Monday, March 08, 2010

6(7-1)+ Y = Exe?

I actually dread writing this. I don't mean to be overly dramatic or make a big deal; if anything I want the exact opposite. But it's getting to the point that not writing about this development seems more like an excuse for failure down the road.

I guess I am making it dramatic.

I quit smoking. Again. Not on purpose. After an uncountable number of times before.

The only difference was is that I didn't plan on quitting. It was the Sunday after Johnno's birthday party-we had just said good night and he drove into the rain from where i stood on the curb. I debate heading down to 7/11 to buy another pack of cigarettes but realized I was tired and too wet already. So I decided that just wouldn't smoke the next day and see how far I could. I packed my patches and gum into my workbag and half heartly through out my "last" cigarette pack.

What happened next is what surprised me.

I spent the next day without a craving. Not because I put on a nicotine patch to mask the symptons, not because I stuffed myself with coffeee and food to get over my oral fixation, I didn't spend the day naping either. I just forgot about smoking--no linger stares at the other smokers, no bitch moments, no mantras. I just didn't remember that I smoked.

This went on two weeks.

Around this point I was a bit weirded out. While I hadn't told anyone waht I was doing, a handful of people figured it out and I begged innocence. I was worried if I made a big deal bout it then when I fell off the wagon it would be another strike against me. I also knew that I would be cheating that day. Because I always smoke on that one day

Super Bowl Sunday

It's the nerves from the large groups. It is from the boredom that I sometimes get watching football. It's a way to ecaspe from drama and things I would rather not do but without being rude. Because most everyone excuses a smoker. The only complication was that Johnno knew what I was up to and we discussed how to handle it. I told him to stop me if I smoked and he was willing. I just ran circles around him instaed.

Which is not cool.

But the next day-waking up and feeling so grosss. Knowing that I guilted Johnno into letting me make bad choices. The sadness of knowing how well I had been doing. It made me sit back and think about what i really wanted. I wanted to quit-not because I was told to by doctors, or that I wanted to be more attractive to meet people, or because my friends were all doing it. I did it because the future I wanted for myself has changed.

I want to be better in the long run.

And since then it has been another 4 plus weeks with no smoking. No crazy cravings, no stalking smokers to get the smell or a drag, no need for patches or gum. I just don't want any of that habit anymore.

That and Nolan quit like a year ago and I am so better at giving up things than he is.

1 comment:

StephanieM said...

This is awesome!