Someone Call the Doctor STAT!!!

Okay, i have fallen. Not tripped, swooned....fallen. Hard. SPLAT!!!

I am sprung over Chance. Not crushing, not kind of feeling him, not maybe intetrested. I have never ever felt this way about a boy before. I mean, sure, I have been around the block, crushed, stalked, plotted, kissed, hooked up, dreamt about, and even chased after boys but nothing like this.

I realized it yesterday. I miss him when he is not here at the show, him laughing and smiles and just find myself looking forward to seeing him. And I thought that was all until 8 o'clock yesterday--time of death. Chance came out of the nap room, all matted hair and sleepy eyes, carrying his shoes and with a creaky cracking voice and a slow small smile. He said "good morning" and for some reason my heart just stopped. Stopped and all I could think was--

"you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen."

And it's not about hotness and it's not about sex or long leggs or tight abs. It's about a smaile that lights up a room, it's about how jovial he is, his love for music, his little mowhawk and ever changing hair color. It is how he not only talks to me, he explains things and I hear every word.

The scary part is when I knew, really knew that I was in deep. Butterflies in the stomach, just giddy, laughing and cracked out. I can't handle the pressure of just wanting to kiss him, hold his hand. To see in him the morning away from here. I was glowing last night as I thought of him--Naomi thought I was drunk but I was just in--something.

And i know it is not love. It can't be. We haven't had a date or a moment not about here. He lives too far away. We are working togther. He has his music. I have my friends. We have different places to be. We don't know enough and yet it seems we know a lot. We spend all these moments, especially on the overnights, just talking, learning and going somewhere more than just here.

And I am not this guy. I don't gush, I don't crush, I don't go all "Sweet Valley High". I'm a gamer, into strat, I see what I want and I go after it. Nick, Smythe, Emilio, Dawson, every boy has been a game. I chase them and I plot and I get them to want just because I can--maybe not for the long haul but just long enough. I have never felt so unworthy of a boy, so scared and so sure at the same time. And there is part of me, the old me that says this is stupid. You don't get sprung or hung up like this. He is just a boy.

But then a part of me, the part I never listen to but I always want to believe says that maybe this more. Maybe this is faith or a movement or maybe even something different. Maybe this is a chance. Maybe i have to try and see wher it goes and how far i can get. To try and maybe I will fail but at least I will know. But maybe I don't want to know. Maybe I might not be enough.

Someone call Dr. Quinn; I might need treatment,