Sunday, March 28, 2010

Week of the Weak

So this past week I fell apart. I did all the things I thought had given up or changed-all the behavior I finally let go off and learned to stop engaging was back in a major way. I learned.

A lot.

I wallowed in carb foods that I didn't even want, smoked a pack of cigarettes in the course of two days, let myself mope and stew and break apart at the seams over simple things. Have to say that I am severly disappointed in myself because I felt for the first time in my LIFE I had tehse things under control.

And not in that normal way

The way that we all get when we're trying so hard to become something else that all we do is stare at the cookie on our friend's plate when we're on the diet, the way we say we cn hang outside with the smoker's cause we only want to smell the nicotine, the way we say we're over slights before real and imagined because we are just going to ignore the issues at hand

Because none of these things work.

But what I was doing was the opposite-the cookie wasn't even on my radar when it came to food, i wasn't stomping around while I shook off my nic fit, I wasn't concerned what anyone else thought. I was growing and changing and making myself into something more and better. But I let other people and things derail me, I allowed my self worth to become about everyone else but me and in the end that lead to nothing more than another excuse to be bad to msyelf.

I'm done with that.

So I will spend tomorrow putting all the pieces back together. I will use my considerable strength, talent, wit and grit to pull myself back into shape. I'm amazing when I want to be so I just need to get back on track.

Awesome is a lot of work.

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