Life is Not a Brittney Song
It's been three months since I have had a cigarette--which is impressive on its own--but I have also not even thought once about smoking at all even when I have been around persons or places where smoking is acceptable... On one hand this is great and a huge step forward but on the other hand it is so weird because when I think about how much I am not thinking about it I get freaked out about thinking about.
It's a vicious circle
Such a pretty witty circle
That's not to say that there hasn't been a hard part in all of this--by breaking this bad habit I left myself without an outlet for stress which led me to eating everything not nailed down. And I was too tired to work out for a bit so that didnt help matters--both of which were side effects of the drugs I used to quit. But this also meant I had to look more at my own behavior, what to do about it, how to change it or cut it out.
I realized I wanted to detox more than just my body.
But not this kind of detox
So I have been looking at everything in my life--the job, the apartment, the relationships I have--looking at which ones make me happy, feel supported and want to do good things going forward. I'm trying to learn how to cut the other stuff out, separating what has real value and meaning versus what are the people and things dragging me down.
This is a more fun type of cleaning
It's a hard thing to do because so much of my life is intertwined--friends are people i work with, some friends aren't very good for me but are friends with people who are, how to make myself happy without being toxic to other people. Once I took away my social crutch--my flee and panic technique--I have started forcing myself to confront more than deflect.
And Just Like Alba--I Hope People Forget This Deflective Behavior
I'm starting to learn that I don't have to take certain behaviors aimed in my direction. That I am not responsible for other people's drama and damage--that I need to call people out when they hurt me and give them notice on how I want to be treated.
Or it's just time to walk--not away but to the other people in my life who want to treat me better