Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Building A Hope Chest

I spend a lot of days lately looking at things--not the usual potpourri of videos and fashions, wikipedia and style blogs but of furniture stores and art prints. I find my imagination runs to redecorating the Dollhouse, to building new rooms in my head for all of the space Johhno and I will create. I buy chairs off Apartment Therapy, make wish lists on Art.com, and collect paint samples to be used later when I make my next move.

The big move

I am nesting in advance. I am suddenly entrenched within all these idea about the future and who I want and how I want it. I'm not about to throw the present day over but I can't help but be fixated on a point down the line. It puts everything in perspective like when you use that spot on the wall to keep yourself centered in tree pose. Just a place for your eyes to rest while your body does the work.

Breathe in. Breathe out

But this has also made me start to wonder about what I am willing to carry on my back going forward. It has made me reconsider what I am worth, what I am willing to take, who I am willing to bend for-it's become a short list. because for the first time I feel like I have found my self worth, I know what I am deserving of, I know what I am willing to make or break myself over. I know my value.

It's not because I landed a man either.

But it is because how Johnno makes me feel. He doesn't complete me, he doesn't fill some gaping hole of need, my life isn't any better or worse because of him. But the fact that someone like Johnno can look beyond the rough stuff-the awkwardness, the moodiness, the perfectionism,--it makes me realize that I am better than I thought. That for the first time in my life-including my family, my past in LA and beyond-I feel like I can just be myself without being worried. That the ffact that someone so good, so kind, so funny and so amazing can love me of all people must mean something is worthwhile.

So maybe it is a bit about the boy.

Knowing I have him in my corner makes things so much clearer. I am less willing to deal with people shit, I am less willing to be 2nd place with anyone, I shouldn't be chasing after anyone for love or friendship or time, because I am worth so much more. I am seeing how much I have bent or pretended, made allowances when I should have made my exit, how hungry I was for things and people that didn't care nearly one fifth as much as did.

This isn't true of everyone or everything but it is more a part of my life than I want.

So now I am learning that I have to stop myself. I am better than wasting time or energy chasing things and people that don't really want me for certain. That I am more valuable to myself when I am with people who want me there, doing things that I want to do then spending myself with uncertain people or situations. By knowing where I am going makes it much harder to take unnecessary shortcuts.

I finally get it.

But what does this mean? How does this all tie together? I think it is understanding that I am moving forward-mentally at the moment, physically in the future-that makes me sudden reassess what's worth keeping with me. I don't know where everything and everyone will end up but i do now that it won't be everything.

The hope chest isn't big enough for things I don't need.

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