You Know Who You Are…

It’s weird. I have a strange sense of a foreboding. Not like something bad particular is going to happen to me. It’s slightly untouchable, unknown and yet I feel it coming. Maybe it’s working the nightshift or the wine—something just seems to be creeping around in my head.

I wish I could say it was just me. Then I could get over it—I accept that sometimes I’m crazy, that I’m too hard on myself and then one day I wake up and I’m fine again. But it’s not just me; it feels like it’s all of us.

I once asked my mother about the divorce, when she knew it was time. It was when the fighting stopped, the passion to want my father’s attention was replaced by indifference. And I feel like that is what is starting with my friends as of late.

The unspoken tension, the unwillingness to try and fix things, the lack of acknowledgement for our problems. And no one wants to fix them. We stopped caring about each other, we don’t care and some of us are just leaving the party. And it makes me sad.

It makes me sad that people are going instead of wanting to fix things, that they have stopped caring about each other and it makes me wonder if we ever did really care. It reminds me of when Ty and Kelly broke up and Rosanna told me that the four of us were never really friends at all—just friendly.

And part of me needs to believe that the ones who have left are happy. That people aren’t pulling all but going towards something better. That maybe we are just finding something better for ourselves. But I can’t help wondering how real those friendships were if they are so disposable. And I miss them.