Thursday Truths: I'm Greedy
Anyone who knows me well knows that I can get really stressed out about small things--whether I mailed a check out at the exact right time for it to clear, what I should be wearing (or worse--what my husband should be wearing), the proper way to clean the kitchen... And when I get stressed out I become someone very different--angry or upset and unable to function... Unfortunately Johnno is the one who has to try and defuse this and one night he asked the million dollar question
"Your life isn't that bad--why do you have to get so stressed out..."
There is a part of me that has always written it off as being control issues left over my childhood--but honestly those issues have a self life.... No kid has control over things and while my parents were pretty awful about each other--which effected me and the brother by default--I have been kicking ass and taking names for quite a while as an adult....
Signs you're doing better than you think you are
(This is a really random and yet good read)
The truth is I am greedy--I honestly want so much because I am willing to do so much to get.... I have had a daily commute through skid row as a job, I have starved my self to pay rent, I'm willing to be the first one help out and the last one to clean up, I'm loyal to my friends and kind to strangers... So when I feel like I am being denied something for reasons beyond my control I dont deal very well...
And when you want everything--you are bound to get disappointed.
I want to take my husband to Paris, work out and write and paint and blog, see all of my friends all of the time, read a million books during my life, see Diana Ross in concert, make a million guys get crushes on me, follow a band around the country for a year, touch the Great Pyramids of Egypt and ice skate in Moscow while holding Johnno's hand... I'm willing to try and do the work to make these things happen--but I always worry about the time, the details and the effort....
I need to get more Buddah and less bougie.
But there is another part of me that sees this as why I push so hard, why I am driven, what makes me run... That without that greed I would be content to just sit around, not do anything with my time, be stuck in place--all while knowing life is short so you have to get with it.
So while I have to balance out how I am deal with this ambition--I also want to own my greed because it does have value. Knowing what you want and being willing to fight for it is something to actually be proud of.