Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Edge is Of Course Jagged

So I spent the beginning of today being an ass. I was in a bad mood for some reason-tired and busy and cranky--and this lead to me being snappish. Seriously snappish with the boy.

I have been a constant struggle as of the last year or so with my frustration and my anger. i don't know where it has come from but i seem unable at points to control myself from yelling or slamming things around when things aren't going my way. i hate it and i try to control it but this has become more and more of a common event. And i can't figure out why.

I am in love with an amazing guy, I am working on a show that I truly enjoy being a part of, the money situation is under control and even the few kinks in my social life have been worked out. It's a pretty close to blessed life and yet i find myself pushing at it's edges by getting worked up over the smallest details.

Why do I crave perfection?

I danced so close to the line that I actually thought I might have pushed too far and too hard. I crossed some point with my anger and frustration and I turned it out why too far and came so close to breaking my on heart. I made the boy cry even if it was about other things and it was the closest I have ever been to ripping my own heart out.

But we're fine now

Even so, I can't help but be terrified of how far I took things. It is not right or okay and I need to figure out how to not be that person again. i have seen the edge

I have no interest on what is on the other side.

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