Thursday, September 25, 2014

Thursday Truths

Smoke Gets Out of Your Eyes

As of today it has been two weeks since I started the long process of quitting smoking--I know I have tried this before but this time I decided that I needed more help than a patch and half-assed motivation. Since I finally had health insurance, I decided to go the prescription route which scared me at first because of all the possible side effects--and I'm not going to say it has been easy.

It Was This Or Committing Murder At My Office

When they tell you a drug can mess with your emotions-make you more aggressive, sad, or just plain off--they are not screwing around. I spent the first few days on my medication feeling crazy, but still knowing I wasn't crazy, which is the only thing that kept me from going crazy. I guessed that as long as I knew it was the drugs then the over-the-top, melodramatic emotions, and overly pronounced sighs were fine. And for the most part people couldn't even tell the difference even as I kept reminding myself that this wasn't really me but the drugs talking inside of my brain.

It's All An Illusion--So I Got This

Once I got my mood swings in check--seriously is this what PMS is like?--I started to spend a portion of my time meditating and repeating my mantra of "I am a non-smoker, I am a non-smoker". I'm not sure if it is working though I have kind of forgotten about cigarettes which is a good thing because that has always been the hardest thing. But I'm not going to say it has been easy, part of this all revolves around self examination--which I have never really struggled with--but also with self esteem and self worth which are really my worst problem areas but I seem to be doing well--so far.

And I have--because I am sadistic--been spending time exposing myself to my social and emotion triggers when it comes to smoking. I still talk with my co-workers Kenny and Jenna if they are outside smoking post coffee, I have been watching early seasons of "Sex And The City" with all the "Carrie smokes" as well as heading to places where I always smoked like bar patios and parking lots. I hoping that by doing all of this I can train myself to associate these people, places and things with other ideas and thoughts other than cigarettes. It seems the key with successful  quitting is rebranding yourself, reshuffling your brain and reorganizing your actions--all things I feel like I can do with time and a full court press,

I mean if Carrie Bradshaw can quit then so can I--cause that bitch was crazy 

I think--besides you know, quitting--the best thing I can do in this situation is to try and learn some patience, work on how I handle stress and social anxiety, and perhaps put away my need for an escape crutch. I also have to learn to say I'm sorry to the people who are being effected by this change--my moods are sharper and sometimes more cutting which I am not proud of. But if I can do this then it will be something to be truly proud of--a commitment to not only my self but all of those who love me and want to keep me around. I have to realize that is more important than anything else--which is the hardest lesson of all.

1 comment:

Lucky said...

You can do it! It's a step by step, day by day thing. There will be pitfalls and tense moments, but they pass. And yes, this is what PMS is like, lol. I'm on crazy pillz too.