Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Genes and Jeans

I don’t know how I inherited the self destructive gene. I mean-we all second guess ourselves and make dubious choices for a million reasons—maybe we were drinking, refusing to let go of the past or forgetting to learn from our present. You get to point though when you start growing beyond those moments and find new and better ways to cope

That’s the game plan.

I just wish it was that simple. See, this past weekend Kelly and Valeska threw their 2nd annual Jimmy Buffet themed parking lot party. Last year was a lot of fun between hurricanes, 50 pounds of sand, flambongos and a post party huddle with the friends and the new-ish boyfriend. I was excited to seee what would happen this year.

And for the most part the party was great—I missed Johnno not being there but everyone had fun, lots of booze drank and lots of people left happy. But the one thing that stuck out is that suddenly everyone seemed to notice the weight loss and was constantly complimenting me.

Not going to lie-it was awesome.

The funny thing is the person who seemed to best understand how weird the sudden attention was was Sophie from ‘Big Brother’. She pointed out that sometimes you have that window of 5 or 6 pounds and suddenly everything is different. Which makes sense and when you add new clothes and a bit of time between seeing some people and I just felt hot.

But it doesn’t explain how I spent the next day shoveling carbs and sugar into my mouth. Now I know that Edie and I talked about how Easter is a holiday and that you have to allow yourself a treat now and then but I was ridiculous. I had food I have touched in almost 10 months like crackers and stuffing and potatoes and mudslides and just everything but the kitchen sink.

And that was because the kitchen sink was not made of sugar.

It was just so weird because I was aware as I was doing all of this that I would lose any serious momentum gained in the last month or two. But I was suddenly just obsessed with the idea of letting go and giving in. For no real reason.

The only good thing to come out of this was how I work up at 3 in the morning with such a sugar hangover that I was almost sick. It felt so disgusting and uncomfortable and was payment for not keeping on track.

So I did learn something

I just wish that I could figure out why I make these choices. I was upset ir depressed or intoxicated or anything of the sort. Just ended up in some bad idea jeans.

I have to be better.

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