Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Adult Moments with Rory

"Some love stories are short. But they are love stories all the same"
Lea Thompson on 'Greek'

So awhile back I wrote a long sloppy entry about how being with Johnno made me realize what I wanted in a relationship and how it made me see the flaws in my other relationships. or rather, finally put to words the way I knew the other relationships wouldn't last. I tried my best to be fair about what I thought and felt

I guess I fucked up

See Samuel and I still talk-somehow we went from a really bad breakup to a reasonable phone friendship-more so in light of how bad things got at the end. And it wasn't my intention to throw him under a bus or hurt his feelings

It's amazing what I can do without trying.

He emailed me shortly after the original posting and was rough on me but he had a point about how it could be read that I was being disrespectful to him. I was surprsied at how much the idea of hurting him affected me and after a long phone call we worked out all the kinks in our miscomunication and misunderstandings--he got what I was going for and I got what he needed to hear from me.

In the last few weeks I have been in a very balck or white mindset--you are either with me or against me, you are either my friend or a stranger, you either respect me fully or not at all... This extreme mindset put me thorugh a couple levels of hell and without the help of a handful of people I'm not sure what I would have done if let to my means. But this did help me realize something.

I'm not a open or fairminded as I would like to believe

While I think I'm not quick to make snap judgements-one of my biggest flaws is my ability to overthinking and navel gaze-once I decide something it stays decided. There are things are do not forgive or things that, once they end, use any value that they had in the first place. The few friendships I have walked away from in my life become 'fucked up dymanics' in the end and all memories and value are wiped clean. When my heart has been truly broken, the exe becomes someone who could have never loved me in the first place because they did then A, B, or C would have never happened. When things don't go my way-they become worthless

I have since started to realize that none of this is true. At the end of the day-a table is still a table, a memory's value is based on the time it captured-not in events before or after, and that just because the love didn't work out doesn't mean it was any less than real and felt in the moment.

In short?

I'm sorry Samuel. I never meant to hurt you.

1 comment:

manwe_iluvendil said...

I know you didn't. And I take full responsibility for the unleashing of my self-righteous fury. It's the Scorpio in me, without a doubt.

All the same, I appreciate this post. You didn't have to put it up for us to be perfectly fine after our conversation, and I know you knew that, and the fact that you did it anyway just shows how stand-up a guy you are.

Now, call me soon. We so have to talk about Melrose. WHAT are they doing to Amanda?