Pushed More than Pulled.

It's been a hard week or so for me. It is no particular thing, no easy to blame drama or tactile event. I have just been out of sorts and burning myself alive with doubt and unease. I'm not sure where these feelings have come from or how to handle them but I know i have to figure something out, some way of control myself because it is not making me happy. It's like I am somehow afraid and uncontrolable.

And I have been all over the place. One minute I am having a grand time out for Edward's birthday between drinks and dancing and laughing but then next day I am all on edge because I am not on my way to Costo. I feel this strange lack of control and it scares me because it is my most fatal flaw--that feeling at loose ends and a victim of circumstance is the deepest most heartfelt fear of mine.

And it is holding me in place--it keeps me from working on my writing, makes me edgy and off-kilter with the boyfriend, makes me feel frozen in place with everything even when I know what I want. That I want to connect to people, that I want to have a real date with the boyfriend and not hang around the house all day, be someone who when people ask about me I can say interesting things because I have done them.

I want to feel like things are under my control, to be someone who makes things happen instead of feeling like someone who has things happen to him. I want a life and well-rounded because I am pushing myself and not being pushed.

But how to make this happen?

Mystery Solved

Thanks internets!

We Are the World Lyrics

There comes a time when we heed a certain call (Lionel Richie)
When the world must come together as one (Lionel Richie & Stevie Wonder)
There are people dying (Stevie Wonder)
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to life (Paul Simon)
The greatest gift of all (Paul Simon/Kenny Rogers)

We can't go on pretending day by day (Kenny Rogers)
That someone, somehow will soon make a change (James Ingram)
We're all a part of God's great big family (Tina Turner)
And the truth (Billy Joel)
You know love is all we need (Tina Turner/Billy Joel)

( CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Michael Jackson)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Diana Ross)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Michael Jackson/Diana Ross)

Well, send'em you your heart so they know that someone cares (Dionne Warwick)
And their lives will be stronger and free (Dionne Warwick/Willie Nelson)
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread (Willie Nelson)
And so we all must lend a helping hand (Al Jurreau)

( REPEAT CHORUS )
We are the world, we are the children (Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let's start giving (Kenny Logins)
There's a choice we're making we're saving our own lives (Steve Perry)
It's true we'll make a better day just you and me (Daryl Hall)

When you're down and out there seems no hope at all (Michael Jackson)
But if you just believe there's no way we can fall (Huey Lewis)
Well, well, well, let's realize that a change can only come (Cyndi Lauper)
When we (Kim Carnes)
stand together as one (Kim Carnes/Cyndi Lauper/Huey Lewis)

(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )

(additional ad-lib vox by Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Bruce Springsteen, James Ingram)

Mad Men and Seasame Street Equals Amazing

I Am SO EXCITED



Who else is with me?

Remember My What?

So Kirby, Wynona, Johnno and I went and saw the remake of 'Fame' this past weekend. WIthout giving away too much of the plot, I would have to say that your time and money would be better spent on buying and rewatching your own copy of the original film. There's nothing hugely wrong with it--the cast is mostly okay (I love the actress who played Joy! But the actor who played MArco couldn't be less effective), the directing is pretty much by the numbers (Nothing super exciting but nothing god awful) and the dancing is impressively done (Which speaks to having a former 'So You Think You Can Dance' star in the cast) but the story is so lacking any bite, any heat, any energy of the original.

Now I knew that this would not be as strong as the first film with it's PG rating (The original was rated R) but I was suprised at how weak and disconnected it was. Between obvious plot points with certain characters, another character being sued shamefully because the film makers didn't know how to handle his character and a story so dismantled you didn't even know who half the characters were at points--just a total failure. (The best part is at the end when they flashed up a cast memeber and NONE of the people I was with remembered her having a character in the film!)

At the end--this Fame is not worth remembering, Debbie Allen has only TWO scenes in the whole film and your time could be better spent watching clips on You Tube instead.

But Kelsey, Megan, Bibi and Charles each have great moments in the film. But that is because they are actors who can overcome bad material.

22 is An Odd Number

22 pounds. I have lost that much since starting the diet back on July 5th. It doesn't really feel like that much between my face feeling fat but I think it is an age thing then a fat thing--I don't know. But things fit different, I have to be careful when I order things on line because they don't fit (too big), I put on things that I wear all the time but now look better than ever. It is good.

And the boyfriend has done even better than me--he has lost notciable weight in the face and has gone down a level in the Wii Fit weight scale. We both still talk about food we miss but somehow we both push each other along. It helps that we now have the meal plan on lockdown. (Step one? Don't call it a diet) I have become used to cooking my meals and maing recipes (!!!), making sure I eat enough of the better things and listening to when my body is hungry and feed it right then. I feel like I am getting better.

But I still feel like I have a long way to go. I have to rebalance my workouts now that I no longer have the BB gym, work on my sleeping schedule and remember to walk everyday for at least 45 minutes. This only works if I can keep up the effort and remind myself what it is all good for.

To beat that damn Wii Fit more than anything.

Back to the Regular Scheduled Rory

So I have been wrapping up loose ends and this one fell completely off the screen. Between ending Big Brother, going to the wrap party (Unoffical) for Big Brother, a dinner for the 15th anniverary of 7th Floor Charlesgate, Jewish New Year's bar night and a slew of boring personal things I have finally been able to get myself all caught up.

I dealt with termites in the apartment, a broken dishwasher, a broken internet, a plumbing issue, a credit fraud issue and finished closing out all my paid off credits cards. I have made overdue phone calls, sent well expired thank you cards for gifts and birthday cheer and even managed to upgrade my itunes AGAIN.

These are all the reasons I have not been here. But I is back and will continue to better for the foreseeable future.

Music Whore

I love this song. Like I hum it all the time when I am not aware and people always call me out on it all the time.

Christmas Lights

I feel like I have been surrounded by Christmas lights--pretty colors, flattering lighting and a more than slight distraction. It might be with the show ending or just the general ennui of life changes but I find myself out of sorts. It's not that I am not doing what I want or how I want it but more that I don't really know the answer to the question.

For so long I have been so sure but as of late I have been less than hundred percent when it comes to going and getting what I want. It is mostly because I just don't know what it is--and it bothers me. I have always felt that to be happy you have to be going after things with passion, with gusto, and balls to the wall.

But right now I am not sure what that is for me. It is very jarring to feel a bit useless and uncertain after all this time--I mean, I have a great place, good friends, an amazing boyfriend but I still feel like I am somehow without a paddle.

I am even using boring turns of of phrase. I don't know

It Is Whatever You Want It to Be

I have been a bit bored lately--the show is wrapping up, lots of parties that seem to blur into one and another after a certain point and am just going through the day to day of the diet and working out and avoiding the heat. It is as exciting as it sounds. But all that being said, i kind of can't wait to be unemployed again.

I mean it will be all about working on the book (with notes from the boys), coffee with the kids during the week, working out more than twice a day, making time for wine with friends who have office hours and cleaning out y closet between bouts of calls with my mom and various others on the to call list.

But I am looking for things to get excited about. New music? Books to read? Anything that is not tv?

suggestions and stuff....

This is Why I Love Him

Now I don't like to get gifts for my birthday--I would rather live things with my friends then get things from my friends--but the boyfriend is still rather new to the game so I had to let his gifting go because he meant well.

Now on my actual birthday he gave me a nice bottle of scent; one that I actually love and hadn't replaced recently just because I kept forgetting. I was happy with the gesture and figured that would be the end of it. So I was a bit surprised, and embarrassed, when at the bar I found that he had more gifts for me. That being said, I always seem to not remember how much he does get me and my sense of humor.

Why? Because for my gift Johnno gave me a bedazzled (by hand) yamaka as a nod to my past when I was thought to be a Jew at my old job. He then followed this up with the prayer list that I would need for my Bar Mitzvah as well as a copy of Jewish Time for me to read. This really cracked up Joy because he actually spelt out my name in Hebrew on the yamaka in brightly colored beads. It was a good gift but then he really surprised me with a group gift that he came up with on the fly.

Back when we were first chatting on-line, flirting in circles and sharing stories, we had a long talk about how we both had played a lot of truth or dare Jenga back in college. (If you are unfamiliar with this game--it is simply taking a Jenga game and writing various truth or dares on the induvidual pieces. It can be quite fun). So imagine my surprise when I opened a new boxed verison of Jenga--but the actual game had already been opened. I was pleased but confused

Johnno then explained that he had spent the better part of the night at the bar getting all my various guests to make up their own true or dares for the game and even tried to get Edie to text one back from Hastings. It was really cool gift and I was touched to have something that everyone had been apart of. When the boy gets it right, he really gets it right.



PS The best dare in the game "Create a video game based off your favorite literary character, get said game devolped in foreign countries in a bid to be famous." I almost fell of my sit laughing at that one.

PSS I also feel bad for whomever sits to the left of anyone when playing this game--they will end up with licked faces and lap dances. Good times.

Obviously I Love Rock and Roll

So last night the gang and I went out for drinks for my birthday. Now it is a long established fact that I do not like birthday parties--but the boyfriend is new to this and teamed up with a couple of the girls (Valeska and Kelly at first) to pull together something to celebrate. Once I caught wind of this, I threw myself into the mix since I am a fan of controlling my own destiny when it comes to such things.

We ended up at a new (to me) bar called El Bar in Universal/Studio City, located where we had celebrated Dominic's 30th a bit back when it was the Casting Office. Kelly had been there for happy hour a few times and tried to explain the decor as dark with Bull Head on the wall and a topless Freida Kahlo print. I thought it sounded kitschy (spl?) so I was down for the count.

Imagine my surprise when about 2 minutes into the place and I realized it was meant to be a bullfighter/Spanish themed bar. It was empty (a good thing for a party) and nice with lots of room and I headed over to the jukebook that Kelly had spoken highly of. I ended up spending the first 30 minutes of the night not with Kelly or Johnny or the boyfriend but in the corner playing with the music.

Now here's the thing--I love music and I really love taking control of the mix for a party. I managed to somehow spend 25 dollars in said jukebox, pretty much loading it for bear, but had a bit of a struggle. The selection at any bar is always hapzard--you have the standard great hits artists like Journey, AC/DC, Areosmith, Beatles--then you have the 'cds that make the theme of the bar' which was Gyspy Kings, Los Lobos and Bueno Vista Social Club but also lots of hipster bands like Girl Talk, Editors, Cold War Kids and obscure albums by The Killers, Franz Fernidad, and Jet. And there is always the random CD.

For some reason every bar seems to have that one selection that makes absolutely no sense...one you just look at in utter surprise. Maybe it is the soundtrack to a random movie or a hip hop compilation but it is the answer to one of these things is not like the other.In the case of El Bar, it was the new Black Eyed Peas album which also cemmented my theory as to their career and popularity-somehow they just sneak in. But in an effort to be current, as this was the only pop album in the whole jukebox, I did make a single selection. (Little did I know this would come back to haunt me after watching a drunken wanna-be starlet grind the doorway by our table)

But it was nice to pretty much own the music that night. Between James Brown, Tom Petty, Dr. Dre and tons of Blondie I think it was money well spent. Even 'Boom Boom Pow' was worth it in the end.

Quote of the Day

Johnno regarding his over the top birthday gift/joke for me.

"It would be cool if you kept it but I don't want to be the boyfriend who gives you crap..."

HA!

Boho Homo

The other day I was cleaning up my room when i stumbled across my copy of 'The Bohemian Manifesto' laying on the floor by my nightstand. I had started rereading the book a few weeks back when I was starting to get bored with everything in my life--not that I don't love everything about it but I have recently felt like life is just one big lather, rinse, repeat.

The thing is I always wished I was someone who was more exciting--one of those people who ends up at a different bar every weekend, takes road trips to out of the way places just because, spends one day camping and another camping it up over cocktails in West Hollywood. I want to spend my free time painting (though I never have), run around in crazy hats and weird outfits (Anything like that has been unintentional), to just jump on a plane at a moment's notice or end up at the underground scene by pure chance.

It's not that i don't love everything about my life-my dinners with the boy, hanging out with my friends, days sleeping in and night spent on the couch or in a backyard but there is a part of me that always thought my life would be much much more. I want stories that top Jaq's, to make Edie jealous with all the details, to be someone who's every story end and begins with something shocking. But somehow I also know that I am too cautious, too practical and too self aware to really be that person.

So instead i read about people who do those things and imagine what it could be like if it was me. Maybe someday i will even try.

A To Do List

- Finish figuring out which bills I would like to have paid off by end of summer.

- Find a new credit card for a good rate. (I might talk to Raquel about this.)

- Continue to work out my workout scheudle so I don't lose my slight ab defition.

- Talk to my mom about which American Girl Doll to buy for my sister

- Finally decide one way or another about that bench from Urban Outfitters

- Start approaching people for leads for my next job. (In terms of figuring out who I can comfortably approach for work)

- Make time to see Charity, email Lucy and get on the phone with Naomi

- Clean out some dead weight from my closet.

- Destress.

The Problem With Perfection

I am a perfectionist. I'm not sure where this trait comes from; whether it is a leftover from my childhood and the need to feel settled or just some natural desire I ahve always had for order. I make my bed everyday (give or take a day), my clothes are organized by color and function, and each night when I get off of work I repack my backpack and pick the next day's outfit while settling up breakfast and the coffee maker as I brush my teeth. It's just something I do.

But as of late, I have found myself growing frustrated more than needed when I can't get everything I want done. Whether it is my two workouts per day, setting aside my vitamins, or even getting to see everyone when I want and on time. I'm not really sure what needs to be adjusted at this point or how to let go of my need for control. Because that is really what is at stake, my need to feel like I can have, do, and make it all go exactly the way that I want. And when it doesn't I become this person I don't particular like to be around, muchless force on others.

Suggestions?

Moments with Rory

This is Where I work and the type of geeks I work with....



This is the screen on the printer at ,y desk....the geeks reprogrammed the screen to have lines from the '84' show up as a joke about BB. If only they put as much thought into there jobs....

Imperfect and Immortal

'Sixteen Candles' is one of my favorite films of all time. There is something about the character of Samantha that, for me, seems to encompasses so much of what to means to be a teenager; from the insecurity to the crushes to the jealousy. I am not saying it is a perfect film-in retrospect the entire Long Duck Dong plot is pretty damn offensive--but it is one of the best balanced teen films of all time.

I guess what I love about this film, and all of John Hughes films, is that he really seemed to understand how to write teenagers more than any group. He not only understood how they talk but how they socialize, how they want to be themselves but also what a struggle it was to get there. Most of all, he believed in their internal life.

How it was important it was to be accepted, to be kissed, to get drunk, to prove yourself to your peers, to try and be your own person, to survive a day at school, survive living with your own family but most importantly to be seen for more than just a child, more than just a stereotype, more than just a kid living in an adult world. It is something that almost anyone can relate to and what keeps his films with us, bought and viewed, quoted and loved.

Thank you

Six Months and Six Days

So me and the boy just celebrated our six month anniversary. It feels a bit strange (though it is stranger to know that Nolan and I have our anniversaries exactly 3 months apart) to know that somehow that I have not felt the six months at all. I mean, I know that Johnno and I have been together forever but it doesn't feel like forever.

Normally at this point I would start to be bored or get concerned about the cracks that would be starting to show in the relationship. Instead I find myself having long conversations with Johnno that I never had with any other boy--about money and families and careers--and we do things that I normal don't want to do--like learning how to cook and spending nights on the couch with wine and vodka. And I am fine with it.

If I am truthful, I am more than fine with where we are at in our relationship. I am more than fine with all the ways we work ourselves together from the sex and the conversation and the meals and sleeping. He makes me happier than I thought i could be and in ways I never knew I wanted. It is special in so many ways and unique in many others.

Cover Girl Is Not Just Make up

I am so excited about the G. I. Joe film. This is surprising to most people who know me but growing up I was really into the entire G. I. Joe franchise. Between my brother and I we had most of the toys from both sides of the story and my parents were really good about balance. Like if I had the Duke action figure my parents would give my brother Snake Eyes, if he got Destro then I would get the Baroness so that things stayed equal.

And this applied for all the toys we had as kids whether it be Transformers (I had Optimos Prime and he had Megatron) or He Man (I had He Man and Teela while my brother had Skelator and Evilynn) which made buying any gift easy because all you had to do was balance things out with an equal number of important toys. I guess that would be the easiest part of having two boys less then a year apart because we were almost guarenteed to have the same taste in the same things.

That being said-what I am most annoyed but excited by with this film is that one of the main characters is one of the few action figures my brother and I were never had. But i am pretty sure they fucked with the origin of that character so I might be unhappy but until then I will watch this trailer again and again

Sometimes, Most Times, It is Just You

So Johnno's parents were coming to town. he explained this to me a few months back-before I had a settled schedule for BB and a possible excuse to not have to meet them. I had been dodging any attempt to make concrete plans for the simple reason that I didn't really want to meet his parents. In general I don't like parents.

And this just doesn't just apply to boyfriends' parents but most any parents from roommates to friends to random co-workers. For some reason that sheer ideal of parental units makes me uncomfortable. I'm sure it has something to do with my own parental relationships-a combination of selfishness and independence, love and indifference,mixed emotions--but I'd like to think that it is not just me projecting my own issues on Johnno's family.

I think it has more to do with being the 'gay' boyfriend. Because whether or not we like to admit it, a huge part of what people think when they hear gay is they think sex. Not kissing or hand holding, not slow dancing or weddings, but weird, different, strange, unexpected sex in ways that makes some people uncomfortable. I don't know if this is true for most straight people but when I meet couples or hear about dating or find out someone's sexuality I don't normally picture them in bed--or maybe everyone does.

And when you add the parent angle into the situtation then everything become even more awkward. No one wants to picture their children having sex or think about their sex life or anything like that--we go from being little things they protect from the world to one day opening ourselves up to the world--it is hard transition at best. But when you add the gay factor it forces people to not only think about their children's sex life because it is that sex... the GAY sex... So you can imagine that even in a good situatution it is still a little weird.

And it didn't help that Johnno told me that his family had a bit of a hard adjustment to his coming out. Nothing crazy with fights or screaming, no one was disowned, but it was a bit of a rough process and one that really took, and still takes, time and effort with his family. I don't really have this problem mostly because my coming out had more to do with a million other cracks in my family besides the gay crack so I had little experience with how to figure out how to navigate the scenario.

Which is I was trying so hard to deflect the entire event.

It wasn't until late one night when Johnno and I were off to bed and he finally told me that he wanted me to go, that it was important to him, that given how serious we were that I had to go. I felt like that episode of 'Sex in The City' when Adrian's parents come town and Carrie tries to dodge the bullet and she ended up saying she didn't do with parents and Adrian is disappointed and lets her off the hook but at the end Carrie sucks it up and goes which works out for both Adrian and Carrie.... And I knew how the story has to work out but I was fighting against and in the end I realized I had to give in.

And it ended up being fine because most of what was holding me back was in the my head and not there at the table between courses of Italy food. I made jokes and conversations, played up my good qualities with bangs down and button up shirts and managed to not drink my way through the whole meal. It had some bumps and silences and moments where it felt me and Johnno against the world but at the end of the day it was fine and passable and worth it for me to try.

And as we said goodbye on the curb, I realized that I had over thought things, and that Johnno had over informed me, but that at the end of the day it was just a meal and just people meeting and that anything more than that was on me. That sometimes I am the crazy in the room....that maybe it is juts me

Moments with Rory



Here is a close up of the scary demon statue I walk by every morning. When I come off the late night, this is the most surreal thing to be lit up at night. Terrifying.

Flash Mobs and Other Tributes

So I never really wrote about Michale Jackson's death. I wasn't really sure how--when someone like that dies it raises all sorts of emotions that don't seem fair to share. I didn't know him, I didn't ever meet him, I was just a face in an unseen crowd.

But his music was something that was pivotal in my life. Whether it was as the Jackson Five, Michael pre 'Thriller' or Michael post 'Smooth Criminal' each period had songs that helped define my life. From 'P.Y.T.' to 'Can You Feel' to 'The Love You Save'--each song is a part of my existance, my memory, my past. And even though his life was a tragic, uncertain, and questionable mess it doesn't distract from the art he made.

And on the day he died I cried. I cried when Chloe first called me about Michael going to the hospital, when CNN confirmed his death, when the first clips aired of him as a child singing and all thorugh VH1's video marathon. I was lucky enough to be able to be with Edie and Valeska when his star of the Walk of Fame was revealed.



It was surreal to be among the various people in Hollywood as we listened to his music, danced along Hollywood Boulverade and help carry all the candles, flowers, cards and art that was made in honor of his life. When someone that huge dies it becomes a common moment for strangers and friends, co-workers and family, countries and neighborhoods. Bceause at the end of the day, music like his becomes a soundtrack to our lives whether as the soundtrack or just background noise. Words we know, dances we have seen and things we all shared as part of the cultural tapestry.

But what really pushed me to finally put down words regarding Michael Jackson was this weekend. My friends Cullen, Kelly, Valeska and Scarlett all headed downtown to be a part of a flashmob in honor of the popstar. Even though I was on the nightshift, with only 5 hours of sleep, I headed down to watch and document the whole moment from rehearsal to performance.

It took place this past Saturday in the heart of Hollywood and Highland aka the Oscar complex. One hundred and fifty people of all types who teamed up to, for a moment in time, take over a public place to recreate the dance steps that made 'Beat It' famous. And while I couldn't dance, I was lucky enough to be able to watch live as my friends were apart of a very loving tribute.





If you look at the bottom corners you can see Kelly in her white shirt with blue jeans as well as Cullen in his red cap and white t-shirt. The others are sprinkled around them as they owned the made the dance their own.

I am amazed at this tribute and think it is proper homage to Michael Jackson--someone who made me dance.

Moments With Rory

This is me




This is me mailing in the last payment to one of my four credit cards. This is the second card I have paid off in full since the last three weeks. It is so exciting to think I will be debt free (Sans student loans) by the end of this year.

Really exciting

Food Diary

So here is what was ate today



This was breakfast



This was lunch



This was snack



And this was dinner.

I am still kind of unsure about portion sizes but did seem to lose 5 pounds over 9 days so....maybe I am on the right track? Though I am concerned that my ab defintion seems to be going away and am worried that maybe I am working out too much and that my body is eating muscl over fat. Le sigh

Moments With Rory



This what I see everyday on my walk to work. Two very scary statues in the front yard of a very scary looking house and when you walk by late at night and half asleep--it is god awful. And the owner if is outside it is even scarier.

Food Diary

Here was ate today.... I am hoping for comments about my portion sizes.




Here is breakfast



Lunch




Snack



Dinner


Comment away

Frustrations

So I have been a bit annoyed with my body as of late. See I am doing this carb free/sugar free meal plan (not a diet) for the last few weeks and have yet to really see any difference in my body. I just don't feel like much has changed and if anything I feel a bit heavy then before I started the plan though I am not sure why.

There is part of me that says this could have something to do with the fact that I normally don't really eat that many carbs so I am not really cutting much out. It have something to do with the fact I am working out and possibly not eating enough causing my body to go into stravation mode or it could be that I am somehow eating too much which seems impossible but I don't know

And I hate that I am so overly concerned about all of this but I can see what few abdominal lines I have seem to be fading and I feel like my belly has become bigger for no real reason. And I am not sure if this is my own paranoia (Johnno swears he can tell I lost weight) or if I am somehow having this meal plan backfire on me.


So I have come up some plan of action but I am not sure really what it might be.

This Makes Me Happy--Which Might Make Me Shitty

I know, I know

By Ylan Q. Mui
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, July 16, 2009

Crocs were born of the economic boom.

The colorful foam clogs appeared in 2002, just as the country was recovering from a recession. Brash and bright, they were a cheap investment (about $30) that felt good and promised to last forever. Former president George W. Bush wore them. Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler wore them. Your grandma wore them. They roared along with the economy, mocked by the fashion world but selling 100 million pairs in seven years.

Then the boom times went bust, and Crocs went to the back of the closet.

The company had expanded to meet demand, but financially pressed customers cut back. Last year the company lost $185.1 million, slashed roughly 2,000 jobs and scrambled to find money to pay down millions in debt. Now it's stuck with a surplus of shoes, and its auditors have wondered if it can stay afloat. It has until the end of September to pay off its debt.

"The company's toast," said Damon Vickers, who manages an investment fund at Nine Points Capital Partners in Seattle. "They're zombie-ish. They're dead and they don't know it."

Two summers ago, Nancy Fisher of the District bought two pairs of Crocs, one green and one pink, for her daughters. The girls, now 8 and 12, wore them constantly and even got charms to decorate the tops. This year, the shoes are forgotten.

"They were their go-to," Fisher said, "and now they're just really interested in flip-flops."

The story of Crocs mirrors the country's tale of economic expansion and contraction. At the height of the real estate market, in 2006, the company sold shares to the public, raising more than $200 million in the biggest stock offering in shoe history. It ramped up manufacturing to keep up with demand, only to then find that shoppers were snapping their wallets shut.

Rachel Weingarten, a trend and marketing expert, has relegated Crocs to the wasteland of the comfort-shoe aisle. Maybe in a decade nostalgia will set in, said Weingarten, author of "Career and Corporate Cool." Then a pair of hot-pink Crocs dug from the back of the closet might inspire misty-eyed memories: "Remember when we had ugly, Flintstone-looking feet?"

Crocs not only had a look, they had a story. In 2002, three longtime friends from Boulder, Colo., got hold of technology developed in a Canadian laboratory in 1999 that created a lightweight, antimicrobial foam. They called it Croslite and molded it into a boating and water-sports shoe they named "Beach."

The shoes quickly developed a following among landlubbers as well. Gardeners touted their stability, runners enjoyed their light feel, and the chairman of the company's board wore them with his tuxedo.

The company used money from its public stock offering to diversify and acquire new businesses, such as Jibbitz, which makes charms designed to fit Crocs' ventilating holes, and Fury Hockey, which used Croslite to make sports gear. It built manufacturing plants in Mexico and China, operated distribution centers in the Netherlands and Japan, and forged into the global marketplace. More than half of Crocs were sold outside the United States.

Then, chief executive John Duerden wrote in an e-mail: "the industry was taken by surprise by the severity of the downturn. It affected us more than most because the brand had been gearing up for a continuation of the extraordinary growth in the prior years."

But the shoes were hitting a saturation point; the problem with a nearly indestructible product is that shoppers rarely need to replace it.

A foray into Croslite clothing in 2007 fell flat and was quickly scaled back. The company liquidated Fury Hockey last year.

"They had added a huge amount of infrastructure to meet this demand going forward," said Jeff Mintz, an analyst with Wedbush. "Demand fell off, and they had way too much capacity and way too much supply of product."

Who needs a second pair of Crocs in a recession, particularly when the first pair is holding up just fine?

The company swung from a profit of $168.2 million in fiscal year 2007 to a loss of $185.1 million last year. In its annual report, Crocs said that an independent auditor expressed concerns about "conditions that raise substantial doubt about our ability to continue." Its stock price has plummeted 76 percent.

Five months ago, the company announced that it was replacing chief executive Ron Snyder, who went to college with the company's founders, with Duerden, an industry veteran who ran a consulting firm focused on brand renewal. Duerden believes there is life yet in Crocs and plans to market them to caterers, medical workers and people with foot problems. Actor George Clooney has promised to work with the company, Duerden told analysts. Maybe he could wear a red pair.

"The bottom line is, people talk about Crocs," he said at a conference with analysts. "They either love them or hate them, but it's in the vernacular."

Forgotten Things

The MCR gets very cold during the night--I need to bring a jacket or something to keep me warm. I have to remember to return phone calls and comments on pages to all my friends because it is easy to fall off the face of the Earth when on a nightshift. I have to make some time to call my family between Meggie's birthday, Mike birthday and my mom birthday as well. i have to try and force myself to get some good sleep so that I don't drag all night long.

I have to remember to stay on my writing and my reading then I will be happy enough.

Little Billy Krammer

I am not sure what I am doing. I have spent the last few weeks with the boy, still in the midst of the sweet part, but finally getting to the place where it is starting to feel like a relationship and less of a idea of a relationship. We finally had our first fight--though it was more of a serious discussion with both of us teary than anything--which we got through with flying colors. It was awkward but not enough to give either of us pause and instead he spent the night cuddling instead of separate and seething.

But for some reason, I still find myself getting more and more difficult as of late. I'm not sure where it comes from; if it is from the diet and giving up sugar or if it is from being on the patch or if it is getting back to a work schedule or being super tired from just readjusting to life. I find myself being snappish without meaning to, feeling the harshness tone of my voice after it came out of my mouth and I know it shouldn't be happening. And it shouldn't be happening with Johnno and and I am not sure why it is.

All I know is I feel awful the moment afterwards and yet I don't know how to stop myself. And the problem is that I love Johnno to death, I have never had a moment of doubt about where we are with each other, and I have never felt so sure in such a small amount of time but I am somehow not able to not be difficult. This scares the hell out of me because I suddenly wondering if I am becoming the type of person I never wanted to be. If I was too single for too long and have become so jaded and standoffish that being with someone who treats me well is such a foreign idea that I am afraid to trust in it. It feels like I am somehow trying to test the relationship and gauge what Johnno feels by how fair he will let me go.

It's like I am little Billy Krammer with a spoon and a quart of ice cream, just daring Johnno to try and stop me.

Not A Diet

So Johnno and I have started on a new eating plan. It is basically like a no crab diet except it is really a no sugar meal plan for the first few weeks. It's been hard mostly because in the past when I've done it I have been able to eat certain things freely that I can't on this one. Johnno is really good at the food portion of the plan while I have really struggled--that said I am much better at the workout portion of things that he is.

That said, it's hard to be two gay boys in love when you can't do much. I also know that he is having a much quick bodt change than I am and it is kind of driving me crazy. It's not a competition but I would like to succeed.

But it is hard to avoid sugar and corn syrup and anything ending couse. (Spelling?) I like to be able to eat pretty quick with no prep but this plan has a lot of prep. But the bonus is I have learned how to make sugar free mayonaise as well as fake potatoes out of califlower. Both have turned out to be rather tasty if I say so myself.

Don't even get me started on fake sheppard's pie.

Sorry

I have been busy trying to adjust to a full work schedule. Between getting use to strum and drag of working full time with a revolving scheudle I have kind of let my blog--and writing in general--slack off.

It hasn't help things that I have started a new diet, returned back to a real gym schedule, going back on the patch, had Edie leave agin for a film, visits from both Naomi and Chloe as well as spending a ton of time with Johnno when my energy and mood allow.

Hopefully this week will allow me to get back into a proper schedule. I have a lot to say.

Quote of a Lifetime

“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” Michael Jackson

I just can't begin to handle this.

It's Not Me and Yet the Mirror Says It Is

I know this shouldn't bother me. I feel silly putting it to words but as I sit in my room late Sunday evening I can't help but feel a little bummed. With Johnno so close now, it is much easier and simple for us to spend the night away since it is so much easier to get together. But that said

Tonight is the first Sunday night we have spent sleeping in seperate beds since we began "dating". I didn't even think about that until I was out of his car and making my way into the apartment and it made me a bit sad. I feel foolish and silly for even having these thoughts and yet I wish he was here with me. Even though it doesn't make sense.

It's probably a combination of him heading off to Seattle for next weekend, my work schedule which will change our dynamics since we have almost always had time and I understand that in a very rationally way. But emotionally?

I kind of wish he was here with me.

Happiness

So the other day I realized that most of my posts have been negative. And when they are semi-bitchy, they're not really forthcoming in any major way. And then Lucy wrote this blog entry about being happy and how that makes it hard to write. It's true.

Somehow being happy means lack of conflict, the end of the struggle, the smooth sailing in whatever narrative you invested in--tv, novel, blog. But I also think that most people don't like to write about being content or hapy because it feels like bragging or showing off. That talking about happiness is akin to rubbing someone else's face in their own unhappiness, their own strife or lack of joy. Which is bullshit.

I'd like to believe that if I write about all the ways I am happy that the people who inest themselves in knowing me from here would be happy for me. That my truimphs and joys are about me being better for any other reason then that's my current reality. With that in mind, I decided to make a list of all the happy things of late.

1) Saturdays and Sundays. With my job at BB, I tend to fall of the face of the Earth. The show shoots 24/7 and part of my job is to be there and cover what happens from top to bottom. So for a few months I suddenly am AWOL socially and it is needed and a good thing--it also sucks. But this season I managed to secure the weekends as my two days off. This means I can go to the beach, the mall, to dinners and BBQ, to drinks with friends and spend nights with the boy. It's a good thing.

2) Naomi. My friend Naomi moved to Las Vegas a few years back and she was recently here for the better part of ten days. It was nice to be lunch with her, to see a good film (Away We Go), to catch up with someone who is so seperate from my real life that I have no choice but to spend my time listening and gushing.

3) Heath and Ruby. It's been forever since I was able to spend any serious about of time with one of my favorite couples; between the baby on the way and three very hectic schedules I have been barely able to see boo to either one of them. Though it is scary as all get out to see the baby belly, it was nice to see two people so happy and on the verge of so much.

4) Apartments. Johnno finally moved from Mar Vista to a nice apartment down the way from me in North Hollywood. While it has been hard work between the moving, the shopping and the settling in...it is such a relief to know that he is only 8 minutes away rather than 45. I like knowing he is close enough that we can spend more time together--it makes me sleep better at night.

5) Chloe. Chloe is coming down from San Fran this weekend and staying at the Dollhouse for a weekend of mischief and catching up. I'm excited to have her here for sleepovers and Starlight Room shenanigans. It's been forever since it has been just us--even though I really wish Lucy could have come down with her.

6) Edie. It's been weird to realize that Edie has been here so much in the past year--for so long she has been off and running around the world working on films that i forget how much I value her in my life. Between late night dance parties and runaway trips to Tiffany's or just laying by the pool in Palmdale and catching up--it's been so great and will be hard when she leaves for filming in Detriot.

7) The Dollhouse. Yes, my apartment makes me happy. Between redecorating the bedroom, the living room and simple streamlining, I have found myself more nested and zen then I have been in awhile. And now that we are on the first year--almost--of Lola joining the household, I can say that everything here feels balanced from decor to roommates. I just feel so happy that it seems to work so well even when it's not perfect.

That all being said, I hope that everyone else out there reading this has their own list to be happy about. It should be easier than it seems but takes more time then you think.

Sorry

I haven't bloggged the past few days. though I have been adding plenty of enteries--I'm in the process of taking my myspace blog and adding it into my centeral blog here. It's not because I have gone anti-myspace but rather I would like to have one focused and full blog for myself.

The truth is--I will probably dismantel my myspace page after I finish the blog move. While I'm not saying facebook is better I do tend to find it much more interactive than myspace which is something i enjoy. I never was a big commentor on other people's pages on myspace; I primarily used it for music, blogging and reading other people's blog because the noticafication made the process so simple. But now I think I'm ready to possibly let that page go.

We'll see. And I'll blog properly tomorrow about life. It's been good

Tomorrow is Back To School Day

So I go back to work tomorrow. It's been awhile since I could say that and while I know I need to do this for multiple reasons... I still don't want. It's not because unemployment has been a hot bed of excitement but because I just feel like I am settling.

And I hate that. I feel like I am doing this job because it is there, for no other reason than I have to. I know how spoiled that sounds, how flippant in this current environment but it is how I feel. I have been so blessed to be able to pick and choose my work situtations and to be excited, challenged and proud of what I am doing. But I don't feel this way about tomorrow.

I just have to repeat the same thing in my head again and again. A magical little number that will help me get through the next few months. I know it will be worth it in the end and yet the end is so far away.

I mean-technically I haven't even had the begining.

WTF?



I think the picture says it all.

(Brought to you by www.yourbabyisanasshole.com)

Unlikely Man Crush

Okay kids--I know any and all music fans will give me crap for this... But for some reason I have been listening to a lot of Jason Mraz this past week. I'm not sure why but I'm really feeling his cover of 'Rainbow Connection' and it makes me smile and giggle. Add to that his clever lyrics (some of the time) and his 'I don't give a fuck' attuide and it is just a current crush.







I mean--he is with a chicken! More than once! That shite cracks me up which is always a good segway to a snog.

Never A Fan of the Big Top But Always a Ringmaster

So I don't like humilation. I don't think this makes me clever or unique--millions of people feel the same way but normally I am quite adept at dodging it. But for full disclosure I have to revisist the BB promotion.

Long story short--I didn't get the higher position. I knew during my interview that the vibe was there was a journalist who was probably up for it and would knock me out of the running but still... It seemed that both the producers I met with really like me and we had a good talk so I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Add to that the hints at other jobs and I figured something else would pop up.

After a long 'it's not you, it's me' style rejection I had to suck up my pride and agree to my previous position. It wasn't my plan, and I should be grateful at how well I came out of the interview, but it took a few days to shake off the egg from my face. And I'm not really sure who knows what but I have a sense that everyone seems to know what was up so I will have to use my poise and humor to shoulder through.

But it feels embarrassing on some level and so I have to focus on all the good to come out of BB. The good pay, the free food, the cheap gym membership, the great relationships I have with the majority of my co-workers. That I can continue to be as good as I have always been then move on to something else for the future. Though it will be hard cause it felt like I fell off the trapeze in front of the whole circus.

I'll just have to be prepared to crack the whip at any naysayers.

Quote of the Day

Regarding fights at the Dollhouse and who would handle them

"The real question is who would hold the camera for that fight, post it on youtube, then post it on Tim Davis' wall every day for a year..."

Flaws of Consumption

I recently gave up caffeine--it wasn’t intentional at first. When at the ER a few weeks back, the doctor told me that I needed to cut caffeine out of my diet to help with my intestinal pains until they knew for certain what was going on. As I was recovering from being sick, Kirby told me that this eating plan—I refuse to call it a diet—that we were going to do necessitated us cutting out all forms of caffeine from soda to coffee.

Of course, this was not what I wanted to hear. Coffee and I are old friends; some of my favorite memories are of me clad in my white trench coat, scarf around my neck with my coffee and cigarette as I made my way through the Public Gardens in Boston. I use coffee as a reason to get up in the morning, the last push of energy before a big night on the town, the small treat I allow myself to go out and get when I am cranking away on my writing. It’s been as much a part of my life as anything else and something that I romanticize on a regular basis. Needless to say—it was going to be difficult.

After a painful few days, I found myself over the headaches and general crankiness that comes from the withdrawal. I was able to pull myself out of bed and into my morning routine a bit easier, I worked around the writing/coffee connection with mineral water and a champagne glass, I would take an extra long shower to re-energize before heading out into the social whirlwind. It was easy to work around the actual mechanics of my coffee addiction.

But what I realized was how much I used coffee to prop myself and ignore what my body needed. I found myself getting more and more tired in random ways; I could start to feel how hungry my body was getting when before I would use coffee to give a boost of energy and could actually feel that moment when I needed sleep as opposed to cover up the tired with a last minute jolt of java. Doing this led me to really sit down and consider how I am actually living in terms of my health; of how much I used caffeine as a way to ignore food and sleep and all the things that a human being actually needs to make one function.

It’s amazing all the little things we do to try and control what is so basic for existence. That I was constantly running on empty when it came to my stomach and on fumes when it came to sleep bank. It has forced me to be more careful about not only trying to eat right but eat when I need to—not waiting until the point that I am so hungry anything will do. That it makes my sleep better and deeper, that it teaches me not push my body so far out of the safety zone that I become a zombie and how much better it feels to know how my body wants and needs to work as opposed to just forcing it along.

But with all that said—I still miss that jolt. That rush of energy and focus that caffeine seems to bring on some level. Eventually I had to work back in decaf coffee just for my own sense memory, a way to trick myself into thinking I was giving in. I have found that Fresca goes well with vodka, that I can do Sprite in restaurants and that I can usually find a decaf version of almost anything drink I like. The pull of the caffeine still lingers but can be tricked.

But I have to admit when Kirby told me that the eating plan—not diet—allowed for caffeine to be reworked into the meal schedule—I have to admit my heart did a little leap. We’ll see if I can handle the temptation—even though I know the flaws of consumption.

Have and Want

“Try to put your happiness before anyone else's, because you may never have done so in your entire life, if you really think about it, if you are really honest with yourself.”Margaret Cho

I have been thinking a lot about this quote as of late. Recently the boy and I had to split up our weekend plans; he had a birthday party for a West Hollywood friend of his and Dominic was having one of his film nights for gang in the Valley. One of the hardest parts of any relationship is trying to figure out how to balance your life, your plans, your schedule and your friendships with whomever you’re dating—but this was the first time I really felt that Johnno and I had faced this issue.

And I did feel really guilty in the week or so leading up to the parties—on one hand, Johnno has been to so many events with my friends where as I have only had a handful with his, but then Dominic really tried to move the film night around to accommodate a slew of us and I was one of the people he took into consideration. But as I thought about the weekend and all its plans, I found myself saying that “I have to go” in regards to the film night.

It wasn’t until one of my nocturnal coffee walks that I realized that I really ‘”wanted” to go to Dominic’s for the film festival. That I shouldn’t feel bad about making that choice, that it didn’t make Johnno’s party any less important or make my relationship with him any more or less one-sided. That if I really sat down and thought about my life, I spend too much time thinking that I “have” to do things instead of “wanting” to do things.

The truth is, if I am honest with myself, the only things I have to do in life is eat, sleep, paying my bills and that’s it. I don’t “have” to hang out with people, or call my family, or work more at a job or diet and workout. I do those things because I want to. There is no shame in saying that—it doesn’t make me a bad person for realizing that the choices I make in life can come from being about myself more than being about expectation.

So often we put ourselves into situations where we feel forced to do things rather than choose them. We do things out of imagined obligation, out of self imposed guilt or expectations that we some created in our own head. At the end of our lives, those moments where we feel forced, put up or choice less are not the moment we’ll wish we had. And there is something freeing about owning our actions out of desire than internal pressure—it makes the choices more pleasurable, more rewarding and more important.

I work out because I want to look good, I put extra time into my job because I want to succeed for myself, I write my blog because it clears my head, I talk to the boy every night because I want to hear his voice. My relationships exist and grow from my own words and deeds; I am the best friend for those I choose to be, I am the son I am because I work to be that person, I am the words I give myself out of my own determination.

And by allowing this, I take so much pressure off of myself. Are there times where I will be torn? Be disappointed in myself or other? Wonder if I could be more and done more? Of course. But at the end of the day, I sleep better because I know I choose to make my own happiness and my existence on my own terms and for my own purposes.

How can I not be happy about that?

Cusp

I have been of a wreck this weekend—anxious and tender, prone to over indulgence or underestimating what I need, on pins and needles or running on adrenaline. There’s been a whole lot of all or nothing type behavior which can be great at times but draining at others.

See, the truth is I am on the cusp of getting everything I want. It sounds vainglorious, trite, and egocentric but it is where I stand at this moment. But conversely I am always at the end of being uncertain about everything; subjected to the whims of others, the winds of fate, the universe at large.

This past week I finally got the phone I had been waiting for—the producers at my summer job, ‘BB’, called me in to talk about my future with the show and particularly about promotions. This sent me into a bit of a tizzy because I have wanted so long for this moment to happen but I have always been scared of when and what would happen next.

And so on Friday I went to have my meeting with the higher ups; one of whom I have been friendly with since my first season on the show and the other who I know mostly by sight and an exchange here and there. I could barely figure out how to get dressed, how to string two sentences together, how to keep myself from looking how I felt. It didn’t help matters that the meeting didn’t start till about 20 minutes after it should have and I found myself trying not pace but pacing all the same.

I think I managed to make a good impression during the meeting; there was a lot of talk about my resume, my life goals, about various opportunities for me with the show if I want them. And even feeling that strong and happy coming out of the office, I still felt like I had somehow managed to not be 100 %. I have always subscribed to the idea of not splitting your options and spent most of the meeting fixated on one aspect of the show but didn’t take advantage of the ideas that were being floated my way.

It wasn’t until later with the boy that I realized how much my single-mindedness felt like a bad decision in retrospect. I was at a loss at what to do to try and recoup whatever ground I gained and it wasn’t until the boy and I talked things out that I decided to send my thank you email with an explanation of sorts about where I was coming from. Thankfully one of the producers replied quickly and explained that he understood exactly what I was talking about and not to worry.

Added to my weekend was the fact that Johnno is looking to make a move over to the Valley side and away from Mar Vista. If you know Los Angeles, you know that having someone live that far away when dating can be a bit hard—add to the fact that I don’t drive and it becomes a bit of a handicap at points. So we spent the remainder of Friday looking at various apartments that we found on-line and stumbled across one that could be perfect.

It is right in the middle of everything between being walking distance from my house, easy access for him to get to work and near a bunch of the group. The neighborhood was one that Kelly and Lizzie had lived in back in the day, looked cute and did just barely fit into the price range. We called to try and set up a look see for this weekend but the manager/owner never called us back and so we’re waiting to hear if it is even still available.

But the best part of the apartment is the way it will free up our relationship. So much of our time together is very much in synch but there are time when we want to see each other more, other times when we need to be apart to do separate things but it’s hard to look at one another and say ‘okay—go away for a bit and come back around later’. This apartment would free us from that feeling and would be a huge boon. I think we’re both very aware of this and on the edge of our seats to see what comes out of this.

And so I feel like I am on the cusp of having everything all at once—the perfect job, the perfect relationship set-up, the perfect living situation, the perfect life for now. And yet I feel nervous because so much of this feels like it could not happen, that it could go awry. I don’t deal well with ‘wait and see’ and so I feel like I am crawling out of my skin at points.

It’s like hanging on the edge by fingers and toes.

Manifesto Or No More Ego

(Taken from Tomato Nation)

The Vine: January 15, 2005The Vine: January 18, 2005 »25 And Over
If you have reached the age of 25, I have a bit of bad news for you, to wit: it is time, if you have not already done so, for you to emerge from your cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorption and join the rest of us in the world. Past the quarter-century mark, you see, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your continued survival. Continuing to insist past that point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating.

Grow up.

And when I instruct you to grow up, I do not mean that you must read up on mortgage rates, put aside candy necklaces, or desist from substituting the word "poo" for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tardiness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you have turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for exclusion from social occasions.

And now, for those of you who might have misplaced them, marching orders for everyone born before 1980.

1. Remember to write thank-you notes. If you do not know when a thank-you note is appropriate, consult an etiquette book — the older and more hidebound the book, the better. When in doubt, write one anyway; better to err on the side of formality. An email is not sufficient thanks for a physical gift. Purchase stationery and stamps, set aside five minutes, and express your gratitude in writing. Failure to do so implies that you don't care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.

2. Do not invite yourself to stay with friends when you travel anymore. Presumably you have a job, and the means to procure yourself a hotel. If so, do so. If not, stay home. Mentioning that you plan a visit to another city may lead to an invitation to stay with a friend or family member, which you may of course accept; assuming that "it's cool if you crash" is not. Wait for the invitation; if it is not forthcoming, this is what we call "a hint," and you should take it and make other arrangements.

3. Do not expect friends to help you move anymore. You may ask for help; you may not expect it, particularly if your move date is on a weekday. Your friends have jobs to go to, and you have accumulated a lot of heavy books by this point in your life. Hire a mover. If you cannot afford a mover, sell your books or put them in storage — or don't move, but one way or another, you will have to cope.

4. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings. As children, we live in our own heads, bonking into things, gnawing on twigs, emitting random squawks because we don't know how to talk yet. Then, we enter nursery school. You, having graduated college or reached a similar age to that of the college graduate, need to learn to sense others and get out of their way. Walk single file. Don't blather loudly in public spaces. Give up your seat to those with disabilities or who are struggling with small children. Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby. Do not walk along and then stop suddenly. It is not just you on the street; account for that fact.

5. Be on time. The occasional public-transit snafu is forgivable, but consistent lateness is rude, annoying, and self-centered. If we didn't care when you showed up, we'd have said "any old time"; if we said seven, get there at seven or within fifteen minutes. Do not ditz that you "lost track of time" as though time somehow slipped its leash and ran into traffic. It shows a basic lack of respect for others; flakiness is not cute anymore, primarily because it never was. Buy a watch, wind it up, and wear it everywhere you go.

6. Have enough money. I do not mean "give up your scholarly dreams and join the world of corporate finance in order to keep up with the Joneses." I mean that you should not become that girl or boy who is always a few dollars short, can only cover exactly his or her meal but no tip, or "forgot" to go to the ATM. Go to the ATM first, don't order things you can't afford, and…

7. Know how to calculate the tip. Ten percent of the total; double it; done. You did not have to major in math to know how this works. You are not dumb, but your Barbie-math-is-hard flailing is agonizing and has outstayed its welcome. Ten percent times two. Learn it.

8. Do not share the crazy dream you had last night with anyone but your mental wellness professional. Nobody cares. People who starred in the dream may care, but confine your synopsis to ten words or fewer.

9. Learn to walk in heels. Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle — you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that's better suited to your style of walking. It isn't a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.

10. Have at least one good dress-up outfit. A dress code, or suggested attire on an invitation, is not an instrument of The Man. Own one nice dress, or one reasonable suit, or one sharp pair of pants and chic sweater — something you can clean up nice in for a wedding or a semi-formal dinner. You don't have to like it, but if the invitation requests it, put it on. Every night can't be poker night. Which reminds me…

11. Do as invitations ask you. Don't bring a guest when no such courtesy is extended. Don't blow off an RSVP; it means "please respond," and you should. "Regrets only" means you only answer if you can't come. If the party starts at eight, show up at eight — not at seven-thirty so you can go a "better" party later, not at eleven when dinner is cold. Eight. Cocktail parties allow for leeway, of course, but pay attention and read instructions; your host furnished the details for a reason.

12. Know how. Know how to drive. Know how to read a map. Know how to get around. Know how to change a tire, or whom to call if you can't manage it, or how to get to a phone if you don't have a cell phone. We will happily bail you out, until it becomes apparent that it's what you always need. The possibility of a fingernail breaking or a hairstyle becoming compromised is not grounds for purposeful helplessness.

13. Don't use your friends. It's soulless. It's also obvious. If the only reason you continue to associate with a person is to borrow his or her car, might I remind you that you have now turned 25 and may rent your own.

14. Have something to talk about besides college or your job. College is over. The war stories have their amusements, but not over and over and not at every gathering. Get a library card, go to the movies, participate in the world. Working is not living. Be interested so that you can be interesting.

15. Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree "owes you." It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.

16. Drinking until you throw up is no longer properly a point of pride. It happens to the best of us, but be properly ashamed the next day; work on your tolerance, or eat something first, but amateur hour ended several years hence.

17. Have a real trash receptacle, real Kleenex, and, if you smoke, a real ashtray. No loose bags on the floor; no using a roll of toilet paper; no plates or empty soda cans. You are not a fierce warrior nomad of the Fratty Bubelatty tribe. Buy a wastebasket and grown-up paper products.

18. Universal quiet hours do in fact apply to you. They are, generally, as follows — midnight to six AM on weekdays, 2 AM to 8 AM on weekends. Mine is a fairly generous interpretation, by the by, so bass practice should conclude, not start, at ten PM. Understand also that just because nobody has complained directly to you does not mean that a complaint is not justified, or pending. Further, get your speakers off the floor. Yes, "now." Yes, a rug is still "the floor."

19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don't enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that's too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy's shift is over.

20. Rudeness is not a signifier of your importance. Rudeness is a signifier of itself, nothing more. We all have bad days; yours is not weightier than anyone else's, comparatively, and does not excuse displays of poor breeding. Be civil or be elsewhere.

Things On My Wall

So I haven't been too deep as of late and decided that i would try and use random objects to give insight to who I am. i tend to find what people choose to surround themselves with is really an unspoken insight into how they are...



This is on the wall of my closet... It is also probably the picture that really shows the most in what I like about color, texture and art. Anyone who knows me well, and has seen my room, has certainly noticed my fondness for the color orange. I'm not sure if it is the Leo in me or the dramatist in me but this color in this shade just seems to inspire me.

On top of that, the use of the blue and grean peacock feathers as a juxposition to the orange just stirs up that sense of clashing but stirring visual interest that I like. Add to that how the peacock is one of my favorite animals as well as the details on the lavish dress' feathers and it just seems to be everything I like in a picture. Color, texture, as well as the simplicity of it just being an ad that turned into something more for me. I like the everyday as inspiration and that is what this former ad gives to me.



Obviously this is the light switch on my wall. It's funcation, well designed and pretty to look at. That's all well and good but not why I chose it for this blog. Because this thing took forever to find--it's a testament to my attention to details. Someone may only notice once or twice but it reminds me of how important evry little part of the whole is. It's something that i try to carry in my work, my relations and my world view. That we are the sum of all the things we put out into the world. Even the smallest detail.



This my good luck bamboo. It might appear strange that I have such a thing; that I seem flip and very nonspiritual but at the end of the day I take comfort in the ideas of luck, fate, hope and chance. Each piece is meant to represent a bedroom in the apartment and hopefully to watch over each of us as we live our day to day existence. It must work pretty well--I have had the same three stalks since the third year of this apartment and it's been about 7 years since. Here's hoping.



Now this might seem like a similar idea to the first picture--a classic piece of art, a protrait of repose and quiet but that's not why I hung this. It's the front of a card from my friend Lucy; she had mailed it to me years ago as a way to just say hello. The card was about missing each other and thinking of each other but now it hangs in my bathroom. I use it to remind me that even though a person might be far away or gone it doesn't mean they have to far or gone from my thoughts. That relationships are not just about the ones current in my life but about all the people that I have known. That I should remember to call or write or just think about the people who matter to me and remember to show they that I care.



Now this is a gift from Edie--it's a calender of 'Hot Priests of the Vatican City'. She found this present when working on the Bond movie in Italy and was quick to snap one up for my Christmas gift. It reminds me that for all of my illusions and pretensions that I have a fun side, a tacky side, a goofy side. That as much as I ove art and books, cocktails and clothes, witty and double meanings I am also someone who can be relaxed and playful, in jeans and with beer, read Cosmo and watch CW as much as anything else in my life. It also reminds me that my relationships are just as much about the unexpected fun (Because who expects a hot priest calander?) as much as the hard times and the complicated times.

And each of the things reminds me that I am more than just one thing at any time. And that my life is about more than just the moment and what is touchable in the second. It helps to know that and to be reminded when all else is in doubt.

Quote of the Day

Talk about revenge

"I am going to be in the room when you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you..."
I don't know why but it makes me laugh....

Who Needs a Doctor?

So I spent sometime in the ER this week. Long story short--I had a bit of a tickle in my throat for the ost part of last weekend but by Friday had ended up in the grip of full blow illness. I was feverish, crabby and at times cranky as I spent most of the day bedbound. Normally I would have told the boyfriend to stay away but he and I had plans with his friends--a rarity--so I felt guilty about having to pass. So i told him to come over post dinner so he could see for himself how sick I was. And that I could make him bring soup.

See, i have this thing about being independent which roughly translates to 'I don't need you'. I'm not sure if I gained this trait from my childhood, from my parents or various events that have happened in Los Angeles but whenever I feel weak and out of it I prefer to go it alone. But I let my guilt about having to cancel my plans trump my need to be alone. And so Johnno came over.

Which ended up being a great decision. Bceause as the weekend continued I felt still worse and worse and the boy had to put up with cranky, messy, achy Rory and managed to handle it without leaving or killing me. (which amount to really the same thing at this point.) He was good at giving me space if I needed it, trying to come up with new ways to help me and was the one who finally convinced me that I needed to head off to the ER Monday morning.

And that is where he was a really champ. Whenever I get to that point I tend to become a bit unglued between my fears and my crankiness and my worries about how bad things could get. I become my least flattering verison of myself and someone that I wouldn't spend time with--if I had a choice.

And the boy handled it beautiful. He let me be panicked within reason, he made smart choices when I felt I couldn't but most of all he didn't take it personal that I might have felt the need to send him away. He was supportive of not only me but my need to be independent if I needed it. Johnno was the perfect mix of there and gone--hands off but only far enough away to catch me if needed.

It made the whole weekend worth it.

Don't Fight the Awesome

I think this should happen every ten years in my life. That this act just appears somewhere random to please me.



Seriously. How. Awesome. Is. That?

Happiness

I know I owe a more substantial blog--I should be talking about ER visits or the boy or how I redid the living room because I was bored or how I am 98 percent sure of where I will be this summer. I could talk about giving up caffiene or eating crap all week, about the lives of the Dollhouse or how much time I have spent watching 'The Game' on BET.

Instead I spent my night standing on my little porch, with a glass of white wine in one hand and a smoke in the other, and just let the Santa Ana winds blow over me as I stared up into a clear sky and followed the moon. About how I let a feeling of contentment wash over me as I felt the cool breezes ruffle my hair and drit smoke out past my line of vision. How happy I felt with my lot in life; with the friends I am blessed to have, the boyfriend who has become my most favorite person I know, to have a career that I love and a life I live on my own terms. That I am so fortunate to be able to lead a life of such simple pleasures and one of my own choosing.

That I could say that I was 100 percent happy. No questions or qualms, no self doubt or lingering questions. That if I had die in that one instant I could say I had it amazing.

I could say I was able to hold happiness in my heart.