The End of Things?
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do.
And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them.
So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing.
The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything.
This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about.
I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool.
So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time.
And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all.
I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.
6 comments:
People are afraid of the truth. By writing your real feelings Rory, you have done nothing wrong. People don't want to see their own flaws, but we all have them. So when you force people to see those flaws, they lash out at you, but it's not your fault. They realize the truth, but are afraid to admit it. No one wants to accept what's bad about themselves, but there comes a point where it's time to grow up, face your flaws, and either accept them as they are or change them. But blaming you for writing things "out loud" is just a cowards way.
Keep writing, and if people have a problem with that, then they don't have to read your journal. Perhaps someday we will all grow up, and accept ourselves as the young adults that we are, and finally take responsibility for our actions, instead of trying to blame others for everything. Everyone is responsible for themselves. It's time to stop blaming other people.
It's a catch-22-type situation, really. I think the unwritten law is: "If it's on the internet, it's fair game." But I think, among friends, that it would only go so far as in reading it and maybe having an opinion and maybe bringing it up one on one. In terms of passing it around to show people who might otherwise be completely unaware of it - well, I think that says something about that person's character, but I can't say I'm surprised someone might do that. People always need to find something to talk about, esp. in a group with cabin fever in perpetuity.
Is there a feature on this thing that allows you to post to a "friends only" type of list? Or "private"? Other blog sites have those settings. If you feel you have to write something down to work it out, but you know someone might take issue with some of the information you disclose, you might want to do it in a private entry if possible. That's not exactly censoring yourself, but it's using discretion.
I hope you're happy with whatever you decide to do.
Missy
I can write you a novel on how many people I've hurt and pissed off with my blog.
I even sorta lost one of my best friends over (sma, the original sma)a post I wrote.
I keep going though because it is what it is and people should read, take it with a grain of salt and if it bothers them and you're important to them, THEY SHOULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE THEY JUDGE.
Words are such a one sided thing. I'm the first to admit that words are extremely manipulative. Sometimes we know this when we write. Most of the times, we're writing what we feel and no one can tell you that what you feel is wrong (unless it involves murder or child pornography).
I say fuck it all and keep writing. I can say this because I don't think I've read one bad thing about me in this blog. But if you did, I'd still read it, I'd still love you and I'd wish you to continue ruining my internet chi.
Because I can't tell you how to feel.
You should know that you are good at what you do. And you should keep sharing because it's something you need to work on.
And you know what you should also do? While I'm on this fuck them all rampage? You should come to fucking San Francisco for a visit already.
And no,I will not let up on this.
oh. just a reminded.
http://smababy.blogspot.com/2004/12/artful-loss-through-googling-in-which.html
keep going baby. screw it. if theres one thing i know about you, you never ever let censorship get in the way.
Those who get hurt, are those who jump too quickly to conclusions or judgements or are just too insecure to broach the topic as adults, in person. Those with something to hide, DO hide. Sometimes when they're right in front of you...you know the type.
I don't know what happened, but this is YOUR space. YOUR thoughts, YOUR time to crawl into a cyberspace all your own to wish, dream, vent and think. Don't let anyone or anything take that away from you.
What to do? It seems to me, Rory, that you're doing it.
It's truly unfortunate that those in your life would be willing to comb through your previous entries for ammunition against you. But no matter how many title changes it's gone through, the line that you should be remembering is the descriptive subtitle: "The unabridged true version of my life... raw, dirty, messy, hopefully kind and always just my view of things. No apologies." With that, you gave every reader fair warning. If they wish to read through and take offense, well, that would be their business. You should stick to your guns - and the blog's original premise - and keep it messy, unabridged and offer no apologies for it.
That being said, I can also appreciate the practial advice others are offering you. Let me simply say that I for one have learned more about you reading these entries than I did for the half-year I knew you in person - and I for one am glad of it. And I hope you continue to post here, and if and when the hurtful people bring up entries to stir up emotions within you, continue to examine them using this tool you've set up for self-examination. While I don't know if you could call it taking the high road, it's certainly the more courageous thing to do. And should those people continue to turn that material around on you in a twisted, self-reflexive kind of thing to do you emotional harm, well, that will tell you something about the kind of people they truly are, won't it? And then you can take steps to address that.
Yeah, the coming time might be a little rough. But take Courage. And make no apologies.
Post a Comment