Part of what makes people interesting is the experiences they bring to the table and I like to imagine that everyone I care about is off doing something awesome.

So when I reach the edge of my rope with friendship things have to have been lackluster for awhile. And that is where I am right now—at a point where I can’t continue to feel as if I am doing the chasing or the heavy lifting and I have to (for my own piece of mind) put things in perspective. And where that leaves me is knowing that maybe some of my friendships have reached their natural end—that whatever it was that bonded us has faded or changed or grown into something that is no longer sharable. Which is fine.

And I knew it was fine was when I woke up last night and felt myself let go of certain feelings. There was no emotionally output but just a sense of calmness—like it was time. I guess that is what happens sometimes in life. We realize that some people can only be with us for part of the road and that when the road forks off sometimes we part—not out of anger or sadness but that it is the way things have to be to continue to grow. It gives me serenity to feel this way. No sadness here—just memories of who we were and hope that we can be better parted and in our futures.

Bridget Jones Had It Hard

So I finally finished my week of the food journal. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of what I had eaten—mostly because I made myself jot everything down before I sat down--the really hard part was doing all of the math needed to figure out my daily intake. Did you know it is next to impossible to find out the proper information for a large pinkberry? That almost all basic nutritional information seems to be buried pretty deep and it is no wonder why people can’t seem to figure out what they are putting in their mouth. I think I spent more time on the searching then I did on my entire voting packet. Add in my workout schedule—and pulling the numbers into something I can use—and it is much harder than any one thing has the right to be.

Now without going into to the specifics of my all of numbers—calories used and eaten,—I was kind of surprised how much of an arc when it came to how much food I having per day. Like every day or so had a huge spike in the numbers and it was to the point of more than a couple hundred calories difference. Then once I factored in calories burnt working out, as well as general ups and down of the diet, I started to see there was a very unhealthy pattern emerging. But I also knew that looking up this information would help me out and so I did not need to panic about what I was doing. Then I made things worse.

I went and researched how many calories I should be having per day—which is a number made of a combination of weight, height and age—and realized that my numbers were way off. Like some days I have been eating less then half that what I am supposed to be doing. This does explain a lot in terms of being tired or cranky fairly often but also left me confused as to how to best use this information. Because now if I suddenly up all my calories to meet up to the proper number will I gain a ton of weight or should I just not worry about. Or should I try and reset my entire food intake over the course of the next few weeks?

And while it is good to have a proper number as well as a reasonable idea of how much I eat, I am still worried that I might be too close to over thinking this. But then again—given the unhealthy numbers I came up with then maybe I should be over thinking my eating patterns.

I’m in Love With A Genius

Okay… I’m sure that everyone knew about this much sooner than I did but nonetheless I do have to rave about this new craze of mine. Valeska had asked me and Edie a while back if we had tried out the new itunes update and if we had had a chance to play with the new Genius option. I said that I hadn’t because I just thought it was a gimmick to get you to buy more singles in the music store—here are songs you like because you like this one—and I knew myself well enough to know that I don’t need the temptation. I am among other things a music whore as evidenced by my ownership of The Jets.

But then Valeska explained that the Genius option was more of a music sorter and could create really solid play lists based off just one song you like. I kind of didn’t buy into the theory but now that I have been playing with it nonstop for two weeks—I am totally hooked. Not does it pull up artists that make sense—Carly Simon leads to Joni Mitchell which leads to Velvet Underground but it also pulls more current artists in a similar vein like Tracy Chapman and Regina Spektor which means that it is not a decade grabber but actually sorts songs. The only disappointing thing is when a song has no Genius option to pull up I then have to build my own play list from scratch. Which I’m quite good at so not much of a problem.

The only thing I find odd about the whole system is that there have been songs with no Genius—which means the store can’t suggest other songs or form a play list from it—and yet somehow the unlisted song shows up on other play lists as a reasonable match. Not sure how that happens but I guess one flaw can’t spoil the whole thing. Unlike my new obsession to get the artwork for all the singles I have in my library.

I haven’t done anything but search the artwork for the last two days it feels like.

This Makes Me Sad--Kind of

"LOS ANGELES – Mr. Blackwell, the acerbic designer whose annual worst-dressed list skewered the fashion felonies of celebrities from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Britney Spears, has died. He was 86.

Blackwell died Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center of complications from an intestinal infection, publicist Harlan Boll said.
Blackwell, whose first name was Richard, was a little-known dress designer when he issued his first tongue-in-cheek criticism of Hollywood fashion disasters for 1960 — long before Joan Rivers and others turned such ridicule into a daily affair.
Year after year, he would take Hollywood's reigning stars and other celebrities to task for failing to dress in what he thought was the way they should.

Being dowdy was bad enough, but the more outrageous clothing a woman wore, the more biting his criticism. He once said a reigning Miss America looked "like an armadillo with cornpads."
A few other examples:

Madonna: "The Bare-Bottomed Bore of Babylon."
Barbra Streisand: "She looks like a masculine Bride of Frankenstein."
Christina Aguilera: "A dazzling singer who puts good taste through the wardrobe wringer."
Meryl Streep: "She looks like a gypsy abandoned by a caravan."
Sharon Stone: "An over-the-hill Cruella DeVille."
Lindsay Lohan: "From adorable to deplorable."
Patti Davis: "Packs all the glamour of an old, worn-out sneaker."
Ann-Margret: "A Hells Angel escapee who invaded the Ziegfeld Follies on a rainy night."
Camilla Parker-Bowles: "The Duchess of Dowdy."
Bjork: "She dances in the dark — and dresses there, too."
Spears: "Her bra-topped collection of Madonna rejects are pure fashion overkill."

The critic acknowledged he had mixed feelings about appearing so publicly mean. Most of the women he put through the wringer, he said, were people he genuinely admired for their talent if not their fashion sense.

"The list is and was a satirical look at the fashion flops of the year," he said in 1998. "I merely said out loud what others were whispering. ... It's not my intention to hurt the feelings of these people. It's to put down the clothing they're wearing."

He told the Los Angeles Times in 1968 that designers were forgetting that their job "is to dress and enhance women. ... Maybe I should have named the 10 worst designers instead of blaming the women who wear their clothes."

Surprisingly, the woman who topped his worst-dressed list for 1982 (announced in early 1983) was the newly married Diana, Princess of Wales. He said she had gone from "a very young, independent, fresh look" to a "tacky, dowdy" style. She quickly regained her footing and wound up as a regular on Blackwell's favorites list, the "fabulous fashion independents."

Blackwell had started out as an actor himself, having been spotted by a talent agent while still in his teens. He landed a job as an understudy in the Broadway production of Sidney Kingsley's heralded drama "Dead End." Although he got to play the role of the Dead End Kids' leader on stage only one time, it led him to Hollywood where he landed bit parts in such films as "Little Tough Guy" (uncredited) and "Juvenile Hall" (as Dick Selzer).

He abandoned his acting career in 1958 after failing to make it in movies and switched to fashion design. He claimed to be the first to make designer jeans for women, and his salon had begun to attract a few Hollywood names when he issued his first list covering the fashion faux pas of 1960. (Italian star Anna Magnani and Gabor were among his early victims.)

It quickly brought him the celebrity he had long coveted, and he quickly became a favorite on the TV talk show circuit. He hosted his own show, "Mr. Blackwell Presents," in 1968 and appeared as himself in such TV shows as "Matlock" and "Matt Houston." In 1992, he sued Johnny Carson for claiming that he had added Mother Teresa to his list, saying the comment exposed him to hatred and ridicule. NBC's response was that the "Tonight Show" host was obviously joking.

"Did you see what he said about Mother Teresa? 'Miss Nerdy Nun is a fashion no-no,'" Carson had said. "Come on now, that's just too much." During his heyday the issuing of Blackwell's annual list was an eagerly anticipated media event.

On the second Tuesday in January he would assemble reporters at his mansion for a lavish breakfast before making a dramatic entrance for the television cameras. By the turning of the millennium, however, the list had lost its juice and Blackwell took to issuing it by e-mail. Born Richard Sylvan Selzer in 1922, Blackwell recounted in his autobiography, "From Rags to Bitches," a troubled, poverty-ridden childhood in which he was variously a truant, thief and prostitute.

He is survived by Robert Spencer, his partner of nearly 60 years.

By BOB THOMAS, Associated Press Write"

Book Whore

What They Always Tell Us by Martin Wilson

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is probably the best book I have every read about growing up--at least the most similar to how I grew up. It is a story of two brothers who both have to deal with repercussions of one night and the trickle effect it has on their entire life from high school to the family to themselves.

I think what I loved most was that neither brother was a simple character but they each surprised me in how clearly well rounded they were. I think it is very hard to not to rely on high school stereotypes but Martin Wilson makes everyone in the book much more than complex than any young adult book I have read before.


View all my reviews.

This Is Kind of Why I Wish Kath and Kim Was Better
I love me some Selma Blair. I just think she is funny and like to be fun as well. And while I know this video was on Pereze Hilton I still think it is worth reposting.



Because she is just so fun and dry. Love it.

Because Some Ideas Rock

I'm not sure why I am so amused by this but nonethless I am.



I think it has to do more with the fact that for every one of the shirts that vintagevantage.com sells they will donate a dollar to Planned Parenthood in the name of Sarah Palin.

While I keep my views on the election to myself, my views on personal choice of any kind are very well know. Choice is power--even if it is not your choice

The Food Diary

It has been a long time since I have felt compelled to really sit down and take stock of my eating habits. The last time I did this for any real intention was back in high school and even then it was part of a forced plan to get me over some medical humps I was dealing with. But after the Ab Fab sleepfest and a weird crying jag because of a work out routine I felt it was time to really shift focus and get back into a healthy take on my general well being.

Now I would like to believe that I tend to eat well—I hate sugary foods, skip diet soda except the weekends, and crave salads more than pizza but then I sometimes wonder if I fall too far to the other side of the issues. Like do I really eat enough to keep me going? So the hope is that when faced with the bras tacks of the whole thing that I can make a better effort towards redefining and setting some new goals.

But it does worry me that I might get to fixated on the overall count then the overall plan to expand my healthy eating.

Ab-normal

This is a true story. I know at times my life comes off as a bit too much; its kind of the point I think. But this entire story is true—top to bottom—and I’m trying to figure out what it is supposed to all mean. It started off as an ordinary night’s sleep, a bit warm and a bit restless but it was sleep nonetheless with no reason to really be disturbed. And then this thing happened (and I know this thing happens all the time to everybody) where I just woke straight up out of a dream in a start.

As I took in a confused breath or two, I found my mind struggling to focus on what just happened. After a moment, I realized that I was halfway in bed, just waiting for something to happen, with my hands on my stomach. Now if I was a girl, this would be the part where you might assume I was cramping and if this was a movie and I was a girl, this would be the big foreshadowing to a pregnancy but since I am not a girl and this is not a movie your best bet would be to guess it was either a sickness or a muscle spasm. As my mind continued to puzzle box its’ way back together, I realized that I was very familiar with my current position and as the last pieces slid into place I realized what my hands where doing. They were trying to gauge the intensity of my body as they had done many a time in the recent past--turns out I had woken myself up mid-crunch.

I was doing my abs routine in my sleep.

Now this could mean a million things. It could be that my life long neurosis about my weight has reared its ugly head. Even at my best, I am constantly in battle with my past eating disorder, my body image waxes and wanes all the time and this could just be a new and odd side effect that means something totally different and yet totally familiar. Kind of a like a soap opera—vaguely similar but enough to throw the audience off. It is obviously kind of freaking me out but not enough to feel like I need any outside help because it could be other things.

It could be about me being the single person in my group of friends, my fear that I am not doing enough to be datable and that my subconscious self is trying to force things along. That maybe my inner self seems to think I need to get more done and this was how it chose to manifest itself. I hate the notion that somehow I might be (in the back of my mind) desperate enough to think I need so much help with my love life that rest is not an option. But even then this is bull because I have (in the past month) had two separate times where I was chased after by a guy and flat out denied them. So its not that I don’t realize that I am attractive in some way.

It’s quite possible that I am just that crazy. But hey—if this gets better ab action happening then maybe I should go with it.

Something to Make Me Laugh--And Maybe You

I just felt a need to laugh.



I think I have seen both the guys and the girls in this video over at the galleria.

Unlikely Man Crush

This is David Levithan.



He is an author who writes young adult ficition that makes me wish that I was his boyfriend. He has a number of titles that cover everything from young gay love (Boy Meets Boy), to high school society (The Realm of Possibility), to his best known 'Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist'. Each of his stories is vastly different but with characters that seem like everyone I knew growing up and everyone I hope to know as I get older which is a unique skill in not just the young adult market but fiction in general.

While he is not the cutest of authors or gay men, he is someone who's unique love and understanding of the art of writing makes me want to stride to be better. Every book of his is a joy in its own way and he always seem to reach outside of his comfort zone in terms of style, plot and character. He's no Steven King or Danielle Steel in how he pushes his craft constantly.

I also find his efforts to help young writers through his work with anthologies to make him even more dreamy. So congrats David for being one of my Unlikely Man Crushes.

Quote of the Day

This comes from Lola and I making our way through the city and passing a bar we’d both heard about. I asked what she thought it might be like and Lola responded with….

“I hear they have a breathalyzer.”

This just sounds like a real bad idea.

The Rebirth of Slick
So the blog is back. It never really went away, wasn't a casualty of the myspace blog option and is not being reborn due to the flagging popularity of Tom or his wonderful social website.

Truthfully, the blog went down for a bit due to my own inability to understand computers and all the issues that can some times can bring. Basically once blogger and gmail got together we had a bit of an issue dealing with their new relationship and I walked away from the madness for quite a bit.

But having become smarter, and having the time to spare, I finally pulled my journal back in shape and even gave it a bit of a face lift. The name has changed from 'Being Your Locklear' (A loving tribute to the one and only Heather Locklear) to what I hope will someday be the title of my first tell-all. As such I hemmed and hawed over a new name and realized that my new title of 'Beautiful People have Pasts' summed up my own sense of irony and self worth to a tee.

I also surrounded the blog with new links--some to other writers I enjoy, to websites I shop, to places where my body of work has had street cred as well as to places I like to visit for everything from gossip to fashion to charity websites. Now I can't promise this will be the most interesting of places, I can only promise it will be a window into who I am and how I see things.

Now here's the disclaimer--I write only to place my thoughts down as a record of my own progress as a person and a record of my life. It will have navel gazing, it will have humor, it might be sad but it will always be a way to understand where I am coming from even as I change everything. Nothing is meant to be more than just my view--a view that is in constant motion.

That said--hopefully this is something you will find worthwhile. It will cover everything from my friends to my dates to my job to my own sense of self. It will at times tackle larger things in the world as they effect me, sometimes it will be just a simple review of a song or a book or maybe a funny quote or two. I do use code names for the people I write about--not to keep secrets from the nearest and dearest--but because I don't want to tell the stories of others but my own story. (And my parents read this as well.)

So feel free to read and comment, to suggest ideas and share your own. This just a way to connect with me and each other as much as we all choose. Enjoy